soserious1 Posted April 28, 2009 Posted April 28, 2009 & serious..please do not assume what is not true. I do know how much pain an affair can be to all involved. I do not take what I did lightly. I was merely having a pondering moment last night & considering there are so many on this thread that can't forgive, I was just curious what should be done with us. If we are such horrible human's ...What shall be done with us? Plain & simple ...... that was the extent of the question. Soserious1: I am not egging anyone on, nor am I getting "entertainment" from anyone's pain, or putting words in your mouth. I think you care more than you're letting on here. It's apparent that the pain hasn't healed. I'm sorry for that. This was not directed at any one particular person that posts to this thread. I had no idea it would be taken quite this seriously. Sorry Snowwy: thanks What I'm telling you in all earnestness here is sitting here asking repeatedly if people who've been cheated on have sat around and wondered what dramatic,horrible things to "do with cheaters" and laughing about it IMHO bespeaks a level of narcissism that isn't healthy, it doesn't suggest to me any indication that you've done serious soul searching or feel any true remorse. Again, I'm going to repeat the words that cause total horror in the minds of narcissists, once a lying, scheming, cheating spouse has been removed from our hearts,our lives and our homes, we spend our energy healing ourselves.The cheater and his/her fate no longer concerns or interests us. It's sort of like having cancer, you don't sit about after surgery wondering which medical waste dump the tumor got sent to,you just rejoice that it's gone and that you can heal and get better.
pkn06002 Posted April 28, 2009 Posted April 28, 2009 I do think you guys that are cheaters should form a colony or community where you could breed with each other and stay the F away from people that do not believe in cheating. What would be wrong with that? You'd be among folks with similar values and could orchestrate you lives, accordingly. And, innocent victims would not be hurt. No one is saying you guys are serial killers. You are just wired differently than non-cheaters and I would think you would be happy to be among folks with similar values. It might be fun for you. Well actually since the non-cheaters seem to be the minority (in general) it would be easier to move all of you to an island.
Author confusedinkansas Posted April 28, 2009 Author Posted April 28, 2009 Thank You. I guess that answers that question ~ Forgive me for being so insensitive.
Author confusedinkansas Posted April 28, 2009 Author Posted April 28, 2009 Perhaps at the time of the infidelity, we are wired differently than YOU....But people change. They can realize where they "dropped the ball" so to speak, pick up the pieces & move on. I guess the question also came from so many on here with a bit of a holier-than-thou attitude. I suppose you have a right, you were the one that was cheated ON. But is it not possible to give us the benefit of the doubt & believe that we can change. We can become better people. We can realize that our "mistake" can be fixed if our spouse is willing to let us back into their hearts. Can we all just get along & be here for each other.
soserious1 Posted April 28, 2009 Posted April 28, 2009 Perhaps at the time of the infidelity, we are wired differently than YOU....But people change. They can realize where they "dropped the ball" so to speak, pick up the pieces & move on. I guess the question also came from so many on here with a bit of a holier-than-thou attitude. I suppose you have a right, you were the one that was cheated ON. But is it not possible to give us the benefit of the doubt & believe that we can change. We can become better people. We can realize that our "mistake" can be fixed if our spouse is willing to let us back into their hearts. Can we all just get along & be here for each other. Actually, no we can't, that's why a great many of us divorced our cheating spouses. See, while the cheater is out there having their fun, life is alll about them, all about their needs... well come discovery day that changes for many of us, we decide that letting you "back into our hearts" isn't an option.. because you've shown us what you are and you aren't worth the pain or effort.We then focus our energy onto healing and moving on. Btw,Why don't you go sit your husband down and describe to him in intimate detail your sex session with the man you cheated on him with , tell him about every thrust and moan and then ask your husband what he'd like to see happen to cheaters as a group?
Author confusedinkansas Posted April 28, 2009 Author Posted April 28, 2009 soserious1~ I'm sorry you are in such tremendous pain. I do hope someday that you can learn to let it go & not be so bitter. I'm sorry you hurt. I don't need to "sit my husband down" as you have suggested. He knows what happened....the ins & outs of it all. I suppose now you'll condem him for taking me back.....knowing what he knows. Everyone is not programmed alike - thank goodness. Those of you who chose to divorce, did so, knowing what you know. Based on YOUR knowledge. Same as he did. He made his decision based on ALL the information. Not in part. But ALL. He chose to give US another shot. He does not sit every waking hour going over the accounts of the affair. He's just not like that.
soserious1 Posted April 28, 2009 Posted April 28, 2009 soserious1~ I'm sorry you are in such tremendous pain. I do hope someday that you can learn to let it go & not be so bitter. I'm sorry you hurt. I don't need to "sit my husband down" as you have suggested. He knows what happened....the ins & outs of it all. I suppose now you'll condem him for taking me back.....knowing what he knows. Everyone is not programmed alike - thank goodness. Those of you who chose to divorce, did so, knowing what you know. Based on YOUR knowledge. Same as he did. He made his decision based on ALL the information. Not in part. But ALL. He chose to give US another shot. He does not sit every waking hour going over the accounts of the affair. He's just not like that. I don't need you sitting there like some therapist advising me to "let it go"and commenting on my bitterness. LOL,The grandiosty of narcissism knows no bounds. And I would never condemn your husband, what I will do is feel empathy for him and pray that he grows to love himself enough to understand that he can do better than you... a LOT better.
soserious1 Posted April 28, 2009 Posted April 28, 2009 What part of what I'm typing don't you understand ? You coming here and posting as if you were some sort of therapist, telling betrayed spouses who decided not to give a cheating spouse another chance to destroy us that we're bitter and need to get over it is painful and inappropriate. This board is for the support of those who've been wounded by infidelity,cheaters don't get to come and sit here and deride us for being "judgemental and bitter"
pkn06002 Posted April 28, 2009 Posted April 28, 2009 What part of what I'm typing don't you understand ? You coming here and posting as if you were some sort of therapist, telling betrayed spouses who decided not to give a cheating spouse another chance to destroy us that we're bitter and need to get over it is painful and inappropriate. Why are you responding if it makes you mad? This WS is not YOUR WS, so your anger is miss directed.
soserious1 Posted April 28, 2009 Posted April 28, 2009 Why are you responding if it makes you mad? This WS is not YOUR WS, so your anger is miss directed. This forum is dedicated for the support of those who've been wounded by infidelity. We need a cheating spouse sitting here posturing as if they were a therapist why exactly ?
pparrott Posted April 28, 2009 Posted April 28, 2009 Excellent question pkn. Doesn't look to me like any fingers have been pointed directly at you. You do seem to be misguiding your anger. As for the questions that were posted ~ Confused - I believe with about half of the forum here. (maybe less than half) I think they all don't end in divorce.
pkn06002 Posted April 28, 2009 Posted April 28, 2009 This forum is dedicated for the support of those who've been wounded by infidelity. We need a cheating spouse sitting here posturing as if they were a therapist why exactly ? Oh no it is not!!! This forum is for anyone WS/BS that have been involved with infidelity. "This particular forum is focused on discussing the problems and experiences of those who are in relationships with cheating partners, or who are themselves cheating on their partners." -- from the sticky at the top of the forum WS are free to give input here. If you want a forum where BS's run WS's off then you are at the wrong place.
soserious1 Posted April 28, 2009 Posted April 28, 2009 Oh no it is not!!! This forum is for anyone WS/BS that have been involved with infidelity. "This particular forum is focused on discussing the problems and experiences of those who are in relationships with cheating partners, or who are themselves cheating on their partners." -- from the sticky at the top of the forum WS are free to give input here. If you want a forum where BS's run WS's off then you are at the wrong place. then please accept my apologies . where would I find such a forum where cheaters aren't welcome? btw, IMHO being free to air one's opinion doesn't not carry with it the obligation for others to agree does it?
pkn06002 Posted April 28, 2009 Posted April 28, 2009 then please accept my apologies . where would I find such a forum where cheaters aren't welcome? marriage builders WS are very much not welcome there, which actually kind of destroys the message that site tries to push. If you want to get both sides of the coin though this is a much better place. You are free to vent, but don't make it personal when you are mad.
Snowflower Posted April 28, 2009 Posted April 28, 2009 soserious, I'm on the same side of the fence as you, a BS. I don't think kansas was trying to be insulting with her posts and her emoticons. I think she was trying to keep a heavy topic a little lighter with the use of the smileys. There are threads that I have started to read as a BS that are sometimes too upsetting for me because of what is being posted. I usually just stay away from them. Don't let what anyone is posting here bother you too much. It's not worth it and who knows if what anyone is posting is actually the truth anyways? We're all anonymous and for all any of us know a self-proclaimed BS could actually be a serial WS. I think most people just try to help here. Kansas was posting her experience about her marriage and affair and the fact that she thought her marriage was successfully recovered. My husband and I are working to recover our marriage so I found this thread of interest to me...
soserious1 Posted April 28, 2009 Posted April 28, 2009 marriage builders WS are very much not welcome there, which actually kind of destroys the message that site tries to push. If you want to get both sides of the coin though this is a much better place. You are free to vent, but don't make it personal when you are mad. I'll have to try marriage builders then because I'm really not interested in being spoken down to and patronized by people who cheat,lord knows I had enough of that during my marriage to last me a lifetime.
Author confusedinkansas Posted April 28, 2009 Author Posted April 28, 2009 I'm sorry - I'm honestly not digging at you. What snow said is true. The smileys are an attempt to keep it light....... You think that by my mentioning your pain is a dig. Everyone reading this thread can see how painful it is for you to post here. I'm sorry that you look at this entire thread as a personal attack on you. It is not. (as I said before) This forum is dedicated for the support of those who've been wounded by infidelity. We need a cheating spouse sitting here posturing as if they were a therapist why exactly ? (this statement you made is not true - there are several threads here coming from BOTH sides of the fence)
soserious1 Posted April 28, 2009 Posted April 28, 2009 I'm sorry - I'm honestly not digging at you. What snow said is true. The smileys are an attempt to keep it light....... You think that by my mentioning your pain is a dig. Everyone reading this thread can see how painful it is for you to post here. I'm sorry that you look at this entire thread as a personal attack on you. It is not. (as I said before) This forum is dedicated for the support of those who've been wounded by infidelity. We need a cheating spouse sitting here posturing as if they were a therapist why exactly ? (this statement you made is not true - there are several threads here coming from BOTH sides of the fence) And I have apologized then,you have every right to speak here. I was wrong and I am sorry. Now to find a place where we worthless, sexually and emotionally faithful, self-sacrificing spouses are welcomed.
pkn06002 Posted April 28, 2009 Posted April 28, 2009 I'll have to try marriage builders then because I'm really not interested in being spoken down to and patronized by people who cheat,lord knows I had enough of that during my marriage to last me a lifetime. If you want to preach to the choir then that is the place. Can I ask what are you trying to get out of posting?
soserious1 Posted April 28, 2009 Posted April 28, 2009 If you want to preach to the choir then that is the place. Can I ask what are you trying to get out of posting? I'm looking for a place where we useless,worthless, sexually and emotionally faithful spouses might be welcomed, a place where we're not told to "get over it" or made to feel like fools for remaining loyal and honoring our vows.
pkn06002 Posted April 28, 2009 Posted April 28, 2009 I'm looking for a place where we useless,worthless, sexually and emotionally faithful spouses might be welcomed, a place where we're not told to "get over it" or made to feel like fools for remaining loyal and honoring our vows. You are taking things personal on an internet forum. How does lashing out to an anonymous person help you? If you do want cheering support for sticking to your vows and more WS bashing than you can shake a stick at then marriage builders is your place. But is preaching to the choir going to help you move past all of this? Do you want to become like some of the folks over there where the 'B' in BS really stands for bitter?
soserious1 Posted April 28, 2009 Posted April 28, 2009 You are taking things personal on an internet forum. How does lashing out to an anonymous person help you? If you do want cheering support for sticking to your vows and more WS bashing than you can shake a stick at then marriage builders is your place. But is preaching to the choir going to help you move past all of this? Do you want to become like some of the folks over there where the 'B' in BS really stands for bitter? I don't know I suppose my "lashing out"is every bit as valid and useful as a WS coming here and telling us we're "bitter, judgmental "and that if we had any sense we'd give our cheaters another chance I actually don't know how to "get over" this. I sit here now dutifully writing my alimony check and all I understand is that I was a total fool to believe that love and vows of fidelity and loyalty meant anything at all.
pkn06002 Posted April 28, 2009 Posted April 28, 2009 I don't know I suppose my "lashing out"is every bit as valid and useful as a WS coming here and telling us we're "bitter, judgmental "and that if we had any sense we'd give our cheaters another chance I actually don't know how to "get over" this. I sit here now dutifully writing my alimony check and all I understand is that I was a total fool to believe that love and vows of fidelity and loyalty meant anything at all. Venting it GOOD Lashing out at random people, that serves no purpose. I have been the random WS that has been lashed out at. I will give as good as I get, in the end it helps no one. The BS's here can help you get through all of this and not make you one of the 'B' is for bitter BS's.
soserious1 Posted April 28, 2009 Posted April 28, 2009 Venting it GOOD Lashing out at random people, that serves no purpose. I have been the WS that has been lashed out at. I will give as good as I get, in the end it helps no one. The BS's here can help you get through all of this and not make you one of the 'B' is for bitter BS's. I'm not "bitter" what I am is leveled, blasted, totally ruined emotionally and fiscally. my 55 yr old ex husband is living with the 33 yr old hottie he cheated on me with, I'm court ordered to pay him $2,750 in alimony per month. I guess it's fitting that my life gets leveled and then I get to sit here while cheating spouses advise me on how to become a better, more forgiving person.
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