"The walk-away wife..."

[flash582]

You could always reconcile ..... then take a transfer to a non-alimony state.

 

90 days later and then tell him to KYA.

[soserious1]

You could always reconcile ..... then take a transfer to a non-alimony state.

 

90 days later and then tell him to KYA.

 

 

LOL, he's in a new relationship with a lovely 33 yr old, besides the only transfer I could take at this time would be over seas, imagining life with this person in Brussels ? ROTFLMAO!!!

[mark982]

geez,sounds like your in hell on earth. is there any way you can pay a PI to follow him? to get proof that she's not screwed up.

[Star11]

First off, I want to thank all of you for your candor. I cannot tell you how much I appreciate it. Let me also say, he is not a mean person, he really is a good man, I just don't think he's the one for me anymore.

 

I think that deep down he thought he was doing what he thought was right by me all these years. He has told me that it has always been I who hasn't communicated properly my needs and desires. I grew up in a household full of abuse, both mental and physical, which has completely shaped the way I behave as an adult, how have I behaved in my marriage, and in my life. I didn't have good role models to know how to be a good wife or partner. This doesn't excuse staying static and "settling" for 20 years, granted, and I will have to live with the guilt of wanting to walk away forever, that shall be my cross to bear.

 

As far as school goes, I worked full-time during the years I went to school, and struggled with full credits some semesters, and paid my own way. As I said, I married at 17 and therefore didn't graduate high school. College was something I wanted for myself, so I worked for it and got it.

 

Now we are at the point where he feels that I am a completely selfish B***H. I tend to agree and disagree, and told him if that was the case, I would have just kicked him out with nothing! I am very cognizant that he has "nothing" and am trying the "roommate" routine to help. At least in my own twisted logic I think am helping . Again, feeling as that his needs are more important than mine.

 

This has not been an easy decision for me, but I still feel myself disappearing more and more everyday. I don't know myself as anything other than "wife". I went from home to married, with no time to discover my own identity. To guard against any further hurt, I was very good at building walls to insulate myself as a child/young adult, and feel myself doing it all the time now. I don't want to get back to that place. I am thankful for therapy, it's helping me to learn to be assertive and to fight for myself, which I haven't done in 20 years!

 

I am not a perfect person, and gosh! I wish it could be different. At the end of the day, we have to be true to ourselves, and this still feels like the right decision in my life.

 

Again, thanks for all the posts, you don't know how much I appreciate them!

[Star11]

LOL, he's in a new relationship with a lovely 33 yr old, besides the only transfer I could take at this time would be over seas, imagining life with this person in Brussels ? ROTFLMAO!!!

 

so serious...this is the EXACT situation I am afraid of. I have offered to stay married to keep him on the health insurance, to pay ALL of the bills, and even to continue to let him live rent free until he finds a job! He has told me that my decision to separate has now changed the fact that he cannot do what HE wants, and that he will now have to find out how to take care of himself. REALLY?!? Will my "generosity" bode well for me in court, who knows? I do sort of feel obligated as I am the one "ruining his life"...guilt is a POWERFUL motivator, eh?

 

I am not made of money, work in construction, and the economy sucks, so I could wind up being left with "nothing". But it's a risk I was willing to take to get my life back...

[soserious1]

so serious...this is the EXACT situation I am afraid of. I have offered to stay married to keep him on the health insurance, to pay ALL of the bills, and even to continue to let him live rent free until he finds a job! He has told me that my decision to separate has now changed the fact that he cannot do what HE wants, and that he will now have to find out how to take care of himself. REALLY?!? Will my "generosity" bode well for me in court, who knows? I do sort of feel obligated as I am the one "ruining his life"...guilt is a POWERFUL motivator, eh?

 

I am not made of money, work in construction, and the economy sucks, so I could wind up being left with "nothing". But it's a risk I was willing to take to get my life back...

 

Once you get to court it's all about a few main points.

 

1.Duration of the marriage.. with 20 yrs in, you are a marriage of long duration

 

2. how long has he been out of work ..the longer it goes on the worse it is for you as it implies your acceptance of the bread winner role

 

3.documentation of disability..how much medical proof does he have, is he undergoing regular medical treatment ?

 

4. How old is he ? if he's approaching 55 chances are good that no judge is going to order him to retrain so you can forget about time limited rehabliative alimony.

 

5. who's looking to end it? you've decided you want out? expect to be ordered to pay and pay a hefty amount. Judges are really under the gun to prevent able bodied people from dumping disabled almost elderly spouses onto state welfare rolls.

 

 

I will tell you this, get a good lawyer now, do NOT start paying heavily for anything thinking it will only be for the short term, you being "generous" could well become the default standard of living you'll be court ordered to provide him with after a divorce.

[Star11]

Once you get to court it's all about a few main points.

 

1.Duration of the marriage.. with 20 yrs in, you are a marriage of long duration

 

2. how long has he been out of work ..the longer it goes on the worse it is for you as it implies your acceptance of the bread winner role

 

3.documentation of disability..how much medical proof does he have, is he undergoing regular medical treatment ?

 

4. How old is he ? if he's approaching 55 chances are good that no judge is going to order him to retrain so you can forget about time limited rehabliative alimony.

 

5. who's looking to end it? you've decided you want out? expect to be ordered to pay and pay a hefty amount. Judges are really under the gun to prevent able bodied people from dumping disabled almost elderly spouses onto state welfare rolls.

 

 

I will tell you this, get a good lawyer now, do NOT start paying heavily for anything thinking it will only be for the short term, you being "generous" could well become the default standard of living you'll be court ordered to provide him with after a divorce.

 

 

He's been out of work for 4 years, (5 in December). There was no documented true disability. Only the advice of a chiropractor to change careers before he ended up in a wheelchair. There were a host of other reasons (my job for one - took us to another city - we both agreed to the move) he chose to quit, the back was just literally the "straw that broke the camel's back."

 

We are both still relatively young...he's 44 and I am 38, and I am the one who's calling it quits...

 

I have been hoping against hope that our spoken "agreement" all these years, which was that if we couldn't be married we would still be friends, would hold up, hence, no lawyer talk, yet. We always said if the other was unhappy we would separate and decide if we want to work or not, and also that we wouldn't try to force the other to stay where they were not happy or where they weren't wanted...

 

Not so much...he's in "fix it" mode, constantly trying to convince me to go to counseling to reconcile and to try to make him understand why this his happening.

 

My friends and my therapist keep telling me that it's not my responsibility to make him understand or to try to be his support in this, but somehow I feel compelled to make him understand. Which is probably why we keep doing the same dance over and over again.

[Pamcat826]

You might find this hard to believe but the fact that others are in the same sorry boat really isn't any comfort to me. Even if I'd had a pre-nup the judge would have most likely struck it down and voided it, judges are kind of under the gun to prevent people from casting off disabled spouses who will become charges of the state.

 

What really sucks for me is this.. if I were to remarry he could petition for an increase in alimony as my new husband would be presumed liable for 1/2 of our living costs which would mean I had extra disposable money from my own earnings available to give to my ex, same thing goes for any raises or second job income that the ex finds out about.

 

Go online and start buying him magazine subscriptions for extreme sports, skydiving, hang-gliding, aviation, motor-racing, or start sending him travel brochures for vacation spots in countries with an active war or that are crime ridden.

 

You got to use your imagination GF.

[mark982]

pam, i love your way of thinking;) but i sure hope you and my wife never hook up:D

[soserious1]

He's been out of work for 4 years, (5 in December). There was no documented true disability. Only the advice of a chiropractor to change careers before he ended up in a wheelchair. There were a host of other reasons (my job for one - took us to another city - we both agreed to the move) he chose to quit, the back was just literally the "straw that broke the camel's back."

 

We are both still relatively young...he's 44 and I am 38, and I am the one who's calling it quits...

 

I have been hoping against hope that our spoken "agreement" all these years, which was that if we couldn't be married we would still be friends, would hold up, hence, no lawyer talk, yet. We always said if the other was unhappy we would separate and decide if we want to work or not, and also that we wouldn't try to force the other to stay where they were not happy or where they weren't wanted...

 

Not so much...he's in "fix it" mode, constantly trying to convince me to go to counseling to reconcile and to try to make him understand why this his happening.

 

My friends and my therapist keep telling me that it's not my responsibility to make him understand or to try to be his support in this, but somehow I feel compelled to make him understand. Which is probably why we keep doing the same dance over and over again.

 

 

You've got to get moving, out of work for 4 yrs with only soft medical documentation and no ongoing treatment.. his not already seeking to go to school or to make attempts to change fields... you've got a valid complaint here, that you wanted to be supportive of your spouse's back issue etc but he has not sought formal DX nor treatment, nor has he seriously attempted to retrain to another field. You need a good lawyer ASAP, he's young enough that he could be ordered to seek retraining and any alimony awarded to him would be of limited duration...but you've got to get moving!

 

Don't be making fiscal promises/agreements with him thinking you're easing the blow or merely being generous over the short term.. your short term temp help could become the default alimony order.

[Star11]

I have read many of your threads and I must admit your XW and STBXW are not nice people. I never, ever considered an affair...I've thought about it...after 20 years who wouldn't?? However, I never acted on it.

 

I just feel very guilty over this whole mess, as I am sure I should, and want to find a way for both of us to move on. I can't help but feeling that by trying to alleviate or to mitigate my own guilt, I am offering to "help", and that it may serve to make matters worse for him. Right now, he pretty much has nothing, no close friends (location-wise), no job, no...nothing.

 

A little more history - his lack of work has caused us to lose our house. We will be beginning foreclosure proceedings shortly, I would imagine. We have already leased a new place, and are starting to move. The new lease and what-nots were in place before we had our separation conversation in February, so we are both on it. He has told me that he will move out once he finds a job in say 5 to 6 months, when he can get his s**t together. I just wonder if that is the best decision for either one of us...

 

I fear that moving in together, even as "roommates" will prolong the "agony" for both of us. I have stated my feelings for not wanting to work on this marriage right now. I am so in a "stop the world I want to get off" moment, and he is in desperate "fix my marriage " mode.

 

I realize what you all must think of me or women like me, but I feel that your input is important, especially since most of you are men. I would appreciate any of your thoughts about this...If I have gotton too far off topic, let me know and I'll explain. Thanks for your candor and replies thus far.

[soserious1]

I have read many of your threads and I must admit your XW and STBXW are not nice people. I never, ever considered an affair...I've thought about it...after 20 years who wouldn't?? However, I never acted on it.

 

I just feel very guilty over this whole mess, as I am sure I should, and want to find a way for both of us to move on. I can't help but feeling that by trying to alleviate or to mitigate my own guilt, I am offering to "help", and that it may serve to make matters worse for him. Right now, he pretty much has nothing, no close friends (location-wise), no job, no...nothing.

 

A little more history - his lack of work has caused us to lose our house. We will be beginning foreclosure proceedings shortly, I would imagine. We have already leased a new place, and are starting to move. The new lease and what-nots were in place before we had our separation conversation in February, so we are both on it. He has told me that he will move out once he finds a job in say 5 to 6 months, when he can get his s**t together. I just wonder if that is the best decision for either one of us...

 

I fear that moving in together, even as "roommates" will prolong the "agony" for both of us. I have stated my feelings for not wanting to work on this marriage right now. I am so in a "stop the world I want to get off" moment, and he is in desperate "fix my marriage " mode.

 

I realize what you all must think of me or women like me, but I feel that your input is important, especially since most of you are men. I would appreciate any of your thoughts about this...If I have gotton too far off topic, let me know and I'll explain. Thanks for your candor and replies thus far.

 

Ok, time for come to Jesus truth telling here.

 

 

1. You want out, whether your reasons and motivations are good, bad is not the point here. You have decided the marriage is over, trying to sugar coat this or make nice isn't going to make him happy about this situation. Reality time, he's going to have to man up and get a job or he's going to starve.

 

2. His lack of a job is NOT the sole cause of you two losing your house, your failure as a couple to be proactive 1 yr into his not working is... you guys should have unloaded that house 4 yrs ago when it was became clear his unemployment was going to be long term. You were also probably in too much house to begin with. I'm divorced, pay alimony and still reside in the home that I did during my marriage because I sat down prior to buying and calculated how much house I could afford based on only my base income, not counting any contract work.

 

 

3. You have decided it's over, your finances are in total shambles.. imho there's no better time than the present to get out from under. I would first make a fearless and very detailed list of your debts. I'd consult with a lawyer on a divorce and on possibly doing a bankruptcy so that going forward you both have as fresh a start as possible. Keep in mind that if you're in a community property state creditors WILL come after YOU for debts even if they were solely incurred by your husband. If it were me I think the 1st issue I'd take on would be the debts, filing BK jointly.

 

 

4. I'd somehow break that rental lease.. stay in your current home till you're served with papers ordering you out. They don't just boot you out after missing a few payments, I know people who haven't paid a house note in over a year who are still nowhere close to being evicted that's how clogged up the foreclosure system is. Your credit is going into the toilet over this for the next 10 years might as well get something out of it. You make it crystal clear to hubby that once the sherriff's papers are in hand that you will both be moving..to separate residences.

 

 

5.When it's time to finally move out, you go find a roomate or friend to live with or rent a tiny place for you only

 

 

This guy has flat out told you he's not happy with the idea of you taking a walk, he's angry because then "he won't get to do what he wants to do" ie: if you walk he'll have to get up off his duff and actually look for, get and keep a job. Why you would feel guilty for wanting to get out from under this is beyond me ? If you're losing your house one of 2 things has happened, either you guys have made really poor fiscal choices or you aren't earning enough on your own to support the household. If the salary you're getting now isn't enough to support one household, how in the world would you think you can play the nice guy and support 2 ?

[pelicanpreacher]

He was smart enough to literally drive me to the brink of insanity in order to get me to divorce him, he was smart enough to retain one of our region's toughest divorce lawyers, I doubt he'll be stupid enough to marry again. I also have no doubt that now that he's single he's cheerfully working under the table, he's a skilled tradesperson and probably bring home a nice chunk of change.

 

As to it being tough, yeah it is but it's a lot easier than having to shell out the cash to support him

while still having him here. At least now I can sleep in a nice bed in the master bedroom instead of on the sofa, a year of the sofa got old pretty quick.

 

If you knew that your ex was faking then the best way for you to have disarmed his ability to get alimony would have been to get evidence of his sideline work on tape. Not only would he have been convicted and sentenced for fraud, conspiracy to commit fraud, and maybe racketeering, but he would have also forfeited his right to exact alimony SSD or SSI under the same premise as a consequence to the predicate act.

[Chrome Barracuda]

If you knew that your ex was faking then the best way for you to have disarmed his ability to get alimony would have been to get evidence of his sideline work on tape. Not only would he have been convicted and sentenced for fraud, conspiracy to commit fraud, and maybe racketeering, but he would have also forfeited his right to exact alimony SSD or SSI under the same premise as a consequence to the predicate act.

 

...isnt that exactly what i said before? If she can get him under fraud, she can ruin his chances of ever getting disability and alimony. Also she got to get a good lawyer that will help her with this. And the right judge willing to be fair.

 

If she can videotape his exploits she can level the playing field.

[pelicanpreacher]

...isnt that exactly what i said before? If she can get him under fraud, she can ruin his chances of ever getting disability and alimony. Also she got to get a good lawyer that will help her with this. And the right judge willing to be fair.

 

If she can videotape his exploits she can level the playing field.

 

I apologize for quoting before reading the entire thread. The area of law that I believe would hit him between the eyes is the case of insurance fraud. If she could video tape him lifting heavy objects or engaged in athletic activities (even fishing) along with his side work he might find himself answering to an attorney general willing to cut his teeth to shine in his job! Although the court system may sympathize with him as a jilted divorcee the insurance industry shares no such compassion when it comes to someone milking them of their profits.

 

Once convicted on this front she should be able to reopen her case of alimony to get it reversed on the premise of fraud without breaking a sweat! If she subpenoed all payments rendered for jobs he was involved in that she's documented on videotape and produced evidence of income generated then put a fork in him, he's done.

[n9688m]

How can you love someone but not be willing to give couple's counseling a try?

 

Sounds to me like there is more to the story here and you do not want the marriage to work.

[Star11]

Well, it's been a few months since I originally posted. I am still moving forward with my decision to separate. I continue to read the posts here almost everyday, and I wish some of you out there could talk to my stbxh about his feelings and behavior and ways for him to move on. He says he will never move on, and will always be sad. He says that I still love him, but I don't try and that I just won't let myself...Lord! Am I going crazy??

 

We are still living in the same space. He has finally agreed that he needs to move out as our relationship has become VERY toxic and unhealthy for both of us. He STILL doesn't have a job...just started looking again this week. Gosh! I feel like his mother! I am the one who had to sit down and actually submit the resumes, write the cover letter, fill out the applications...sigh...He has no motivation, so I must continue to push.

 

We have agreed that he is going to move to another state where there are more opportunities and a better cost of living. I am imposing a deadline of July 1st, for him to move out, with or without a job, as I just can't take it anymore.

 

I am trying to stay nice and to be fair. I haven't called him names...he's called me every name in the book. I haven't gotten overly angry...he's thrown things at me. He feels that we should be together forever and that he will wait forever. I should feel flattered, right? Just don't. I realize that a lot of what he has said and done are out of pain, but at what point will he "man-up" and put on his "big boy britches"?!?!?

 

I know there aren't many posters out there in my situation, however, I would love any advice on how to get through the next month. I am so exhausted from him constantly asking me to help him to understand why, and him telling me he loves me and will wait forever. I am at the point where my responses are automatic - "there's nothing I can say that will make you understand" or "I can't forsee or tell the future" or "you are not going to change my mind".

 

Again, any advice would be great...sorry if I rambled, so if anyone has questions, let me know.