Me of All People

[Athena]

My radar is sounding very loudly for narcissism when I read OP's posts! What she did to her daughter by trying to convince the child that she did not see what she saw, is really bad. I cannot believe any good mother would hurt her child's sense of reality just to get some sex on the side! Your kids should come first, not your selfish needs fulfilled outside your M.

 

In my opinion, your OM's wife did the right thing to contact your H, because it wouldn't have taken you too long to go back to OM for some more, right? Now you cannot.

 

I suggest you stop crying & saying you don't know what to do. You know what to do, you just don't want to, because you (of all people) feel you don't deserve any fallout or consequences (punishment) for your actions (because you are so special, right? this screams Narcissist).

[jnj express]

Hey confused, and you really are confused----It is common knowledge, and RECOMMENDED, that the way to kill an affair is for the betrayed spouse to tell the other betrayed spouse. 1st H. has every right to know what kind of person he is living with. Do you feel good about coming home night after night looking your H. in the eyes and treating him like everything is normal, letting him believe you are his WONDERFUL GOOD SPOUSE, as you spread your legs for the scumbag you were cheating with. 2nd you have to be kidding to tell us you are a "good person", does a good person break her vows, does a good person BRING A STRANGE MAN INTO HER HOME AND SLEEP WITH HIM, WITH HER TWO CHILDREN IN THE HOUSE. What kind of a good person are you, let's see oh your the good person that breaks her vows, your the good person who could care less about hurting her innocent husband and children. I doubt that you have enough gumption to read all this, but for sure the other betrayed spouse HAS EVERY RIGHT TO LET YOUR HUSBAND KNOW YOU FOR WHAT YOU ARE. A GOOD PERSON YOU AIN'T.

[confusedmomnb]

I am a good person. If people knew that I did this who are close to me found out, they'd be shocked. I am the mom that all the other kids love to hang out with. And you don't know me. I'm not saying my H and I don't have problems, but we understood each others shortcomings and we were able to live with them.

 

MM was so kind and charming. He and I just connected and I fell for him. I wasn't looking for anything and I don't think he was either. I did tell him that sometimes my husband didn't listen to me or pay attention to things I thought were important, and MM did.

 

I don't know what I could ever write out here to defend myself about my daughter. I have no answers for that. She and I have a great relationship. I do worry that she will say something one day. I don't know if my H could ever get over knowing that MM was in the house let alone that something happened. I am sooooo scared to tell him.

 

Last night was nerve wracking. I was trying to talk to him, but he didn't want to talk to me. We are trying to be normal in front of the kids but I know that there is tension in the house. I was trying to smile for the kids but I sense that they know mom and dad are not in a good place.

 

I know some of you out here hate me for what I've done, but I'm afraid to even talk to my best friend about this and my mother would be so disappointed. I don't have a lot of options so I came here. I didn't expect so much anger with me. I know I've done some bad things here, so did MM.

 

And I'm sorry that I wanted to wish this away. I was hoping that time and distance would make it all better. Now I have to confront this head on. I'm very afraid.

[jwi71]

How old is your daughter?

 

All it takes is for her to say anything about another man in the house for your H to sickeningly put it together - a PA. On top of that, he will then know that YOU cheated and got caught by your daughter...meaning the kids were home at least once.

 

This is NOT a good way for him to find out. There is no good way but to learn of it from your daughter is possibly the worst. And a risk you take.

 

Maybe it is easiest to start by talking with your parents and siblings. Confess to them and see if they have any advice for you. Now more than ever do you need your family and your friends.

 

Good luck but your current path leads straight to ruination. Your ONLY hope is total and complete honesty.

 

And, once your H learns of the PA, he may file for D. And in so doing, you will not be "stuck" with the kids and left w/o support...this isn't Japan (and if you are in Japan you're screwed). US courts may or may not award spousal support (alimony). A visitation schedule will be created and assets divided.

 

Or...maybe your H is strong enough to try and save whatever is left between you. Maybe he can live with it and move forward.

 

One last time, to echo virtually EVERY poster before me...you MUST tell it all.

[Untouchable_Fire]

I am a good person. If people knew that I did this who are close to me found out, they'd be shocked. I am the mom that all the other kids love to hang out with. And you don't know me. I'm not saying my H and I don't have problems, but we understood each others shortcomings and we were able to live with them.

 

It doesn't matter what you did before. It's what you do from here out that will define you moving forward. Keep that in mind.

 

Also, clearly you and your husband failed to accept each others shortcomings. Otherwise you wouldn't be here.

 

MM was so kind and charming. He and I just connected and I fell for him. I wasn't looking for anything and I don't think he was either. I did tell him that sometimes my husband didn't listen to me or pay attention to things I thought were important, and MM did.

 

I've been that guy. He knew what he was doing from step 1.

 

I don't know what I could ever write out here to defend myself about my daughter. I have no answers for that. She and I have a great relationship. I do worry that she will say something one day. I don't know if my H could ever get over knowing that MM was in the house let alone that something happened. I am sooooo scared to tell him.

 

You seem like a massive conflict avoider. You need to step up now and tell him. Take it on the chin if you have to. The pain is only short term.

 

I don't think you should give him details though.

 

Last night was nerve wracking. I was trying to talk to him, but he didn't want to talk to me. We are trying to be normal in front of the kids but I know that there is tension in the house. I was trying to smile for the kids but I sense that they know mom and dad are not in a good place.

 

You need to force him to listen. Believe me... when you tell him that you have something to confess, his ears will perk up and he will listen.

 

Answer his questions without graphic detail... then let him process. Chances are your marriage will survive... most of these guys are pussies and are afraid of divorce.

 

I know some of you out here hate me for what I've done, but I'm afraid to even talk to my best friend about this and my mother would be so disappointed. I don't have a lot of options so I came here. I didn't expect so much anger with me. I know I've done some bad things here, so did MM.

 

Some might hate you. They might hate you for wearing purple too... who cares? Focus on the ones who are important.

 

And I'm sorry that I wanted to wish this away. I was hoping that time and distance would make it all better. Now I have to confront this head on. I'm very afraid.

 

It's for the best! Just make that talk happen, because if you let it slide and he hears about it from MM's wife... your butt is toast. He won't trust you ever again... and you will seem like the worlds biggest liar.

 

Go tell him.

[bentnotbroken]

I am a good person. If people knew that I did this who are close to me found out, they'd be shocked. I am the mom that all the other kids love to hang out with. And you don't know me. I'm not saying my H and I don't have problems, but we understood each others shortcomings and we were able to live with them.

 

MM was so kind and charming. He and I just connected and I fell for him. I wasn't looking for anything and I don't think he was either. I did tell him that sometimes my husband didn't listen to me or pay attention to things I thought were important, and MM did.

 

I don't know what I could ever write out here to defend myself about my daughter. I have no answers for that. She and I have a great relationship. I do worry that she will say something one day. I don't know if my H could ever get over knowing that MM was in the house let alone that something happened. I am sooooo scared to tell him.

 

Last night was nerve wracking. I was trying to talk to him, but he didn't want to talk to me. We are trying to be normal in front of the kids but I know that there is tension in the house. I was trying to smile for the kids but I sense that they know mom and dad are not in a good place.

 

I know some of you out here hate me for what I've done, but I'm afraid to even talk to my best friend about this and my mother would be so disappointed. I don't have a lot of options so I came here. I didn't expect so much anger with me. I know I've done some bad things here, so did MM.

 

And I'm sorry that I wanted to wish this away. I was hoping that time and distance would make it all better. Now I have to confront this head on. I'm very afraid.

 

 

You are right, none of us know you personally. We can only go by what you posted. And from what you posted, it makes a lot of us not only uncomfortable, but in my case angry. I don't understand(and probably never will)people who hurt children...in any fashion. It isn't about hating you, I don't know you enough to hate you(though God won't allow me to hate anyway, but I do have extreme dislike for certain people)but I do know that our actions are dictated by our thoughts and what is in our hearts. You know your thoughts become actions, actions become patterns, patterns become character, and character is who you are. I agree with the poster who sees narcissistic tendencies in your post. There is the outer person and the real person.

 

The things hidden in your heart is the real person. Go back and read all your post and see what the real person really did to so many people. It doesn't change the pain you caused others, because you didn't intend to cause it.(even if you said you didn't care if you got caught) Your intentions don't change the damage. Your intentions doesn't change the fact that this is going to get worse before it gets better or that the pain has only just begun.

 

Defensive mechanisms aren't going to change the facts. It is time to deal with it.....now.

[troubadour]

People, people, people...

 

I wonder when you are going to realize that you are wasting your time... she likes the attention she is getting on this board but it is clear she is not going to follow your advice.

[confusedmomnb]

I've been reading and processing everything. EVERYTHING. This is hard. I didn't intend but I know what the results are now.

 

I never said I wanted to get caught, another poster said that about themselves. I wanted this to just go away, why would I have wanted to get caught.

 

I have been trying to get the nerve up to fess up to my husband, but this is really hard. I am really scared. I am posting to help me understand this better. Like I said, I'm ashamed to go to my mom and I don't have a sister to lean on. I'm very sad, I don't sleep and I'm scared of losing everything in my life.

 

I tried last night to talk to him but he had a cold shoulder. I'm trying to give him space.

 

I've been crying for so long now, I have don't have much left in tears. I'm so, so sad.

[2sure]

OK , I get it. In fact, even not knowing you - I think I get it completely.

 

My H is a good person. He is honest, has integrity, family values, a pillar of the community, adores me. He cheated on me.

 

My H has all of those good qualities. He is also a narcissist. His perception is skewed. Contrary to popular belief, that doesnt make him an axe murderer. But by both of us acknowledging this - we (mostly him) have been able to deal with it effectively. A post for another time.

 

Ive wrapped my head around it and we have recovered.

 

You understand completely what you have done. OK. You are scared, which is the point you repeat in every post.

 

You are not here for any advice other that HOW TO GET OUT OF THIS.

The redundancy of your posts to given responses makes this pretty clear.

 

OK, fair enough. How do you "make this go away"?

Depends. Is this possibly the straw that broke the camels back? Not another affair perhaps. Are you asking how to talk your way out of this one? Thats OK too. We are after all, anonymous.

 

The thing is that scared or not, desperate or not - you are going to have to DO something this time.

[STILL WONDERING]

I am that husband that was cheated after 13 years, and it is so hard to get over, i check her phone , texts, and even thought about getting a cell phone spy. But i am tired of wasting my energy on that stuff. Cheatin is just plain wrong, turn the tables and see how u would like to know youre husband was in another woman, the visual part is the hardest. I was not there for my wife, and what started as phone talk, turned into he was not happy in his relationship, more personal, and , wham.

I am trying to get over this and it is hard. I do feel like we talk more openly about the way we feel.communication has to be there and cause it is not you as my wife says start to develop an emmotional connection, this other person used to put her up on a pedestal and tell her how wonderful she was while i was arguing, coming in late and not listening to her, and knockin her down.i had the warning signs like she told me i was like her room mate, and one day while arguing she pulled out a piece of paper and said write down the things you do for me and this family, and all i had was take the garbage to the road. I was spoiled she did everything. She had ended it and he would call again, he kinda would not go away,he wanted to leave his wife and her leave me so they could be together. I think as a last attempt he spilled the beans thinkin i was gonna leave her, and yes i was very close, but i love her and have loved her for 17 years now. We were riding a thin line on saying divorce, but after it all come out we dont argue as much, our arguments have been verbal, physical, throwing stuff, knives, it is almost like we were going crazy, i found out she had a lot of resentment towards me and that snake on the other end of the phone was fueling the majority of our problems. Anyway ,,, if you love youre husband , stay with him, shower him with love( emmotionally and physically ). If wants to look at youre phone, let him. Remember you caused the non trust issue, and do not let youre self get into a situation that can lead to cheating. Yeah u enjoyed this other personmaking u feel sexy and hot, and look where it got ya. How do think he feels if all youre friends find out, he will feel like an idiot, and how about when you see mrs. So and so at the market and she whispers to a frind. You caused a lot of hurt and you better take the responsibility for youre actions..... Good luck on youre marriage ,, cause god only knows i am working on mine

[Athena]

ah misunderstanding... never mind

[quankanne]

it's time to put on your big girl panties and deal with it. As is putting aside all the "poor me" reasons you've given so you can avoid confrontation. Simply telling your husband EVERYTHING, even if you have to do it in a letter. Because the two of you will never move past this stage if you're only looking out for your best interests and he's too pissed to talk to you.

[lostsunsets]

Tell him. Your marriage will get worse (if that's possible.). I can't believe your poor daughter has been put in the middle of this. So much for protecting your children. "Ah what the hell, that was a an important orgasm that day. Wouldn't have missed it for the world." The longer you keep it from your husband the worse your marriage will get. But it is/was your marriage. It wasn't a very good one anyways. Right?

[Untouchable_Fire]

I am that husband that was cheated after 13 years, and it is so hard to get over,I was not there for my wife, and what started as phone talk, turned into he was not happy in his relationship, more personal, and , wham.

 

I'm glad it was all your fault. Good thing, because otherwise you might have to grow a pair and leave her.

 

I think as a last attempt he spilled the beans thinkin i was gonna leave her, and yes i was very close, but i love her and have loved her for 17 years now. We were riding a thin line on saying divorce, but after it all come out we dont argue as much,

 

Oh... but little did he know how desperate you are to hang on to your wife.

 

This is a great example of a male BS. Confuzed... I hope you read this. Chances are you have nothing to fear because your husband is a spineless piece of jelly as well.

[troubadour]

Confusedmomnb,

 

putting everything aside...

 

I wonder about one thing only... how did you convince your daughter that she hadn't seen any man with you that evenig when you couldn't stop yourself from f***ing OM in your own home. How did you do it?

 

Did you tell her that she was crazy... that she was delusional?

 

Did you laugh at her... or perhaps you tried to scare her by yelling at her that if she kept on talking about it she would end up at one of these places for menthaly ill? How did you do it, confusedmomnb?

 

I just want to know what a GOOD MOTHER, like yourself, does in situation like this?

 

I wonder if you are going to answer this question?

[whichwayisup]

I tried last night to talk to him but he had a cold shoulder. I'm trying to give him space.

 

Then tell him when HE is ready, you'll be ready to talk to him, to answer all his questions honestly, no matter what. And leave it at that.

 

IN the meantime call your therapist and book an appointment, start talking to someone professional to help you.

[STILL WONDERING]

Taking the easy way out is leaving and divorse

u get married 4 a reason , people that are in a happy relationship dont cheat, i am trying to get my life back together and i guess that makes me spineless? I enjoy saying goodnight to my little girl, not some other guy doing it

[confusedmomnb]

Then tell him when HE is ready, you'll be ready to talk to him, to answer all his questions honestly, no matter what. And leave it at that.

 

IN the meantime call your therapist and book an appointment, start talking to someone professional to help you.

 

I called someone today and I start going next week.

I can't stop crying.

[Owl]

Good first step.

 

But you need to keep something clearly in mind...this is a FIRST STEP in a marathon race.

 

I understand that your husband doesn't want to talk right now. As I said earlier...INSIST on marriage counseling, right now, with a counselor who has a good gameplan and track record for recovering marriages from indidelity.

 

And you need to disclose the full measure of this affair to your H...so that he knows EXACTLY what it is he's being asked to forgive.

 

You KNOW that the truth is going to come out in some fashion or another...it's better that you VOLUNTEER this information now, rather than get busted on it later.

[Athena]

I called someone today and I start going next week.

I can't stop crying.

 

Why exactly are you crying? From fear of what will happen to you? Or shame for what you did to your H and how sorry you are for hurting him?

[confusedmomnb]

What difference does it make. I'm scared and upset. I didn't want to hurt anyone so I'm dealing with that. Crying because of all of those reasons. I'm not a robot. I'm not trying to be difficult, but I think it may be obvious why I'm upset.

[quankanne]

it's important for you to admit to yourself why you are so scared: Because you got caught? Because you're afraid of losing your comfortable life? Because you ripped apart your family by indulging in an affair? Because you betrayed your marriage?

 

from the tone of your posts, I don't think you've progressed beyond being upset that you've been busted and that you *might* have to give up live as you know it. Almost as if you want to sweep this under the carpet without any repercussions. Which is a very human response, but it's not being/living truthful, because your husband and your lover's wife are willfully being excluded from knowing the truth.

 

it's hard to have empathy for someone who refuses to own up to her part in all this. In turn, it just makes you look like a selfish kid crying because things haven't gone her way.

 

that is the difference it makes ...

[imagine]

Yep! I agree with Quankanne.

 

Are you crying because you're busted or because of the damage you've done to your WHOLE family?

[mockeryjones]

Are you crying because you're busted or because of the damage you've done to your WHOLE family?

 

does it really matter? will what she needs to do to manage the situation at all change based on the answer to this question?

[michelangelo]

Because the source of her distress indicates the empathy or lack thereof that she has for her husband and child.