lookin2theskyz Posted March 15, 2009 Posted March 15, 2009 I've been with my girlfriend for 14 months now. In that time we've been through a lot. I'm 21 and she's 17, when we met we were both living with our parents. They didn't approve of us dating because of our age and because both our families are very religious. Eventually things worked in such a way as to have both of us kicked out of our houses and living together. Shortly after my family was laying on huge pressure for me to move home. For my entire life I've worked on pleasing my mother because to my understanding, it's something that's very important. Unfortunately it's lead to me not knowing what I want in life. All I knew was making her happy. So I struggled with the decision of moving home or not. I talked to my girlfriend and we ended up fighting over it. Long story short we stayed living together and moved away from everyone without notice for a few months. During which time life was great.. I always knew that she had a fear of me moving home after our talk that day. We were eventually faced with circumstances that made us move back to our home city. Being so close to home made her fear increase and soon it became the only thing we'd ever talk about. It lead to us fighting a lot more then we ever have and the entire time my mom was still tugging at my heart strings to move home. During this time I started noticing that I would be upset for no reason and I would feel awful some days for no reason. My girlfriend was sure it was because of her, but I didn't think that was it.. anyway, Finally after all the fighting was forcing me away from my relationship and my mom being overly nice to me, my mom won out. I moved out one morning while my girlfriend was at work.. I've been home now for about 3 weeks. The night I moved out I went to a doctor and talked with him for a while because I felt like something wasn't right. He diagnosed me with clinical depression and prescribed Wellbutrine. He also recommended getting therapy and meeting with a psychiatrist. A large cause of my issues stems from my father being a pedophile while I was growing up, which ended up in my parents getting divorced.. So I've never had a chance to see a functional relationship. After being home for a week I realized how huge of a mistake I made. I talked to my girlfriend and we started patching things up. A ton of our issues remaining are because of my need to please my mom and not putting the focus on our relationship. I keep trying to put my girlfriend first and stand up for her when my mom talks ill of her.. but for some reason I can't. We've made plans for us to move in together in September. We're still very much in love but she has no trust in me right now and she feels a need to text message me all day every day.. Which I don't mind. I mean, I love talking to her. But whenever a family member comes in to my room to talk to me she panics because she thinks they're going to talk me in to breaking up with her for good.. I have kept telling myself after the medication kicks in I'll be able to think clearly enough to fix our relationship and we can just be happy again.. I have to live with my mom for another month and a half before I can leave, during which time I'll be gone for the summer for work. I'm sure when I get back in September and we move back in things will be smoother. We're going to take couples therapy.. I'm sorry for all the talking, I guess what I really need is advise on how I can cope with the situation until I can move out.. Every day is a living hell because she's so scared about me leaving her.. I try my best to comfort her, but any time I try to help her feel like she can trust me, she points out a time I've betrayed her trust.. This is largely because of my ill advised decisions compliments of my illness. Right now if I even hint that I want to spend time with a friend or family member she takes it as me not loving her as much as my friends or family.. What can I do?? Is there any way I can ease this stress? At times it's lead me to hurt myself just thinking about how awful I would feel if she left me.. Just to get what I feel I deserve.. Help?
Alan430 Posted March 15, 2009 Posted March 15, 2009 You need to tell you mom to back out of your relationship. My mom has always been this way. Any girl i ever brought home when growing up wasnt good enough. This will continue on if you get married causing so much drama its unreal. Squash it now, or do what i did, i would listen to both and in one ear out the other. I can tell you one thing though, You mom maybe doing it because your her baby, but sometimes there is truth to their words and you just cant see it now. You really need to understand your moms motives. And another word of advice you guys especially her are very young. If you were to get married later on down the line, you have a very slim chance of it being successful (especially with all the drama already).
Author lookin2theskyz Posted March 15, 2009 Author Posted March 15, 2009 I've had a chance to talk to my mom about it a lot over the last year. She struggled with it at first and now she's made her peace. Now she understands she needs to duck out and that's fine. But my girlfriend still isn't convinced she's going to.. But she really has. As for the failed marriage, I realize any marriage has a 50/50 chance of making it now-a-days, but I think if you go into it with an expectation to not make it... you probably won't. So, I'm going to keep positive, lol. In spite of the difficulties.
Alan430 Posted March 15, 2009 Posted March 15, 2009 If your mom is serious have her call your girlfriend and let them pow-wow and talk things over. It could be a very good thing for your relationship if they come to terms together and rest each others fears.
Author lookin2theskyz Posted March 15, 2009 Author Posted March 15, 2009 Ha ha. That's honestly not something I'd considered.. I think my girl would be pretty pissed if I did that to her, especially considering everything I've already put her though.. I'll consider it food for thought.
SoulSearch_CO Posted March 15, 2009 Posted March 15, 2009 Why couldn't you start couple's therapy now? It'd give her a chance to have a trained professional right there to listen to concerns from both parties. She'd be able to get everything off her chest in one fell-swoop. Because, really, if she's going to keep bringing up this time and that time and that other time that you broke her trust, you two will never be able to move on. I can't say I blame her - you basically abandoned her. But I don't think that beating you over the head is going to help you right now. I just think it would help her to have that outlet to get everything out into the open with you, it'll be duly-noted with a professional right there, and he/she can probably give YOU some good tips on communicating with your girlfriend better so she can feel more secure.
Author lookin2theskyz Posted March 16, 2009 Author Posted March 16, 2009 I think you're probably right... Thank you for the input. I think we're going to go in tomorrow to find a couples therapist. So I'll cross my fingers for now.
jadelil25 Posted March 16, 2009 Posted March 16, 2009 I think that you should start the couples therapy now. I think that it is the only way in which you have a chance of fixing things. It will give you both a chance to open up and be honest on how you feel away from your mum. She needs to be able to re gain the trust for the relationship to work. If she can not re gain the trust then the relationship will not work as it is very important to have strong trust between you.
dreamergrl Posted March 16, 2009 Posted March 16, 2009 I think also you need to consider her age. It's a lot of relationship stress for such a young mind. I'm not saying she's immature, but I mean, how much relationship experience does she have? If she's 17 now, she was 15/16 when you started dating. You're what she knows. I think it's great that you are going through what you need to in order to help yourself. It shows a lot of maturity on your half.
Author lookin2theskyz Posted March 17, 2009 Author Posted March 17, 2009 Thanks for the input everyone.. As of today things are starting to really get better. We've been talking things over like crazy the last few days.. Roughly a good 11 or so hrs per day.. We've had a chance to work a lot out and things are amazing as of tonight. As mature as I may sound I'll have to give her waaaay more credit. She's handled herself very well considering her age and in terms of relationships, she's far more mature then I am. I don't anticipate many problems in the coming months... but who does? If anything changes I'll keep you posted. Thanks so much for the help though!
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