stampdaddy Posted March 25, 2009 Share Posted March 25, 2009 What a bitch? I told him I wasn't leaving my husband. He was just as willing to stay in this with me. I did love him. That didn't mean I was giving up my marriage for him. I told him not to leave his wife for me. I was clear. I know that I'm getting lots of crap out here for this, but I am just being honest. I didn't want him to disappear, but I wanted him to go away so I could cope. I was weak. He wasn't. now how do you know he wasnt just as weak as you? I dint say you were a bitch, that is your word. I am not calling you names, I am, as the others here are, just flabbergasted by what you are telling us. YOUR words! SUre, you are a good person, none of us know any different. BUT, and a BIG BUT! You were having an AFFAIR, with a married man as well. You were going to continue this affair (which means you were going to continue to have sex with a man NOT your husband) but you were never going to leave your husband.. How in this f**king world does this look to you??? How would this thread look to YOUR HUSBAND? Link to post Share on other sites
Untouchable_Fire Posted March 25, 2009 Share Posted March 25, 2009 Boldjack...I never intended for this to happen, at all. I'm not hateful or mean to people. I've NEVER even considered anything even close to this before. I've been a good wife (til now) and a great mom. I love my kids and do anything and everything for them. I have a great mom and dad and terrific family around me. I do things in the community and all of the normal mom and dad things. The difference between good people and bad people does not solely reside in what they do. The actions you take are a reflection of who you are on the inside... so when you do bad things like this... it means there is something rotting inside you. It's like a cancer, and if you fail to deal with it... the good part of you dies. I've been through this before so believe me when I say this. Good people don't do bad things. It isn't some kind of balancing scale where you can pay for one sin by doing some charity work. If your messed up inside, then all the good things you do are for bad reasons. Honesty is the scalpel you need to remove this disease. I don't care if you husband doesn't feel like talking or what... you make time! You tell him the whole thing... and ask for his forgiveness and a second chance. Make that the first completely unselfish thing you do! The rest can move forward from there. I don't think MM is a bad guy either, I think this just sort of happened and before I knew it I was in too deep. Yes, I have problems with my husband and I've tried to work on that, but this was not my ultimate solution to the problem. Can't good people do bad things? No, by doing bad things... that makes you bad. However, you don't have to be bad... you choose each day... each minute. Just like me... you didn't just fall into this. You made choices and knew this would happen. You either thought you could avoid the consequences, or your husband didn't matter that much to you at the time. This isn't that complicated. Be Honest... chances are he will decide to try again with you. More than likely he will blame himself for all this crap anyway. Link to post Share on other sites
Author confusedmomnb Posted March 25, 2009 Author Share Posted March 25, 2009 I'm scared. Link to post Share on other sites
Untouchable_Fire Posted March 25, 2009 Share Posted March 25, 2009 What a bitch? I told him I wasn't leaving my husband. He was just as willing to stay in this with me. I did love him. That didn't mean I was giving up my marriage for him. I told him not to leave his wife for me. I was clear. I know that I'm getting lots of crap out here for this, but I am just being honest. I didn't want him to disappear, but I wanted him to go away so I could cope. I was weak. He wasn't. None of that matters now. You need to focus on saving your marriage... if you really want it. Look, this guy got caught by his wife... he doesn't care about you that much so he is throwing your A$$ under the bus to save his marriage. What do you expect? Do you think he was in love with you? I've been that guy! I know how this goes! Trust me... he didn't love you that way. Link to post Share on other sites
stampdaddy Posted March 25, 2009 Share Posted March 25, 2009 I'm scared. you should be.. BUT, the "honorable" thing to do now is what we have been telling you. You will be OK in the end, whatever that end is, you won't be IF you just let this take care of itself, and honey, IT WILL. There is no way out of this. It won't just disappear. and you know this. We don't blame you for being scared. We WILL blame you if you don't do the right thing. Link to post Share on other sites
stampdaddy Posted March 25, 2009 Share Posted March 25, 2009 None of that matters now. You need to focus on saving your marriage... if you really want it. Look, this guy got caught by his wife... he doesn't care about you that much so he is throwing your A$$ under the bus to save his marriage. What do you expect? Do you think he was in love with you? I've been that guy! I know how this goes! Trust me... he didn't love you that way. now you don't know that... He was leaving his marriage, right? Link to post Share on other sites
Reggie Posted March 25, 2009 Share Posted March 25, 2009 Being scared is normal, IMO. I represented a lot of crooks and they were scared of the consequences of their actions. We all are when we screw up and get caught. I think you need to come clean and let the chips fall where they may. Your H may want to work on this. But, expect a long, tumoltuous recovery, with lots of pain all around(his , especially). You have to accept that you caused this and you engaged in the affair intentionally. There is no guarranty that your marriage can be saved. Most do not survivie this and many of those marriages that survive, do just that, survive but not thrive. Thye limp along. But, let yoo\ur H make the call with full knowledge. Link to post Share on other sites
Untouchable_Fire Posted March 25, 2009 Share Posted March 25, 2009 I'm scared. Your going to be OK. There are times in life were you just totally f*** up. You just pay the consequences and rebuild. Things will work out. You don't need to be scarred. I have been in your shoes... it's hard... very hard. Believe me when I say you will make it through... and it will get better. now you don't know that... He was leaving his marriage, right? So was I. So are 90% of the married guys in this situation. Very few of us do. Most of us think we are in love as well. Link to post Share on other sites
Author confusedmomnb Posted March 25, 2009 Author Share Posted March 25, 2009 I think he will leave me if I tell him about the PA. I don't want that to happen. But I hear what you are all saying about coming clean. I can't believe this is all happening to me....but I know I did this to myself. I don't want to raise my kids alone. I'm very scared about how this will play out. We've had problems in the past and mc didn't seem to work if I ended up with this other mm. I am embarrassed and very disappointed in myself. Link to post Share on other sites
pkn06002 Posted March 25, 2009 Share Posted March 25, 2009 I think he will leave me if I tell him about the PA. I don't want that to happen. But I hear what you are all saying about coming clean. I can't believe this is all happening to me....but I know I did this to myself. I don't want to raise my kids alone. I'm very scared about how this will play out. We've had problems in the past and mc didn't seem to work if I ended up with this other mm. I am embarrassed and very disappointed in myself. Question for you. Is your only fear that of raising your kids by yourself? Link to post Share on other sites
boldjack Posted March 25, 2009 Share Posted March 25, 2009 Confused, Your fear is a good thing. It shows that you are finally realizing the enormity of what you have done. I believe that you WERE a good person, and you CAN be one again, but ONLY by being honest with your husband. NO MORE LIES!! Please tell him the truth, before someone else does. If he loves you, and you show that you are willing to do ANYTHING to save your marriage, you might have a chance. If he finds out from the OM's wife, it will probably be over. Do the right thing, so you can be that"good person", you used to be. Good Luck Link to post Share on other sites
Author confusedmomnb Posted March 25, 2009 Author Share Posted March 25, 2009 Question for you. Is your only fear that of raising your kids by yourself? I am very afraid of this as a turn out. I told MM when his W first found out that he'd be fine, and work it out and I'd end up alone with the kids. I am very scared of that. Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted March 25, 2009 Share Posted March 25, 2009 OK...for once...stop thinking about yourself!!!!! This whole thread has screamed "me, me, me, me, me!!!!!". Enough of that already. That kind of thinking is what got you here..it's darned sure not going to be what'll get you OUT of this situation. You've received some EXCELLENT advice...from former waywards, former OM/OW, and BS's, former and present. And they are ALL telling you the exact same thing. If you want to stand a chance to move forward at all...you need to stop crying out about how YOU feel...and start worrying about what you're going to do about it. Start worrying about how you can KEEP your husband (if that's what you want). I don't have any advice to add...you've heard it all already. There's nothing left to say at this point, other than knock it off, and start DOING something about it other than crying "woe is me". Link to post Share on other sites
pkn06002 Posted March 25, 2009 Share Posted March 25, 2009 I am very afraid of this as a turn out. I told MM when his W first found out that he'd be fine, and work it out and I'd end up alone with the kids. I am very scared of that. What your husband will walk away from his kids, I don't think so. He may turn his back on you but not his kids. If you are worried about being "stuck" with the kids and it comes to a divorce, give your husband custody. So you will have support or options there, so take that concern off your list. If anything your marriage is already broken you are not going to hurt it anymore than you have. So you might as well throw all the cards on the table and see what happens. Because if you don't tell about the PA and your xOM does you KNOW his wife will tell your husband. It is better to tell than to be caught. Link to post Share on other sites
2sure Posted March 25, 2009 Share Posted March 25, 2009 Confused - When my H cheated on me, the hardest part was not knowing what all I was trying to dealk with. I knew he cheated , but he denied everything I couldnt prove with documentation. Getting thru to him on that, making him admit what he done , was the hardest thing. The thing is this. I knew already. His denials (made to protect me? him?) not only frustrated me but made me , but - I knew we could not face this and recover together until we were at least talking about the same thing. So, you have to be honest. The good news is this: From what you have said, good or bad, YOU were not in love with MM. You were in love with how he made you feel. Your infidelity has to do with your own selfishness of course - but very little to do with MM himself. He could have been anyone. That might help your husband. Link to post Share on other sites
Author confusedmomnb Posted March 25, 2009 Author Share Posted March 25, 2009 I want the kids with me. They are my life line. I hear you about not being about me, but I AM scared. I know I did this but I AM dealing with it to. I am doing what I can for my husband, but as I said, he's very upset right now and there's not much I can do but just pledge my love and hope he hears me. I'm trying. I'm heartbroken and scared. I know I keep saying that but it doesn't change how I feel. Link to post Share on other sites
boldjack Posted March 25, 2009 Share Posted March 25, 2009 2sure, you are one great poster:) Confused, reread everyone's posts and you will know what to do. Remember, selfishness and dishonesty got you into this mess, Concern for others and honesty will get you out. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted March 25, 2009 Share Posted March 25, 2009 Because if you don't tell about the PA and your xOM does you KNOW his wife will tell your husband. It is better to tell than to be caught. Or are you scared to come clean as well because there's a good chance your husband will call MM's wife and tell her the truth that it was more than just an EA? Don't be loyal to the MM..He certainly won't be loyal to you when it comes to saving his own @ss.. The STD check has to happen. I mean, what if you give your H herpes? It is a possibility, so never say never.. Another big reason to tell him the truth. As for being scared and fear of being alone, you'll have family and friends to support you. Let your H feel what he feels, be ready to answer ALL his questions when he talks to you. Stop telling him how sorry you are because right now those words are empty to him. Say stuff like, I'm going to prove to you that we can make this work. I'm going to do individual therapy and fix ME so I can understand why I did this to you and to "us", to our family. I want to change and be a better wife and mother. Bottomline, if you two DO divorce, shared custody is going to happen. He isn't going to give you full custody and nor should you ask for it.. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted March 25, 2009 Share Posted March 25, 2009 Concern for others and honesty will get you out. Others EXCLUDING MM. Whatever happens now over there isn't any of your concern anymore. Don't contact the MM or reply to any of his emails or calls. IF by chance he does contact you, TELL your husband asap. The more of an openbook you are, the better off things will be. If you hide ANYTHING now, it'll just make everything worse. Your loyality has to be to your husband, NOT the MM. Link to post Share on other sites
quankanne Posted March 25, 2009 Share Posted March 25, 2009 nine pages of advice, but you still haven't quite got it: Your affair isn't just about you, but all the people you've betrayed along the way. And so far, every post you've written deals with "you" being blameless for the reasons AND the consequences, as well as worrying about being seen as a good mom and wanted wife now that your sin is out in the open. In a nutshell, you still don't get it. I realize it's probably too soon in your self-journey of discovery to admit that what you've done is selfish and careless, and that you're fully culpable, but you've got to stop lying to yourself. Because when it gets down to the nitty-gritty your husband and kids aren't going to care about anything other than Mama sleeping with someone else for very selfish reasons and putting their family life in jeopardy. should you husband shxt-can you? For his sake, i hope he's got a big, forgiving heart that understands this kind of thing doesn't necessarily mean death of a marriage, but until you get out of your pity-pool and really talk to him about what you did to him and y'alls marriage, that can't even begin to happen. yes, you fouled up, big time. But IMO, it's not as bad about lying to yourself and to your husband when you refuse to let him know the facts so he can figure out the best way to help heal this marriage. You need to respect the other woman for fighting for her marriage in a way you refuse to do so instead of crying about being busted. You may not have meant to hurt anyone when you chose to have and continue this affair, but guess what? you did. and if you're the good, honorable, selfless person you're trying to convince yourself that you are (and in a public forum, at that), you need to come clean so that the healing can start. you're scared, but you've got to ask yourself: Is this marriage worth saving? If so, am I going to give my husband everything he needs (as in divulging EVERYTHING about your affair) so that you can tackle it head on? Otherwise you risk other nasty little bombs detonating when you least expect it, destroying any possibility of true healing of this marriage. it's all in your hands, so seriously consider how you're going to approach things from here on out, including what you post here. Because if this has fallen on deaf ears and you're still trying to convince God and everyone you're not to blame because you're a "good" person ... well, the hope just ain't gonna be there when you attempt to work on your marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
redfathom Posted March 25, 2009 Share Posted March 25, 2009 I hear a lot of me, me, me. The MM's wife didn't bring this to you or your house, you did. Own up to it. And lying to your child and making her seem crazy for seeing someone you told her wasn't there. That is just wrong. So you're allowed to f*ck her husband but she shouldn't be allowed to call your H and have a conversation with him...you're just to selfish for words. Link to post Share on other sites
boldjack Posted March 25, 2009 Share Posted March 25, 2009 Confused, you are being evasive, have you told your H about the PA? Link to post Share on other sites
Author confusedmomnb Posted March 25, 2009 Author Share Posted March 25, 2009 Not yet... Link to post Share on other sites
pkn06002 Posted March 25, 2009 Share Posted March 25, 2009 confusedmomnb what you need to do now is quit posting here and think about your next move is. You have gotten the advice that works, I know from personal experience that following that advice sucks. I had the advantage that I was not caught but confessed. Does not change the fact that in the end the advice here really is the only path you have forward. Your husband knows so no putting that genie back in the bottle. Link to post Share on other sites
stampdaddy Posted March 25, 2009 Share Posted March 25, 2009 do you want me to call him? I'll lay it down for him if it would be easier for ya... Link to post Share on other sites
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