Author Els Posted March 17, 2009 Author Posted March 17, 2009 Wow, James, you certainly have my respect! Aye, ironic, ain't it? Because I suspect that many men would be ecstatic if their girl loved sex and didn't feel the 'urge' to have kids as well. Weird, 'If anything, they look at more children as meaning less time they get with the wife alone.'... that was part of my thinking too! Edit: I'm so sorry to hear about your father, B_O. Thanks for sharing, both you and 2sure... at least I don't feel I'm so very abnormal now! But was either of you as strongly against having kids as I seem to be, or were you simply 'Nah, don't think so, maybe...'?
JamesM Posted March 17, 2009 Posted March 17, 2009 BTW, my wife did not actually want children when we dated. Her big fear was that she would die during child birth. She had a dream as a teenager and she felt that she might die. Why she ended up changing her mind, I do not know. So our first was a bit difficult of a pregnancy. And when we had our last, that fear was still there. While I would not go into a marriage with one of you thinking yes and the other thinking no, minds do change. However, it would be unfair to you if he pressured you to have them and it would be unfair to him if you said emphatically no. This is a deal breaker.
Author Els Posted March 17, 2009 Author Posted March 17, 2009 Is labour-associated morbidity still high with modern healthcare facilities? Yes, I would not go into marriage before we'd thrashed it out VERY thoroughly and reached a conclusion. But we haven't even spoken seriously about marriage yet. The furthest we've planned with seriousness would be living close to each other in 1-2 years' time.
blind_otter Posted March 17, 2009 Posted March 17, 2009 I was pretty dead set against it, more because I didn't think I would be a good mother. I also thought I would put him into daycare straightaway because I didn't think I would be good enough to spend all day and night with him. Everything changed when he was born.
Author Els Posted March 17, 2009 Author Posted March 17, 2009 But.. what would have happened, if he was born, and nothing DID change? What if that happens to my child, assuming I go that route? Also, I hope I'm not being too intrusive, but why did you decide to have him anyway, then? Since it wasn't an accident like 2sure's.
JamesM Posted March 17, 2009 Posted March 17, 2009 I also thought I would put him into daycare straightaway because I didn't think I would be good enough to spend all day and night with him. Everything changed when he was born. This is exactly how my wife was...exactly. I will never forget the day after our first son was born. She was sitting down and figuring out how we would make it if she stayed home full time. NO daycare was going to get HER baby! And we were able to make it. Eventually, she went back to work for her own "sanity."
blind_otter Posted March 17, 2009 Posted March 17, 2009 But.. what would have happened, if he was born, and nothing DID change? What if that happens to my child, assuming I go that route? Well that would have been the reality and we would have dealt with it as such. Not everyone parents the same, and the world would be boring if they did... You just have to trust in the fact that everything is as it should be. Faith, I guess, is another word for it.
Author Els Posted March 17, 2009 Author Posted March 17, 2009 But I'm... different. My plan for my life involves doing the minimum amount of work necessary to achieve the minimum level of comfort that I want to live in... and then kicking back and relaxing. Regardless of whether I'm single or married, I plan to freelance, make enough to support my very modest lifestyle with a few hours of work a day, and spend the rest of the time with my hobbies, friends, or with my SO (if I'm married). Basically, I live life to enjoy it. Not really to achieve anything. If I were to have a baby and do that, EVEN if my SO could pay for daycare (and if it's this guy and everything goes the way it should, he will be able to), it would just seem so selfish to put the baby in daycare while I spend my day doing a few hours of work and then relaxing. But I honestly don't think that I could spend my entire day looking after someone other than myself, I'd go ballistic!
JamesM Posted March 17, 2009 Posted March 17, 2009 Being a parent is a selfless "career." One cannot be selfish and me oriented. And if you cannot see yourself giving to another human being, then certainly do not become a parent. You may also want to consider whether marriage will fit into the plan for your life. Marriage cannot be about "me" only. It must be about "him" (or her) and "us." The greatest rewards in life come from giving. None of that do I say unkindly. You are being honest and that is good. Having been married for almost nineteen yars and having a number of children, I can say that "my plans" change all of the time...much to my chagrin, I might add. My brother lives the single life with no children. While sometimes I envy his freedom, I know that if I had a full life of it, then I would be lonely and bored.
blind_otter Posted March 17, 2009 Posted March 17, 2009 But I honestly don't think that I could spend my entire day looking after someone other than myself, I'd go ballistic! Hee hee. That's what I said, before I had my son. Now I think I would be jealous of whoever got to spend all day with him, if I didn't get to.
Author Els Posted March 17, 2009 Author Posted March 17, 2009 I could give to or care for my SO, certainly. Because he doesn't require 24/7 care with none returned. If ever needed, we could each spend the Sunday afternoon doing our own thing. He would also try to understand and compromise with me, as I would be doing with him. Babies, unfortunately, are not so understanding, there are there ALL the time.
chrissylee Posted March 17, 2009 Posted March 17, 2009 I agree with everyone who said you should stop dating. Having different opinons on wanting kids can cause huge problems in a relationship. Even if you think you might chance your mind you aren't 100% sure that you will. I never wanted children and everyone always told me I would change my mind. I am 28 now and I still find the idea of children to be just as unappealing today as I did 10 years ago. So there is just as much of a possibilty that you will always feel the same about children.
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