In Love, Want to Date

I'm 35, recently divorced, and have been in a wonderful relationship for nearly a year. I love this man to bits. He is also divorced, and if it weren't for one issue, I'd marry him tomorrow. And yes, he's asked.

It's his daughter. She is only four, but her poor behavior has actually kept me awake at night. She is extremely disrespectful and violent. If you saw her, you would see an angel and want to hug and kiss her; really get to know her and you will be cursed at, your children will be shoved and punched, and you will be relegated to food delivery person. I have even watched her stomp a little boy in the face with her boots on and tell her own grandfather he couldn't come to her house. After almost a year, I see only minor improvements, and namely that is, he got her to stop calling me by my first name. It took a year for that.

She is Daddy's Little Girl. He has an amazing knack to see the beautiful things she does--and miss EVERY bad thing, such that I feel like the wicked stepmother to report how she is treating everybody but him. He is indulging her to a point of danger I feel. She is bigger than my six year old daughter. Everywhere we go, people comment on her weight, which is really odd considering both her parents and both sets of grandparents are extremely thin people.

The flip side, her mother really is crazy, very abusive and I would never want him to treat his daughter like her mother does. He is trying to gain full custody, but he already has the child three weeks out of every month and her mother only one.Yesterday was something of a last straw. The little girl told me she had to stop herself from cursing at me in my own house because I had put on her father's watch and said I wanted to wear it to work. She is extremely territorial over her father and told me to take it off. He told her he would take it back. So she gets in my face telling me Ha, you can't have my daddy's watch. What was a silly little joke became a moment where she gets to disrespect me, he contradicts me and he does nothing about her rudeness.

It's hard to describe, because without her, he treats me like a queen. I can't believe a man like him even exists. I want for nothing with him, and I never have to doubt his love for me. I've talked about his disciplining to the point where I don't think I could say anymore. My feelings are clear, and I think I see him trying to fix things, it's just that it's not working. And after a year, how much longer do I wait?

I really don't want to merge our families if I have to deal with that kind of behavior, but more importantly his differences in discipline. So that leaves me wondering what exactly is the point. I love him so much, but I don't know how successful our relationship could be. This is very painful for me to think about, I'm so torn.

So enter in an old flame, sort of. You will laugh at this. There was a guy many years ago, when I was fresh in my separation who pursued me like you would not believe. He was friends of friends, and they all told me the same thing, stay away from this guy. He treats women very well, spoils them rotten, but essentially, he keeps a lot of them. I took the advice and became only friends with him. When I met my "stepdaughter's" mother, I jokingly said we needed to get her a boyfriend to get her to stop being so mean. And this old flame came to mind because he lives near her. I have been half-heartedly and very jokingly trying to see what he'd think of going out with my man's exwife, considering he loves so many women.

Well, what I find is a man who has unbelievable depth and is very concerned about his future and wants to settle down with the right woman. We've been talking more and more the past couple weeks and I don't have to tell you that was a dangerous thing to do. I've not seen him in months. I'm not at a point of no return, but I am insatiably curious now and so is he. He told me I needed to stop joking around and face the attraction between us. I leave him cold every time he changes to that topic. I haven't done or said anything yet that would threaten my current relationship, but of course, I'm now negotiating in my head whether seeing both of them is something I can handle.

I know I'm horrible to think this, but without the judgment, tell me what you think and what you'd do. Would you leave a very fulfilling relationship because of a child?

I agree that this girl can be extremely toxic to your relationship.

He needs to control her. And he is not.

Marriage is about intimacy, conflict and negotiation. Obviously Hubby handles intimacy very well but how does he handle conflict? Conflict is vital to every marriage and both of you need to do it properly.

Let him mature.

This is a major form of disrespect. When you have brought up discipline for the child what does he say to you? Take the next level and tell your fiancee that his child is tearing you two apart because you allow her to disrespect you. Let him know that when you two are married... how will you both (as parents) discipline the child. All of those things need to be talked about before you even go into this marriage.

As far as the other guy... if this guy is entering your thoughts... you have already disrespected your relationship with your fiancee.

There's no doubt this girl has some serious psychological issues that need to be dealt with. It's clear she's been abused and hence her behavior.. I would certainly be very cautious so your own daughter doesn't get corrupted witnessing those " disrespectful and violent " episodes that you mentionned.

I would simply bring it to his attention, talk about it candidly as adults, and possibly get this kid some help, because she is straight up "messed up". I found it very odd and disrespectful on his part to even let his daughter treat you like that - like crap - This is not acceptable and I see major problem down the line if you don't whack this.. like NOW.. And "YES" she can and will tear your relationship apart -- now or later --

About the old flame, all I can tell you is - if it moves like a duck, and quacks like a duck, it must be a duck-

Do not even THINK of any legal relationship with this guy and his daughter, she will wreck your mge., before it ever gets off the ground. Best thing you can do is to date others, if you need to end it with this guy and his evil daughter, then dating will help to wean you away from this guy. If you REALLY want a relationship, then you need to voice your concerns very seriously, and his daughter needs to be taught how to act and how to get along with others, NOW before you and he tie any legal knots. You are not her mother, never will be, and she will let you know it everyday of your life, and she will drive a stake thru the heart of any relationship you might have with her father.

I married a guy with a little devilish daughter. We divorced because of her. I treated her very well, but I just couldn't stand her, I was so miserable when she was around. Finally (after a couple years of being married), he dumped me and did me a huge favor. Ironically, I am married to a man who loves my sons (from the first marriage) so much that he intends to adopt them. I would never again live with any small kids that aren't mine or any big kids who aren't nice. Life is too short to struggle with that. Some people can love other people's kids, some can't. I can't and it's time for you to admit to yourself that you can't either. My two boys are very lively; they run around, :bunny: they're noisy, they get tantrums, and hubby still loves them as their own. I don't get it!

The thing is, she's his daughter and she'll always be number one. And you might be 1000% right, but unless you love his daughter, neither you nor he will be happy. You know what living with him will be like: hell. He can't straighten her out no matter how much he tries. Some kids are just more difficult than others. My ex admitted that his daughter was unbearable. He couldn't handle her. Parents struggle and put up with their kids when they're bad. If you can't put up with his daughter, then date him without living with him until she moves out of the house or becomes a good girl.

Since you have a child of your own, I am surprised that you can't understand his position. You know, my kids can piss me off when they misbehave, but if I had a lover who complained about their behavior, I'd kick him out of my life instantly. I broke up with a guy who was cold to my kids, because I realized that we had no future together if he acted like that.

Either accept or leave. But you can't make him change his daughter no matter how bad she might be. You will argue about her five times a day and eventually, he will dump you. He doesn't care if you're right or wrong; he wants to be happy. And if you regularly chew his head off about his child, he'll be miserable with you.

Thank you all for your responses. I appreciate your insights.

I agree that this girl can be extremely toxic to your relationship.

 

He needs to control her. And he is not.

 

Marriage is about intimacy, conflict and negotiation. Obviously Hubby handles intimacy very well but how does he handle conflict? Conflict is vital to every marriage and both of you need to do it properly.

 

Let him mature.

When it comes to just us, we handle conflict so well. It is one of the things that really makes me admire him. But I get the sense he doesn't believe me when I talk about his daughter's behavior. I think he thinks I'm exaggerating and what he's doing to calm her behavior is just to please me. Because I truly tell you, his daughter worships the ground he walks on. It's a beautiful relationship, and he can't seem to fathom that she is not that way to everybody, no matter how many people tell him about her bad behavior, like the teachers at school and church. I swear on everything I love, I have watched her push and shove other children and run straight to her dad and tell him she loves him and he's the best dad ever. And all he ever sees is the sweetness. I have watched those same children she hit come back and hit her back and she runs to dad and say they were being mean to her and he intervenes on her behalf. It is an amazing piece of work.

This is a major form of disrespect. When you have brought up discipline for the child what does he say to you? Take the next level and tell your fiancee that his child is tearing you two apart because you allow her to disrespect you. Let him know that when you two are married... how will you both (as parents) discipline the child. All of those things need to be talked about before you even go into this marriage.

 

As far as the other guy... if this guy is entering your thoughts... you have already disrespected your relationship with your fiancee.

He says he loves his daughter, and he watched how his exwife treated her and he won't do that to her. I completely respect that. What can I say to that? He told me I act like he is raising a little monster. I said I can't bring children into a house with two different rules of discipline, because I will not let my children do what his daughter does. I feel any time I open my mouth on this issue again will damage our relationship. I think he feels her putting "Miss" before my first name is respect and that proves he's fixed the problem.

There's no doubt this girl has some serious psychological issues that need to be dealt with. It's clear she's been abused and hence her behavior.. I would certainly be very cautious so your own daughter doesn't get corrupted witnessing those " disrespectful and violent " episodes that you mentionned.

 

I would simply bring it to his attention, talk about it candidly as adults, and possibly get this kid some help, because she is straight up "messed up". I found it very odd and disrespectful on his part to even let his daughter treat you like that - like crap - This is not acceptable and I see major problem down the line if you don't whack this.. like NOW.. And "YES" she can and will tear your relationship apart -- now or later --

 

About the old flame, all I can tell you is - if it moves like a duck, and quacks like a duck, it must be a duck-

Oy, I know, I know. I've talked til I am blue in the face over this issue. But I haven't mentioned getting her help. I think that is great advice, I just have to figure out how to approach the subject with him. He will probably think I am telling him he is a failure as a father, if I do, and I don't want to do that.

As far as the other guy goes, I don't know what to think. I feel like I can't fix this problem and that hurts like hell because we love each other so much. This other guy is nice distraction and it helps my ego to know I won't have to be alone if I have to break things off. That's terrible, I know. But it's honest.

Do not even THINK of any legal relationship with this guy and his daughter, she will wreck your mge., before it ever gets off the ground. Best thing you can do is to date others, if you need to end it with this guy and his evil daughter, then dating will help to wean you away from this guy. If you REALLY want a relationship, then you need to voice your concerns very seriously, and his daughter needs to be taught how to act and how to get along with others, NOW before you and he tie any legal knots. You are not her mother, never will be, and she will let you know it everyday of your life, and she will drive a stake thru the heart of any relationship you might have with her father.

These are my greatest fears. I felt once she got to school and grew up a bit, things might get better, but I see the longer he's single parenting her, the worse it gets. He fills the voids with indulgence and turns a deaf ear to the world. Here's a little more to the story that I was trying to avoid talking about. She is actually his second child--sort of. The first child he had with the exwife turned out not to be his. And that is what caused the divorce, so truly from that very ugly situation, he emerged with only his daughter. I do understand that. He lived with this gnawing uncertainty when the first child was born and when his daughter came, he just knew immediately what was up because her appearance and their bond was just unbelievable.

The thing is, I've met the first child, he is a SWEETHEART!!! He is normal weight and got along with my children at a birthday party like peas in a pod. I've talked to him a few times when he sees the man who is really his father. I know this is sounding complicated, but the two men are working it out like champs from this bad situation.

I married a guy with a little devilish daughter. We divorced because of her. I treated her very well, but I just couldn't stand her, I was so miserable when she was around. Finally (after a couple years of being married), he dumped me and did me a huge favor. Ironically, I am married to a man who loves my sons (from the first marriage) so much that he intends to adopt them. I would never again live with any small kids that aren't mine or any big kids who aren't nice. Life is too short to struggle with that. Some people can love other people's kids, some can't. I can't and it's time for you to admit to yourself that you can't either. My two boys are very lively; they run around, :bunny: they're noisy, they get tantrums, and hubby still loves them as their own. I don't get it!

 

The thing is, she's his daughter and she'll always be number one. And you might be 1000% right, but unless you love his daughter, neither you nor he will be happy. You know what living with him will be like: hell. He can't straighten her out no matter how much he tries. Some kids are just more difficult than others. My ex admitted that his daughter was unbearable. He couldn't handle her. Parents struggle and put up with their kids when they're bad. If you can't put up with his daughter, then date him without living with him until she moves out of the house or becomes a good girl.

 

Since you have a child of your own, I am surprised that you can't understand his position. You know, my kids can piss me off when they misbehave, but if I had a lover who complained about their behavior, I'd kick him out of my life instantly. I broke up with a guy who was cold to my kids, because I realized that we had no future together if he acted like that.

 

Either accept or leave. But you can't make him change his daughter no matter how bad she might be. You will argue about her five times a day and eventually, he will dump you. He doesn't care if you're right or wrong; he wants to be happy. And if you regularly chew his head off about his child, he'll be miserable with you.

Gosh, that was hard to take. But I really wanted to hear from someone who's been there, so thank you. I do understand his position. I thought he would see my point that you're doing more harm by not disciplining her properly (rather than trying not to repeat what her mother does.) And he loves my children, but of course, they've never treated him disrespectfully. I agree life would be hell in those quarters, so I am not anxious to take a trip down the aisle. Is it too much to ask for visible progress? But you just scared the bejeebees out of me, so I can wait for sure.

So do you feel there was anything you could have done to make your previous marriage work when it came to dealing with your exstepdaughter?

I think you already know that going into a marriage will not work for the both of you. I would let him know you love him but the situation is tough. Let him know you don't want to come between the father and daughter relationship they have.