silktricks Posted April 28, 2009 Posted April 28, 2009 I'm not "bitter" what I am is leveled, blasted, totally ruined emotionally and fiscally. my 55 yr old ex husband is living with the 33 yr old hottie he cheated on me with, I'm court ordered to pay him $2,750 in alimony per month. I guess it's fitting that my life gets leveled and then I get to sit here while cheating spouses advise me on how to become a better, more forgiving person. SS1, I hope you find some peace. (BTW, I'm not a WS, I'm a former BS.) I'm not sure how I would manage to find peace if I were in your shoes, mind you, but nonetheless I hope it for you.
soserious1 Posted April 28, 2009 Posted April 28, 2009 SS1, I hope you find some peace. (BTW, I'm not a WS, I'm a former BS.) I'm not sure how I would manage to find peace if I were in your shoes, mind you, but nonetheless I hope it for you. LOL,thank you, right before the 1st of the month is rough for me. I've been sitting here contemplating the OP's original question. "What should happen to cheating spouses as a group? I would think that having them fall head over heels in love with their affair partner. giving up literally everything they'd built in their lives thus far to be with that affair partner... and then to have the affair partner do to them the exact same thing they did to their spouse, having them experience being repaid in the same coin.
Snowflower Posted April 28, 2009 Posted April 28, 2009 I would think that having them fall head over heels in love with their affair partner. giving up literally everything they'd built in their lives thus far to be with that affair partner... and then to have the affair partner do to them the exact same thing they did to their spouse, having them experience being repaid in the same coin. Actually, I do think this happens more than anyone realizes. Hence the saying, "one who cheats with you will cheat on you." Sometimes that happens when the WS attempts to get back with their BS thereby "cheating" on the AP. soserious, what happened to you has to be difficult because it is so unfair. But think about it, do you think the "33 year old hottie" will always want to stay with your ex considering the fact that he is over 20 years older than her? Methinks he will get what is coming to him eventually. Just food for thought!
soserious1 Posted April 29, 2009 Posted April 29, 2009 Actually, I do think this happens more than anyone realizes. Hence the saying, "one who cheats with you will cheat on you." Sometimes that happens when the WS attempts to get back with their BS thereby "cheating" on the AP. soserious, what happened to you has to be difficult because it is so unfair. But think about it, do you think the "33 year old hottie" will always want to stay with your ex considering the fact that he is over 20 years older than her? Methinks he will get what is coming to him eventually. Just food for thought! My ex is quite the entitled piece of work,I'd be more likely to think that he uses this gal for whatever he can get before doing the same things to her that he did to me. I don't blame her btw, god knows what he told her about his marital situation and she wasn't married to me, he was, if anything I feel sorry for her.
pkn06002 Posted April 29, 2009 Posted April 29, 2009 I'm not "bitter" what I am is leveled, blasted, totally ruined emotionally and fiscally. my 55 yr old ex husband is living with the 33 yr old hottie he cheated on me with, I'm court ordered to pay him $2,750 in alimony per month. I guess it's fitting that my life gets leveled and then I get to sit here while cheating spouses advise me on how to become a better, more forgiving person. I am not making it personal with you, so don't start down that road with me. Never said you were "bitter" now did I? The BS's here can help keep you from going down that road. But leave if you want and preach to the choir, but that will not help you.
soserious1 Posted April 29, 2009 Posted April 29, 2009 I am not making it personal with you, so don't start down that road with me. Never said you were "bitter" now did I? The BS's here can help keep you from going down that road. But leave if you want and preach to the choir, but that will not help you. Ok and what exactly is going to help me? This should be a totally stellar read. I'm sorry but I believe people who cheat, lie, gaslight, sometimes for YEARS are totally morally bankrupt.
bentnotbroken Posted April 29, 2009 Posted April 29, 2009 I am not making it personal with you, so don't start down that road with me. Never said you were "bitter" now did I? The BS's here can help keep you from going down that road. But leave if you want and preach to the choir, but that will not help you. Maybe it will help her. Since no of us knows what the other truly needs... maybe the best response would have been it won't help you.
bentnotbroken Posted April 29, 2009 Posted April 29, 2009 then please accept my apologies . where would I find such a forum where cheaters aren't welcome? btw, IMHO being free to air one's opinion doesn't not carry with it the obligation for others to agree does it? I know of a couple, pm me if you want.
soserious1 Posted April 29, 2009 Posted April 29, 2009 Maybe it will help her. Since no of us knows what the other truly needs... maybe the best response would have been it won't help you. If all members of the affair triangle are welcome here and it's just fine that cheating spouses can sit here and tell betrayed spouses things like "get over it" and call us names like "bitter" and judgmental" because we refuse to find it in our hearts to forgive and take back an unfaithful spouse then I respectfully submit that betrayed spouses have the right to also air our thoughts! The difference between those who cheat and those who don't is imho one of honor, that silly little belief that when the going gets rough we follow thru on our promises and do everything possible to make things better. IMHO, somebody who has betrayed trust,gas lighted, blame shifted, lied, exposed you to STD's..they have shown you really clearly who they are and how they cope when things are not to their liking. Yes, I suppose it would be possible to forgive a one night stand but years of lies, blame shifting and other assorted stuff WS frequently put a BS thru? I hope to live long enough to forgive my ex but to forget ? no, not possible and that is on him, not me.
bentnotbroken Posted April 29, 2009 Posted April 29, 2009 Wrap your self absorbed mind around this concept. For many of us, what fate awaited our cheating spouses isn't something we worried or cared about. All that concerned a lot of us was getting the cheater out of our beds,our hearts , our bank accounts and our homes. Once you set the trash out on the curb, you don't need to think or care about it anymore. Amen, amen. Just make sure there are no stray pieces floating around.
bentnotbroken Posted April 29, 2009 Posted April 29, 2009 Perhaps at the time of the infidelity, we are wired differently than YOU....But people change. They can realize where they "dropped the ball" so to speak, pick up the pieces & move on. I guess the question also came from so many on here with a bit of a holier-than-thou attitude. I suppose you have a right, you were the one that was cheated ON. But is it not possible to give us the benefit of the doubt & believe that we can change. We can become better people. We can realize that our "mistake" can be fixed if our spouse is willing to let us back into their hearts. Can we all just get along & be here for each other. I do believe that through God all things are possible, even cheaters never cheating again. IMHO, I don't think(yes, just an opinion) that most cheaters remake their character and eliminate the flaw that allowed them to deal with their problems in a more constructive way. I think that first realization comes in being completely honest with their spouses and more importantly themselves. Choices can't be labeled mistakes, and everyone who doesn't continue the marriage isn't bitter. I think everyone should be able to voice their opinion, as it is a public forum, but getting along requires more than what is demonstrated on this(and other)forums. I have to be very honest, I have very little if any respect for the married cheaters. There are a few who have completely owned every aspect of their behavior and try to lead others away from the pitfalls. But in my experience here and other boards, it is typically about justification, rewriting the marriage and sweeping some facts under the rug. Have talked with a few AP in the time I have been here and there are some genuinely nice people here. They have tried to move their lives forward and help others to move forward also, this I can respect. But I do have a hard time respecting someone who will knowingly expose the person they say they love to the consequences of the encounter of an affair.
soserious1 Posted April 29, 2009 Posted April 29, 2009 Bent, nice post My feelings are these If you can go for weeks,months, years telling lies, blame shifting, gas lighting to cover up an affair imho you've got a character flaw that makes you toxic to my well being. If you go on to have some sort of religious experience and see the nature of your misdeeds, more power to you but once you do something like this to me, we are history, for my own sanity and self-preservation.. there are some things that love cannot fix! An affair of any duration isn't just one poor choice, it isn't just one lie, it isn't just one cut to the BS's heart, it is thousands of cuts, it is a choice made over and over again. If you have it in you to forget and forgive such a betrayal ,may god be with you but I just do not.
Reggie Posted April 29, 2009 Posted April 29, 2009 Well actually since the non-cheaters seem to be the minority (in general) it would be easier to move all of you to an island. Sounds good to me. How about Fiji or somewhere tropical(with good golf courses).
pkn06002 Posted April 29, 2009 Posted April 29, 2009 Ok and what exactly is going to help me? This should be a totally stellar read. I'm sorry but I believe people who cheat, lie, gaslight, sometimes for YEARS are totally morally bankrupt. Well good for you. If you don't like the idea of WS's responding this place will be a bit stressing for you. Morally bankrupt maybe in your limited view of the world sure, but in mine not so much.
Dexter Morgan Posted April 29, 2009 Posted April 29, 2009 Morally bankrupt maybe in your limited view of the world sure, but in mine not so much. oh, but of course YOU would say that:rolleyes:
Author confusedinkansas Posted April 29, 2009 Author Posted April 29, 2009 I do believe that through God all things are possible, even cheaters never cheating again. IMHO, I don't think(yes, just an opinion) that most cheaters remake their character and eliminate the flaw that allowed them to deal with their problems in a more constructive way. I think that first realization comes in being completely honest with their spouses and more importantly themselves. Choices can't be labeled mistakes, and everyone who doesn't continue the marriage isn't bitter. I think everyone should be able to voice their opinion, as it is a public forum, but getting along requires more than what is demonstrated on this(and other)forums. I have to be very honest, I have very little if any respect for the married cheaters. There are a few who have completely owned every aspect of their behavior and try to lead others away from the pitfalls. But in my experience here and other boards, it is typically about justification, rewriting the marriage and sweeping some facts under the rug. Have talked with a few AP in the time I have been here and there are some genuinely nice people here. They have tried to move their lives forward and help others to move forward also, this I can respect. But I do have a hard time respecting someone who will knowingly expose the person they say they love to the consequences of the encounter of an affair. I do believe that IF someone has cheated, it is possible to realize what the consequences were & are to everyone involved & make the steps to change their life. AND to never go there again. I'm that person. Even if I take another selfish route PERSONALLY it's just not the lifestyle I choose anymore. I was hurt by the choices I made & I don't care to be hurt - or to let myself be in a situation like that again. YES....lots of I's in that statement. But it is a clear & definite choice I"ve made. I do know that my husband (while not totally devistated & hiding under a rock) was hurt by my actions as well....our marriage suffered. We have made a very solid choice to put things back together. (there were other issues involved in the breakdown of the marriage - not just infidelity) So far, everything is working out. We communicate very well with one another, we can have conversations without arguements. We haven't swept what happened under the rug. Counseling & hours of us talking about what happened & how to prevent it from happening again...That's how we have repaired things. {keep in mind 3+ years ago was the affair - so there's not much chatter at my house about it anymore} soserious1 ~ I truly apologize if I pissed you off yesterday. It honestly was not my intention. I know that some people that have been hurt by infidelity, never recover from it. My situation, I'm guessing, isn't like yours at all. That's the beauty that makes this world go around........We're all different. I'm curious though - if you would tell your "story"...what happened. Besides your husband finding a much younger woman. Most people think that the affair isn't what causes a marriage to fall apart - but a symptom of other things.
Dexter Morgan Posted April 29, 2009 Posted April 29, 2009 Why are you responding if it makes you mad? probably for the same reason you respond when it makes you mad:p This WS is not YOUR WS, so your anger is miss directed. Nope....BS's anger is more appropriately directed at their WS, but it still doesn't mean that the actions of other individuals doesn't rile up emotions. We can despise despicable behavior in others....just as you do...just as everyone does.
Dexter Morgan Posted April 29, 2009 Posted April 29, 2009 I'm not "bitter" what I am is leveled, blasted, totally ruined emotionally and fiscally. my 55 yr old ex husband is living with the 33 yr old hottie he cheated on me with, I'm court ordered to pay him $2,750 in alimony per month. WTF?? He cheats, and HE gets alimony out of if?? Sorry you have to have insult added to injury. Sadly, infidelity doesn't play a role in division of marital assets, and in rare cases like this...alimony. But it damn well should. Why should a person that has been betrayed and didn't want to be forced into the position of divorcing have to pay the cheater a thing? Thats just f####d up! I guess it's fitting that my life gets leveled and then I get to sit here while cheating spouses advise me on how to become a better, more forgiving person. Ya, alot of people will see it that way since you just HAD to have done something to push your X to cheat on you.
pkn06002 Posted April 29, 2009 Posted April 29, 2009 Nope....BS's anger is more appropriately directed at their WS, but it still doesn't mean that the actions of other individuals doesn't rile up emotions. We can despise despicable behavior in others....just as you do...just as everyone does. Dexter yes your right. But when folks just start lashing out (I know I used to do it) it just leads to flame wars that really do no good. That is the one thing different about LS than other sites, the people here try to get along and actually discuss things. Other sites not so much. Tell you what as a WS I have gotten a lot out of the BS's here. But it took me getting past being defensive and lashing out to get to that point. Heck there is a reason I don't post in this forum much anymore, it is not constructive.
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