conehead Posted March 17, 2009 Posted March 17, 2009 When I first started dating my bf a few months ago, he had once said he is deathly afraid of divorce. And I said 'so you're afraid to get married?' and he said 'no, I'm not scared of marriage...I'm just really scared of divorce. There is a difference.' When I heard this, I thought it was a red flag but the topic has never came up since. His parents are not divorced but I think he's known alot of people who's been through divorces. He is 27, never married, had a 5 year relationship about 4 years ago. We are currently in a LDR where he said that in the not too distant future he'd move 400 miles away from his family/friends/career to be with me. Do you think he'd actually move all that way to be with someone (me) he'd not want to marry? Do you think his statement that he's scared of divorce is a huge red flag? Cuz it seems pretty huge to me....
SoulSearch_CO Posted March 17, 2009 Posted March 17, 2009 He didn't say he didn't want to get married. He said he as afraid of divorce. Do you disagree with him that there is a difference between being afraid of getting married and getting divorced? I wouldn't take it as a red flag. Sounds like he's thinking ahead and wants to avoid something that is all too common in today's society. Sounds to me like he just wants to be REALLY SURE about getting married before jumping into it. My BF is similar to yours. He's not anti-marriage at all - but I can tell he just wants to be 100% positive before taking that leap. That's fine with me because I'm not in any rush. It doesn't mean I feel like he never wants to get married. (TBH, if this really is for life, I'd rather wait a couple of years, anyway.)
rlindzie Posted March 17, 2009 Posted March 17, 2009 i am scared to death of divorce too! but i do want to get married they are not as connected as you would think. See it just makes you take it slow. I dont think it is a red flag, and i think you should not be scared. I mean isnt everyone scared of divorce some what?
Author conehead Posted March 17, 2009 Author Posted March 17, 2009 SoulSearch and rlindzie - I guess I know that fear of marriage and fear of divorce are quite different. However, I heard/read that alot of men are afraid of marriage BECAUSE they are afraid of divorce! Which makes sense as well.... I mean I'm scared of divorce too, but the way my bf emphasized with just bone chilling fear in his voice saying 'im really afraid of divorce....it just really really REALLY scares me' that worries me. Fear is one thing, but to his extent??
SoulSearch_CO Posted March 17, 2009 Posted March 17, 2009 No, I'd say guys that are afraid of marriage are afraid of being committed to one person. It's a fear of being trapped. Fear of divorce...hmm. How about you ask him what it is that scares him about divorce? Is it the stigma? The heartbreak? The thought of losing half of his stuff (pre-nup could take care of that)? For everybody it could be different. But I think you're red-flagging this too easily - before knowing the basis behind it. He may have a truly legitimate reason behind it. Maybe he has a really bad story of a friend/family member. I'd just talk to him about it.
Trialbyfire Posted March 17, 2009 Posted March 17, 2009 conehead, before you get too far into this relationship, better to find out what his fear is. He's the only person who can explain his fear and if he can't explain it in any way that makes sense to you, consider it a BIG red flag. It appears to be the growing trend on the Internet that men claim not be to afraid of marriage, but afraid of divorce, since the little woman can walk away with half his assets. It's just an excuse to explain away the fear of commitment, because you can easily circumvent this concern by having someone sign a prenup.
Woggle Posted March 17, 2009 Posted March 17, 2009 With the way women are so quick to just chuck it all over nothing these days can you blame a man for being afraid? The walkaway wife epidemic has men scared to death to commit. Chances are men he has known have gone through this.
SoulSearch_CO Posted March 17, 2009 Posted March 17, 2009 Are you freaking kidding me? WOMEN are the reason for the divorce epidemic? Stats, please, before you throw around these once-again ridiculous, misogynistic assumptions about women.
Woggle Posted March 17, 2009 Posted March 17, 2009 Are you freaking kidding me? WOMEN are the reason for the divorce epidemic? Stats, please, before you throw around these once-again ridiculous, misogynistic assumptions about women. Women file the overwhelming majority of divorces and there is a trend of walking at the drop of a hat. Just look at the posts on this board.
SoulSearch_CO Posted March 17, 2009 Posted March 17, 2009 Women file the overwhelming majority of divorces and there is a trend of walking at the drop of a hat. Just look at the posts on this board. And you can seriously tell me, Woggle, that men have NOTHING TO DO with why the rate is going up? Yes, women may file twice as often, but they are also the ones trying to seek help for their relationships twice as often. They buy an overwhelming amount of relationship-help books, seek out help on relationship forums, etc. I would be blown away to go to the relationship section at my local B & N and see some guy standing there browsing. I think if guys were quicker to take action to fix the problems that their SO's are trying to bring to their attention, women would not be filing so often.
Lauriebell82 Posted March 17, 2009 Posted March 17, 2009 And you can seriously tell me, Woggle, that men have NOTHING TO DO with why the rate is going up? Yes, women may file twice as often, but they are also the ones trying to seek help for their relationships twice as often. They buy an overwhelming amount of relationship-help books, seek out help on relationship forums, etc. I would be blown away to go to the relationship section at my local B & N and see some guy standing there browsing. I think if guys were quicker to take action to fix the problems that their SO's are trying to bring to their attention, women would not be filing so often. Yeah I do agree with that. If you read posts in the marriage section they are all about "my husband doesn't care, he just wants to watch tv. I try to talk to him but he won't listen..." So I think it's dead on that both partners contribute to a divorce. It's not all about women marrying so they can steal half your money...
Touche Posted March 17, 2009 Posted March 17, 2009 I don't know that I'd automatically feel that it's a red flag if a man says he's afraid of divorce. Actually, to me it says he's VERY serious about marriage. And that's a good thing. Also Wog..you, and others, keep quoting these statistics about who files for divorce. It's meaningless. Sometimes the person who files isn't the person necessarily, who asked for the divorce in the first place. In my particular situation, I left and moved to another state and asked him to take care of it. He was a lawyer after all. So he filed in the state we lived in and sent me the paperwork.
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