ruralcitygrrl Posted April 1, 2009 Posted April 1, 2009 Hello there, This is my first post after lurking as a guest for a little while. I kind of feel a little weird posting a concern since I know that there are plenty of other folks here who have it much worse off than I do and I almost feel that I'm wasting bandwidth. I am typically a happy person and very grateful for my current overall situation. However, I think I'm at a crossroads with this one concern in my life and I need a reality check. I'm in my early 30s, female, and live in a mid-sized college town in a rural area. I moved here awhile ago because it was a good career move and I loved the location and better quality of life. Problem is that I left a long-term-relationship of about 5 years. My former other half didn't want to come with me and was not too keen on the idea of me being the breadwinner in the relationship; it would have been unlikely that he would have found as good of a job here as he had in my former location. I was very unhappy in the place I was living prior to moving here; despite the fact that I, ostensibly, was in a good relationship. He and I were really a good fit in terms of interests, likes/dislikes, politics, religion, education, and viewpoints for our future together-- or so I thought. I have absolutely no desire to restart my former relationship or move back to my former location because, other than this current problem, I'm very happy where I am. However, I'm finding the dating pool here to be extremely lacking. As someone who is over 30, it is frustrating to discover how difficult dating is at this age. In my 20s it was so much easier to find a long-term relationship despite all of the superficialities and trivialities with which 20-somethings concern themselves. Now, the dating pool where I live consists of men who are: divorced and bitter, divorced with children and bitter, troubled by self-esteem issues for whatever reason, party-boys, crazies, those who live at least 100 miles away from my location, and those who are just plain unattractive (either physically, mentally, or both). I've tried online dating-- pay sites, free sites, it's all the same-- as well as trying to get into different activities to meet new people. While I've made some new friends, nothing has worked in the romantic department and I've been single for a little over 2 years. I know I'm still pretty bitter about my former LTR crashing and burning mainly b/c of my desire and need to leave my former location for both career and health reasons. Sometimes I wonder if the fates are punishing me for leaving this guy due to my selfishness and that's why I can't find a suitable gentleman. Compounding all of this could be the following: I'm a nerd; I don't do the bar scene; I'm fairly shy when it comes to going out of my comfort zone; despite consistent daily exercise, I'm still not as thin as I'm certain most men would find attractive; I need to start caring about my appearance a little more; and I'm pretty adamant about not having children (I'm more explicit about this last fact with online dating than with meeting some guy off the street). Admittedly, some of these things I can change and some others I really can't without further compromising my happiness. Why didn't any of this garbage matter to men I met in my 20s? Anyway, this is really the only part of my life that really depresses me and I'm not sure what else I can be doing to fix it other than to leave my current location (which I don't want to do) or resign myself to the fact that I've missed the gravy train in this town and live like a nun for the rest of my life. Any rational advice would be appreciated at this point. Thanks in advance.
Cherished Posted April 1, 2009 Posted April 1, 2009 Hi Boxing! How are you this evening? Nice first post! LOL It's cool that you thought of creating a persona to prove your point! Great idea!
St. Nick Posted April 1, 2009 Posted April 1, 2009 Whenever I have a hard time finding someone I always start by evaluating myself: 1. Why do I want to get into a relationship? 2. Are my standards too strict? 3. Am I being stingy? Am I trying to get more and give little? 4. Am I drawing more people toward me or am I pushing them away? 5. Am I willing to try something new? All of the 5 are essential but the last one is definitely important. Everyone has their own lonely road to travel in life and you're at a part of that road which is extremely unfamiliar to you. Don't look at it as a prison but as a loosening of boundaries. You've already said you feel shy and uncomfortable in unfamiliar surroundings and that's where you hit your first roadblock. You need to overcome it. Until recently, I was really uncomfortable camping. I'm a city guy. I didn't care for any of that roughing it stuff. I did it to please a few friends and we spent spring break at the outdoors in cabins, tents, and dirty motels that looked like the perfect place for a slasher to kill us and hide our bodies. After two weeks I wouldn't say I loved it but I was comfortable: I was fine not showering, brushing, crapping behind bushes, cooking things over fires, seeing, hearing, touching all the disease-ridden animals and insects, etc. These days I'm not such a germophobe (only shower once a day......woo-hoo), have a bigger appreciation for nature, and don't mind going hours without T.V., internet, sports, or beer. After having my little awakening experience I recommend people to stop being such sticklers and try to get into things they are not used to more. Why not go to the bar? Why not go out with the party animal, and become one yourself? Don't see it as punishment to do such things, or as a compromise of your values? Is it possible that your values are too strict or prudish? It's possible that you're looking at potential mates and saying, "if I date them I'd be lowering my standards" and they are all looking at you back and saying the exact same things too themselves? Please don't think I'm judging you harshly but it is possible that you are too prudish and your standards for your men are too strict. I hope you're not judging all these guys with such a scrutinizing eye and take points off for "interests, likes/dislikes, politics, religion, education, and viewpoints for our future together". You might actually like a guy if you give him a chance to be human and have his own opinions on things.
St. Nick Posted April 1, 2009 Posted April 1, 2009 Hi Boxing! How are you this evening? Nice first post! LOL It's cool that you thought of creating a persona to prove your point! Great idea! :confused:
pollywag Posted April 1, 2009 Posted April 1, 2009 He and I were really a good fit in terms of interests, likes/dislikes, politics, religion, education, and viewpoints for our future together-- or so I thought. That's all fine and dandy but when push came to shove your man proved he was not a good partner for you. He was not interested in a true partnership with you, he was interested in having you accompany him while the overall environment did not interfere with his personal goals and interests. That's not a good basis for a relationship. Good riddance to that, you would have never had a solid relationship with him so it was not meant to be. People don't leave people they love for career moves, usually people find a way to incorporate the move with the success of the relationship and staying together. This was not an option here so you now know what your relationship was really worth. Don't feel bad about that, he was not the right guy for you this was the ultimate test for a relationship and he was not ready to be your partner through thick and thin therefore you had nothing. You are happy, you are where you need to be in every sense, now go out there and find another man. Do internet dating, there are plenty men willing to relocate, join charity groups of interest and attend their events, it is the best way to meet like minded people. Go to the charity events/fundraisers put on by local hospitals and special organizations, you meet the best kinds of people at these things. You have your whole life ahead of you, if it doesn't pan out here you can always move again. Dating is difficult because you chose to live in an area that lacks available men. So find arenas where more available men are and go there.
Cherished Posted April 1, 2009 Posted April 1, 2009 Guys,don't fall for this. It's a troll, not a real poster. It's either Boxing or clv. Possibly samspade. This is not obvious by the "I was too selfish because I traveled to career and my boyfriend wanted to be the breadwinner" comment??? Give me a freaking break. Then there's the little dig to herself about not being as attractive because of not being perfectly stick thin anymore and that not being as attractive to men, give me a friggin' break.
pollywag Posted April 1, 2009 Posted April 1, 2009 You are probably right Cherished, in fact EVEN better if this is a phony post. If just demonstrates what I am about to say even more clearly. The advice I posted still stands fake scenario or true conundrum. The example is of someone who was in a dead end relationship, and who is very focused on her career and is happy with her choices in life. She happens to have moved to an area where it is harder to meet men, so it proves nothing in terms of the problems 30 yr old women have. It just proves that for this particular woman the area she chose to live in is harder for dating than other areas. There are probably women without careers in the same predicament living in the same area as Ruralgirl and they are WAY worse off with no career, no independence and no men. The message to all young women out there is: Always have a career and your own education to fall back upon because without that you will never be free of depending on a man to have a life. Life can be just as happy when you are alone and in between relationships, it's all in what you choose to focus on and how you choose to build your life. Same message for men. Don't rely on anyone else for your own personal happiness.
moman Posted April 1, 2009 Posted April 1, 2009 And even if it is a true post, this girl gave up a stable relationship with a guy she liked for what, 5-10K a year? I'd happily trade a little money for a great relationship. Pollywag you blamed the guy for not wanting to move, but why is that? If they met in that town, were dating in that town, he had roots, job, etc, there is no reason why his refusal to move is any worse than her deciding to move. It's hard to uproot friends and jobs just to move to make a little bit more money. It seems this post perfectly describes the situation we've been discussing all week of 30+ women bitter about being single, when she purposely chose money over a mate.
Cherry Blossom 35 Posted April 1, 2009 Posted April 1, 2009 Guys,don't fall for this. It's a troll, not a real poster. It's either Boxing or clv. Possibly samspade. This is not obvious by the "I was too selfish because I traveled to career and my boyfriend wanted to be the breadwinner" comment??? Give me a freaking break. Then there's the little dig to herself about not being as attractive because of not being perfectly stick thin anymore and that not being as attractive to men, give me a friggin' break. Wow, spot on Cherished.
Woggle Posted April 1, 2009 Posted April 1, 2009 Women over 30 and 40 can easily find a good relationship but they have to understand men at that age which the OP clearly doesn't. At your age most men have already been through the meatgrinder despite the fact that they treated women well and it creates some bitterness. This bitterness does not just come from nowhere and the sooner you understand that the sooner a good partner will bring down those walls for you. You do give iff this attitude of looking down on men for being human and having scars and many women do which is why men tend to stay clear. They have been chewed up and spit out by women that did not allow them to be human and whether you mean or not that is the vibe you give off and they don't want more of the same.
Jaytb Posted April 1, 2009 Posted April 1, 2009 Hi Boxing! How are you this evening? Nice first post! LOL It's cool that you thought of creating a persona to prove your point! Great idea! I owe ya for saving me the read. lol
Author ruralcitygrrl Posted April 1, 2009 Author Posted April 1, 2009 This post is so fake it's funny. Hmmm... thanks for the warm welcome Ruby Slippers and Cherished! Perhaps there is something to your responses; however, in order not to feed future trolling from either of you, I will not dignify your comments with any further response. Anyway, thanks for your reflections and welcome to my ignore list . Peace!
Cherry Blossom 35 Posted April 1, 2009 Posted April 1, 2009 You are probably right Cherished, in fact EVEN better if this is a phony post. If just demonstrates what I am about to say even more clearly. The advice I posted still stands fake scenario or true conundrum. The example is of someone who was in a dead end relationship, and who is very focused on her career and is happy with her choices in life. She happens to have moved to an area where it is harder to meet men, so it proves nothing in terms of the problems 30 yr old women have. It just proves that for this particular woman the area she chose to live in is harder for dating than other areas. There are probably women without careers in the same predicament living in the same area as Ruralgirl and they are WAY worse off with no career, no independence and no men. The message to all young women out there is: Always have a career and your own education to fall back upon because without that you will never be free of depending on a man to have a life. Life can be just as happy when you are alone and in between relationships, it's all in what you choose to focus on and how you choose to build your life. Same message for men. Don't rely on anyone else for your own personal happiness. Very good advice, Pollywag. Truth is, there are parts of that post that I could have written. I left a wonderful man in my mid-20's who treated me like gold AND happened to make bank. Problem was- I felt like he was my brother. Also, we had some differences in in outlook on life that I was not completely comfortable with. I do live in a very difficult city for dating, too. It would have been so easy to say, wow, I never should have left him. But inside I knew that he was not the right man for me, and I could never have been the best partner for him when I had those feelings. I moved away, built a life for myself, did things and met people I never would have had I stayed with him. I think the world of him, but it was not the right RL for me. I'm glad I followed my own path. I've been able to do amazing things. I happened to meet a pretty awesome guy, someone who works well with me. But if this doesn't work out? I will be sad for a while, but not for too long. My life is too valuable to be wasted on regrets.
pollywag Posted April 1, 2009 Posted April 1, 2009 I owe ya for saving me the read. lol Relate this back to your thread of earlier, remember the one you were asking "but where does all this happen?" Now do you see it? Yawwwwwwwwwn. But play along anway... Pollywag you blamed the guy for not wanting to move, but why is that? If they met in that town, were dating in that town, he had roots, job, etc, there is no reason why his refusal to move is any worse than her deciding to move. It's hard to uproot friends and jobs just to move to make a little bit more money. Because if he can pick his hometown over a scarifice of making his woman happy in her career goals, then neither of them really want to be with each other, their own personal comfort is more important than the life sacrifices they can make to be together. Simple as that. He is not better than she is and vice versa.
OpenBook Posted April 1, 2009 Posted April 1, 2009 Any rational advice would be appreciated at this point. Thanks in advance. OK, I'll bite. I think you should forget your ex-f*ckup and move AGAIN, to a larger city with more happening and a larger pond of available guys to fish from. I hear the ratio's of men to women are higher in the West/Midwest. (I'm assuming you live in the US.)
Jaytb Posted April 1, 2009 Posted April 1, 2009 Relate this back to your thread of earlier, remember the one you were asking "but where does all this happen?" Now do you see it? Yawwwwwwwwwn. But play along anway... haha. When you read this, did you find it insulting? (you probably did, of what I read it didn't look too flattering). Now I'm left scratching my head as to why anyone would be this immature.
pollywag Posted April 1, 2009 Posted April 1, 2009 haha. When you read this, did you find it insulting? (you probably did, of what I read it didn't look too flattering). Now I'm left scratching my head as to why anyone would be this immature. Sorry, when I read what did I find it insulting? missed what you mean here....
Cherished Posted April 1, 2009 Posted April 1, 2009 Even if this post were real...she still stated that she didn't wish to revisit the old relationship....they were alike in politics,etc....but she doesn't express heartbreak of any kind like they were in love....so basically the OP is stating she should have settled with a man she wasn't in love with and who didn't love her. Still not buying it. HI BOXING!!!
Author ruralcitygrrl Posted April 1, 2009 Author Posted April 1, 2009 You're right, St. Nick, perhaps I am being too prudish and self-righteous; now that I read the last part of your post, there was one prospect that I'm certain I pushed away because I couldn't allow him to be "human." Alcoholism runs in my family-- I've seen too many of my other family members get royally screwed up because of it. Therefore, I don't drink and I don't feel comfortable around it because on a visceral level I feel it's not right. I have obviously learned to cope with this; I do go to parties with friends and will occasionally go to a bar if invited. I still feel uncomfortable with it especially when people get more than tipsy though. Please don't think I'm judging you harshly Hehe! Considering that everyone else here thinks that my post was fake, you're fine .
pollywag Posted April 1, 2009 Posted April 1, 2009 Thanks Cherry! I think men can relate to this post too, because men are often faced with career choices like this as well. Look it doesn't matter if this is a fake, it's a great example for all women out there who feel that they need to compromise their dreams and goals to appease a man or relationship that is simply not right for them anyway. Don't give up your dreams and goals for the sake of someone you are not sure of, because if you cannot achieve your goals and dreams next to the person you love then that relationship is not meant to be for you. When there is true love and understanding and support, and a need to make a life together even through change you find a way to compromise your own needs. It's a give and take and you take turns supporting each other in the goals each one wants to achieve. Healthy relationships are not one way streets. Political views, interests and attraction mean nothing if you cannot compromise to make your lives work together and in the same direction.
Author ruralcitygrrl Posted April 1, 2009 Author Posted April 1, 2009 Look it doesn't matter if this is a fake, it's a great example for all women out there who feel that they need to compromise their dreams and goals to appease a man or relationship that is simply not right for them anyway. Thanks for taking my post seriously; I appreciate all of what you've written so far .
Cherished Posted April 1, 2009 Posted April 1, 2009 If this is a real post, and I'm still not convinced, then you must not be that attractive. Also you tend to lable men...all the are single and bitter...or divorced and bitter...etc. etc. etc. You are giving excuses and not having an open mind. I livein a smaller town than you, I date men in a bigger city an hour away. Since it sounds like you're not the most attractive woman, you might have to have more of an openmind.
donnamaybe Posted April 1, 2009 Posted April 1, 2009 Hmmm... thanks for the warm welcome Ruby Slippers and Cherished! Perhaps there is something to your responses; however, in order not to feed future trolling from either of you, I will not dignify your comments with any further response. Anyway, thanks for your reflections and welcome to my ignore list . Peace! Yup, Cherished, you hit the nail RIGHT on the head. A BRAND new poster who welcomes someone to their ignore list immediately. LMAO
soserious1 Posted April 1, 2009 Posted April 1, 2009 I'm not going to get into the argument over whether or not the OP posted a fake situation in order to troll. I will say this, I'm in my early 50's and being true to myself concerning my career and ambitions job wise has NEVER failed me. You might well meet a prince who makes the big bucks and comes and sweeps you off your feet.. but even princes get laid off ,become disabled or even die prematurely. Having developed and kept up your career can be vital to your family's simple survival should any of these things happen. My career enabled me to educate my children, one of them to PH.D level. I'm divorced now and pay alimony.. which stinks but it's a lot better than being divorced and sitting there anxiously wondering if the alimony check will be arriving this month or not. As for your interests, there's nothing wrong with being a nerd or in being soft spoken and shy, imho too many people enter social situations with their ears closed and their mouths opened. In any new situation I always take note of who looks quiet,attentive and thoughtful..these are the people who I want to know better. Be yourself, follow your own path, if you meet somebody along the way chances are pretty good that you will be compatible ..opposites might attract but having major interests and life goals in common makes for better LTR material.
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