paddington bear Posted April 13, 2009 Posted April 13, 2009 Women are very picky and being a good person is just not enough. So naturally good people will start to reject that part of themselves and become something else. I know I did, now that is a little bit deep don't you think ? That maybe you could try and have some understanding that the women might be doing something that does not help the situation. When all of these men are bending and twisting to fit a womans needs and things are still not working. Am I really such a bad guy for asking these questions and for not assuming as everyone else that women are perfect little divas ? If you are a single, attractive, career minded woman in your 30's isn't it about time YOU asked YOURSELF why YOU are SINGLE ? I'm female and I have to agree with Mr. Bored - and it doesn't necessarily mean that women are always looking for someone rich, perfect etc. but I think when younger we have more romantic notions about Mr. Right, if we don't ditch these ideas in our 30's we're screwed as we are no longer young, the dating pool is considerably less, men in their 30's have been through bad relationships, divorce etc and can be very emotionally wary about getting involved in any kind of relationship again and so on, which means that we have to drop our ideas of 'perfection' and simply assess what is realistic and would make you happy. What I mean is when younger you might have on your imaginary list: Good looking, must have dark/blonde/red hair, good job, wears cool clothes, listens to x y z music and so on. I think now in my 30's I realise that I was somehow still clinging on to the above immature ideas regarding men and what a 'good man' is. Now I'm looking simply for someone I'm attracted to, am willing to give someone that I'm not utterly repulsed by a chance, as attraction can grow when you get to know someone better, and am simply looking for someone kind, same sense of humour, emotionally available (even if he has baggage such as an ex or children etc, so long as he's emotionally available I don't care). So don't jump down Bored's throat - I think most people I know have ended up with a 'Mr. Right' who bore no resemblence to the type of person that they would have previously thought they'd end up with. To answer the OP's question, the reason I am not dating is because no one asks me out on dates .
spookie Posted April 13, 2009 Posted April 13, 2009 I don't see the point of settling for Mr. Not-Right. I intend to remain self-sufficient, and being around someone who mildly annoys me most of the time (like all the Mr. Not-Rights) is not appealing. If I want kids and I'm approaching too-late alone, I'll have them by myself. Why should we settle?
spookie Posted April 13, 2009 Posted April 13, 2009 I'm female and I have to agree with Mr. Bored - and it doesn't necessarily mean that women are always looking for someone rich, perfect etc. but I think when younger we have more romantic notions about Mr. Right, if we don't ditch these ideas in our 30's we're screwed as we are no longer young, the dating pool is considerably less, men in their 30's have been through bad relationships, divorce etc and can be very emotionally wary about getting involved in any kind of relationship again and so on, which means that we have to drop our ideas of 'perfection' and simply assess what is realistic and would make you happy. What I mean is when younger you might have on your imaginary list: Good looking, must have dark/blonde/red hair, good job, wears cool clothes, listens to x y z music and so on. I think now in my 30's I realise that I was somehow still clinging on to the above immature ideas regarding men and what a 'good man' is. Now I'm looking simply for someone I'm attracted to, am willing to give someone that I'm not utterly repulsed by a chance, as attraction can grow when you get to know someone better, and am simply looking for someone kind, same sense of humour, emotionally available (even if he has baggage such as an ex or children etc, so long as he's emotionally available I don't care). So don't jump down Bored's throat - I think most people I know have ended up with a 'Mr. Right' who bore no resemblence to the type of person that they would have previously thought they'd end up with. To answer the OP's question, the reason I am not dating is because no one asks me out on dates . People may have lists, but I think they go right out the window as soon as we meet someone with whom we have that intangible magical connection. For me, "settling" means settling for someone we don't have those butterflies with. As far as I'm concerned, a relationship without butterflies is pointless.
paddington bear Posted April 13, 2009 Posted April 13, 2009 No no no! You got me all wrong. I didn't mean 'settling' no one should have to do that, nor want to. I meant more that you have a George Clooney-esque guy in your head and no less will do, when in fact the love of your life is some guy who works in the bookshop down the road who you've never given a second glance to because he doesn't match up to the unrealistic expectations in your head. Butterflies are a must, but butterflies can grow...urgh just had a horrible thought of butterflies growing in your stomach - but I've been there, with someone who I initially didn't find attractive and then slowly did and then bingo, there were the butterflies.
lazlow99 Posted April 13, 2009 Posted April 13, 2009 For me, socially I'm not meeting enough new people at the moment. I'm at university in my second year, and I just hang around with the same people I was friends with in my first year. In class no one really talks to anyone else unless you're put into groups for the semester, and I'm not a member of any societies or sports things, so I guess my social group is pretty small, especially since we moved into a house off campus, which limits my chances of meeting anyone new let alone single girls that I find attractive. Also I've gone off nightclubs and going out getting wasted, I got sick of the drunken ''drama'' that often happens and how superficial a lot of people are in those situations, anyway... I think a lot of it has to do with confidence too. When things are going well I'm happy, funny, good with people etc, but if I'm struggling with coursework, or a hurdle comes my way I become more quiet and reserved. For example since Christmas I've had a lot of work, my car was stolen, I've had to find a new place to live and other things to sort out, so I've been more focused on those things than anything else. And I've noticed that when I have a lot on my mind I tend to dress down and not spend much time on my appearance, so I guess this affects my self confidence in a way. I suppose I make priorities and looking good or finding a potential girlfriend isn't high on the list sometimes. If someone came along at anytime and we hit it off that would be great. But I only really start thinking about and wanting a relationship when everything else is running smoothly. Pretty much all the girls I've had anything with in the past I've met in weird/random situations where you don't usually meet someone, so I guess you never know what will happen and sometimes you just have to play the hand you're dealt.
LoveLace Posted April 13, 2009 Posted April 13, 2009 Ok I won't rant. I think a lot of women approaching their 30's have an attitude problem. They're too demanding and should have settled with someone decent in their mid 20's rather than being picky. Women in their 20's have the crazies and refuse to do the above. Therefore in their 30's they have trouble finding men. That is your problem it is more than obvious without knowing anything about you. Should have settled with someone in my 20's? Why? I was obviously not ready, or I would have done so. I chose to enjoy my time to myself instead. I have no regrets even though it's harder to be single in my 30's. And the reason it's harder to find men in the 30's is because DUH, most of them are not available for finding. The pool is much smaller. I'm no more "demanding" than I ever was before. There are just a lot less men to be "demanding" to....because perhaps they "settled" for the women of their 20's who were just in a big damn hurry to get married because that's what all their friends were doing. And most of those couples I know...are no longer as happy or as in love. I'm perfectly glad not to be one of them.
Author Isolde Posted April 13, 2009 Author Posted April 13, 2009 TBF, I DO want to date! Like LoveLace and Spookie, I just haven't found someone I like who likes me back, yet. Or if I've come close, the timing was all wrong. I definitely will never give up, though. As for the whole 30's thing, I guess I would consider adoption if I was in my late thirties and still single, but I honestly don't know if I would want to raise a kid without a dad. Bottom line, though, I refuse to let anyone other than me dictate who's the right person for me to be in a relationship with!
Trialbyfire Posted April 13, 2009 Posted April 13, 2009 But the OP ? Apparently she is too good for all of the men who are nice enough to stay in her life. What is she waiting for ? Brad Pitt ? Or Mr. Big from sex and the city to come take her out for cosmos ? Perhaps a dot com millionare ! Or a man who saves dolphins while feeding African orphans. I can understand not dating an unemployed man or someone who cannot support himself... but ... you know. Please be less picky and more mating. Why in the world would Isolde settle? Particularly if you're the kind of guy that you feel she needs to settle for. Here's a little "tough love" back. Your attitude stinks. Stop playing the victim and accept that women aren't interested, not because of superficiality but because there's nothing inside of you but hate, bitterness and spite. Who in their right mind would date someone like you?
Author Isolde Posted April 13, 2009 Author Posted April 13, 2009 Should have settled with someone in my 20's? Why? I was obviously not ready, or I would have done so. I chose to enjoy my time to myself instead. I have no regrets even though it's harder to be single in my 30's. And the reason it's harder to find men in the 30's is because DUH, most of them are not available for finding. The pool is much smaller. I'm no more "demanding" than I ever was before. There are just a lot less men to be "demanding" to....because perhaps they "settled" for the women of their 20's who were just in a big damn hurry to get married because that's what all their friends were doing. And most of those couples I know...are no longer as happy or as in love. I'm perfectly glad not to be one of them. Don't listen to Bored, LoveLace. I'm sorry you've been feeling down lately. All I can say is try not to channel the "success" of your dating life into how you feel about yourself in general. I know, it's hard. Rejection sucks. But remember, it just takes one person!
Author Isolde Posted April 13, 2009 Author Posted April 13, 2009 But the OP ? Apparently she is too good for all of the men who are nice enough to stay in her life. What is she waiting for ? Brad Pitt ? Or Mr. Big from sex and the city to come take her out for cosmos ? Perhaps a dot com millionare ! Or a man who saves dolphins while feeding African orphans. I can understand not dating an unemployed man or someone who cannot support himself... but ... you know. Please be less picky and more mating. This amount of vitriol is ridiculous. You know NOTHING about who is in my life. For the record, there is NO ONE at all.
Author Isolde Posted April 13, 2009 Author Posted April 13, 2009 Where would I fit into your list? People that are probably going to be in another part of the world in the near future so find it pointless to enter into something long term? I would fit that into the "self imposed break" category, as this is hopefully a temporary situation.
Cherry Blossom 35 Posted April 13, 2009 Posted April 13, 2009 Being single means living in the land of peaks and valleys. There are times when men seem to grow from trees and times when you are in a barren desert. I have been to both places many, many times, as you know, Isolde. What I have found is that when I start to feel really discouraged, I take myself out of the dating game. I don't mean that I'm not open to meeting someone, rather that I take time to focus on what really makes me happy. Then I do those things. I tell myself that I'm taking a break, and I give myself a pass on trying so hard to meet someone. I will actually give myself a time limit. I will say, I'm focusing on myself for the next three months. I'm going to do fun things with my friends, travel, read, go see movies, learn something new. Every time I've done this I end up meeting someone out of the blue, usually while I'm still in my self-imposed break. Try it!
Author Isolde Posted April 13, 2009 Author Posted April 13, 2009 For me, it's been a barren desert with a couple of mirages Yeah, I think it's not a bad idea impose a "break," at least insofar as that gives me more of a feeling that I have a bit of control over what happens. For months, my emphasis has been on making friends in a more general way, rather than dating per se. It hasn't worked, but I guess I'm trying my best.
peteyj Posted April 13, 2009 Posted April 13, 2009 It's a wonder why half the posters are single.. The one guy seems to hate women cause they won't date him and the women who post have nothing but nasty crap to say as well. Lighten up. Nobody should settle for anybody but the one person who would have the kids on her own...Yeah we already have leaches in Los Angeles like that who have 14 kids. Who the hell wants that crap. Self Sufficient my azz. The biggest problem with the '30's' is that some women are intent on settling down and having kids. And guys like me who were in relationships and once married have no desire to do that. Maybe in a few years but a 32 year old female will probably want to talk more about the kids, marriage and so on compared to a 24 year old. And like I said for somebody like me, I'm more about living the moment than looking to get into any serious relationship. And it also depends on where you live. There are plenty of spoiled women in CA who want the millionaires who drive the 250K cars and live in million dollar homes. I've been to plenty of clubs where a few women had the nerve to tell me and my friend we couldn't afford to buy them drinks. Stupid us wound up buying the whole bar drinks because we can't stand people disrespecting us. But that is a lot of the scene where I live. Spoiled brats who want nothing but trust fund guys or millionaires. Even when you make six figures and are doing well that's not enough.
Trialbyfire Posted April 13, 2009 Posted April 13, 2009 It's a wonder why half the posters are single.. The one guy seems to hate women cause they won't date him and the women who post have nothing but nasty crap to say as well. Lighten up. Nobody should settle for anybody but the one person who would have the kids on her own...Yeah we already have leaches in Los Angeles like that who have 14 kids. Who the hell wants that crap. Self Sufficient my azz. The biggest problem with the '30's' is that some women are intent on settling down and having kids. And guys like me who were in relationships and once married have no desire to do that. Maybe in a few years but a 32 year old female will probably want to talk more about the kids, marriage and so on compared to a 24 year old. And like I said for somebody like me, I'm more about living the moment than looking to get into any serious relationship. And it also depends on where you live. There are plenty of spoiled women in CA who want the millionaires who drive the 250K cars and live in million dollar homes. I've been to plenty of clubs where a few women had the nerve to tell me and my friend we couldn't afford to buy them drinks. Stupid us wound up buying the whole bar drinks because we can't stand people disrespecting us. But that is a lot of the scene where I live. Spoiled brats who want nothing but trust fund guys or millionaires. Even when you make six figures and are doing well that's not enough. So it's okay for you to covet someone too young for you, due to commitment issues but it's not okay for a certain type of woman to want their criteria? Hmmm...just hmmm...talk about self-entitlement!!
Jaytb Posted April 13, 2009 Posted April 13, 2009 Isolde, if Bored is any example of the guys out there, no wonder you don't want to date! I'd hit a nunnery or turn lesbian first! I agree with you there, but I understand where Bored's angst comes from. I mean, the most feared thing for a guy is to be told "You're a great guy and all, but you're just not for me!" If you're told this your whole life, you have to wonder, if I'm so great, why do I have no relationships/dates? I think it might come down to saying one thing, and doing another. I think some women say "I only want a nice guy to treat me right" and then end up dating some jerk. And from what I can tell, jerks get women, while nice guys don't. Now, I'm not speaking from experience, because I'm a nice guy who found a nice girl to go along with me. I think that's the solution (well duhhhh I think to myself as I type this). If you're a nice guy then you just have to find a nice girl.
Author Isolde Posted April 13, 2009 Author Posted April 13, 2009 Jaytb, I'm sorry, but women are often told, "You're great, but you're not the right one for me" as well. Or guys have sex with them and then leave them. Some women have experienced this repeatedly. I haven't, but I have been rejected several times. Which is fine--I'm looking for someone compatible with me, no more and no less.
Trialbyfire Posted April 13, 2009 Posted April 13, 2009 Now, I'm not speaking from experience, because I'm a nice guy who found a nice girl to go along with me. I think that's the solution (well duhhhh I think to myself as I type this). If you're a nice guy then you just have to find a nice girl.Exactly, like finds like! Whatever you want to term yourself, be it nice guy, arsehole, whatever, if you find the right person for you, the rest is moot. Let's pretend that someone like Bored is constantly shooting for someone like Isolde, who can bring both brains and beauty to the table, without that horrible victim attitude of gender hatred. What in the world could he ever bring to the table, when he's so broken on the inside? Someone like that has to either fix himself inside or find someone equally or more broken, than he is. Good luck with that!
7117 Posted April 13, 2009 Posted April 13, 2009 Today is a bad day for me to answer why am i not dating.I ran into this girl at a function my sisters totally set it up and i got shy.Why the hell did I get shy I am so mad I will not meet another girl like this for a long time.I walk in and she is walking her grandmother to go eat holding her hand the most attractive thing to me ever and I let her go never to know her name some guy will be lucky to get this girl.
D-Lish Posted April 13, 2009 Posted April 13, 2009 I'm not dating at the moment because I felt the need to take a break and clear my head. I just wanted to get my job and finances back in order, clear up some personal issues, etc. I wasn't feeling too great about myself for a long time and that only led to dating the wrong people. I think it's important to be in a good place if you're going to consider a relationship. I've already been married, and I don't have kids. I don't want to rush into getting married again, nor am I wanting to have kids. The way I feel right now is that is someone comes along, fine. If no one does- I enjoy being alone.
Jaytb Posted April 13, 2009 Posted April 13, 2009 Jaytb, I'm sorry, but women are often told, "You're great, but you're not the right one for me" as well. Or guys have sex with them and then leave them. Some women have experienced this repeatedly. I haven't, but I have been rejected several times. Which is fine--I'm looking for someone compatible with me, no more and no less. hey I'm just saying where the angst comes from. I didn't say it's a one sided problem. Although women get the benefit of men pursuing them, which means men have the problem of having to deal with rejection a lot more than women do.
peteyj Posted April 13, 2009 Posted April 13, 2009 So it's okay for you to covet someone too young for you, due to commitment issues but it's not okay for a certain type of woman to want their criteria? Hmmm...just hmmm...talk about self-entitlement!! It's not really self-entitlement it's the fact that when i was in my twenties the majority of females the same age as me preferred to date older guys. So if I were 24 most 24 year old females I knew dated 29 year olds and 30 year olds and even a few dated 40 year olds and so on. It was what it was and I really never gave a crap about it but I knew a lot of my friends and other guys always pissed about that fact. Fast forward to today and a lot of those same women we knew back then are now 30 something year olds who are still single and complain about not finding 'mr right'. Except now they aren't so young anymore and it's not as easy as it once was for them. I find this fact kind of funny. Many of these women bragged about being able to get older guys, having fun, guys their own age didn't get them or weren't mature enough......So as time moves on go figure many of these same women are the ones whining about men their own age dating younger women. Seems they loved it when they were young but not so much when they aren't soo young anymore.
Trialbyfire Posted April 13, 2009 Posted April 13, 2009 It's not really self-entitlement it's the fact that when i was in my twenties the majority of females the same age as me preferred to date older guys. So if I were 24 most 24 year old females I knew dated 29 year olds and 30 year olds and even a few dated 40 year olds and so on. It was what it was and I really never gave a crap about it but I knew a lot of my friends and other guys always pissed about that fact. Fast forward to today and a lot of those same women we knew back then are now 30 something year olds who are still single and complain about not finding 'mr right'. Except now they aren't so young anymore and it's not as easy as it once was for them. I find this fact kind of funny. Many of these women bragged about being able to get older guys, having fun, guys their own age didn't get them or weren't mature enough......So as time moves on go figure many of these same women are the ones whining about men their own age dating younger women. Seems they loved it when they were young but not so much when they aren't soo young anymore. If all this honestly didn't bother or affect you, you wouldn't be making issue of it by bringing it up. As for finding Mr. Right, I can only highly encourage other women to never settle. Settling for someone who can't provide you with honest emotion and commitment, if that's what you're looking for, is asking for heartbreak. I didn't have to settle for anyone, especially considering my 4 foot long requirements list. And now, at 34 years old, I've finally found my Prince Charming!
MN randomguy Posted April 13, 2009 Posted April 13, 2009 Thanks for your honest answers everyone. I'm seeing several main patterns here: People on a self-imposed breakPeople who have been disillusioned and don't believe they'll find what they want through datingPeople who are in love with someone else and therefore EUPeople who lack confidencePeople who lack opportunities I'm convinced that dating as such isn't necessary to find a relationship, but I'm trying to stay open to it. meh, 2 and 4. Used to be all 4 now its becoming more and more 2.
NINEBREAKER Posted April 13, 2009 Posted April 13, 2009 well tonight i met a very pretty latino girl. my dating might change lol
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