jnj express Posted March 27, 2009 Posted March 27, 2009 Hey confused---I hit you with a pretty hard 2x4 a few posts back, but i think you know now that you deserved it. But it is time to try to see if you can cure your yourself, by that i mean you can't fix what is wrong with you, till you know the really down deep WHY you had this affair. 1st--you are a grown adult so you know certain things which are givens---such as---You know that most A. lead to the ruination of many of the mge,s of the participants of the A. You also should know that many consider an EA just as bad if not worse than a PA, all that is missing are the visions of their partner with another person. You know the worse possible thing you could ever do in an A is to bring the OM, into YOUR OWN HOME ESPECIALLY WITH YOUR KIDS THERE. Yet you did all of these things WHY---Deep down Why, don't tell me it was your mge. You know all mge's that have existed for a period of time become stale and somewhat boring, the passion is gone, THAT DOESN'T MEAN THE LOVE IS GONE. You also need to stop thinking and talking about this OM, whether you like it or not he is a lowlife snake, and i apoligize to the snake family, This guy you think is so wonderful, scored, and that is all he did, What decent self respecting man would wreck to families, but that is just what this guy you think is so wonderful did---- You said contact was made on the internet, WHO INIATED THAT CONTACT HIM OR YOU--- If he was not a slimeball he would have had dinner with you, talked about old times, and gone his merry way, but that didn't happen did it. STOP DEFENDING THIS POS. As to your future, you have seen how your H. has reacted to finding out about the EA, and the worse part of it is HE HAD TO FIND OUT FROM SOMEONE ELSE.----If he finds out about your PA, if think your mge. is over. Your daughter is a ticking timebomb, one of these days she is going to figure out what you did, she will know you lied to her, and she will know you cheated on her father. If you want to keep your daughter at least you need to tell your H. what happened, tell your daughter she did see another man in the house and just come clean. At least when it is all out you will start to heal. This guilt is eating you alive. But the real question here is WHY, Why did you run to this man, why did you have repeated sex with him, why did you bring him into your home. You knew all of these things were wrong, you knew what the result could or now will be. Yet you persisted in having the A. Why, and don't tell me it was for love, and physical contact, you were getting those from your H.
sadintexas Posted March 27, 2009 Posted March 27, 2009 I understand what you mean, but I've never done anything like this before and I didn't mean to hurt anyone. I think part of my punishment is that I'm now the one who is very hurt along with my husband. I'm a good mother too, I'm dedicated to my kids. I can't all of a sudden become a bad person because I made a bad choice, can I? Please don't tell me that. I've been reading this and even as a FOW this is getting to me. In every post I've seen up up to and including this one you are still looking to pin it on someone else. YOU are responsible for YOUR actions. A couple of points...you said you're afraid of being alone which is why you don't want your H to know the full truth. Guess what? You're still being selfish. You don't care that he NEEDS to know the truth and DESERVES to know the truth at this point in the game. In my book, you are NOT acting like a good mother when you bring a man into your home and have sex with him when your children are home and THEN GASLIGHT your daughter to make her believe she didn't see what she saw. You may be a good person who has made some bad choices, but you are still not truly owing those choices and truly making amends. Think about it.
sadintexas Posted March 27, 2009 Posted March 27, 2009 Something that crossed my mind...how do you KNOW that all the MMW told your H about is the EA? How do you KNOW that they don't all know about the PA and he's testing you to see if you will be honest with him? How do you KNOW that he isn't giving you this opportunity to own up to this and he is making his decisions right now on whether or not to keep this marriage based on what actions you take right now? Have you thought that your lack of telling him might be the actual thing that results in your worst fear which is being alone? He might know much more than he's willing to let on right now because he doesn't trust you and might want to know how far you're willing to go to keep betraying him. If you think that's unrealistic, think again.
Author confusedmomnb Posted March 27, 2009 Author Posted March 27, 2009 My husband and I had a long talk last night, he did most of the talking and told me that he was willing to give me a chance but I had to make my life completely transparent to him. I needed to give him all of my passwords to myspace and and any account that I use to communicate to people. I agreed. I was feeling relieved and that we can make this work. He wants me to go to counseling which I told him I signed up for already. He seemed pleased, but said he doesn't want to go to MC until I complete some work on my own. He didn't want me to do much talking and got up from the room and walked out. I felt somewhat relieved and chickened out telling him more before he walked away. We are sleeping in the same bed but it's been very cold. I was ok until I found a text this morning from MM. It said that he wasn't trying to bother me, but that he had a good reason to suspect that a private detective was looking into him. He's fine with work and everything else and he said he and his wife are doing great. In fact, he said he asked her directly if she was planning on leaving him and did she hire someone. She said no, that things were going well in MC and that she was fine. Do you think my husband would have hired someone to check me out? I'm nervous again considering the topic of discussion from last night. This is like a nightmare that won't end.
2sure Posted March 27, 2009 Posted March 27, 2009 ...and told me that he was willing to give me a chance but I had to make my life completely transparent to him. I needed to give him all of my passwords to myspace and and any account that I use to communicate to people. I agreed. I was ok until I found a text this morning from MM. If you don't show your H this text of OM - you are beyond helping yourself. Complete Transparency was your H's only condition. If at the first opportunity you betray him on this...you dont stand a chance.
Author confusedmomnb Posted March 27, 2009 Author Posted March 27, 2009 I think he hired a private eye. That's pretty scary to me. I will tell him.
2sure Posted March 27, 2009 Posted March 27, 2009 Hiring the PI is no big deal. I did it. Most people with any resources to do so simply find it more convenient than doing the research themselves. I just wanted the OW to not be an unknown to me. Your H is probably gatering information and may ultimately confront (as in speak to) OM. Telling your H about the text message will SHOW him you are willing to particpate in recovery.
GorillaTheater Posted March 27, 2009 Posted March 27, 2009 Do you think my husband would have hired someone to check me out? I'm nervous again considering the topic of discussion from last night. He may have. If you need another reason to be absolutely truthful about everything including the PA, this is it. If he finds out the truth from anyone but you, you're done. He needs complete transparency, seemed to have been pretty clear on that point, and you'd better damn well give it to him. And yeah, show him the OM's email. Look at it this way: if you're completely upfront with the truth, your marriage has maybe a 20% chance of surviving. If you hold back, at all, the marriage has no chance. At all. But it's not clear to me that you want the marriage to survive. Maybe you just don't want to make the call, and would be content with the role of "victim" (in your mind even if in nobody else's) if your husband decides on a divorce.
Owl Posted March 27, 2009 Posted March 27, 2009 You had your talk with your H. Did you confess the PA side of the affair to him then? If you didn't...that also is not living "transparently". It's still lying to him. If you did...you didn't mention it in your update. Agreed with others on the text thing...not at all unusual...but it WAS a way for OM/MM to "phish" for contact with you. Ignore the text, show it to your H before you delete it, tell your H you have NO intentions of responding, and keep working on your own marriage here.
Owl Posted March 27, 2009 Posted March 27, 2009 Just caught that you think your H may have hired the PI. Why does that scare you? If you've told the full truth, there's nothing to fear, right?
whichwayisup Posted March 27, 2009 Posted March 27, 2009 Now is the time to tell your H everything...And I mean everything and that includes what text the MM sent you. Show it to him. It's good to be scared, that fear will keep you going..You have alot to lose so remember what's important here..
blueintheface Posted March 27, 2009 Posted March 27, 2009 i think the posters have been EXTREMELY nice to you which surprises me because more remorseful people than you have been chewed on & spit out. Originally Posted by imagine Are you crying because you're busted or because of the damage you've done to your WHOLE family? ?someone who has the bhuddist avator - does it really matter? will what she needs to do to manage the situation at all change based on the answer to this question? yes. because it is the difference between self-actualization and an immature mind. how can she become a better person if she doesn't understand anything. these questions are important. people don't pose them just to be snarky. stop trying to figure out if you're a good or bad person. you're somewhere in between.
lostsunsets Posted March 27, 2009 Posted March 27, 2009 Hopefully he hired a PI, I mean he isn't going to get the truth from you, right? Remember, you are an unrepentant cheater. You didn't tell him about the affair, he found out about it from the OMW. So as far as he's concerned, there is no reason to tell him anything. You would only lie anyways. He will wait till the PI gives him his report. Of course you could go and tell him the truth. But then that's not you, is it?
bentnotbroken Posted March 27, 2009 Posted March 27, 2009 I must admit, I hope he or the om's wife hired the P.I. When Mr. Messy asked me certain things, I lied to keep what I knew a secret until I had more evidence and went to the lawyer. I think you and MM deserve to be busted if you don't come clean on your own.
Author confusedmomnb Posted March 27, 2009 Author Posted March 27, 2009 As I write this, I am shaking. I am very sad about what I've done to my family, to my husband and to my children. I feel about MM's children and wife too. I have been reading and reading out here crying. I know that my husband is a decent man and I've really destroyed him. But I don't have the strength to deal with this and I'm so afraid of everything that will come of this. I'm alone. I'm in the midwest and my family is out west and I've got nowhere to go. I would always turn to my husband for comfort and now I can't. I get it that I did this. I know many of you hate me but I'm trying my best. I will try to talk to him again tonight when he comes home. It's crushing to live like this. I don't think MM was joking with his text today, I think he was serious about a private detective. And I'm sorry that I'm scared, but I am.
stampdaddy Posted March 27, 2009 Posted March 27, 2009 As I write this, I am shaking. I am very sad about what I've done to my family, to my husband and to my children. I feel about MM's children and wife too. I have been reading and reading out here crying. I know that my husband is a decent man and I've really destroyed him. But I don't have the strength to deal with this and I'm so afraid of everything that will come of this. I'm alone. I'm in the midwest and my family is out west and I've got nowhere to go. I would always turn to my husband for comfort and now I can't. I get it that I did this. I know many of you hate me but I'm trying my best. I will try to talk to him again tonight when he comes home. It's crushing to live like this. I don't think MM was joking with his text today, I think he was serious about a private detective. And I'm sorry that I'm scared, but I am. Don't be sorry about being scared, and I wish people would ease up on the harsher words. We have already covered that what you did was wrong, VERY wrong. We have covered that some of it was pretty messed up. We have ALSO given you the BEST advice that you are going to get. BE HONEST!!!! I think you will be.. So now, what me and my peers need to do is help you get there, and once you are "there", where ever "there" becomes, we will help you then too. Here is the fact: the "truth" is like water, it WILL find it's way into this. Whether it is a PI, or the MM's wife, or some other way, it WILL pay you and your husband a visit and NEVER go away. It would be best if it came from you. Keep posting, and at least I (I know others do too) appreciate the honesty that you are sharing with US. It is just time to share it with your husband.
Athena Posted March 27, 2009 Posted March 27, 2009 You're crying and you're scared and you are feeling sorry for yourself.... hmmm... not much has changed there... Yes, you are learning what to say, at minimum, to the posters And nope, I don't hate you at all. I am hoping you will learn, yes.
Untouchable_Fire Posted March 27, 2009 Posted March 27, 2009 I know many of you hate me but I'm trying my best. I will try to talk to him again tonight when he comes home. It's crushing to live like this. I don't think MM was joking with his text today, I think he was serious about a private detective. And I'm sorry that I'm scared, but I am. I would like to see things go well for you. Otherwise I would not be posting her trying to tell you that without honesty... your marriage is over. You've passed up so many chances already to tell the truth that I think your marriage is over. Not because of what you did, but because of what your doing. Even the most spineless wimps will throw you out if you refuse show them that you CAN be honest. But really your going to have to get over your self absorbtion to get to that point... and I don't see a progression in that direction yet.
Bryanp Posted March 27, 2009 Posted March 27, 2009 Why can't you see that all of these things are getting worse and worse because you refuse to tell the truth. Your continued lying is like a cancer that is spreading over your entire body slowly. You need to cut out the cancer. You need to tell the truth and put a stop to all of this madness. I wish you luck.
Author confusedmomnb Posted March 27, 2009 Author Posted March 27, 2009 I am going to speak with my husband tonight. I'm going to show him the text I got this morning and then tell him the rest of the story about what happened. I will be honest and tell him I'm scared and I'm sorry and that I don't want to lose my family. You all have made a lot of sense, I just hope you can see how nervous I am. I can't control my sobbing. Again shaking as I write this. I know I did a bad thing here. I know that. I don't want to lose my babies and I don't want to lose my husband but from what I've been reading that is no longer my choice.
troubadour Posted March 27, 2009 Posted March 27, 2009 You're crying and you're scared and you are feeling sorry for yourself.... hmmm... not much has changed there... Yes, you are learning what to say, at minimum, to the posters And nope, I don't hate you at all. I am hoping you will learn, yes. I second this 100%. Athena... you are such a rare combination of beauty and intellect.
stampdaddy Posted March 27, 2009 Posted March 27, 2009 I am going to speak with my husband tonight. I'm going to show him the text I got this morning and then tell him the rest of the story about what happened. I will be honest and tell him I'm scared and I'm sorry and that I don't want to lose my family. You all have made a lot of sense, I just hope you can see how nervous I am. I can't control my sobbing. Again shaking as I write this. I know I did a bad thing here. I know that. I don't want to lose my babies and I don't want to lose my husband but from what I've been reading that is no longer my choice. This is correct, dear. It is now his choice. Only fair, since it was only YOUR choice to, well, you know... So, did you share with us what the "rest of the story" was regarding this morning?
Author confusedmomnb Posted March 27, 2009 Author Posted March 27, 2009 Thank you. I got the text from MM telling me he thought a private eye was looking into him. That was the story I think you're asking about. I don't know how to confirm this so I'm going to show my husband the text and ask him if he knows this to be true. I don't what else I left out.
stampdaddy Posted March 27, 2009 Posted March 27, 2009 Thank you. I got the text from MM telling me he thought a private eye was looking into him. That was the story I think you're asking about. I don't know how to confirm this so I'm going to show my husband the text and ask him if he knows this to be true. I don't what else I left out. OK.. did you text him back? I guess that is what I meant OR thought you meant.. Listen, you WILL get through this, no matter what happens. There is NO OTHER CHOICE. I know you are scared, and you damn well should be, BUT, you will be OK... Hang in there, do the "right" thing. Allow your husband to react however he reacts. It will be a multitude of reactions and you WILL see his heart ripped out of his soul right before your very eyes. But this is what MUST happen... This will be a long process. His emotions will be all over the board for a very long time, but it WILL pass and calmer seas will prevail.. And this means you STILL could wind up divorced...
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