grogster Posted April 16, 2009 Posted April 16, 2009 TBF, I feel I have come full circle. I have experienced marriage and cohabitation. I have also had children. Now that I know what it entails, I do not want any part of it again. I have grown deliciously selfish. I do what I want when I want if I want and I am not accountable to anyone. I do not want the responsibilites, the demands, the necessary compromises that come with living with someone. I am quite happy with my life, the way I have organized it and the way I live it. I have my job, my money,my friends, my lovers, my trips, my daughter and this is more than enough for me. I do not need a live-in partner to feel fulfilled or content. It may work for some people but not for me. This I know about myself very well. I want my time to be my own exclusively. I have deromanticized marriage. I know that it is hard work and I do not want to do it again. You see, I don't want to HAVE TO do anything for anyone anymore. I don't want to share my life with anyone. I want to hoard it for myself and myself only. Falling in love is easier when you are young because youth is by definition hopeful,romantic,driven by passion. Once you reach a certain age, you see life in all its stark reality and that fire in your loins that was once so easily lit ablaze becomes harder to ignite. Perhaps, this is as it should be. After all, aging is about renouncing the things of youth. I am not staying it can't happen, it can, just that the chances are slimmer probably because it is not all that important to you anymore. Actually, being 50 is liberating. And life is more exciting simply because you are finally free to live for yourself and yourself only. That in itself is full of possibilities. Beautifully written, marlena. Passion's dimming with age can be liberating. We are no longer slaves to our loins. Again, very well said.
marlena Posted April 16, 2009 Posted April 16, 2009 If you need any tips, we Shackers are here to misinform. Not, you, groggie!!! You NEVER misinform!!! Your advice to me was always impeccable!!!
Trialbyfire Posted April 16, 2009 Posted April 16, 2009 marlena, it's okay to want to be single and live life solely for self. It's a different spin than suggesting that all relationships are burdens. Good ones are energizing and while there's no doubt the perk of having the physicality aka killer sex, the emotional and intellectual connection are also worth it. Previous to meeting my fiance, it didn't seem worthwhile to ever do the marriage thing again, although I never disbelieved in the institute of marriage. After meeting and getting to know him, I'm back in the saddle again!
marlena Posted April 16, 2009 Posted April 16, 2009 After meeting and getting to know him, I'm back in the saddle again! I am happy for you and I wish you all the happiness in the world! And many,many offspring, too!!
Trialbyfire Posted April 16, 2009 Posted April 16, 2009 Thanks marlena, max. two in our future litter, according to me! He doesn't care how many, with a more is better attitude. Easy for him to say! I'm glad you're in the place you want to be and happy with your choice in life.
marlena Posted April 16, 2009 Posted April 16, 2009 I'm glad you're in the place you want to be and happy with your choice in life. Thanks, sweetie!!
Jersey Shortie Posted April 16, 2009 Posted April 16, 2009 Trial, even if it doesn't seem like it, sometimes your posts and positive outlook give me hope.
grogster Posted April 16, 2009 Posted April 16, 2009 I don't want to veer too much off-topic, but the Shack is a virtual lab for different life stages. There's TBF who's about to embark on the marriage/family voyage and Lizzie, Marlena and I who've done the marriage/young family thing and who now view life differently from earlier-stage Shackers. It's a wonderful thing to see 50-somethings and 20 and 30-somethings compare notes about life and love. For most 50-somethings dating means something entirely different than it would to a 20 or 30-something. There's less at stake. Superficially, the experience's the same, but it's felt differently. It reminds me of that Gail Sheehy book, Passages. Well, age matters.
Trialbyfire Posted April 16, 2009 Posted April 16, 2009 JerseyShortie, I'm sincerely glad to hear that. Sure, you'll meet men who aren't compatible but when you find someone worth it, appreciate him for who he is, warts and all! grogster, don't forget I've done the false start with my first marriage. Perhaps I should be cynical but life's too damn short for me to not embrace someone who's right for me, core values, goals, et al! We're headed for the matching rocking chairs but if not, I will survive, just like I've done before.
marlena Posted April 16, 2009 Posted April 16, 2009 It reminds me of that Gail Sheehy book, Passages. I read that book years ago, groggie and I remember it had quite an impact on me. Here's a saying from my country: Where you are today I was and where I am today you will one day be. And yes, I agree that it is wonderful that people of all ages can find a common ground and interact so beautifully here on LS! We never cease to learn from one another.
Author Isolde Posted April 16, 2009 Author Posted April 16, 2009 I wholeheartedly believe that one should never say never. It's tempting to delineate life that way... but there are always surprises! My mom told me a story of a distant relative who met the love of his life when he was in his sixties or seventies. I don't remember the details--but it was one of those stories that makes me believes inexplicable love does happen. I feel like older people are more relaxed and openminded--so when they do find love, they tend to handle it better than younger people, less intensely perhaps but perhaps with more enjoyment overall.
Author Isolde Posted April 16, 2009 Author Posted April 16, 2009 For most 50-somethings dating means something entirely different than it would to a 20 or 30-something. There's less at stake. Superficially, the experience's the same, but it's felt differently. While this is probably true, it goes without saying that individuals feel things differently too. For example, I'm not an archetypal 22-year old in how I've experienced relationships. My general feelings towards relationships and sex are probably normal for my age, but I definitely can't compare my relationship experiences to those of most of my peers, both due to my lack of experience and my individual needs/wants for the relationships I (hopefully!) do end up having.
BCCA Posted April 16, 2009 Posted April 16, 2009 I'm not currently dating, because I havent met anyone worth pursuing, and those that I've met in the recent past werent interested. Im not giving up, but I dont spend every waking moment seeking out new people, or trying to get a date. The dating pool for a mid twenties guy is also painful. Most of the single women I meet my age seem to either have a ridiculously high opinion of themselves and the man they deserve, are looking for someone to help raise their children, or hear their biological clock ticking and want to be married next week. Im sure there are a lot of normal and sane women out there, but dating is frustrating, and you really have to go through a lot of frogs. So, Im looking, just not finding, but am in no hurry.
SpanksTheMonkey Posted April 17, 2009 Posted April 17, 2009 As I said I feel sympathy but feel the best action would be to accept the men for who they are. What is the point of 150k per year if you can't knock up a hot chick ? . Jumbo shrimp! lol... :lmao:
BoredPerson Posted April 17, 2009 Posted April 17, 2009 I think the most important thing is treating others with respect and helping your fellow man. I don't think a man or woman without children is sad or tragic at all. I think it's sad and tragic that a person would amoun their worth to this anyway. Seriously, there are too many people now-a-days anyway over populating the Earth and messing up Nature. I don't think God ever said "Go forth, make tons of money and bang a hot chick so she can take care of your screaming harpies for the rest of her days." When you make six figures and have a job you love getting some hot chick up the duff suddenly looks like a lot more fun. Most of the guys I work with have kids, and almost all of them are on 6 figures. There are a lot of young men who have young families and you can just tell how happy it makes them. The idea is definitely to do what you describe. I can think of few things better than to be able to exhale in such a though of having a woman, who is willing to actually be a woman and take care of children.
Lizzie60 Posted April 17, 2009 Posted April 17, 2009 I'm on, Lizzie. An Adult Friend Finder for the middle-aged. We can call it BoomerLove.com, and market it to the needy post-marrieds. With your brains and beauty, and my fortune, we'll make a mint! Grogs.. were you being sarcastic here?
grogster Posted April 17, 2009 Posted April 17, 2009 Grogs.. were you being sarcastic here? Not at all. I thought I was being witty, and complimentary to you. Back to the drawing board. I hate communicating through text. Here's a pic showing how I feel about you:
Lizzie60 Posted April 17, 2009 Posted April 17, 2009 Not at all. I thought I was being witty, and complimentary to you. Back to the drawing board. I hate communicating through text. Here's a pic showing how I feel about you: ... aaahhh I was looking all through your profile for an indecent picture.. ... I know.. I'm bad...
grogster Posted April 17, 2009 Posted April 17, 2009 ... aaahhh I was looking all through your profile for an indecent picture.. ... I know.. I'm bad... The mods told me to remove all my hot, nude pics. Of course, the hot looking naked guys weren't me, but I love pretending.
Lizzie60 Posted April 17, 2009 Posted April 17, 2009 You can always start an album.. and show it to your contacts only..
Lights Posted April 17, 2009 Posted April 17, 2009 Thanks for your honest answers everyone. I'm seeing several main patterns here: People on a self-imposed breakPeople who have been disillusioned and don't believe they'll find what they want through datingPeople who are in love with someone else and therefore EUPeople who lack confidencePeople who lack opportunitiesI'm convinced that dating as such isn't necessary to find a relationship, but I'm trying to stay open to it. 2, 4, and 5 here. I've done 1 sometimes when I've focused on other things in life, but I don't have any reason to believe I'd have been on any dates during those time spans if I hadn't been on said "break". In my life, datelessness isn't ever really the result of choice.
Jersey Shortie Posted April 18, 2009 Posted April 18, 2009 When you make six figures and have a job you love getting some hot chick up the duff suddenly looks like a lot more fun. Most of the guys I work with have kids, and almost all of them are on 6 figures. There are a lot of young men who have young families and you can just tell how happy it makes them. The idea is definitely to do what you describe. I can think of few things better than to be able to exhale in such a though of having a woman, who is willing to actually be a woman and take care of children. Perhaps the reason they have families and you don't is that they don't say things like "getting some hot chick up the duff". Women like it when men have souls.
soserious1 Posted April 18, 2009 Posted April 18, 2009 I have to question why a woman is single at 50.. Maybe she is paying for her past mistakes. I think that is the most likely scenario. A shame but deserved I guess. I can only hope that she will set aside her dislike of men and her unreasonable standards so that she may find someone and be happy. I am single at 50 because I divorced a lazy,malingering person who was using me as a meal ticket while also cheating on me. As for my "dislike of men" I like men just fine... What I'm saying is that I've finished raising my children, aside from fiscal supports I cheerfully provide to my PH.D candidate Many men in the 50-58 yr old age range are still actively parenting kids in their teen years. Kids are great but I'm not interested in raising or helping to pay for another set of children. While I am entirely self-supporting and don't have a requirement that a man be a high earner, I have my own fiscal obligations and would not be willing to take on the lion's share of a man's personal expenses to "help him out" because he's still paying alimony and child support.
soserious1 Posted April 18, 2009 Posted April 18, 2009 As a guy in his 50's, your depictions, while perhaps psychologically true (for you), are socially false. You paint with too broad a black brush. In the USA, among upper middle class professionals, there are many 50-somethings who lead healthy, happy and age appropriate erotic lives. Not all of us are enfeebled, baggage burdened, on death's door and hunting youngsters. Lighten up. Educated, upper middle class men in the 50-58 year old age group are generally married, of those who are divorced, many of them are still rearing and paying for children, sometimes for sets of children from 1st and second wives. Many of them do have the physical ills that accompany high stress jobs and lifestyles. The small group of men who are 50-58 without entanglements from prior marriages generally are looking for women 10 or so years younger than myself. The other problem for me is this, I am in a career where people often bloom very late in life, performing their best work, perhaps making their greatest discoveries and contributing to the body of work in my field. Many men in my age range range are winding down career wise, they can see the finish line ahead of them "retirement".This could lead to a lot of lifestyle clashes that I really wish to avoid.
soserious1 Posted April 18, 2009 Posted April 18, 2009 When you make six figures and have a job you love getting some hot chick up the duff suddenly looks like a lot more fun. Most of the guys I work with have kids, and almost all of them are on 6 figures. There are a lot of young men who have young families and you can just tell how happy it makes them. The idea is definitely to do what you describe. I can think of few things better than to be able to exhale in such a though of having a woman, who is willing to actually be a woman and take care of children. What a curiously distasteful creature you are.. up the duff indeed.. I reared 3 amazingly bright, children who are now wonderfully aware, compassionate, well educated adults. Having intelligence, an education and my own career made it possible for these 3 to be born and to be reared in a manner that made their successful transition to adulthood possible.
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