He's sleeping on the couch tonight....

[reservoirdog1]

You know, I think of the older generations and I know that my father, uncles, grandfathers, etc, sure as hell did not have women as "friends". They had a wife for that. They talked to their her about things that were bothering them, they shared things about their day with her, they told her funny stories....NOT some random f**ucking halfwit.

 

Big deal! That was then, this is now. That long ago, discrimination against homosexuals was still acceptable. Racism was more endemic and condoned than it was now. Social mores change as societies evolve.

 

Men and women in committed relationships should not have friends of the opposite sex and I don't care what you say about it.

 

Well, that's the nub of the matter, isn't it? He evidently has a different opinion, which is just as valid as yours is. I happen to agree with his view on it. But if yours is important to you, then by all means hold onto it. But don't expect him to change his either. If you can't find some middle ground, your relationship will either die, or it'll be long and miserable. For one of you, at least.

[carhill]

He was previously married and 7 months before his marriage fell apart and his wife kicked him out, he began "chatting" with a women from work.

 

He told you this story? When?

 

Also, how does he treat *your* female friends? How does he interact with women when he's out with you? All pertinent indicators of personality.

 

Have you asked him straight out if he feels comfortable being open and vulnerable with you, and why? If so, what conversation resulted from that question?

 

The last question is one we worked on in MC, which I would heartily suggest if you have even a miniscule interest in marrying this guy.

[Kaii]

Yes, he told me bits and pieces of this story during the course of dating. I didn't get the full version of it until 3 months ago when I discovered he had still been chatting with this woman online.

 

It seems that my views are very unpopular here regarding men and women being friends with the opposite sex when in a committed relationship. I wonder if that is because most of the respondents are male?

 

I know how emotional affairs start. Call me been there, done that. It is all very innocent at first. It always is.

 

I am trying to nip this in the bud. I have been married and divorced before, as has he. I don't want to end up that way again.

 

I don't chat with other men online, so why should he chat with other women? when we got together, I erased all my msn contacts that were male, and I assumed he did the same becuase we were in a committed relationship. We are getting married and trying to have a baby. We're not 2 teenagers who are dating.

 

I see this type of behaviour as disrespecting your partner and devaluing your relationship. Of course, seeing someone on the street or at a party and talking to them is different...but to repeatedly and specifically seek someone out online or by text is a completely different matter in my eyes.

[carhill]

I'm still interested in how he interacts with women offline and in front of you and comparing that with how you feel about his interactions with women in general. There is a psychology to this and IMO it's important that you understand this psychology because the dynamic is apparently becoming a deal-breaker for you. IMO, you're never going to change his intrinsic personality and that's what I'm trying to define. He can alter behaviors if he has sufficient motivation.

 

Tell me, did you interact with him online prior to dating in the real world? If yes, how does his conduct of late compare with your discourse with him during that time in your relationship/dating?

 

Lastly, your feelings and concerns are valid. Do you want pure support and validation or do you seek a method of reconciling this issue? I'm unclear.

[Kaii]

I'm still interested in how he interacts with women offline and in front of you and comparing that with how you feel about his interactions with women in general. There is a psychology to this and IMO it's important that you understand this psychology because the dynamic is apparently becoming a deal-breaker for you. IMO, you're never going to change his intrinsic personality and that's what I'm trying to define. He can alter behaviors if he has sufficient motivation.

 

Tell me, did you interact with him online prior to dating in the real world? If yes, how does his conduct of late compare with your discourse with him during that time in your relationship/dating?

 

Lastly, your feelings and concerns are valid. Do you want pure support and validation or do you seek a method of reconciling this issue? I'm unclear.

 

 

Our relationship is non traditional in a lot of aspects and I am just not sure about any of it anymore.

 

He is primarily "the boss". We have a D/s type relationship and I feel that I give him everything he wants, sexually and otherwise, because he is the boss. I feel degraded and used when he chats online and texts other women, because here I am giving him every little thing that he says he wants. So, what does he need these interactions for???

 

How does he act with women online as compared to in person with me there? Well, online he is more flirty and teasing then in person. In person he is very quiet and doesn't talk a lot.

 

Yes, we did chat online before we started seeing one another. That is how we met...online...so I guess in the back of my head I keep thinking "that's how you two met, so you know he is capable of going from chatting to meeting". He also used to chat with that woman from work when he was previously married..and look what happened with that. That was innocent at first too.

[carhill]

Hey, I have to head out but just wanted to say this last post is really good information. I hope you get some good feedback. I'll check in later, if the tractor doesn't eat me

[Bejita463]

It seems that my views are very unpopular here regarding men and women being friends with the opposite sex when in a committed relationship. I wonder if that is because most of the respondents are male?

 

That is a very real possibility. Now for the fun question. What gender is your SO? Maybe the problem isn't him.

[Untouchable_Fire]

Yes, he told me bits and pieces of this story during the course of dating. I didn't get the full version of it until 3 months ago when I discovered he had still been chatting with this woman online.

 

He needs to ditch this lady. Because they have a past... they can't be friends like that.

 

It seems that my views are very unpopular here regarding men and women being friends with the opposite sex when in a committed relationship. I wonder if that is because most of the respondents are male?

 

Your view isn't unpopular. In fact I agree with your view. It's your attitude that is pushing most posters in the other direction.

 

I know how emotional affairs start. Call me been there, done that. It is all very innocent at first. It always is.

 

What has been your experience in this?

 

I am trying to nip this in the bud. I have been married and divorced before, as has he. I don't want to end up that way again.

 

Why did you get divorced?

Why did he get divorced?

 

I don't chat with other men online, so why should he chat with other women? when we got together, I erased all my msn contacts that were male, and I assumed he did the same becuase we were in a committed relationship. We are getting married and trying to have a baby. We're not 2 teenagers who are dating.

 

He had these friends before you two met right? Would it be better if he just talked to them on the phone?

 

Also, the volume of communication is VERY important. Catching up once every couple of months is Ok. Chatting every day is not Ok at all.

 

I see this type of behaviour as disrespecting your partner and devaluing your relationship. Of course, seeing someone on the street or at a party and talking to them is different...but to repeatedly and specifically seek someone out online or by text is a completely different matter in my eyes.

 

I agree for the most part. I do believe that the volume is very important.

[Lizzie60]

I agree.. it's a lack of respect for you...

First, he hid this from you... then he lied about it.. then he keeps doing it.. when he knows it bothers you.

Bottom line.. he doesn't give a 'hoot' about you.. dump him...

It will only get worst... and you're not even married yet.. trust me.

DON'T get pregnant.

 

He will only drive you crazy with jealousy..

[curiousnycgirl]

Our relationship is non traditional in a lot of aspects and I am just not sure about any of it anymore.

 

He is primarily "the boss". We have a D/s type relationship and I feel that I give him everything he wants, sexually and otherwise, because he is the boss. I feel degraded and used when he chats online and texts other women, because here I am giving him every little thing that he says he wants. So, what does he need these interactions for???.

 

If I recall my D/s vernacular correctly, you are trying to dominate from the bottom. If you truly have a D/s relationship - then you have no right to question him. Also degradation is often part of the D/s relationship.

 

 

Did you honestly agree to be submissive to him before trusting him? How does that work?

 

BTW I am a female responding to your post - and I have no issue with my SO having female friends. I trust him - and know that he will nto do anything to jeopardize our relationship. He knows that if a day ever comes that I do not feel I can trust him, then we are through.

 

and I have many, many male friends as well. I am a professional woman in a predominantly male field - so having friends would be hard to avoid.

[Trialbyfire]

Kaii, I'm female and don't agree with you that men and women can't be friends. I do agree that there's something very wrong with his lying by omission and hiding things from you, especially when he lies to cover this up. It's a HUGE, red flag. It's like he's keeping these girls on the backburner and at the same time, getting his ego stroked.

 

I'm currently in a relationship. He knows exactly who my male friends are. I've even let him read some of my online IMs, without prompting.

 

Bottomline for your man is that if he wants to keep all his friends, you have to feel comfortable with the relationship between them.

 

He's been untrustworthy so far. So...for you, what would give you a comfort level with his interactions?

[Kaii]

If I recall my D/s vernacular correctly, you are trying to dominate from the bottom. If you truly have a D/s relationship - then you have no right to question him. Also degradation is often part of the D/s relationship.

 

 

Did you honestly agree to be submissive to him before trusting him? How does that work?

 

BTW I am a female responding to your post - and I have no issue with my SO having female friends. I trust him - and know that he will nto do anything to jeopardize our relationship. He knows that if a day ever comes that I do not feel I can trust him, then we are through.

 

and I have many, many male friends as well. I am a professional woman in a predominantly male field - so having friends would be hard to avoid.

 

Topping from the bottom is what it's called. D/s relationships are kind of like Catholics (which I am also, so don't fry me over this comment)...some go to mass only on Christmas Eve and others say the rosary nightly, go to weekly mass and confession.

 

D/s relationships are built on trust and respect...and I feel that the trust and respect are lacking right now.

 

In the vanilla community, it is a wrong held notion that subs have no right to question the Dom. In actual fact, it is the sub who is truly the one who holds all the power. It is the sub who has the safeword, the sub who says "Enough". It is the sub who ultimately decides whether they will submit or not. The Dom is the Dom because the sub allows them to be.

 

So, your comment regarding my not "having any right to question him" is off.

[curiousnycgirl]

Topping from the bottom is what it's called. D/s relationships are kind of like Catholics (which I am also, so don't fry me over this comment)...some go to mass only on Christmas Eve and others say the rosary nightly, go to weekly mass and confession.

 

D/s relationships are built on trust and respect...and I feel that the trust and respect are lacking right now.

 

In the vanilla community, it is a wrong held notion that subs have no right to question the Dom. In actual fact, it is the sub who is truly the one who holds all the power. It is the sub who has the safeword, the sub who says "Enough". It is the sub who ultimately decides whether they will submit or not. The Dom is the Dom because the sub allows them to be.

 

So, your comment regarding my not "having any right to question him" is off.

 

I would actually agree, my comment was off - but I was intentionally being extreme (although there are many D/s relationships that become Master/slave in which case the comment is dead on). I also agree the trust is lacking in your relationship - and that's the point I was trying to get to (obviously not affectively). How can you possibly be in a D/s relationship without trust? It is way more critical that in a vanilla relationship in many ways.

 

The concept of the acceptability of having friends of the opposite sex is a fundamental concept - if you can't trust him on that one - how can you trust him on the other stuff?

 

While I expressed my personal opinion on outside friends, that is only my opinion. You are entitled to yours - and if it doesn't gel with his, how can you trust him and why are you marrying him?

[sotired]

Kaii....I don't think you are overreacting at all. These female "friends" are so important to him that he's thrown one relationship away over them and is about to ruin another one.

 

Any time I hear of a man with tons of female friends I think he is either a slut or gay. Men are entitled to have friends, but close female friends while they are in a relationship is a different story.

 

I'd kick him to the curb, he isn't going to change.

[abouttoloseit]

Kaii, I am going through the exact situation as you. I am keeping an eye on this thread. My situation was that my g/f was flirting with a guy online, before we started going out. And after we started to go out, I asked her to stop talking him online. She has yet to resect my wish.

 

This turned me into msn log policeman. She continues to seek him out and talk to him even though it makes me feel insignificant. I have gone through EVERY emotion you have described so far, and I also think male/female "friendships" should be handled with extreme caution.

 

I have offered her my passwords, log files, inbox on my phone. Did she do the same? No, "respect her privacy".

 

Like someone has already pointed out, I believe in my case and probably yours, he is keeping this friend as back up. Which I find really disrespectful.

[reservoirdog1]

It seems that my views are very unpopular here regarding men and women being friends with the opposite sex when in a committed relationship. I wonder if that is because most of the respondents are male?

 

Could be. I'm male. I have female friends, a couple of whom I've slept with in the past. I don't spend a ton of time chatting with them, but they're in my circle and I see them from time to time. Most of them are also Facebook friends of mine.

 

I know how emotional affairs start. Call me been there, done that. It is all very innocent at first. It always is.

 

I don't chat with other men online, so why should he chat with other women? when we got together, I erased all my msn contacts that were male, and I assumed he did the same becuase we were in a committed relationship. We are getting married and trying to have a baby. We're not 2 teenagers who are dating.

 

I'm leaving aside the specifics of your situation; you've added more info about that since my earlier posts, and you may have some valid reasons to be concerned. I'll leave that to others to comment on, and deal with the broader issues you raise.

 

Absolutely, emotional affairs can begin with two people chatting online. But it doesn't logically or realistically follow that it's inevitable because they're doing so. And while it's relatively common that it DOES happen, in my humble opinion that's hardly enough of a reason to insist that one's significant other immediately break off communications with opposite sex friends.

 

Some of us, like me for instance, don't cheat. That's just not what we do. I'm not claiming to be better than anybody else, but on that issue I have a pretty rigid code of personal conduct and adhere to it. That's just how I roll.

 

And, I got pretty brutally cheated on by my XW during our marriage, which ended five years ago. She's very outgoing and personable and always had male friends. Three of them (at least) she ended up cheating with. One might have thought that would make me much less okay with the idea of my wife or girlfriend having opposite sex friends. But it hasn't -- I don't require of women I get involved with that they break off contact with their male friends as a group. I don't feel that I'd have any right whatsoever to ask that, and I wouldn't agree if a woman I was with required that of me. (It was that issue, among others, that led me to end my last relationship in July of '08.)

 

The only exception to this, in my mind, is that any friends of the opposite sex MUST be "friends of the marriage" -- i.e. they are supportive of your union and aren't doing anything to wreck it. Friends who are trying to seduce your partner, or who they've cheated on you with in the past, or who don't like you, are not friends of the marriage, and you're quite justified in requiring that contact be broken off with them.

[reservoirdog1]

Kaii, I am going through the exact situation as you. I am keeping an eye on this thread. My situation was that my g/f was flirting with a guy online, before we started going out. And after we started to go out, I asked her to stop talking him online. She has yet to resect my wish.

 

This turned me into msn log policeman. She continues to seek him out and talk to him even though it makes me feel insignificant. I have gone through EVERY emotion you have described so far, and I also think male/female "friendships" should be handled with extreme caution.

 

I have offered her my passwords, log files, inbox on my phone. Did she do the same? No, "respect her privacy".

 

Like someone has already pointed out, I believe in my case and probably yours, he is keeping this friend as back up. Which I find really disrespectful.

That, to me, is an example of one that's too close to the mark. She should stop contacting him.

 

Interesting about her wanting you to "respect her privacy". Wonder what she's hiding....

[Trialbyfire]

First and foremost, comes "respect the relationship", before "respect privacy" comes into play. The minute someone starts to hide ANYTHING, is an immediate red flag.

 

Regardless of what kind of relationship it is, trust and respect are key. Your partner can blather on about how much he/she respects you but it's his actions that really show you what he/she's about.

[Els]

Topping from the bottom is what it's called. D/s relationships are kind of like Catholics (which I am also, so don't fry me over this comment)...some go to mass only on Christmas Eve and others say the rosary nightly, go to weekly mass and confession.

 

D/s relationships are built on trust and respect...and I feel that the trust and respect are lacking right now.

 

In the vanilla community, it is a wrong held notion that subs have no right to question the Dom. In actual fact, it is the sub who is truly the one who holds all the power. It is the sub who has the safeword, the sub who says "Enough". It is the sub who ultimately decides whether they will submit or not. The Dom is the Dom because the sub allows them to be.

 

So, your comment regarding my not "having any right to question him" is off.

 

Just responding to this first:

 

No. In D/s, the sub has one choice: To remain in the D/s relationship/dynamic, or not to. Submitting when and where you please does not make you a sub, it makes you a bottom. Just clarifying the terms here. To be honest, if you had posted this on a D/s forum you would have been told that you ARE topping from the bottom.

 

But all this aside, I think you are being a little bit of a control freak. Let me explain. Yes, it's true that those messages would raise my hackles slightly too. Yes, 'chatting' does often lead to 'EA's. But 'chatting' in itself is not wrong. You said you do not want him to talk to ANY women friends, because he should get everything from you. My point is that you cannot prevent him from having an EA if he himself does not want to prevent himself from having an EA. You can make all the rules you like: No chatting with women, no hanging out with women friends, etc etc... But in the end, if HE wants to cheat he will. Either by going behind your back or finding other ways.

 

Being nitpicky about innocent-but-potentially-tempting habits such as 'chatting' is not going to prevent that. If anything, if he had it in him in the first place it will only trigger him to start considering an EA: 'Geez, I can't tell my gf about anything because she'll get all suspicious and think that I'm gonna cheat on her... I'd better talk to someone else.' If he tells you that he is not going to cheat, I would just take his word for it, but be cautious and alert. He will end up either proving himself to be true or not. And if he doesn't, then you know that you have given him the trust and space that he deserves but he intentionally betrayed you, and you can count yourself lucky for finding out before you do get a child with him.

 

For this reason, I would strongly advise you to postpone marriage and pregnancy until this issue has been resolved.