marriage in crisis husband has retreated

[taylor]

Molly,Have you done any actions to protect yourself if the worst happens? Not saying it will but it might be something you would want to look into. Because if your husband is taking NO ACTIONS to try and "fix" things. Even though I am not as successful as Taylor (and others) I did become a fanatic about trying to "fix" things after I told my wife.

 

I think you bring up a good point, PKN. Molley does need to consider the possibility of her marriage ending..what she might need to do to protect herself legally, financially, etc.

 

This is NOT saying that the marriage will end. But any marriage hit with infidelity needs to face this possible reality.

 

You give my marriage recovery far too much credit, PKN. And I apologize if I come across as if my marriage has been successfully recovered. We are one year out from D-day but we have a long way to go. We are still working on a number of stubborn issues that frustrate the heck out of both me and my husband. And we are not gleefully happy. And we still have setbacks. And we still worry about whether we are going to make it. We are not out of the woods by any means.

 

On the plus side, though, is that I have put the affair behind me. I know what it was and what it wasn't. I understand the why's and why nots. I understand what I did and what I failed to do. I have made peace with my husband and with myself with regard to the affair. I can say I have successfully moved passed it and the OM.

 

You may be surprised to know that I did very little after D-day to try to fix my marriage..unlike you. I did not get a knee-jerk reaction to "fix" it, make it all better..make it all up to my husband overnight.

 

I was more like Molley's husband...I ended the affair, yes. But my heart still belonged to the OM for months...something I struggled with 24/7. This made marital recovery difficult, if not nearly impossible FOR MONTHS. My husband was the one who held us together in those months following D-Day. I was too busy going thru withdrawal to think about the marriage or fixing it.

 

I asked him many times how he was able to do it...give 100 percent while I gave 0%. He said, "Because I KNOW you and this wasn't YOU. And I had FAITH that YOU would come back to me. So I held on."

 

He is THE BEST man I will ever know.

[Snowflower]

 

Does sound like he has checked out and is just trying to figure out how to fully end it. I never made it to the point of sleeping in another room, if I had that would be a clear sign I wanted to just end it.

 

 

I have to respectfully disagree here...I don't think the fact that the H is sleeping in another room means that he has fully checked out and is planning to end it. Molley even said that her H offered to come back to their bedroom if that is what she wanted. If he was truly finished with things he wouldn't be making the offer to "come back upstairs."

 

FWIW...my H slept downstairs for weeks at our lowest point. Not because he wanted to but because he was so conflicted and guilty about what he had done. Molley's H and mine sound so similar in their confusion that I think sleeping apart is just a symptom on the confusion, the guilt, and the depression.

[pkn06002]

I have to respectfully disagree here...I don't think the fact that the H is sleeping in another room means that he has fully checked out and is planning to end it. Molley even said that her H offered to come back to their bedroom if that is what she wanted. If he was truly finished with things he wouldn't be making the offer to "come back upstairs."

 

FWIW...my H slept downstairs for weeks at our lowest point. Not because he wanted to but because he was so conflicted and guilty about what he had done. Molley's H and mine sound so similar in their confusion that I think sleeping apart is just a symptom on the confusion, the guilt, and the depression.

 

Maybe and I hope your right.

 

I can just say what I would be like if I made that decision.

 

But I don't get the impression he is all that guilty about the affair. But then again this is only one side of the story.

[Molley]

Hi Snowflower, I did try to contact you by PM, but it didn't seem to work, although I now have you as a contact... maybe you need to add me as a contact too?

 

I do appreciate your kind words and the fact you keep checking up on me... Actually I can't believe that I've gotten my own support group. Although often the messages are hard to read, they are slowly waking me up.

 

[sIZE=3][FONT=Calibri]Your last post resonated with me. At this point, as Taylor also mentioned, I just need to hold tight and not do anything, because right now there’s nothing that I can do. And although I do not have the energy to find a new job, I do know that I need to keep searching, it will take time to find anything in the awful economy. The other option we both discussed is me going back to school for another career, I’m thinking something in healthcare. I already have an MBA and thought I could always apply my MBA to whatever I was doing in the healthcare industry. I’ve talked to several friends and acquaintances about opportunities too. So, I’m preparing… I know that I need to get my own stuff in order. He did offer that if I wanted to go back to school, I could use his GI bill to do so. The money has now been opened up to spouses and dependent children to use. He said he would never use it and that if I used it, it would be used well.[/FONT][/sIZE]

[FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3] [/sIZE][/FONT]

[sIZE=3][FONT=Calibri]I too do not believe this whole issue is about the A, it’s bigger than that. He has told me it’s not about her, it’s more about him, the lost feelings he’s having, the depression and funk that he’s in. He’s actually said that he thinks he’s in a midlife crisis… which makes sense when you think about how unhappy and bored he is with his job, life, home… me. Also, when he was discussing the A with a friend of his, said the A was an accident… what? Yes, an accident. The only way I found out about that is because his friend told his wife and she told me… of course. He also told me last night that he’s actually feeling pretty good, not so foggy now. But, its all the other stuff that’s dragging him down at this point. So, even if he decides to leave and be on his own, not so sure he’ll go back to the A. he’s already said that he realizes it wouldn’t work out with her anyway, that there’s almost no chance of that relationship having a happy ended. I actually did a bit of research, only 10% of rleationships that started as affairs work out, and some say that's a high number. So my question is, if he knows all this, why leave everything you have for nothing? Why not try to fix what you already have and make it great again? That’s what’s so upsetting to my right now, that he’s willing to just piss it all away. But that’s the decision he’s got to make, I can’t make it for him. And he has done some things, like try to go to MC with me, now he's doing IC... reading books, etc, no contact. So it's not all lost.[/FONT][/sIZE]

[FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3][/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3]I just wished it wasn't so painful. I do believe that if I had kicked him out right when I found out about the affair, just packed his bags and made him go... it would have been easier on me.[/sIZE][/FONT]

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[sIZE=3][FONT=Calibri]Next Tues he leaves for a few days on business. I’m actually happy that he’s going to be gone for a few day, at least some of the tension will be gone from the house.[/FONT][/sIZE]

[taylor]

I have to respectfully disagree here...I don't think the fact that the H is sleeping in another room means that he has fully checked out and is planning to end it. Molley even said that her H offered to come back to their bedroom if that is what she wanted. If he was truly finished with things he wouldn't be making the offer to "come back upstairs."

 

FWIW...my H slept downstairs for weeks at our lowest point. Not because he wanted to but because he was so conflicted and guilty about what he had done. Molley's H and mine sound so similar in their confusion that I think sleeping apart is just a symptom on the confusion, the guilt, and the depression.

 

I agree. I don't think the H sleeping in the other room means he is planning to end it.

 

Guilt, confusion, depression, and emotional disconnection/overload...some good explanations why this is happening.

 

Molley said her husband didn't want to lead her on. I totally understand this. I did the same thing with my husband...slept in the same bed but didn't have sex because I didn't want to lead him on...felt guilty when we did.

 

Total explanation in post #114 on page 8 in case anyone cares to read it.

[Molley]

Maybe and I hope your right.

 

But I don't get the impression he is all that guilty about the affair. But then again this is only one side of the story.

 

He actually is feeling guilty about the affair. When I came back last Friday, he told me that he still can't believe that he had an affair and made such a huge mess of everything. That this isn't him. And he can't believe how he hurt me.

 

Some time last week he feels that I'm taking it too well and has said he's worried that I'm just glossing over it all. Guess that because he hasn't seen my crying huddlled on the floor in the morning, middle and afternoon of just about each day of the week.

 

Also, when I first found out and he confessed, he was broken up about it, crying... saying that he had never intended to do something like this to hurt me this way. And he was't that way just because he had been ratted out.

 

In my letter to him yesterday, I did let him know the pain that I'm working through, just to make sure he understands that I'm not glossing over his affair and he needs to know what devastation it's had on my life.

[Molley]

Taylor something you said in your post #114, which I just re-read. That you felt that you did not deserve your husbands love. Mine actually said something similar a few days ago, he can't understand why I would want to be with someone like him. That he doesn't like himself and that he's boring.

[Snowflower]

I too do not believe this whole issue is about the A, it’s bigger than that. He has told me it’s not about her, it’s more about him, the lost feelings he’s having, the depression and funk that he’s in. He’s actually said that he thinks he’s in a midlife crisis… which makes sense when you think about how unhappy and bored he is with his job, life, home… me. Also, when he was discussing the A with a friend of his, said the A was an accident… what? Yes, an accident.

 

 

Hi Molley, I added you as a contact yesterday in hopes that I could send you a PM but it didn't work. I'll try to figure it out again today.

 

Yes, there is probably more to what your H is going through than just the A. It certainly sounds like it to me...if your husband was truly interested in pursuing the OW, continuing the A, or starting a new life he would be taking steps to do that already. Since he seems to be mired in confusion there is more going on with him I think.

 

My husband and I have figured out that his A was more of a symptom of bigger issues. We were just talking about it this morning. In my H's case, it wasn't even about the OW. It was about other things with my H-things that counseling (IC and MC) helped him/us figure out.

 

 

It could be a type of mid-life crisis for your H. Perhaps the affair kind of triggered the crisis for him. This is just my take on it, but the fact that it is seems to be more about other issues in his life-he doesn't know what he

wants, what to do--actually gives me hope for you. I could be wrong but I think the A was just a symptom or a casualty of larger issues going on with him. So when he says it was an "accident" in some ways he is correct.

 

He might not have pursued the OW or the affair for the typical reasons but as a result of his own unhappiness or confusion. And now he is on emotional-overload, confused, scared, etc. Until he has the emotional meltdown at some point, there is little anyone can do. IC will likely get him started in the right direction but your husband will ultimately have to face what is going on with him.

 

I don't want to give you false hope because I could be completely wrong about things-I only have one side of the story. But, if I am right (by thinking about your situation in regards to what happened with my own) there might be hope for your marriage. It will be a long road though.

[taylor]

I do not believe this whole issue is about the A, it’s bigger than that. He has told me it’s not about her, it’s more about him, the lost feelings he’s having, the depression and funk that he’s in.

 

 

Now, you are both getting somewhere!

 

The fog is starting to lift!

 

It's these kind of realizations that are going to move you forward..through the pain...and out the other side of the infidelity.

 

In fact, I will say THIS particular realization, with all its clarity, is a giant leap forward for your husband with respect to addressing the issues that led to his infidelity.

 

Now he can get busy in IC addressing internal issues..those demons within himself...that are making him unhappy.

 

For the first time, after what you have written here, I see hope for you and your husband.

 

Like your husband, I, too, had to come to this same realization, Molley. People like your husband, and I, who have affairs, are weak and broken and vulnerable at the time. What leads us down the affair path is different for each individual, but in most cases, I believe, it's something internal...not the marriage itself.

 

It's easy to put the blame on your marital partner..your marriage..for your unhappiness. But in most cases, it's NOT the marriage. It's something inside of us..something insidious...painful..and not easily resolved. As waywards, we turn to affairs to ease pain..to escape...to find a hint of happiness, even if it's just a fantasy. And when the affair is over and we return to reality, we face the difficult task of addressing not only the destruction we brought to our family, but our own self-destruction. We realize we made a wrong turn in an effort to solve or escape from our "problem."

 

We realize we will never find happiness until we can successfully address the internal issues that led us down that path of destruction.

 

now he's doing IC... reading books, etc, no contact. So it's not all lost.

 

No, it's not all lost. In fact, it looks like her husband may have just taken the first step to "finding" himself. Encourage the IC.

 

And do take care of yourself Molley. It takes a very strong BS to handle the aftermath of an affair.

[Snowflower]

He actually is feeling guilty about the affair. When I came back last Friday, he told me that he still can't believe that he had an affair and made such a huge mess of everything. That this isn't him. And he can't believe how he hurt me.

 

 

This is good that he is admitting this. I think this is why you H might appear to be spiralling like this...he had to admit to you what he had done wrong and he can't understand why he did what he did, at least not yet. So, his depression and confusion continue to grow.

 

I can see why he appears to have no interest in contacting the OW--she is just another source of confusion for him. For awhile, during the A she seemed to make him feel better but now that he sees how wrong it all was he is less inclined to see/talk to her.

 

I don't think the OW is the issue right now and might not be ever again. If you believe that your H is maintaining NC with her then that is enough for now.

 

Stay strong Molley. I know no one can predict how this will turn out for you and your H. But if you can appear emotionally strong (even when you don't feel like it) your H might just come back around. He is such an emotional mess right now that eventually your strength might draw him back to you. After all, you have said that you have been his best friend for 18 years...your H definitely needs a friend right now.

 

And trust me, I know you feel like YOU are an emotional mess right now, weak, exhausted, etc. But YOU are in a much better place emotionally than your husband is at the moment. Take comfort in that.

[Snowflower]

taylor, post #159 was beautifully written. Thank you for writing that. I think you are absolutely right on with what you have written.

 

I can even apply what you have written to my own situation...although this is Molley's thread.

 

I agree that a turning point is coming for Molley's husband. He is starting to realize things.

[taylor]

Taylor something you said in your post #114, which I just re-read. That you felt that you did not deserve your husbands love. Mine actually said something similar a few days ago, he can't understand why I would want to be with someone like him. That he doesn't like himself and that he's boring.

 

Yes, Molley, there was a long, long period of self-loathing..self-hatred on my part after my affair. There are a few posts floating around on this forum that I wrote regarding my challenge with it.

 

The self-hatred stems from several sources:

 

1. Realizing the pain and destruction you single-handedly brought into your loved ones' lives. They didn't deserve this, but you did it to them anyways. ANd they continue to look at you with loving eyes and want to embrace you with loving arms..and the only thought in your head is how could I have done this to them. GUILT, GUILT, and MORE GUILT.

 

2. Realizing that you compromised your own value system...your own sense of self..stooped low, very low...into a dark, ugly place..a place you never thought YOU would EVER go, but did. Accepting that you are not as good of a person as you thought you were...you lack the character and integrity you thought you had...You lose your sense of self-respect. There is nothing to like or love about yourself anymore..after what you did.

 

3. And in MY case (not necessarily your husband's case) realizing I still had feelings for the other man while my husband was trying to love me. I didn't deserve my husband's love...didn't WANT him to love me...as long as I still had feelings for the other man. He deserved better than that.

 

All of these things made me feel like I wasn't worth loving. I couldn't love myself and I didn't want anyone else trying to love me. Instead, I wanted him to hate me as much as I hated myself.

 

This self-loathing truly hindered our marital recovery for a long time as my husband tried to get close and I continued to push him away.

 

You can't love anyone until you can love yourself. I stopped loving myself and found it very difficult to love him, knowing he deserved so much better.

 

And you can't accept anyone's forgiveness until you can forgive yourself, either.

 

That was another challenge I had to face..but tied closely with the self-loathing issue.

 

Marital recovery is not easy. It will be hard..for BOTH of you...if that's the path you choose to take.

[taylor]

taylor, post #159 was beautifully written. Thank you for writing that. I think you are absolutely right on with what you have written.

 

I can even apply what you have written to my own situation...although this is Molley's thread.

 

I agree that a turning point is coming for Molley's husband. He is starting to realize things.

 

Thanks, Snowflower.

 

It's funny how we both "saw" hope from that one post Molley wrote. And we came to that conclusion independently because our posts crossed.

 

Off to IC now.

 

Take care, both you and Molley.

[pkn06002]

Molly

has you husband started to discuss what he feels his "issues" are?

[Molley]

Thanks Taylor and Sunflower, after reading both your posts, I'm seeing maybe that is the case, his guilt and unhappiness is making things worse and he just doesn't want to connect right now because he's so emotionally overwhelmed by it all, doesn't really know what he wants. Still, I can't stop my mind from wandering and thinking the worst, maybe I'm just preparing myself, but I think I'm driving myself crazy. It could be that we really are too far down the road.

 

So, stay strong... I'm at the point now that if I go out for a few hours, I feel like I'm falling apart and I need to rush home. For what, I don't know, I think it's just that I want to hide out right now. Which is so not who I am. The emotions are just so overwhelming and uncontrollable. I can't function, I'm almost at the point that I dread him coming home because i won't be fun but then I dread thinking that he won't come home. I think I need to drink more How did you gather the strength to keep going? For me, I feel like I've been stressed and emotionally stretched for the last couple of years because of my business and now with this on top, every day I feel like I'm sinking a bit further down the hole. I've discovered what is necessary to do, and what I can just forget about for now. I've dropped some stuff, figure when I'm up to it, I'll get back to doing that. I'm sure some people will think I'm a total flake, but at this point, it just doesn't matter.

 

PKN - his issues.... this is all I know at this point, all that's been shared: we have talked about his unhappiness with his work, the fact he can barely stand doing the job. His total unhappiness with life in general. That there's this whole world passing him by. That he's bored. Then there are the issues with his family, parents hate each other but are still married. And he worries we'll end up like that. His dad would hit his mom every once in a while when he was growing up and he would try to make him stop... this just recently came out. So, that's another issue... all of his family problems shaped him into being a man who has trouble showing emotions. Then he said that during these last couple of years, I've just been so busy, working non stop, he would come home and the house would be dark because I wouldn't be there or I'd be upstairs working. He felt that we've started living like roommates. Which I really don't believe because we've always done things together and had fun. So, some of this stuff I think hes' just expanding upon, re-writing history to make himself feel better. Then he also said that he felt like I had disconnected from him, which I hadn't... just busy working and stressed out to the max.

 

So... not sure if those are the true issues... but I think it maybe the fact that he felt unloved, didn't know how to express it, he was lonely, bored, didn't feel like he received effection from me, we didn't go do many things during these last couple of years because finances were tight... and I don't think he knew how to handle all of this stuff. Then he went away and found someone you was able to fulfill all of those things, he was away from home, fantasy land. AGAIN... all the above doesn't make it ok to cheat.

[Molley]

aahhh... LDR.. Long distance relationship. Got it, I read through another post and finally figured out what LDR meant. Taylor, I believe you had mentioned in one of your posts that they don't work. Here's the odd thing about my relationship with my H before things broke down. We actually spent 15 months apart a few years ago, he got stationed to Spain, we had just purchased a home, that we hadn't moved into yet... so we decided that I would not accompany him on this tour of duty. Instead he came home every 3 months for a few weeks and I went to Spain for a month in the middle of it all. Although it was difficult we got through it fine. Because he's been gone so much through out our whole relationship, we've actually become pretty good at separations. Until this last one. I've never once questioned his faithfulness, now if we do make it through this mess, I'm just not sure how I'll react the next time he leaves for an extended amount of time. He's off for 4 days next week, however, I think I"m good, but I believe it's because I'm so tired that I just need a few days without all the drama.

 

This evening was uneventful. Came home, we had dinner, talked a little bit, read some and now he's in HIS room reading before calling it an night. Still hasn't seen the IC, guess this last one isn't calling him back. So I guess tomorrow he's got to fine yet another one. This is awful, he needs to get in and see someone good soon.

[taylor]

I think good, solid marriages can weather a separation or two..absence does make the heart grow fonder, they say.

 

But if a marriage already has some cracks in it, an LDR can serve to just make those gaps wider, IMO. I don't think the LDR IS the problem..it just makes the problems worse. Hard to work on a problem when you're a million miles away from each other, especially if the initial problem is an emotional distancing or disconnection.

 

I got blasted by posters a few months ago for not supporting a poster who moved away from his family to take a job that paid more money. The man already had significant problems in his marriage before he left. My stance was..what did you expect to happen...you chose money over your marriage.

 

But in your case, Molley, your husband is in the military. A whole different ballgame. He serves our country at great sacrifice and with great honor. We, as a society, will never know the true sacrifice that military families make for the rest of us. And it's a debt I don't think any of us can ever completely repay to you and yours.

 

Your marriage has withstood the test of time thru these long separations which says alot for your marriage. It had to be solid to get this far.

 

But only you and your husband know if over these years these long separations may have played a role in your husband's increasing unhappiness. Perhaps a part...maybe not the whole picture. Like you said, it may easily be some kind of mid-life crisis where he is examining his entire life under a microscope..perhaps seeing for the first time in his life where he is and where he would have wanted to be. That difference may be staring him back in the face and be causing him alot of unhappiness.

 

Still, all of these issues need to be addressed and IC is the place to do it.

 

And down the road, when things settle down, very open communication between the two of you about what is going to make each of you happy from here on out, will become increasingly important. It may very well be a time of renewal for both of you..time to dream again about what you want out of life..what you want to be doing with the rest of your lives. It can be a wonderful reawakening for both of you..something that can bring you both back together...with a renewed sense of self, excitement, passion, and energy. It's a great goal to shoot for...something to do TOGETHER.

 

Our MC told us he had a client going thru mid life crisis. He was a lawyer. Hated his job with a passion. Hated where he lived. Hated his life in general. Of course, had an affair, putting all the blame on his marriage.

In the end, he and his wife both quit their jobs and moved to the fertile valleys of California and opened a winery. Also bought a sailboat. Cut back on work and started enjoying his life more. Or MC said the man and his wife are happier now than they have ever been in their lives. This couple completely reinvented who they were..they shed their old selves and became new and happier people.

 

Now that's what I call a success story.

 

Our humble MC said he didn't do too much to help the couple along. He said they just needed to step outside their comfort zone..step outside the box that was holding them prisoner, overcome some fear, and find the resolve to make themselves happier. He said no one can hand another person happiness. You make your own happiness.

[65tr6]

My husband was the one who held us together in those months following D-Day. I was too busy going thru withdrawal to think about the marriage or fixing it.

 

I feel exactly this way about our recovery. And that is the reality. Waywards who were emotionally involved, recovering, going through terrible shame and remorse, have very tough time coming back into the marriage.

 

I have seen posters say here over and over...expecting waywards to put in 100% or more in the initial stages of recovery. Reality is it is rarely the case. I am not saying it does not happen but it is very rare. The least/best thing they can do it to maintain total NC.

 

After remorse, you then start dealing with "i dont deserve you, you deserve better" lines. Probably more so with women than men. I could be wrong however. You feel like you are out of the frying pan into the fire. lol. You wonder, what is next ?

 

Also, OP, another suggestion. This was difficult for me to do but I am improving so much on this lately and you may want to try this too....try NOT to talk about relationships with your husband at all. Let me tell you it was impossible for me to do that the first three months. I kept working on it and it is so much better now. I am not saying dont ask questions about the affair itself.

[taylor]

So, stay strong... I'm at the point now that if I go out for a few hours, I feel like I'm falling apart and I need to rush home. For what, I don't know, I think it's just that I want to hide out right now. Which is so not who I am. The emotions are just so overwhelming and uncontrollable. I can't function, I'm almost at the point that I dread him coming home because i won't be fun but then I dread thinking that he won't come home. I think I need to drink more How did you gather the strength to keep going? For me, I feel like I've been stressed and emotionally stretched for the last couple of years because of my business and now with this on top, every day I feel like I'm sinking a bit further down the hole. I've discovered what is necessary to do, and what I can just forget about for now. I've dropped some stuff, figure when I'm up to it, I'll get back to doing that. I'm sure some people will think I'm a total flake, but at this point, it just doesn't matter.

 

It's probably anxiety..that feeling of wanting to hide from the rest of the world...to be somewhere safe and protected.

 

Although we are on opposite sides of an affair, I can definitely relate to this feeling.

 

A year ago, within a one month period, I lost my father to cancer, I lost my job, lost the OM, and nearly lost my marriage following D-day. I fell into an acute depression with cycles of anxiety.

 

I remember well not wanting to leave the house..not even to get the mail. Not because of the depression..but because of the anxiety. Even going to the mall made me hyperventilate. I didn't want to be in crowds or anywhere where there was alot going on..alot of stimulation. I craved the peace and quiet..the comfort of a warm blanket.

 

I think people thought I was going crazy..it sure felt like it. Totally unlike me to be like that, too, as I am usually a very social, outgoing, bubbly person.

 

But tremendous amounts of stress can change a person. Didn't know that. But I know it now.

 

So know that what your are feeling and doing right now is normal, Molley. You are dealing with alot.

 

So, what got me thru?

 

First, anti-depressants and anti-anxiety medication. I'm not a pill person at all, but when I became non-functional, the need became more apparent. I took the anxiety meds for 2 months, the AD's for 8 months and slowly weaned off of them, substituting with hefty amounts of exercise...aerobics and weight training. I'm hooked on physical fitness now..great mood lifter and stress-reducer. Also, lots of walking, hiking and biking.

 

Second, tried to stop thinking too far ahead. Stop analyzing. A very smart poster here by the name of OWL has somewhat of a mantra regarding marital recovery. He says, "It's not a sprint. It's a marathon." Slow down, breath, take tiny baby steps, one day at a time.

 

Third, prayer. Not sure if you are a religious/spiritual person but I am. Knowing that I could share my burden with my maker helped to lighten the load. Putting faith in His hands that everything was going to be OK no matter what helped tremendously.

 

Fourth, took time for myself. To see the good things all around me..sunshine, happy songs, children playing. Take it all in. Find meaning in it. Also, time to feel all the feelings I was having, good or bad..mostly bad..owning them..and realizing that I would have to walk with them for awhile, but that eventually they would no longer be a part of my life.

 

Fifth, took time for others in small doses. Reaching out to do little things for other people who needed a little support. Helps get your mind off your own troubles. And knowing your doing a little good for someone else makes you feel good about yourself. Keeps you from becoming too self-absorbed.

 

And last, but not least, I like a good glass of red wine myself.

 

Take care, Molley. Do something good and special for YOU today.

[Molley]

65TR6 - right after my H went NC, we started discussing future plans, our relationship. There was a job opening overseas that seems to be written for both of us. We were dreaming of what could do and we loved it. My H even told me how I could help him move past withdrawal, that we just needed to keep busy, do things together and he would be fine. He promised me that he was going anywhere, we'd work it out. I still think of those few days and how we were connecting. But now things have changed so much that I no longer can bring up our relationship we don't discuss the future. yes, it's very difficult, I hate having to censor myself, not tell him my thoughts and feelings what we could be doing... but, right now, I think it's best to not discuss the relationship. So, we're living in this weird little world, being pleasant around each other. I now feel like we're just roommates and it's a killer. I do ask every evening if he's had any contact with the OW. That seems to really agitate him, but that's the way it goes... I need to know. I think it's hard for him to believe that I no longer have the same level of trust for him that I used to.

 

And yes, I think all I can ask from him at this point is to maintain NC. Try to work through the fog and funk that he's in.

 

Taylor - after reading all that you went through last year, I really feel like my situation is a piece of cake. Thank you for sharing that difficult time in your life with me. I do pray (although I've been spiritual, I've never been much of a church person, but now I am praying... fugure I haven't bothered God much in the past, maybe its my turn now.) I've tried to meditate, to just still my mind from all the noise. My IC has told me that I need to get out and exercise because it's a mood lifter, so I do need to go bike riding or walking. My H and I have been doing a little of the biking together, but I should go out and do something alone, it's also a great time to reflect.

 

I think OWL is right, it's not a sprint, it's a marathon... so true. I shouldn't be in such a hurry to finish it. baby steps and lots of wine.

[Snowflower]

 

So, stay strong... I'm at the point now that if I go out for a few hours, I feel like I'm falling apart and I need to rush home. For what, I don't know, I think it's just that I want to hide out right now. Which is so not who I am. The emotions are just so overwhelming and uncontrollable. I can't function, I'm almost at the point that I dread him coming home because i won't be fun but then I dread thinking that he won't come home. I think I need to drink more How did you gather the strength to keep going? For me, I feel like I've been stressed and emotionally stretched for the last couple of years because of my business and now with this on top, every day I feel like I'm sinking a bit further down the hole.

 

Hi Molley, Glad to hear your hanging in there.

 

I remember feeling like you describe here. For me though, I couldn't stand to be home...especially by myself. I would wake up early-way earlier than I needed to and just hurry to get to work. Work was a huge distraction for me-at least most of the time. Like you, I have also been emotionally stressed out the last couple of years that led up to this whole ordeal in my marriage-we had made a bad decision to move across the country, my father died of cancer, financial problems compounded by this crappy economy, etc. So, by last summer when my H "went off the deep end" as I call it now, I was already emotionally depleted.

 

I'm not sure how I made it through last summer and fall. I relied heavily on a couple of close friends and my sister. I would talk to them daily. They were my lifeline at the worst point of my life. The bigger support group that you can muster right now, the better. You will need them for awhile...no matter what happens! If it continues to work for you, keep posting here-even if it is just to vent. I wish I had found this forum last fall. I had posted on another forum and I actually had another poster "poke fun" at my situation. It was pretty bad.

 

I think you had mentioned that you had a new figure based on the "stress-diet" I had that happen to me, too. I knew I looked pretty good...and I have never been overweight!

 

Just try to take care of yourself...continue with IC and try to get out and exercise or whatever you like to do as a stress reliever. I didn't go the meds route but I nearly did--I was too scared to find out how they would make me feel.

 

What your H has been saying about living like roommates sounds exactly like what my H said-right before he started his A (I know this now). I remember being upset by this. Like you, I thought it wasn't true. I tried to fix things, reconnect or whatever but it was too late at that point. It took months but my H and I did finally reconnect. I still think there is hope for you and your H--you are just in a dark place right now.

 

It's good your H is starting to re-examine things in his life, I think. The more he does this, the less he will blame you and your marriage for his unhappiness. I'm glad he is at least sharing some things with you--about the fights his parents got into, etc. I still think this means your husband has an emotional connection to you-all good. I hope he finds a good IC though--I think that will help him a lot.

[Snowflower]

And down the road, when things settle down, very open communication between the two of you about what is going to make each of you happy from here on out, will become increasingly important. It may very well be a time of renewal for both of you..time to dream again about what you want out of life..what you want to be doing with the rest of your lives. It can be a wonderful reawakening for both of you..something that can bring you both back together...with a renewed sense of self, excitement, passion, and energy. It's a great goal to shoot for...something to do TOGETHER.

 

Our MC told us he had a client going thru mid life crisis. He was a lawyer. Hated his job with a passion. Hated where he lived. Hated his life in general. Of course, had an affair, putting all the blame on his marriage.

In the end, he and his wife both quit their jobs and moved to the fertile valleys of California and opened a winery. Also bought a sailboat. Cut back on work and started enjoying his life more. Or MC said the man and his wife are happier now than they have ever been in their lives. This couple completely reinvented who they were..they shed their old selves and became new and happier people.

 

This is a nice story and its so funny because my H and I were talking about "the rest of our lives" so to speak just last night. Kind of runs along what you are saying here, taylor. Our son graduates from HS this year and our other child will start HS this fall. Our kids are obviously getting older and now my H and I can start to look at what we want to do from now on...especially after our youngest graduates in another 4 years.

 

I was telling my H that in some ways I feel like I/we are starting out again now-kind of like we did when we were first married (we got married really young). We can now figure out what we want to do together. I think we are in the process of changing into different, happier people and our new marriage/relationship is a huge part of that.

 

Sorry for the thread-jack but Molley, what taylor said above might really happen in some way to you and your husband eventually. If it happens, it will take some time and it is a painful process but it might just happen for you. I say this just because your situation really resonates with me. For me and my husband, it was 5 months of absolute hell for both of us but in the end we found each other. And we have become better people as a result.

 

My husband and I feel like we walked through fire to finally really find each other and this fire (his A, the poor state of our marriage before and immediately after, mistakes we both made, the anguish we each went through, etc) burned away everything that was bad in our relationship.

 

It is my hope, Molley that you and your husband will find each other again in your own way and become even better people for it.

[Snowflower]

 

So, what got me thru?

 

First, anti-depressants and anti-anxiety medication. I'm not a pill person at all, but when I became non-functional, the need became more apparent. I took the anxiety meds for 2 months, the AD's for 8 months and slowly weaned off of them, substituting with hefty amounts of exercise...aerobics and weight training. I'm hooked on physical fitness now..great mood lifter and stress-reducer. Also, lots of walking, hiking and biking.

 

Second, tried to stop thinking too far ahead. Stop analyzing. A very smart poster here by the name of OWL has somewhat of a mantra regarding marital recovery. He says, "It's not a sprint. It's a marathon." Slow down, breath, take tiny baby steps, one day at a time.

 

Third, prayer. Not sure if you are a religious/spiritual person but I am. Knowing that I could share my burden with my maker helped to lighten the load. Putting faith in His hands that everything was going to be OK no matter what helped tremendously.

 

Fourth, took time for myself. To see the good things all around me..sunshine, happy songs, children playing. Take it all in. Find meaning in it. Also, time to feel all the feelings I was having, good or bad..mostly bad..owning them..and realizing that I would have to walk with them for awhile, but that eventually they would no longer be a part of my life.

 

Fifth, took time for others in small doses. Reaching out to do little things for other people who needed a little support. Helps get your mind off your own troubles. And knowing your doing a little good for someone else makes you feel good about yourself. Keeps you from becoming too self-absorbed.

 

And last, but not least, I like a good glass of red wine myself.

 

Take care, Molley. Do something good and special for YOU today.

 

This is really good advice. Molley, I hope you are having a better day today. You are strong...I can tell by reading your posts. I think you are handling what you are going through better than I did in my situation last year!

 

And yes, I love that glass of wine, too!

[Molley]

I'm so glad that I stumbled upon this forum and the assistance I've received from everyone who's posted in response to my call for help. If I was just relying on my friends, although they are well intentioned, I think I would have made some big mistakes by now. They're all telling me to get him out of the house, to move on. I know they just don't want to see me going through pain and think that taking quick actions such as dumping him and moving on to the next warm body will make it all better for me. However, I really think that unless someone has gone through this situation, they really have no idea how to proceed. So it's good to hear from the BS's and WS's.

 

Even my bff, who left her husband of 18 years last year after trying to make her marriage work for 18 years...(it was awful) thinks I just need to put it all behind me. She's actually got single men lined up waiting to introduce me to them as soon as I'm emotionally able to stand the sight of another man.

 

I'm adopting patience for the time being.

[Snowflower]

They're all telling me to get him out of the house, to move on. I know they just don't want to see me going through pain and think that taking quick actions such as dumping him and moving on to the next warm body will make it all better for me. However, I really think that unless someone has gone through this situation, they really have no idea how to proceed. So it's good to hear from the BS's and WS's.

 

Even my bff, who left her husband of 18 years last year after trying to make her marriage work for 18 years...(it was awful) thinks I just need to put it all behind me. She's actually got single men lined up waiting to introduce me to them as soon as I'm emotionally able to stand the sight of another man.

 

I'm adopting patience for the time being.

 

I had this happen to me, too. And at 5 months out from D-day, I still hear it from time to time-"you should just dump his a**." You will also hear it all the time if you post on forums like these-so watch out!

 

I found it almost nauseating that some of my well-meaning friends also thought that a "new, warm body" would make me feel better! I just knew all the way along that I didn't want to give up on my H-even after he confessed his A. I still loved him!

 

I had posted earlier that my friends and my sister helped me through the dark times-they were my lifeline. But, once my H and I recommitted to our marriage, I quit confiding a lot of stuff. My friends no longer understood what I was going through. Now, if I had dumped my H as a result of his A...I would probably have had a lot more support. I agree with you Molley that unless you have been in this situation, there is NO WAY anyone else can understand it. Hence, I found these forums...

 

Again, only you know what your situation is in your relationship. And you'll know what the right decision is for YOU.