emotionbankrupt Posted April 27, 2009 Posted April 27, 2009 my two cents.. for what it is worth. I have put my story up before, its been 6 months since dday. Stampdaddy's ? as it pertains to me, I have major difficulty in going to certain restaurants, places etc. I am always thinking did he bring her here? My town is not tiny nor is it a major city. Its still pretty much a "small town". I run into people all the time. I do not want to run in to the OW and her husband. Scary to think about. It is incredible to me how quick the others are able to "get over it". I WISH I could. But it is true, we do not discuss it as often anymore...
stampdaddy Posted April 28, 2009 Posted April 28, 2009 my two cents.. for what it is worth. I have put my story up before, its been 6 months since dday. Stampdaddy's ? as it pertains to me, I have major difficulty in going to certain restaurants, places etc. I am always thinking did he bring her here? My town is not tiny nor is it a major city. Its still pretty much a "small town". I run into people all the time. I do not want to run in to the OW and her husband. Scary to think about. It is incredible to me how quick the others are able to "get over it". I WISH I could. But it is true, we do not discuss it as often anymore... This is EXACTLY what I am talking about.. I mean, how much longer can you "just accept" this... Your H knows ALL of the "facts", while you just sit there, eat your salad and keep your mouth/mind/heart shut.. pass the bread
fooled once Posted April 28, 2009 Posted April 28, 2009 IMHO - there is no general rule with affairs and divorce It is a personal decision for each BS.
stampdaddy Posted April 28, 2009 Posted April 28, 2009 IMHO - there is no general rule with affairs and divorce It is a personal decision for each BS. I agree, cause EVERY situation IS different, by thousands of degrees...
Snowflower Posted April 28, 2009 Posted April 28, 2009 Okay Stamp, I get what you're asking now. And you're right, if it had been more of an EA on my husband's part it would have been almost impossible to get past and I still would have been an emotional mess at 5 months from D-day. The things you mentioned: dinners at a certain restaurant, birthday presents, trips away didn't really happen in my case. There were only two "places" that I know where they went that did bother me a little bit when I went there so I get what you are saying. I made it a point to go there myself after I had healed a little bit after D-day just to get it over with so to speak. The OW in my situation lives several hours away in a town that I would never really have a reason to go to so I don't have that constant reminder so to speak.
Snowflower Posted April 28, 2009 Posted April 28, 2009 This is EXACTLY what I am talking about.. I mean, how much longer can you "just accept" this... Your H knows ALL of the "facts", while you just sit there, eat your salad and keep your mouth/mind/heart shut.. pass the bread I think knowing enough facts to your own satisfaction in your own particular affair situation is crucial to being able to move forward. I also think this differs for everyone. Some BS need to know every last detail-even the gory ones before they can move on. Others will think just the fact that it happened is knowledge enough. I know I questioned my H over and over again for months after D-day before I was pretty much satisfied with the answers he gave. I think the last real question and answer session happened about a month ago. I know everything there is to know now and that has been helpful in moving forward.
Author confusedinkansas Posted April 28, 2009 Author Posted April 28, 2009 Was thinking about this last night & I have a question for all of the posters here that are voicing the opinion that having an affair is the worst crime in the country & those that under NO circumstances would EVER forgive. ........What shall become of us CHEATERS? Shall we be banished to another kingdom? Shall we NEVER have love? Do we deserve to be cast aside like the Puritans with scarlet A's on our dresses? Shall we be hanged in the city square for all to see? Just curious what your opinions are of that. Not because I'm on the other side of the fence, but Snowwy, I commend you on at least giving your marriage & your husband a chance. A chance to prove his love. A chance at a happy life without having to start all over again.
Owl Posted April 28, 2009 Posted April 28, 2009 Well...to me it depends greatly upon the situation. A "one time" affair, in which the WS learned from it, and took active measures to protect against it ever happening again is one thing. For me, that is sometimes forgiveable, dependent on other circumstances in the marriage. Bear in mind that I'm IN a well recovered marriage right now. A serial cheater is a different animal. From my perspective, if someone were to do this, they SHOULD have a "scarlet letter" in their records or something, preventing them from ever marrying again, protecting the people around them from being vicitimized by their inherent selfishness. If someone is a serial cheater, they simply shouldn't get into a committed relationship with someone when they know that they're not capable of being committed.
Snowflower Posted April 28, 2009 Posted April 28, 2009 Not because I'm on the other side of the fence, but Snowwy, I commend you on at least giving your marriage & your husband a chance. A chance to prove his love. A chance at a happy life without having to start all over again. I agree that it is often very difficult to give a second chance so I can understand at least somewhat the viewpoint of many posters on this forum who say there is simply no way a marriage can recover. I had told my H years ago that I would never be able to forgive unfaithfulness. My husband has put in a tremendous effort-110% to recovering our marriage and proving his love for me. Honestly, I have never seen him work so hard at something in the entire time that I have known him (19 years). I think the fact that my H is trying so hard-working his a** off so to speak, AND when I take into consideration the actual nature of his affair it makes it easier (not easy, but easier) to give him a second chance. I believe my H truly learned his lesson. Last night we were talking about things (somewhat because of this thread-it got me thinking) and I reiterated the fact that this whole ordeal was the worst thing I had ever gone through in my entire life. My husband said it was also the absolute worst thing he had ever done/had to go through as well. And months ago, when I truly believed that my H learned his lesson, it gave me the strength to give him another chance. Sure, I could just dump his a** and find someone else because my H proved he was capable of doing such a terrible thing. And yes, he could do it again. I know this. But, there are no guarantees in life as we all know and it is my hope and my belief that the fact that my H learned his lesson the hard way gives me more assurance that he won't do this again. OTOH, if I were to divorce my H and meet someone else, someone who had not cheated on me or anyone else, who is to say that this new guy wouldn't make the same bad decision to cheat since he had not learned such a serious life lesson? This is one of the many reasons I gave my H another chance.
emotionbankrupt Posted April 28, 2009 Posted April 28, 2009 I do not think cheaters should be "banished" (tarred and feathered maybe ok j/k) But like another poster said serial cheaters should come with some sort of warning label, disclaimer or SOMETHING. I personally have a deep HATRED for the OP (?) Just because she had met me, my kids and still thought it was OK to use my H instead of her own. I know I know it takes two, and she has NO commitment to me or my children, but hell. It may have been better if she was not married and had small children she would ditch to hang with my H. But whom am I to judge. Sorry a bit off topic, kinda. But no, we are all human beings and all make mistakes... so "kicking ALL cheaters off the island" is not necessary. I am beginning to think if we did so there would not be many people left. Snowy you make a good point, something I had not really thought of. If I was to kick my H to the curb and try and start a fresh life, how would I know the new person would not do the same thing? I guess time will tell, if my H cheats again, then I believe Owl is right about the "serial cheater" thing. I would not want ANYTHING like this to happen again. If he doesn't maybe like snowy said he had that life experience and does not want to repeat it again, which would give the marriage/relationship a chance to heal. I do want to move though
Author confusedinkansas Posted April 28, 2009 Author Posted April 28, 2009 But no, we are all human beings and all make mistakes... so "kicking ALL cheaters off the island" is not necessary. I am beginning to think if we did so there would not be many people left. Be careful Emotion with that word MISTAKE....The "others" here don't like that word:lmao:...I've been chastised for using it .....Watch Out...JK:lmao: I'm assuming you are one that is putting your marriage back together. Snowwy.....You make an EXCELLENT point. Since we cheaters aren't made to wear Scarlet A's.....then how would you know the next one wasn't like the last & so on & so on.....I'm sure it would be hard to trust again if you were thrown into the dating world.
soserious1 Posted April 28, 2009 Posted April 28, 2009 Was thinking about this last night & I have a question for all of the posters here that are voicing the opinion that having an affair is the worst crime in the country & those that under NO circumstances would EVER forgive. ........What shall become of us CHEATERS? Shall we be banished to another kingdom? Shall we NEVER have love? Do we deserve to be cast aside like the Puritans with scarlet A's on our dresses? Shall we be hanged in the city square for all to see? Just curious what your opinions are of that. Not because I'm on the other side of the fence, but Snowwy, I commend you on at least giving your marriage & your husband a chance. A chance to prove his love. A chance at a happy life without having to start all over again. Wrap your self absorbed mind around this concept. For many of us, what fate awaited our cheating spouses isn't something we worried or cared about. All that concerned a lot of us was getting the cheater out of our beds,our hearts , our bank accounts and our homes. Once you set the trash out on the curb, you don't need to think or care about it anymore.
Athena Posted April 28, 2009 Posted April 28, 2009 If someone is a serial cheater, they simply shouldn't get into a committed relationship with someone when they know that they're not capable of being committed. I agree, a serial cheater should not get into a committed relationship with someone, even worse, a Someone who desires a faithful committed relationship. Funny how a serial cheater cannot take his/her own medicine, and takes care not to hook up with another serial cheater, choosing rather, a person of integrity and morals....
Author confusedinkansas Posted April 28, 2009 Author Posted April 28, 2009 Wrap your self absorbed mind around this concept. Back up the judgement wagon..........It was just a question. Just a pondering moment so I thought I'd toss it out there.
soserious1 Posted April 28, 2009 Posted April 28, 2009 Wrap your self absorbed mind around this concept. Back up the judgement wagon..........It was just a question. Just a pondering moment so I thought I'd toss it out there. You're darn right, knowing when a person is little better than sewage and having the good judgment to flush them straight into the cesspool is a good thing.
Author confusedinkansas Posted April 28, 2009 Author Posted April 28, 2009 Soserious....I don't know if you are trying to be serious - or funny. Kind-a cracking me up though. So the answer to my question....What should be done to us cheaters.... We should be flushed down the toilet? Never to be seen or heard from again? Is that what you are saying?
soserious1 Posted April 28, 2009 Posted April 28, 2009 Soserious....I don't know if you are trying to be serious - or funny. Kind-a cracking me up though. So the answer to my question....What should be done to us cheaters.... We should be flushed down the toilet? Never to be seen or heard from again? Is that what you are saying? What I'm telling you is that your very question is a perfect example of the root problem of cheaters... self absorption, the believe that all thought should revolve around you even on a forum dedicated to those wounded by infidelity. As to what should happen to cheaters, I'll quote the Famous Rhett Butler here "Frankly Scarlett, I don't give a damn"
Reggie Posted April 28, 2009 Posted April 28, 2009 I do think you guys that are cheaters should form a colony or community where you could breed with each other and stay the F away from people that do not believe in cheating. What would be wrong with that? You'd be among folks with similar values and could orchestrate you lives, accordingly. And, innocent victims would not be hurt. No one is saying you guys are serial killers. You are just wired differently than non-cheaters and I would think you would be happy to be among folks with similar values. It might be fun for you.
Author confusedinkansas Posted April 28, 2009 Author Posted April 28, 2009 The actual question wasn't necessarialy meant to be taken quite so seriously. If you don't really care what happens to them....Why continue with a judgemental "attitude" The question wasn't posed to people who don't give a rats Arss about what happens. I was just curious. Apparently my assumption is right - Those that are unforgiving think we should be placed on another planet...go away completely...line us up in front of the firing squad....holy cow!!:lmao:
Snowflower Posted April 28, 2009 Posted April 28, 2009 What I'm telling you is that your very question is a perfect example of the root problem of cheaters... self absorption, the believe that all thought should revolve around you even on a forum dedicated to those wounded by infidelity. Speaking for myself here (as a BS), I like the fact that WS or former WS post here. Please don't blast confusedinkansas or anyone else who is on the other side of the infidelity fence. Without the WS side of the story, then all we are here is a bunch of upset, bitter BS. How interesting or truly helpful is that?! Sure, any BS should be able to come here to commiserate, to get advice, to vent. But without a few WS here on the forum how else are any of us going to get any perspective. We don't have to agree with the WS perspective, but their input is helpful...at least I know it has been to me.
soserious1 Posted April 28, 2009 Posted April 28, 2009 The actual question wasn't necessarialy meant to be taken quite so seriously. If you don't really care what happens to them....Why continue with a judgemental "attitude" The question wasn't posed to people who don't give a rats Arss about what happens. I was just curious. Apparently my assumption is right - Those that are unforgiving think we should be placed on another planet...go away completely...line us up in front of the firing squad....holy cow!!:lmao: Please do not put words in my mouth.. I was cheated on and while given time I can probably "forgive" my Ex, I would never be able to "Forget" what happened and his treatment of me. That not being able to "Forget" would merely have left me living in hell had I stayed married. The man showed me very clearly what he is and I decided to believe him, where he goes,what he does,the outcome of his decision making is really no longer something that concerns or interests me. Once the cheating spouse is gone, most of us try not to waste another minute thinking about them but rather move forward and focus on trying to heal ourselves. Also, I'm telling your smiling emoticons and laughter about all this send up huge red flags for me, you seem quite amused by the pain you read here and in egging people on, not the words of a truly remorseful unfaithful wife IMHO.
Tony T Posted April 28, 2009 Posted April 28, 2009 I do think you guys that are cheaters should form a colony or community where you could breed with each other and stay the F away from people that do not believe in cheating. What would be wrong with that? You'd be among folks with similar values and could orchestrate you lives, accordingly. And, innocent victims would not be hurt. No one is saying you guys are serial killers. You are just wired differently than non-cheaters and I would think you would be happy to be among folks with similar values. It might be fun for you. It takes two people to cheat. I don't think people are necessarily cheaters...they are simply people exposed to opportunity. There are men who would never cheat if the chance weren't thrown in their face. Likewise, there are many children who would not shoplift if the candy was not right there in front of them with nobody watching. Men are no more cheaters than they are bankrobbers, murderers, or whatever. Those are just behaviors that they either see as a necessity or an opportunity. None of them really care about the consequences or the impact on others if doing such satisfied some immediate need.
soserious1 Posted April 28, 2009 Posted April 28, 2009 Speaking for myself here (as a BS), I like the fact that WS or former WS post here. Please don't blast confusedinkansas or anyone else who is on the other side of the infidelity fence. Without the WS side of the story, then all we are here is a bunch of upset, bitter BS. How interesting or truly helpful is that?! Sure, any BS should be able to come here to commiserate, to get advice, to vent. But without a few WS here on the forum how else are any of us going to get any perspective. We don't have to agree with the WS perspective, but their input is helpful...at least I know it has been to me. This WS asking questions appears to me to be getting quite a bit of entertainment out of the collective pain here. All the LMAO emoticons all the references to firing squads etc... My message to self-absorbed cheaters is this.. for a great number of spouses once we've hauled you and your stuff to the curb, our focus turns towards healing ourselves.. not in wasting another minute of our time thinking about what should happen to the cancer we just cut out of our hearts,lives and homes. I find confusedinkansas flippant questions and commentary to be insulting to the max.. Once a cheating spouse is gone.. our world doesn't revolve around them anymore,it's like they disappear, sucked into a big black hole. Our time,energy, money are then devoted to thinking and taking care of us, putting ourselves first.
Author confusedinkansas Posted April 28, 2009 Author Posted April 28, 2009 & serious..please do not assume what is not true. I do know how much pain an affair can be to all involved. I do not take what I did lightly. I was merely having a pondering moment last night & considering there are so many on this thread that can't forgive, I was just curious what should be done with us. If we are such horrible human's ...What shall be done with us? Plain & simple ...... that was the extent of the question. Soserious1: I am not egging anyone on, nor am I getting "entertainment" from anyone's pain, or putting words in your mouth. I think you care more than you're letting on here. It's apparent that the pain hasn't healed. I'm sorry for that. This was not directed at any one particular person that posts to this thread. I had no idea it would be taken quite this seriously. Sorry Snowwy: thanks
Snowflower Posted April 28, 2009 Posted April 28, 2009 Snowy you make a good point, something I had not really thought of. If I was to kick my H to the curb and try and start a fresh life, how would I know the new person would not do the same thing? I guess time will tell, if my H cheats again, then I believe Owl is right about the "serial cheater" thing. I would not want ANYTHING like this to happen again. If he doesn't maybe like snowy said he had that life experience and does not want to repeat it again, which would give the marriage/relationship a chance to heal. I do want to move though Emotion, I hope your H is doing everything he can to recover your marriage with you because it takes a lot of work from both spouses to recover a marriage. You're right, only time will tell if you (or I) made the right decisions in giving our husbands a second chance. The hardest thing about this is that there are no guarantees. In my case, I made the decision to try again because despite everything, I know my husband very well. Too start over with someone new with no guarantee that they won't cheat seemed like a bigger gamble. And besides, I still loved my husband and saw value in my marriage.
Recommended Posts