In Love, Want to Date

[KeastoGirl]

I'm 35, recently divorced, and have been in a wonderful relationship for nearly a year. I love this man to bits. He is also divorced, and if it weren't for one issue, I'd marry him tomorrow. And yes, he's asked.

 

It's his daughter. She is only four, but her poor behavior has actually kept me awake at night. She is extremely disrespectful and violent. If you saw her, you would see an angel and want to hug and kiss her; really get to know her and you will be cursed at, your children will be shoved and punched, and you will be relegated to food delivery person. I have even watched her stomp a little boy in the face with her boots on and tell her own grandfather he couldn't come to her house. After almost a year, I see only minor improvements, and namely that is, he got her to stop calling me by my first name. It took a year for that.

 

She is Daddy's Little Girl. He has an amazing knack to see the beautiful things she does--and miss EVERY bad thing, such that I feel like the wicked stepmother to report how she is treating everybody but him. He is indulging her to a point of danger I feel. She is bigger than my six year old daughter. Everywhere we go, people comment on her weight, which is really odd considering both her parents and both sets of grandparents are extremely thin people.

 

The flip side, her mother really is crazy, very abusive and I would never want him to treat his daughter like her mother does. He is trying to gain full custody, but he already has the child three weeks out of every month and her mother only one.Yesterday was something of a last straw. The little girl told me she had to stop herself from cursing at me in my own house because I had put on her father's watch and said I wanted to wear it to work. She is extremely territorial over her father and told me to take it off. He told her he would take it back. So she gets in my face telling me Ha, you can't have my daddy's watch. What was a silly little joke became a moment where she gets to disrespect me, he contradicts me and he does nothing about her rudeness.

 

It's hard to describe, because without her, he treats me like a queen. I can't believe a man like him even exists. I want for nothing with him, and I never have to doubt his love for me. I've talked about his disciplining to the point where I don't think I could say anymore. My feelings are clear, and I think I see him trying to fix things, it's just that it's not working. And after a year, how much longer do I wait?

 

I really don't want to merge our families if I have to deal with that kind of behavior, but more importantly his differences in discipline. So that leaves me wondering what exactly is the point. I love him so much, but I don't know how successful our relationship could be. This is very painful for me to think about, I'm so torn.

 

So enter in an old flame, sort of. You will laugh at this. There was a guy many years ago, when I was fresh in my separation who pursued me like you would not believe. He was friends of friends, and they all told me the same thing, stay away from this guy. He treats women very well, spoils them rotten, but essentially, he keeps a lot of them. I took the advice and became only friends with him. When I met my "stepdaughter's" mother, I jokingly said we needed to get her a boyfriend to get her to stop being so mean. And this old flame came to mind because he lives near her. I have been half-heartedly and very jokingly trying to see what he'd think of going out with my man's exwife, considering he loves so many women.

 

Well, what I find is a man who has unbelievable depth and is very concerned about his future and wants to settle down with the right woman. We've been talking more and more the past couple weeks and I don't have to tell you that was a dangerous thing to do. I've not seen him in months. I'm not at a point of no return, but I am insatiably curious now and so is he. He told me I needed to stop joking around and face the attraction between us. I leave him cold every time he changes to that topic. I haven't done or said anything yet that would threaten my current relationship, but of course, I'm now negotiating in my head whether seeing both of them is something I can handle.

 

I know I'm horrible to think this, but without the judgment, tell me what you think and what you'd do. Would you leave a very fulfilling relationship because of a child?

[KeastoGirl]

I think this belongs under a different forum, so I moved it. My apologies.

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?p=2130364#post2130364

[TaraMaiden]

In love want to date.

can't have cake and eat it too.

It's simple.

You just have to make the choice.

one or the other.

 

And if physical and mental attraction is growing with this second man - then I think your loyalty to the first is damaged already.

Don't you?

[LovieDove24]

Well if you're past the point of wanting any children for yourself then I'd say its time to try and work it out. Suggest some type of behavioral counseling or a good therapist for children. Something needs to be done to correct her behavior.

 

If you would consider having children with him then you need to really look at his parenting skills and decide whether or not thats something you'd want for your own. If you'd still like to have kids down the road I'd say this ones certainly not a keeper.

[LoveLace]

This child has been abused and knows nothing but to act it out. She is not taught proper behavior because daddy feels sorry for her. It is good that he can provide her with the love a child needs, but lack of discipline allows her to keep behaving this way so even all of his love itself is not going to fix her.

 

Even without her behavior, the child needs professional therapy because she is a child of abuse. Psychologically she has to learn how to face this and deal, but at such a young age with such an immature mind, this is especially challenging. However, the sooner dad steps it up to discipline more and get professional help, the better. In fact I think he needs professional help, too. Abuse effects everyone involved. She has learned behavior from mommy so she does not see it as wrong. Daddy doesn't tell her "it's bad to hit people" and sew on. This is very serious and dad needs to be told that ignoring the issue is as bad as abusing her. It's not too late for the child to learn what is okay and what is not okay in the world of discipline and manners. But it will be too late if he waits until she is old enough to take on independence. Children become more independent and think for themselves more in the pre-teen years. Her behavior is going to land her into juvenile jail if it's not addressed. In fact if she goes to start kindergarten, chances are she will be placed with behavorial disordered students.

 

I would tell him that I can only be a part of the family if he's willing to help this family and let you be involved as much as he will let you. I would tell him that his future relationships will all be very conflicted if he loses you and continues to avoid his child's issues. I think you should be a part of the therapy as well...if you are willing.

 

Aside from all that, maybe you should just be honest and say that the child and the baggage is simply coming between you, to the point where you are considering another man.

[KeastoGirl]

Thank you for your responses.

 

Lovelace, it's funny you mention school because I had forgotten about that. I did tell him once she got to school, this issue would come to a head and sure enough it did. She is in pre-kindergarten and daily comes home with bad behavior reports. It even happens at Sunday School. He will usually not tell me, but amazingly his daughter will report herself that she had to go to the principal's office, or she had to be taken to another class because of hitting, not listening, etc.

 

I am all for counseling and would be very happy to go, as clearly my boyfriend doesn't exactly have the objectivity needed. They had tried some parenting classes-mediation thing but the exwife would not cooperate.

 

@ LovieDovie. I do have children of my own, sorry if that wasn't clear in the original post. That is what worries me most is having two rules of discipline under one roof. I have two little ones, 6, and 8, so I just feel very strongly about having well-behaved children. I'm no where near perfect, but I would hurt my children if they ever spoke to my boyfriend the way his child speaks to me.

 

@TaraMaiden. I guess you're right. The thing is I was hardly taking this other guy seriously, but one thing I have been doing is seeing my boyfriend less to avoid problems with his child. And I miss him like crazy, but I don't miss being disrespected by his child. That only made me vulnerable I see. If I were to choose between the two men, it's easy. I'd pick my current boyfriend. It's just that he comes with a package that makes me want to put back everything.

[LoveLace]

So she must be learning this behavior is not acceptable while at school; but if the same actions are not taken at home, she will not change in either environment. He's looking at a very troublesome future with her if he is not aggressive in starting a change NOW. H*ll, he should be told to do it for his kid, not just for you. He needs to think about what is best for a child and for his overall success in relationships and family function. Without dad disciplining at home, she will never take punishment at school very seriously, nor will she take bad behavior seriously and who knows where she could end up when she's old enough to make her own bad decisions. Not to mention, consistency and worsening of her own behavior will eventually lead someone at school to question her home life, something dad would probably not like at all. He can provide as much discipline to her as he can love and he needs reassurance that this is okay and considered to be good parenting.