Does it always end in divorce?

[confusedinkansas]

Does having an affair ALWAYS mean your marriage ends in DIVORCE?

 

While I believe that LS is a great tool & a really good place to come & get others opinions & vent ~~ It seems that some of you on here are so quick to say "Continue with plans to Divorce him or her"..."I'd kick her/him out on his bum" ..."They screwed up, don't give them another chance"....etc, etc, etc.

 

I am on both sides of the EA & PA. My PA happened 4+ years ago....His EA...maybe 7 years ago. (I posted here when I was having serious melt downs & couldn't function if I didn't put on "paper" how I felt. Got some good, & some not so good advice)

 

FF.....Now......I honestly can't remember the last time we were this happy. Lots of things (besides affairs) can tear a couple apart. We've had our share........But thru it all we have come back together, no plans for divorce & love & respect for each other like I only imagined was possible.

 

I'm just saying.......for those of you that are so quick to tell someone to KICK THE OLD BALL & CHAIN DOWN THE ROAD.... There are those occasions where that isn't the answer & happiness does return to a once horrible marriage.

 

So to answer my own question......I say NO.....Affairs are not always the end of a marriage.

[Chrome Barracuda]

Affairs dont always ruin marriages correct but they are hell of a big mark on it as well especially if the marriage had bad problems. The affair makes them worse.

[2sure]

Many posters here do feel that often or even always that divorce is the only real solution to infidelity...

 

Many , but not most. Most posters here that are dealing with A's are here because they are looking for ways to come to terms with it, and move forward with the marriage. For some it works, for some it doesnt.

 

My marriage is in recovery, and we are happy. Posting here has been a real tool for me to bring into the process.

 

Your successful recovery will give hope to others who are hoping for the same results.

[Reggie]

I think it depends on two factors. The first is the WS's willingness to come clean, accept full responsibility for the decision to have an affair , and a committment to work on her/his own personal brokeness, as wekk as the WS's contribution to the pre -A marital problems.

The second is the BS's reaction to the betrayal. Depending on a lot of factors(childhood abandonment, the length of the A and the extent of the invariable attendant cruelty((gaslighting, blameshifting, criticiism, etc)) and other things that I cannot think of), some BSs simply cannot get over this. Even with a fully remourseful WS, most BSs do not get past this and the stats on the marriage continuing seem to be at around 30%(and this does take into consideration the fact that many of the "suviving" unions limp along for the duration.)

So, count yourself lucky if you are happy now. It was a longhshot , getting to this point, once you guys started cheating on each other.

I really think the majority of BSs are better off divorcing. But, most want to give reconciling a try ,first. There are some scattered stories of successful reconciliation, so it may be worth a shot.

[Untouchable_Fire]

I am on both sides of the EA & PA. My PA happened 4+ years ago....His EA...maybe 7 years ago. (I posted here when I was having serious melt downs & couldn't function if I didn't put on "paper" how I felt. Got some good, & some not so good advice)

 

So to answer my own question......I say NO.....Affairs are not always the end of a marriage.

 

An affair creates a disparity within the marriage. Some people have no self worth and are willing to just live with that. In order to justify their lack of courage they claim the marriage is better than ever, when really they are just too busy kissing butt and frightened witless that they are going to be left all alone.

 

So... no Affairs don't always end marriages.

 

If I was your husband... at the very minimum I would consider myself to be in possession of a "get laid free" card.

[bentnotbroken]

I don't believe most posters do say divorce. I think most talk about forgiveness and moving forward. I'm not one of them:p, but there are a number of posters here who have worked through infidelity.

[Snowflower]

Kansas, your story is inspiring.

 

My husband and I are also in recovery after his brief A. It has been very difficult and while we are not completely healed my H and I can say that something very good has come out of a bad situation.

 

I agree that many things, not just an A, can tear a marriage apart. This is what is happening in the marriage of a family member of mine. It is so sad to see this couple just drift further and further apart, the resentments and anger and bitterness continue to build-and there is no infidelity in their marriage. I worry that divorce will be the only answer for them at some not to distant point in the future.

 

Back to my H and me--it is like a crisis point (infidelity in our case) has completely burned away everything that was bad in our relationship: the pettiness, the resentments, etc. that had built up over the years. Who knows, my H and I could have ended up like the family member I mentioned above in a few more years. How sad is that? I'm not saying infidelity was worth it--it's just a different take on the idea.

 

We are starting all over again. I can't speak for everyone who posts here after infidelity has occurred but in my case it has given my H and me chance to truly build our relationship for the first time.

 

My H and I got married very young (I was 19 and he was 23) after knowing each other for less than 4 months! We had a baby less than a year later and just drifted along after that--looking back I'm surprised we made it as long as we did.

 

We had a typical marriage in a lot of ways-despite our rough beginning--but after 18 years of a so-so marriage a crisis happened. It wasn't at all right what my H did but I'm not sure we could have really ever built our marriage the right way without some type of serious crisis in our relationship. The total destruction/devastation of our marriage gave us the opportunity to build our relationship the right way this time.

 

So, I am just saying that I agree that infidelity doesn't have to be the end. Yes, I agree there are many situations where divorce is probably the best answer-the betrayal is just too deep. But in other cases, like my own and others that I have read about here on LS-there is hope that a better marriage can be built on the ashes of the old one!

[boldjack]

I believe that most marriages end in divorce, eventually. Maybe a few stay married, but most of them aren't happy, more like resigned to existence. I wish you well in your attempt , but the misstrust will reemerge when you least expect it. Afterall, you had sex outside of marriage, he didn't. Maybe you should let him have a PA to even things out. Marriages sometimes survive, trust, almost never.

[confusedinkansas]

Thanks for sharing your story snowflower...And, good luck to you! I believe if you want somethig badly enough to work out - It will!

I also believe that the GOOD/SUCCESS stories, as well as the horrific....should be told here.

 

Untouchable_ Just because my husband didn't have an affair, does not mean that the things he did in the marriage weren't just as hurtful. Affaira aren't the WORST thing that can happen in a marriage. They are up there on the scale, but not the WORST.

Also, your comment about being left alone - Correct. I was one of those that was afraid to be alone - so was he. But we are by no means on cruise control either....walking on eggshells, afraid to hurt each other "kissing butt" (as you put it). We are both trying to re-build & do it better this time.

Side Note: Just because I had an affair, does not mean he should have a "get laid free" card...That's pretty funny though:lmao: I get it "An Eye For An Eye".....silly in real life me thinks!

[Snowflower]

Thanks for sharing your story snowflower...And, good luck to you! I believe if you want somethig badly enough to work out - It will!

I also believe that the GOOD/SUCCESS stories, as well as the horrific....should be told here.

 

Untouchable_ Just because my husband didn't have an affair, does not mean that the things he did in the marriage weren't just as hurtful. Affaira aren't the WORST thing that can happen in a marriage. They are up there on the scale, but not the WORST.

Also, your comment about being left alone - Correct. I was one of those that was afraid to be alone - so was he. But we are by no means on cruise control either....walking on eggshells, afraid to hurt each other "kissing butt" (as you put it). We are both trying to re-build & do it better this time.

Side Note: Just because I had an affair, does not mean he should have a "get laid free" card...That's pretty funny though:lmao: I get it "An Eye For An Eye".....silly in real life me thinks!

 

Kansas--Affairs are among some of the worst things you can do in a marriage and I agree with you that there are other ways to betray a spouse and your wedding vows. I'm not minimizing the impact of an affair though!

 

The important thing to keep in mind is that everyone (both the WS and the BS) and each affair situation is different. I dislike it when people project their experiences or attitudes onto other people who have been impacted by an affair.

 

I remember shortly after my H confessed what he had done and I was having a really tough day at work--I couldn't concentrate and I was in so much pain. I told my boss I was leaving for the day and explained briefly what had happened--she had already known some of it. I will never forget what my boss told me and she had been through a terrible marriage with an unfaithful spouse herself, "I won't tell you to just dump him or walk away. That is your decision. I think sometimes people race to that decision because they think somehow they are saving themselves from the pain."

I thought that was good advice--it annoys me when people almost insist that divorce is the only option.

 

No one, except the spouses involved really know what the situation is. I also think it is very easy for someone outside to just say, "oh you need to just divorce him/her." These well-meaning givers of advice don't have to live with what they are suggesting!

[Reggie]

I agree. It is up to each individual what course he/she chooses. Neither is a picnic. I was given no choice, so I went the divorce route. It is tough. I see my kids less frequently than I would like. But, I really do no miss my NPD wife. It was for the best.

[boldjack]

Most of us posters have been thru what you are experiencing. I was the WS in my marriage and even though we reconciled, there was always a shadow over us (of my own making). Small things assume mega-importance, every movement is questioned and requestioned, until all harmony is gone. Her trust in me was broken and although I did everything imaginable, including telling her she should have an affair of her own, nothing could bring it back. We existed in the same house for 2 years, then broke apart. If you can make it work, more power to you, and I applaude you for trying. I'm just saying that in my experience, it doesn't work.

[Dexter Morgan]

So to answer my own question......I say NO.....Affairs are not always the end of a marriage.

 

Not always...but they should be the end.

[Untouchable_Fire]

Untouchable_ Just because my husband didn't have an affair, does not mean that the things he did in the marriage weren't just as hurtful. Affaira aren't the WORST thing that can happen in a marriage. They are up there on the scale, but not the WORST.

Also, your comment about being left alone - Correct. I was one of those that was afraid to be alone - so was he. But we are by no means on cruise control either....walking on eggshells, afraid to hurt each other "kissing butt" (as you put it). We are both trying to re-build & do it better this time.

Side Note: Just because I had an affair, does not mean he should have a "get laid free" card...That's pretty funny though:lmao: I get it "An Eye For An Eye".....silly in real life me thinks!

 

It is silly. Very silly, and impractical. However, it demonstrates a point. If the scales don't balance... only a total loser can accept that in a marriage. It's like emotional welfare... and if that's what he is willing to accept in life... the bare minimum... I can't respect him.

 

It is not possible to cheat on someone you love.

[Dexter Morgan]

Untouchable_ Just because my husband didn't have an affair, does not mean that the things he did in the marriage weren't just as hurtful. Affaira aren't the WORST thing that can happen in a marriage.

 

Says you.

 

 

Side Note: Just because I had an affair, does not mean he should have a "get laid free" card...That's pretty funny though:lmao: I get it "An Eye For An Eye".....silly in real life me thinks!

 

Yes, it is silly in real life. But here is the thing. He didn't have sex with someone outside that marriage....you did. Thats a pretty big faux paux on your part that he has to put up with and live with. Thats one of the reasons I wasn't about to stay married to my X. the thought of her getting something outside the marriage while I stayed faithful was too much for me to reconcile. I would always look at her and think.....she spread her legs for another guy while we were married. I could have done that, but didn't.

 

So now one of us in the marriage was a cheater. And that is something I wasn't willing to settle for in a lesser lived life. So she was history.

 

So while your husband may seem fairly happy...think again. If you think he complete forgot you having sex with someone else...think again. It will haunt him for the rest of his life. it would have me too, but not anymore since she is now insignificant to me. Sure I think about it now and then, but it doesn't haunt or bother me because she is no longer my problem.

[Darth Vader]

Says you.

 

 

 

 

Yes, it is silly in real life. But here is the thing. He didn't have sex with someone outside that marriage....you did. Thats a pretty big faux paux on your part that he has to put up with and live with. Thats one of the reasons I wasn't about to stay married to my X. the thought of her getting something outside the marriage while I stayed faithful was too much for me to reconcile. I would always look at her and think.....she spread her legs for another guy while we were married. I could have done that, but didn't.

 

So now one of us in the marriage was a cheater. And that is something I wasn't willing to settle for in a lesser lived life. So she was history.

 

So while your husband may seem fairly happy...think again. If you think he complete forgot you having sex with someone else...think again. It will haunt him for the rest of his life. it would have me too, but not anymore since she is now insignificant to me. Sure I think about it now and then, but it doesn't haunt or bother me because she is no longer my problem.

 

 

It almost sounds like it was ok for her to do it, but not her husband. Not that it would be good either way. So that tells me if he had another woman ride him, she would've left. Me thinks there's something wrong here!

[Mr. Lucky]

So while your husband may seem fairly happy...think again. If you think he complete forgot you having sex with someone else...think again. It will haunt him for the rest of his life.

I don't think your generalization is true for everyone. Some spouses do meet the challenge of forgiving and moving on in the relationship, assuming the WS is willing to do the necessary work and pennance. I've seen it happen in my own family. I do agree that it takes a specific skill set to survive as a BS in an ongoing marriage...

 

Mr. Lucky

[confusedinkansas]

All of you have very interesting points. And as Snowflower has said - It's easy for someone on the outside to say..."Get the heck outta Dodge"...they aren't the ones that live in your shoes on a daily basis.

 

Untouchable: You said <<only a total loser can accept that in a marriage>>

Why does it have to be black & white?

Maybe his love for me got him thru the situation. Could it be that he loved enough for both of us?

(obviously the entire story hasn't been told here....but just for discussion sake...)

 

If a man or a woman knows about an infidelity & turns their head & looks the other way & decides to stay married to that person.....Is that person a loser too?

[Dexter Morgan]

I don't think your generalization is true for everyone. Some spouses do meet the challenge of forgiving and moving on in the relationship, assuming the WS is willing to do the necessary work and pennance.

 

I didn't say some spouses don't forgive and move on. But don't kid yourself if you think that a spouse that forgave and decided to move on, doesn't think about what their betrayer did from time to time. And don't think it doesn't get them a little steamed inside. They will just bottle it up, stick their chest out and do their best to think about something else.

 

Forgiving doesn't mean forgetting.

[Reggie]

I think "loser" is the wrong term, and denigrates someone who has already suffered enough. I think folks views on this fall along a broad continuum. For some folks, this is not that big a deal. For others it is a fatal blow to the relationship. I'm not sure what it is that causes the variances.

[Dexter Morgan]

All of you have very interesting points. And as Snowflower has said - It's easy for someone on the outside to say..."Get the heck outta Dodge"...they aren't the ones that live in your shoes on a daily basis.

 

It is easy for me to say it. I was in your husband's shoes, and I got out of Dodge. There was a better life for me out there with someone worthy of my affections.

 

 

Untouchable: You said <<only a total loser can accept that in a marriage>>

Why does it have to be black & white?

 

While I agree somewhat with the motivation behind what he said, I don't believe that anyone that stays with a cheater is a loser. My heart goes out to them and I wish them the best, as they deserve it.

 

Maybe his love for me got him thru the situation. Could it be that he loved enough for both of us?

 

He would have had to since you didn't love him enough to keep from helping yourself to another man.

 

 

(obviously the entire story hasn't been told here....but just for discussion sake...)

 

Unless he is a cheater himself, the entire story doesn't mean a thing. Nothing excuses what you did.

 

 

If a man or a woman knows about an infidelity & turns their head & looks the other way & decides to stay married to that person.....Is that person a loser too?

 

No, they are just fools. Thats not a stab or an insult. I was a fool, although i didn't know about any affair, but I was a fool for thinking I could ever look at her face ever again without getting disgusted once in a while. Thats a life I didn't want to live.

 

But fools can snap out of it. But if someone knows their spouse is f#####g someone else and chooses to live with it, then they have my sympathy as they are shortchanging their lives.

[2sure]

I didn't say some spouses don't forgive and move on. But don't kid yourself if you think that a spouse that forgave and decided to move on, doesn't think about what their betrayer did from time to time. And don't think it doesn't get them a little steamed inside. They will just bottle it up, stick their chest out and do their best to think about something else.

 

Forgiving doesn't mean forgetting.

 

Its true. I have forgiven my H his infidelity. I think I am about as past it as Im going to get. We are happily married, and I'm happy. Any issues left are for me to work out within me. But yes, sometimes it just comes up, and then I'm POd again.

 

Its isnt going to go away. I'm OK with that, lots of things dont go away - its called experience, good & bad.

 

But for people who are asking how long? When will it stop/go away?

Never.

[Owl]

I would agree...you don't forget.

 

But, you also find that the anger and hurt fades out big time as you live longer and longer in that recovered marriage.

 

Its coming up on five years post d-day for me. Thoughts of what we went through only come up if there's a reason for them to do so. That "tightening of the chest" that Dex describes is miniscule...because its so easy for me to see how good things have been since then...and how good things were even before then.

 

My marriage is recovered. I'm happy with it, my wife is happy with it. I do not believe I would have ended up happier had we decided to divorce instead of reconcile...on the contrary, I doubt either of us would be anywhere near as content/satisfied/happy with our lives. I think we both would have ended up very UNHAPPY.

 

So think about that when you consider your options. I agree...you don't forget, no more than you forget any other bad thing that you live through. But if you've forgiven, and if you really do work to recover your marriage...those occasional memories mean very darned little when compared to the present.

[Dexter Morgan]

Its coming up on five years post d-day for me. Thoughts of what we went through only come up if there's a reason for them to do so.

 

What would those reasons be?

 

 

So think about that when you consider your options. I agree...you don't forget, no more than you forget any other bad thing that you live through. But if you've forgiven, and if you really do work to recover your marriage...those occasional memories mean very darned little when compared to the present.

 

Yes, but they do mean something. I wasn't willing to let those memories get to me, even the slightest bit, by staying with my X. Difference between the memories now and if I would have stayed with her is...now she is insignificant to me. It doesn't hurt. If I would have stayed with her, the occasional memories would have hurt, even as miniscule as it might have been. Not a life I wanted.

[Owl]

What would those reasons be?

 

It'll come up when we talk about marriage/relationship stuff with our kids. They all know the full truth of what went on. They're all in their early 20s now, and so this comes up when we talk about what needs to happen to protect a marriage, etc...

 

It's a great example of both "what not to do" and "how to fix when the stupid stuff happens".

 

Yes, but they do mean something. I wasn't willing to let those memories get to me, even the slightest bit, by staying with my X. Difference between the memories now and if I would have stayed with her is...now she is insignificant to me. It doesn't hurt. If I would have stayed with her, the occasional memories would have hurt, even as miniscule as it might have been. Not a life I wanted.

 

And that's the difference between us. They really DON'T mean anything to me. Those 'twinges' are nothing to how I think we both would have felt had we divorced.

 

I wouldn't have wanted your life...you wouldn't have wanted mine.

 

You believe that you would have hurt more had you stayed. I believe that I would have hurt more had I left.

 

We make a good counterbalance to each other...