marriage in crisis husband has retreated

[Molley]

Thanks Snowflower and Taylor.

 

I'm naturally a giving person and I want everything to be great again, so I'm working toward showing my husband that I care. How do I make him step forward and take on some of the responsibility now, make him do some of the heavy lifting? Seems like its a fine line right now.

 

I keep hearing that the WS in the first part of R really won't do much. And although mine seems to be more engaged and participating in our recovery, he's really not doing anything much in the affection department.

 

I think part of our problem is that I had given my husband everything on a silver platter and when I finally stopped, he didn't know how to take that, felt I no longer loved him, disconnected and had an affair (all in a nutshell.)

[angie2443]

Thanks Snowflower and Taylor.

 

I'm naturally a giving person and I want everything to be great again, so I'm working toward showing my husband that I care. How do I make him step forward and take on some of the responsibility now, make him do some of the heavy lifting? Seems like its a fine line right now.

 

I keep hearing that the WS in the first part of R really won't do much. And although mine seems to be more engaged and participating in our recovery, he's really not doing anything much in the affection department.

 

I think part of our problem is that I had given my husband everything on a silver platter and when I finally stopped, he didn't know how to take that, felt I no longer loved him, disconnected and had an affair (all in a nutshell.)

 

 

I read this and it reminded me a bit of my past situation.

 

I had always been the more giving one in my marriage. For me, I would say that I had been so giving that I had become a doormat in the early part of my marriage. I always put my husband's needs first, almost to the point where I felt like I was dissapearing in my marriage, if this makes any sense. My husband had a best girlfriend. He knew her before me. While I think they were always a bit more than "just friends", it was when I started asking for more for myself that he started going to his friend more. There were other problems (my husband had a hard time adjusting to our first baby), but I can look back and see that the stronger I had become, the more he'd run to his friend. I don't regret becomming stronger or asking for more in the relationship. If I hadn't, I'd have died inside, or maybe had an affair of my own. It just seems, in my case anyways, it had to get worse before it got better.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

Molley I really do hope the best for you, but I am still worried about the events and your husband's lack of words, feelings and true regret. It is always about him being unsure, not happy, conflicted. I have not heard you once say how much he loves and needs you and the mistakes he has made.

 

You said you told him you loved him numerous times all weekend and not once did he say it. You had sex and that was never a problem, he stayed the night but was not close or holding you.

 

I still think a lot is missing and he is taking the easy way out.

 

I hate to be negative, but he has not done nearly enough and you have to demand more of him....

[Molley]

TDPragmatic - You know, I really was starting to stress myself out today about the the very facts you mentioned, my BFF even pointed out the same things, how come he's not kissing my feet, why isn't he telling me how much he loves me...???? But then I sat down and talked to an older friend of mine who's also a social worker, dealing with many broken marriages. She actually put things more into perspective for me as I was freaking out about his lack of action. My husband has never been one to gush over anyone, he's always been quiet, keeping his feelings bottled up inside (one of the big reasons we're in this mess right now.) Just the fact that he actually asked to be allowed to come back home, that he put his affair behind him and that he stepped forward to work out our relationship, shouldn't be discounted. He took a chance and asked to be allowed to come home, I could have easily said no... and he knew that because I had told him I didn't want him back when he left. So, coming to me and asking to be allowed back home actually does show commitment and a need. The guy grew up in a family who's dad beat his mom, they're still together, but hate each other. His family never talked to one another, he didn't see any affection or love growing up between his parents. So to all of the sudden expect him to show me affection and to be demonstrative, when he really doesn't know how to navigate around this and especially when he's under a lot of stress, isn not all that realistic. Maybe I'm being dumb/blind, however, I don't believe a person can change overnight, so I'm working with what I have and what I know about my husband.

 

I believe that at this point he's more than a bit scared that I'm going to toss him out again, and although I've told him that I love him, not sure how much he believes me, since he's felt that I didn't have any feelings for him for quiet a while (another major issue with us) he still hasn't unpacked, in fact his stuff remained in the truck for a couple of days because he was worried that I would change my mind. yes, he did say that.

 

So i know... he may be taking the easy way out, however I don't believe so, he's remained engaged with me, he hasn't withdrawn and since every relationship is different, I'm just giving things a bit more time before I decide. Also, several posts back I do talk about his regret and how he feels awful about the affair and the guilt. The affair is something that I know weighs very heavily on him.

 

I know you're concerned, me too. (and thank you for trying to keep in in reality)... we'll just have to see, I'm going by my knowledge of my husband and although he's crazy over the deep end right now, I need to believe that we're going to continue in repairing our marriage. Also, from past info I've gathered from this site, not all WS's engage again right after ended an affair and coming back home. Some do, some don't... mine's engaged in working through the relationship. Again, maybe I'm just not facing the facts, but maybe that's what will carry us through until we find each other again. I'm slowly going to demand more, as we both become more comfortable with being together again and as we begin talking more and start feeling safe with each other. I know that I went through something awful with the affair and losing my husband, but he's also suffering because of his affair and what he's done to his life, my life and our marriage.

[giotto]

I think you let him back too soon and too quickly... you should have told him to come back when he's sorted his head out...

[Toodamnpragmatic]

Molley you know your husband best and I hope you are right. I however do think you should step back and see how he reacts, what he does and his actions. You should demand more. The fact he wanted to come home to where he is safe and comfortable I don't think says as much as your friend does. But again I am an outsider who knows absolutely nothing more then what I have read.

 

Still sounds that this is weighing more on you and you are investing more.

 

As you tell us more about him, I just wonder if he can give you what you want and deserve.

 

Best of luck....

[taylor]

I'm slowly going to demand more, as we both become more comfortable with being together again and as we begin talking more and start feeling safe with each other. I know that I went through something awful with the affair and losing my husband, but he's also suffering because of his affair and what he's done to his life, my life and our marriage.

 

This is the way to go and the way to think, Molley.

 

Your husband asked to come back home. He didn't crawl back because you begged him. He knows coming back means working on the marriage...not having his cake and eating it, too.

 

He will need to start proving to you that he truly is committed to the marriage. Don't expect alot..he still doesn't have alot to give. Move slowly and take baby steps. It's not how fast you recover your marriage, it's making sure it's moving in the right direction, that counts.

 

The first way he needs to prove to you that he is committed to the marriage is by completely severing ALL ties with the OW. Make this very clear to him. There is no room for a third person in a marriage. There is no way he can recommit to you with her still in the picture.

 

I think it's also important at this point that he commits to communicating openly with you. No more withdrawing, nor more shutting down or shutting you out.

 

Another good way he can show his commitment to you is by staying involved with you in terms of activities...doing as much together as time permits. No going off on his own...no letting you go off on your own.

 

It may take some time for the affection to return, Molley. I know in my case, because of several reasons, the desire to be affectionate with my husband, did not come back for many months.

 

Build the emotional connection thru communication and couple activities. The affection (hopefully) will follow. I would not push it. That may make him pull back under pressure. Again, the goal is to make him come to you.

 

I agree you are walking a fine line between giving and holding back.

 

Only you know your husband and what his needs are right now. Only you know what actions to take to evoke a positive response from him. Only you know how to read him. Who knows him better than you do? You are going to have to navigate these waters slowly by paying attention to the "signs".

 

If you give to much, you take away his opportunities to give to you. You become the giver, and he, the taker. Too much giving is not good.

 

But on the other hand, if you don't give, he questions how much you care for him. Apparently, he has been hurt by this in the past...when both of you were too busy to cater to each other....meet each other's needs.

 

So, I think you are doing right by showing him how much you care. Only you know how much reassurance he needs.

 

Marriage truly is a give and take dance. It's never 50/50 or 100/100.

 

You may read about WS bending over backwards to make up for their affair. I think this is rare...perhaps in one-night stands or very shallow affairs.

 

From my own experience in an EA, I would say it's very challenging for a WS who got emotionally involved with another person, to all of a sudden become loving, devoted and affectionate to the betrayed spouse.

 

I know in my case I WANTED to. I knew I NEEDED to. But my heart just wasn't in it...not for a long time. I think the head can recommit long before the heart can...for it to be a GENUINE desire.

 

Even tho my affair was emotional, it felt "fake" - awkward and uncomfortable - to be affectionate to my husband. My heart wasn't in it. It didn't feel natural.

 

But over time, as we became a couple again, I started to hug and kiss him again spontaneously, and slowly the desire returned for him to hold me and touch me.

 

It takes time, Molley. Hang in there. Baby steps.

[pkn06002]

Taylor thanks for that post I was writing something similar.

 

Keep remembering Molly a marathon not a sprint.

[Molley]

Thanks Taylor and PKN - I keep repeating to myself “it’s a marathon, not a sprint and baby steps” over and over again through-out the day. But, it’s good to keep getting the reminders from your posts

 

Early this morning, I tried to cuddle up to him, but he was hugging his pillow close, its like he's having an affair with it. he’s started doing the pillow things since the affair, but insists that this is the way he’s always slept (uhmmm…. No) that it’s be a long time since he’s actually cuddled with me instead of a pillow. So, I gently told him that since he made the commitment to work on our marriage, the pillow needs to be put aside and that I need to be shown some affection, that I want the cuddle time. He set the pillow aside and hugged me, then kissed me and got up to get ready for work. Once he came out of the bathroom dressed, he normally just walks into the kitchen and leaves, instead this time, he walked back into the bedroom and kissed me before leaving. First time that has happened since the A. I’m not expecting a lot, baby steps… however I am starting to let him know my needs, which for me is also difficult to do. You see… in our relationship, we didn’t talk much about our needs… we just kept the peace most of the time so over the years, things built up

 

He has severed all ties with the OW, we had that discussion the day after he returned. No more contact between them. She actually said that she knows he's working on his marriage and she's no longer going to interfere (strange as that sounds.) It’s difficult for me to accept and believe, since NC didn’t work last time, however I’m working through that.

 

We’ve also discussed the fact that we need to do as much together as possible, to go have hobbies together, bike, play tennis, golf, make beer… bum around… anything as long as its together. Also, we need to start taking vacations. His idea is for us to take short weekend vacations, just short airplane hops to new destinations so that we can explore together. I’m all for that. One of his big things is for us to not get boring, to explore together and see things together

 

I’m also making an effort to reach out to him, like I used to all the time. When we were walking around on Sunday, I reached out to hold his hand, he accepted the gesture. When I reach out to stroke his arm or to touch him in a kind way, he doesn’t back away, which is good. However, he’s not the one to initiate… but he never was, he’s never been a PDA guy, especially being in the military and growing up with parents who never displayed any affection. So, all through our relationship, it was mostly me reaching out to him when out in public. At home, of course it was different… but when he reached out, it was always a sexual thing and that’s how it still is

 

I’m trying not to put pressure on the situation, at the same time, I’m trying to let him know my needs… walking a fine line. Thanks for the reminder that it’s never a 50/50 thing in a marriage. I’m hoping his heart will jump back in once he feels safe that I won’t back out. I’m just now starting to realize how much I really had disconnected and checked out from our marriage, and to acknowledge this is really painful, wow… how could I have not realized what I was doing. However my love has returned and I’ve recommitted, so I know it’s possible for him to also recommit, and I believe he’s working on it. But you’re right, it’s the heart that takes the longest, even when the brain wants to.

[Snowflower]

Nice post, taylor. As you are usually, you are right on the money!

 

Molley, I do think you and your husband are headed in the right direction. It will take a lot of time, love and patience.

 

If your H has never been comfortable with PDAs then this will be especially difficult, scary and confusing to him. The same goes for talking about his feelings.

 

I'm glad to hear that your H has agreed to NC. This is crucial. Hopefully, you and your husband will slowly be able to concentrate more on your marriage and the issues between you and less and less on the A as you both gain space and perspective as you move forward.

[taylor]

Early this morning, I tried to cuddle up to him, but he was hugging his pillow close, its like he's having an affair with it. he’s started doing the pillow things since the affair, but insists that this is the way he’s always slept (uhmmm…. No) that it’s be a long time since he’s actually cuddled with me instead of a pillow. So, I gently told him that since he made the commitment to work on our marriage, the pillow needs to be put aside and that I need to be shown some affection, that I want the cuddle time. He set the pillow aside and hugged me, then kissed me and got up to get ready for work. Once he came out of the bathroom dressed, he normally just walks into the kitchen and leaves, instead this time, he walked back into the bedroom and kissed me before leaving. First time that has happened since the A. I’m not expecting a lot, baby steps… however I am starting to let him know my needs, which for me is also difficult to do. You see… in our relationship, we didn’t talk much about our needs… we just kept the peace most of the time so over the years, things built up

 

You and your husband have a wonderful opportunity now to build a new marriage that can meet both of your needs. Now is the time to start laying that new foundation.

 

Not sure if you have read the book "His Needs, Her Needs" by Dr. Harley. The gist of it can be accessed on marriagebuilders.com. as well. It lists 10 essential needs in all marriages.

 

My husband and I took the "needs" quiz on marriagebuilders.com soon after D-day. We each listed our top needs and the needs we found to be most unmet in our marriage. Then we exchanged papers and were surprised to see that our lists were almost identical! Here, we were both in the same boat and didn't even realize it. Why? Because, like you and your husband, we didn't talk about unmet needs. We did like you did...kept the peace..didn't rock the boat...chose toleration over confrontation.

 

Learning what each of our needs were and which ones weren't getting met came as quite an eye-opener to both of us.

 

It's great you expressed your need for affection to your husband. This is going to be a challenge for him, especially in light of the affair, and because he has never been a PDA kind of guy to begin with. But, as our therapist told us, THIS is the time to start stepping out of the box..out of our comfort zones..to meet each other's needs.

 

I had to laugh a little about the pillow thing...pillow affair (LOL)

 

Glad you made him toss that aside. He was using it as a crutch...clinging to it as a way to avoid intimacy. You did a good job making him step out of his comfort zone..making him reach for you...making that connection.

 

 

 

 

No more contact between them. She actually said that she knows he's working on his marriage and she's no longer going to interfere (strange as that sounds.) It’s difficult for me to accept and believe, since NC didn’t work last time, however I’m working through that.

 

It's going to take time for him to earn your trust, Molley. He knows what's at stake. The last time he broke your trust you booted him out. He KNOWS what he needs to do and he knows what will happen if he doesn't. You have made this very clear to him. It's all up to him now to prove himself to you. His actions over time will tell you whether or not he can be trusted again.

 

 

So, all through our relationship, it was mostly me reaching out to him when out in public. At home, of course it was different… but when he reached out, it was always a sexual thing and that’s how it still is

 

If you want this to be different, now is the time to make the change. Like I said, lay a new foundation for this new marriage you want to build.

 

I’m just now starting to realize how much I really had disconnected and checked out from our marriage, and to acknowledge this is really painful, wow… how could I have not realized what I was doing.

 

My husband and I both saw the affair as a "wake-up" call because it served as a catalyst to make us both take an inside look at our marriage. My husband, like you, was shocked to see how disconnected we were and how off track our marriage had gotten (aside from the affair). He told me things didn't seem right...weren't good...but couldn't figure out why, so he ignored it, tolerated it, and hoped it would just get better on its own.

 

As the WS, I KNEW how disconnected and off track our marriage was. I could feel it. The emotional disconnect hurt and made me feel very lonely and empty inside. I also KNEW exactly when I checked out of the marriage...the very day I threw in the towel. It was 8 months prior to D-day.

 

But what I didn't know, and only realized in the months following D-day, was that I was in part responsible for the emotional disconnect that was causing havoc in the marriage for 3 years prior to the affair. I know. It sounds strange. But I truly did not think I was causing any of the marital problems. I put all the blame on my husband and started to resent him for "making" me unhappy. I spent 3 years pointing the finger at him.

 

After months of discernment following D-Day, the time came when I realized I was dead wrong. I had to turn that finger around and point it at myself. It was quite the awakening.

 

I hope that your husband has this kind of awakening down the road, Molley. It's a huge turning point in recovery.

[Molley]

Not sure if you have read the book "His Needs, Her Needs" by Dr. Harley. The gist of it can be accessed on marriagebuilders.com. as well. It lists 10 essential needs in all marriages.

 

yes, I got the book about a month ago and have been reading through it and so has my H. We need to take the needs quiz, I think it would be a good thing for both of us to review and see.

 

Last night, we had a good evening. Dinner and talk. I noticed when I got into bed, he wasn't hugging the pillow Slept like a normal person and this morning he actually reached out for me to cuddle before getting up for work. Since then, we've been exchanging little "teasing" emails.

 

Thanks Taylor for all the insight, this is a new marriage and now is the time for both of us to build the foundation WE want. I'm seeing it as a way to build a much better marriage, stronger and happier. It is an awakening as you put it.

[Treasa]

I think your marriage has gotten stagnant. I know you both enjoy bike riding, tennis, etc., but what about trying some new things? Spice it up a bit, make things a bit hotter.

 

What about an actual date where he picks you up and you dress up all hot-like, and you guys go out for a romantic dinner somewhere? Maybe leave him little love notes. Be coy, but be friendly and approachable. Leave for a while and let him miss you. Or maybe have him lay his head in your lap, and listen intently while he talks about his day. And then switch.

 

I feel like he's looking for that sort of "new and exciting" thing that the OW gave him. I've read all of your posts, and my heart was breaking last week for you, but whenever I read about you guys spending time going out on errands, playing tennis, and doing things you've been doing all along, I sort of cringed. It didn't feel like there was any spark left, or any renewal.

 

I'm really tired, and it's way too early for me, so please forgive me if I'm not making sense, but I think you need to change things up a bit.

[Molley]

treasa - thanks for all the ideas, I'll have to try some of them We actually have been trying some new things that I haven't metioned on the post since he's returned... and actually tennis is new for us and something we're both enjoying. also, while playing, we do a bit of "teasing" so it's really fun. And biking, especially along the river is something new for us to do together. We're also going to start taking off for some fun quick weekend vacations at least once a month. Also, on weekends, we're trying to go find something fun to do besides just errands. Last weekend we went to a festival along the river and lunch. So, yes... we realize we need to spice it up a bit, see new things, have fun. I like the love notes thing, that's something I used to do, put a little fun note in his lunch box, give him something to think about while at work. Yes, things did become stagnant, we used to do so many fun things, go out to dinners quite a bit but some where along the way, we stopped doing those things, now we're getting things going again.

[Snowflower]

You and your husband have a wonderful opportunity now to build a new marriage that can meet both of your needs. Now is the time to start laying that new foundation.

 

 

Good advice.

 

Molley, here is the opportunity to have something good come out of a horrific situation: a new relationship that works for both of you and one that meets both of your needs. Sure, it will take A LOT of effort on both your parts to build a new relationship, but it will can be done.

 

Some people say that you have to rebuild everything after an affair severely damages a relationship. I think of it more of a chance to build (not rebuild) something entirely different. Rebuilding, to me, implies that you will recreate a relationship that obviously didn't work well to begin with. Like taylor mentions, now you can lay the foundation for your new relationship and build on it. It can be done and it is worth it!

 

My husband and I were talking about this last night. At nearly 6 months now past d-day for us, we are both much happier with our 'new' marriage. We have come to the conclusion that BOTH of us pretty much destroyed our old marriage. And it wasn't just his affair either. It was a lot more than that. Years of resentment, complacency, growing distance, misunderstandings and assumptions made our marriage so weak that it finally succumbed. My actions and his actions finally killed it. Yesterday, I felt very down about the stupid decisions my husband and I both made.

 

Molley, I think you and your husband are on the right path. Everything is different for you and your husband now but that is okay. Take what you have learned and what you have left between the two of you (there are obviously a lot of good things-and you will discover more as you go on) and begin a new relationship.

[giotto]

I really admire the couples who are able to rebuild (build again) a marriage after infidelity. I don't know if I could, but then I'm an old cynic... good luck to everybody!

[TroyNJ]

Wow, I read this entire thread and frankly think Molly handeled this situation about as bad as you could. She should have threw him out as soon as she found out about the Affair by not doing so basically enabled the behavior to continue. Secondly she started to place some blame on herself, again very bad.

 

This guy is still in a Fog BECAUSE HE HASN'T BEEN SNAPPED OUT OF IT! He didn't want to leave because he was getting Sex while also having a place to Live, he was in no way working on the Marriage.

 

If Molly doesn't lay rules down and make sure they are followed this will not end well, he had the Affair and needs to show remorse and be willing to do WHAT EVER Molly needs him to do.

 

This was/is a text book case of how not to handle a cheating spouse..Molly, I'm so sorry what you had to go through and please don't think I'm trying to be mean to you, I'm just being brutally honest. You allowed him to have his Cake & eat it too...Did u notice what happened after you kicked him out???? He wanted to come back BECAUSE he couldn't have you...So you commence to giving him Sex and BINGO he wasn't so sure he should have came Home.

 

I know it's hard but if you want to save you marriage you better change your approach and fast. This guy has showed zero remourse for what he did and your so in love with him your allowing this to continue to some degree.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

Wow, I read this entire thread and frankly think Molly handeled this situation about as bad as you could. She should have threw him out as soon as she found out about the Affair by not doing so basically enabled the behavior to continue. Secondly she started to place some blame on herself, again very bad.

 

This guy is still in a Fog BECAUSE HE HASN'T BEEN SNAPPED OUT OF IT! He didn't want to leave because he was getting Sex while also having a place to Live, he was in no way working on the Marriage.

 

If Molly doesn't lay rules down and make sure they are followed this will not end well, he had the Affair and needs to show remorse and be willing to do WHAT EVER Molly needs him to do.

 

This was/is a text book case of how not to handle a cheating spouse..Molly, I'm so sorry what you had to go through and please don't think I'm trying to be mean to you, I'm just being brutally honest. You allowed him to have his Cake & eat it too...Did u notice what happened after you kicked him out???? He wanted to come back BECAUSE he couldn't have you...So you commence to giving him Sex and BINGO he wasn't so sure he should have came Home.

 

I know it's hard but if you want to save you marriage you better change your approach and fast. This guy has showed zero remourse for what he did and your so in love with him your allowing this to continue to some degree.

 

I have been commenting (posting) since day 1 and you are probably right, though I was never so blunt in my posts.

 

I wonder though if as males we are projecting our own situation to that of her spouse. Molley has taken way too more responsibility to the EA/PA then necessary and done too much to repair the marriage imo, while H is in a fog (a cheap excuse).

 

My spouse would kick me out I imagine and certainly if we were trying to mend the relationship, would I be having great sex and then retreating to a pillow or guest room? I'd be very lucky if I was in a guest room..... Sex forget about it for a long, long time.....

 

When Molley says she may have retreated, while starting her business, she never mentions H stepping up and doing things to make the transition or stress manageable.

 

Molley is the one telling us she is being more affectionate now and then happily posting that H gave her a hug in the morning, which is unusual. I can't imagine that is enough.....

 

Yes my first questions were about physical appearance, comparisons to the OW and such, which is how I as a male thinks (and think I am being pretty much typical). When Molley confirmed she indeed was a looker , attentive, no kids to distract time together, they have hobbies they share, golf, tennis, hiking...... You can't help but be somewhat envious about what looks like a great catch/relationship.

 

And now the updates are all she has done and everything H has done often excused due to his issues/upbringing/parent's relationship......

 

Sorry Molley, but TroyNJ certainly has opened a can of worms that I do agree with. However the caveat is only Molley know if what she is doing is right.

 

As a male, let me tell you, your H is very very lucky based on this thread....

[pkn06002]

What is funny about you two above is this. I really wonder how "successful" you ideas really are. You see people post the same ideas over and over at other sites but they always seem to be people that are divorced or now controlling their marriage as a warden.

 

Tell you what if my wife had tried what you two are suggesting my marriage(as imperfect as it is) would not be around today.

 

1) I would not of been "kicked out" I know my legal rights and it can't legally happen. Molly's husband was looking at divorce sites. Guess what one of the first things they say is to NOT LEAVE your home.

 

2) You want to play the power play you better be ready to play all the way through to divorce. Molly was not interested in that when this all first started.

 

3) Sorry to bust your bubble the a wayward cannot be "SNAPPED" out of the fog. Nope not going to happen. You try to force it the only thing you succeed in doing is making the comparison between you and the AP worse. There is a reason all affair methodologies have a version of the Plan A and B that Marriage Builders does.

 

4) The wayward should be "willing to do what ever" what part of the wayward strayed because they were unhappy do you not understand??? Yeah play hard ball with someone that already wants to walk. Yep seems like a winning strategy there. That only works once the wayward decides they WANT to stay in the marriage. Sometimes even then it does not happen.

 

5) Remorse?? LOL!!!!! I so love when people bring that concept up. By Molly's descriptions her husband has no remorse (currently) you know why because he checked out LONG AGO. I would bet he really does not feel he has done anything wrong. So no remorse is going to show up anytime soon.

 

The ideas you two are pitching only work if you hold all the cards and therefore can force the wayward back into compliance. Tell me once you force a wayward back what type of marriage do you think you are going to get?

 

Molly seems to be unafraid of a future without her husband and that alone gives her the leverage she needs. Now it is up to the two of them to decided if they want to continue their marriage, as a joint partnership. Because who wants someone that was forced back in to the marriage, instead of someone that wants to come back willingly.

 

Both of them are free to walk at anytime.

 

Stay the course Molly but be firm. Remember a marathon not a sprint. No quick fixes it all takes time. You are strong and know that now keep that thought in mind when dealing with your husband. Set your deal breakers and they have to be firm. He does not meet those ideas you set you have only one card to play and you know that.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

PKN - You are probably right and I said as much, just thought Molley was/is incredibly giving and has shown resolve and understanding I am not sure would be the same for me.

[TroyNJ]

I stand by my statements and it's Ok if you don't agree, I guarantee you this will not turn out well for the OP.

 

Most people are too weak to do what needs to be done in cheating situations and I understand why.

[TroyNJ]

What is funny about you two above is this. I really wonder how "successful" you ideas really are. You see people post the same ideas over and over at other sites but they always seem to be people that are divorced or now controlling their marriage as a warden.

 

Tell you what if my wife had tried what you two are suggesting my marriage(as imperfect as it is) would not be around today.

 

1) I would not of been "kicked out" I know my legal rights and it can't legally happen. Molly's husband was looking at divorce sites. Guess what one of the first things they say is to NOT LEAVE your home.

 

No maybe you wouldn't have but she could have made it unbearable for you to stay, and trust me, there are ways to get you out!

 

2) You want to play the power play you better be ready to play all the way through to divorce. Molly was not interested in that when this all first started.

 

The power play is to make him make a choice, the OW or her, your thinkinh here isn't rational. Why live with someone who doesn't care that they hurt you.

 

3) Sorry to bust your bubble the a wayward cannot be "SNAPPED" out of the fog. Nope not going to happen. You try to force it the only thing you succeed in doing is making the comparison between you and the AP worse. There is a reason all affair methodologies have a version of the Plan A and B that Marriage Builders does.

 

You don't force anything, you make them realize what they are losing, most cheaters don't want to leave, they want there cake and eat it too, this simply shortens the time it takes for them to make a decision.

 

4) The wayward should be "willing to do what ever" what part of the wayward strayed because they were unhappy do you not understand??? Yeah play hard ball with someone that already wants to walk. Yep seems like a winning strategy there. That only works once the wayward decides they WANT to stay in the marriage. Sometimes even then it does not happen.

 

If they don't repair what they damamged they aren't worth staying with, again your reasoning is twisted. What someone isn't happy they should communicate this to there spouse, not cheat.

 

5) Remorse?? LOL!!!!! I so love when people bring that concept up. By Molly's descriptions her husband has no remorse (currently) you know why because he checked out LONG AGO. I would bet he really does not feel he has done anything wrong. So no remorse is going to show up anytime soon.

 

Point blank he doesn't give a rats ass about her or he would show remourse, wow that was a tough one! Letting him continue this BS will get here no where except in a mental institution.

 

The ideas you two are pitching only work if you hold all the cards and therefore can force the wayward back into compliance. Tell me once you force a wayward back what type of marriage do you think you are going to get?

 

You don't force anything, you make them make a choice, you under NO circumstances let it continue while together..I don't know your experience but by the methods you are writing I'd bet it wasn't good.

 

Molly seems to be unafraid of a future without her husband and that alone gives her the leverage she needs. Now it is up to the two of them to decided if they want to continue their marriage, as a joint partnership. Because who wants someone that was forced back in to the marriage, instead of someone that wants to come back willingly.

 

Both of them are free to walk at anytime.

 

Stay the course Molly but be firm. Remember a marathon not a sprint. No quick fixes it all takes time. You are strong and know that now keep that thought in mind when dealing with your husband. Set your deal breakers and they have to be firm. He does not meet those ideas you set you have only one card to play and you know that.

 

Agree, RULES (deal breakers) must be set!

[Toodamnpragmatic]

Sorry I have read no relationship books at all (neither has my spouse). We probably have completely different views too. The point is Molley has been incredibly giving, understanding and very proactive in trying to rebuild this marriage.

 

Do we see the same from H?

 

So TrotNJ pulled no punches, that is his opinion and I too backed him up as I only look at my marriage and my spouse and how I think things would be different as I was in this "fog".

 

Molley is doing what's right for her, but she came here and posted and while all are pulling for her, there are differing opinions.

 

I think TroyNJ said what many of us were amazed at, that Molley was so ready to work through the issues with H and "reward" him as she has.....

[TroyNJ]

Again, I mean no Ill feeling and I respect the opinion of others, every situation is different. I have dealt with such matters and from experience the way I describe gives the best percentage to save the marriage. I hope everything works out and if not I belive God will ot put nothing in front of us that we can't handle!

[soserious1]

What is funny about you two above is this. I really wonder how "successful" you ideas really are. You see people post the same ideas over and over at other sites but they always seem to be people that are divorced or now controlling their marriage as a warden.

 

Tell you what if my wife had tried what you two are suggesting my marriage(as imperfect as it is) would not be around today.

 

1) I would not of been "kicked out" I know my legal rights and it can't legally happen. Molly's husband was looking at divorce sites. Guess what one of the first things they say is to NOT LEAVE your home.

 

2) You want to play the power play you better be ready to play all the way through to divorce. Molly was not interested in that when this all first started.

 

3) Sorry to bust your bubble the a wayward cannot be "SNAPPED" out of the fog. Nope not going to happen. You try to force it the only thing you succeed in doing is making the comparison between you and the AP worse. There is a reason all affair methodologies have a version of the Plan A and B that Marriage Builders does.

 

4) The wayward should be "willing to do what ever" what part of the wayward strayed because they were unhappy do you not understand??? Yeah play hard ball with someone that already wants to walk. Yep seems like a winning strategy there. That only works once the wayward decides they WANT to stay in the marriage. Sometimes even then it does not happen.

 

5) Remorse?? LOL!!!!! I so love when people bring that concept up. By Molly's descriptions her husband has no remorse (currently) you know why because he checked out LONG AGO. I would bet he really does not feel he has done anything wrong. So no remorse is going to show up anytime soon.

 

The ideas you two are pitching only work if you hold all the cards and therefore can force the wayward back into compliance. Tell me once you force a wayward back what type of marriage do you think you are going to get?

 

Molly seems to be unafraid of a future without her husband and that alone gives her the leverage she needs. Now it is up to the two of them to decided if they want to continue their marriage, as a joint partnership. Because who wants someone that was forced back in to the marriage, instead of someone that wants to come back willingly.

 

Both of them are free to walk at anytime.

 

Stay the course Molly but be firm. Remember a marathon not a sprint. No quick fixes it all takes time. You are strong and know that now keep that thought in mind when dealing with your husband. Set your deal breakers and they have to be firm. He does not meet those ideas you set you have only one card to play and you know that.

 

All of the reasons you've listed above are the reasons I say that once D day comes.. divorce day should closely follow. I could never live as some man's warden or jailer, nor could I live with a man who was arrogant and telling me to beg his forgiveness because he stuck his dick in another woman.

 

My Ex is now free to stick in his dick in as many young, busty women who will have him, and he gets a hefty alimony check every month from me. The perfect ending for a wandering spouse.

 

Btw, my EX had no remorse either but neither do I, the marriage wasn't worth another minute of time, it would be a cold day in hell I'd beg forgiveness from somebody who chose to betray me rather than to just ask for a divorce.