How to fix what i screwed up... need her back

[Nicodaemos]

Yea, she is on a bit of a pedastal with me, but I also havent been, 'out there' ever really. My only comparison is the woman I had married, but there realy isnt any comparison, in any way. Attitude, ideas, interests, style, behavior, nothing is the same between them. Was I trying to get someone different? no, I wasnt even trying when we got started. just grew. Yea, and looks are completely different. This woman is the only one I have said I love you to. I have spent alot of time online, and havent really found any two people that are the same. Everyone that actually took the time to talk with me I have found to be very different. On occasion, there are women I find that interest me greatly, but only twice have they showed any interest in me. Both times though, they were just too far away for anything, and didnt want to have a relationship anyway. Her though, she gave me a chance, and not only that, but was interested, and it meant alot to me, yea, it is part of the reason why I am stuck on her, but I dont think that she will be the only one I could love.

[Nicodaemos]

No, I havent really found any coping methods here, and it seems like nobody has else has either. Except for one thing. The support of others, that have been there, are heading for it, or those that just want to help. People do more for other people than anyTHING can ever do. A person is what matters. That there is someone that would take the time to hear them, and even take thier time to help. It means alot. Staying busy, avoiding the old pictures, lettes, things like that, dont truly help. Being here has helped alot. I can talk, put my thoughts down, read back through them. And you people read them, see them, and reply. People help.

[Nicodaemos]

I really shouldnt read the emails she sent me, really shouldnt look at her pictures. I was looking back through the emails. saw that she wrote to me so much, and felt so strongly about me. About the time I was finally able to get on regularly, thats when things started droppin off with her. her intensity, emotion, many things. But, later, I lost the internet. When i came back, it was actually yea, on the 11th when she was withdrawn. we missed each other online, but were able to send emails back and forth. 17th she sent me an email saying she didnt want any more. that she wanted to end it. told me it was over in an email. and it was by far the happiest, and longest thing i had gotten from her for the past few months. since i had lost my internet. I really need to stop looking at those things. but it doesnt hurt as much today, just condenses in my chest.

[Nicodaemos]

You say you are going for a run. you do track, or just for excercise? and yea, im just trying to get the pm privliges. thats why i broke up my message rather than just one big spiel. Only problem is that it has a big nimber of posts on my forum. didna want to do that. ah well though. If ya dont wanna be tellin about yer runnin is fine, just am makin noise to make noise really.

[LaughingCheetah]

You say you are going for a run. you do track, or just for excercise? and yea, im just trying to get the pm privliges. thats why i broke up my message rather than just one big spiel. Only problem is that it has a big nimber of posts on my forum. didna want to do that. ah well though. If ya dont wanna be tellin about yer runnin is fine, just am makin noise to make noise really.

 

Hi Nico, I run for exercise. I had an ankle injury for a while...the doctor told me to take it easy so I couldn't do more exercise than walking the dog for about an hour or so a day and doing my regular weight training. Running season is starting again soon so I feel a new surge of energy. It also helps me deal with some heartaches and daily stressors of life.

 

You should try to run too- you don't need any special equipment or gym memberships to run. It would probably help you too because sitting around in a truck for long hours of time is not good for your health.

[LaughingCheetah]

I really shouldnt read the emails she sent me, really shouldnt look at her pictures. I was looking back through the emails. saw that she wrote to me so much, and felt so strongly about me. About the time I was finally able to get on regularly, thats when things started droppin off with her. her intensity, emotion, many things. But, later, I lost the internet. When i came back, it was actually yea, on the 11th when she was withdrawn. we missed each other online, but were able to send emails back and forth. 17th she sent me an email saying she didnt want any more. that she wanted to end it. told me it was over in an email. and it was by far the happiest, and longest thing i had gotten from her for the past few months. since i had lost my internet. I really need to stop looking at those things. but it doesnt hurt as much today, just condenses in my chest.

 

How long did you correspond for? I'm sorry to hear about your pain. I corresponded with someone for a few years and they weren't very nice to me. I know it has nothing to do with me, but them.

[Nicodaemos]

Its not so much the sitting, but not doing anything after the driving is done. I used to ride a bike. I hate running. I dont even like to walk, would ride my bike everywhere. and if i wasnt riding, i would just stand on one side, on the pedal, and kinda make like being on a scooter. Was supposed to get one of my bikes from my mothers house, but it needed new hubs, and i didnt have any replacements that were any good, as well as not being able to afford new ones either. I used to run in the army. was supposed to go airborne, lotsa running. could do a 2mile in military boots in about 14:47 best. running shoes, could do in 13:00 or less. but i dont like running.

[Nicodaemos]

the emails that she sent me were after we had been talkin on MSN and such, but when i was on my bike, and on the road, she sent me emails instead... i have 24 in total. some are just pictures that she sent me, after about half of the ones that werent just pictures, she started with just one line and that was it. for two, three weeks, just one line. And earlier ones, multiple times she had said she liked telling me about her day, things, just stuff. I told her I liked to read it. to be a part of her day, even though it happend weeks ago. then they just got less and less. the longest one she wrote to me is the last one, the one saying no more being a couple. and it was about the one with the most happiness, and joy. but the least intimate of the ones that werent just one line. Like a great weight had been removed.

[LaughingCheetah]

the emails that she sent me were after we had been talkin on MSN and such, but when i was on my bike, and on the road, she sent me emails instead... i have 24 in total. some are just pictures that she sent me, after about half of the ones that werent just pictures, she started with just one line and that was it. for two, three weeks, just one line. And earlier ones, multiple times she had said she liked telling me about her day, things, just stuff. I told her I liked to read it. to be a part of her day, even though it happend weeks ago. then they just got less and less. the longest one she wrote to me is the last one, the one saying no more being a couple. and it was about the one with the most happiness, and joy. but the least intimate of the ones that werent just one line. Like a great weight had been removed.

 

Maybe you should share some of those emails so we can get a clue as to why she gave up on you. Are you sure you never offended her? I think some women here could help you interpret her point of view.

 

Maybe she was depressed and felt that there was no chance of you two meeting in person so she decided to end it. She might be putting up a protective wall out of fear of being hurt.

[Nicodaemos]

I was hoping that she would be more comfortable with sending messages then direct contact, but it didnt work out. The longer time went on, apparently the more she thought i didnt care. that she had to be the strong one to hold the realationship together. I only found this out after she told me no more. she never told me, again, yea, no communication.

 

60th post

[Nicodaemos]

but it still says member, not established, and the lowest count i have seen for established was 61, and this is the 61st. but, im gonna be taking about a 6 mile walk, with a duffel bag on my back. and its a bit chilly outside, which is good cause that means i wont be sweating. its not so much me taking you advice, but more the truck left for the dealer today, so i dont have a bed right now, and a taxi costs $27, i only have $10 until i get a load again, which could take as long as Monday... I hope there is a Wals mart around that i can nab some Ramen Noodle from.

[LaughingCheetah]

but it still says member, not established, and the lowest count i have seen for established was 61, and this is the 61st. but, im gonna be taking about a 6 mile walk, with a duffel bag on my back. and its a bit chilly outside, which is good cause that means i wont be sweating. its not so much me taking you advice, but more the truck left for the dealer today, so i dont have a bed right now, and a taxi costs $27, i only have $10 until i get a load again, which could take as long as Monday... I hope there is a Wals mart around that i can nab some Ramen Noodle from.

 

Your life sounds tough. Do you like your job? Maybe your Brazilian cyber girl felt like there was no chance of getting together because the money factor wouldn't allow you to visit her. Have you thought of getting another job or furthering your education?

[Nicodaemos]

Hadnt left yet, taking care of a couple things. She felt like I would always be missing things. that even if I was there, i would be missing things. She told me that i dont remember when, but it was sometime. Late i think. I always told her from the beginning, I would be there, and timeframes, of when I would be going solo, going in trainnig, where i would be, and when. Told her when bills would be cleared, how much i made, and averages of how much i would be driving, and earning. Always told her a final. Always made sure she knew that i would be there in May, earliest, August, latest. Broad, yea, but sometimes, like now, i get stalled somewhere and not earning anything. But i always told her. the job has good prospects, career definately. I dont want to do this if i started a family, would be getting back into working on vehicles. I started as a mechanic, heavy construction, mining, agriculture, and commercial vehicles as well. Trained and certivied here for almost everything. Just need the degree to make employers all happy. cause everyone needs a diploma nowadays. I have access to the GI bill, and will be able to get into it with partial scholarship. Probably UTI, which is a very good University for being a mechanic. either way, time for me to really get walking this time.

[TMichaels]

but it still says member, not established, and the lowest count i have seen for established was 61, and this is the 61st.

 

Nicodaemos,

 

You might be interested in the following from LS FAQ regarding Private Messaging privileges:

 

I'm a new member. Why don't I have access to Private Messages?

 

In an effort to prevent accounts being registered for the sole purpose of sending spam and as a way of clarifying the role of private messages on our site, we have elected to disable the use of private messages for members who have not established a presence on the site by participating in the public forums over an extended period of time.

 

Access to the private messaging facilities of the site are determined based on the length of membership and the number of posts contributed to the public forums.

 

We believe that the power of our site lies in the vast array of opinions and insights received from many different people and feel that private messaging regarding interpersonal relationships does not have a place in that formula. We strongly discourage the use of private messages and remind all of our members that there are genuine safety and privacy concerns when contacting someone privately off and on our site.

 

So in other words, getting to some sort of "magic number" of posts isn't all it takes in order to get PM privileges. The amount of time you've been a member on the site also factors into the equation.

 

I can't recall exactly how long that took when I first signed up, but I think it was about three months.

 

Not trying to discourage you from posting, but no sense putting up oodles of posts as that alone is not going to entitle you to be able to PM here.

 

HTH,

TMichaels

[Nicodaemos]

yea, that was the next thought i had, I hadnt found anything on it anywhere that was too definative.

[LaughingCheetah]

She told me that she felt things with me that she had never felt with anyone else, yes, i always hold the possibility that everything she said was a falsity, but i always hope otherwise. Im hoping that with me, at the end there, when i took everything she gave me, every defense she had, i stood there, and never let it stop me. maybe it will show her that hiding wont always work. Even now, with her running, feeling scared, and angry, and me, still waiting, trying for her, maybe will expose her like she never has before. strip her of everything she has ever depended on in the past to protect herslf. And maybe her friends can then help her rebuild, without such defenses, rebuild her with the ability to share. yea, its a longshot, a far hopr, but i still hope. I have great doubts though. but well see, i wait, and will find out eventually how it goes.

 

You seem like a real man. lol It sounds like she likes to run away from problems or situations where she feels uncomfortable. I guess the men in her past let it stop them and didn't bother pursuing her because she seemed like an impossible mystery to unravel. I suppose you would be the first to really wait for her despite it all. I , too, am curious as to why a woman runs away from a man every time things get "serious".

[LaughingCheetah]

It seems that she is afraid of being alone, but sees herself as independant, but too independant. Maybe she doesnt want to be alone, and not truly in a relationship, because she cant look in the mirror, metaphorically. cant take that long, exposing look at herself and see that she really isnt as strong as she thinks, not as independant as she believes. I dont know, just one of the many musings that I have.

That's interesting. I am sort of like that. I just wall myself off from people each time I get hurt and then pretend like I was never hurt. She's afraid of being vulnerable because she has been hurt - She might actually be stronger than you thing. After being stinged a number of times, you accumulate scars and become tough skinned. She might be stronger than you assume.

 

I have never slept well, usually for an hour, maybe 2 if im lucky before i wake up again. my mind is always active though. frequently when im sleeping, im still thinking about things, my mind is still active, and im still mentally conscious, (however its spelled) and wake up still thinking. Its very disorienting, cause to me it seems like i never slept, until i hear the alarm, notice if the light has changed, temerature, things like that. And, even though my body is fine, I just always have a deep, bone weary feel. My physical body cant really get the restoring nutrition when i sleep, because my mind is still drawing on my body.

It sounds like you need to address this insomnia problem with a professional. What is it that you think about so much? You never get 7-8 hours of sound sleep in one night?

 

 

Even sleep offers no relief for me from times like these. Only way i can shut down, is to just force my body to demand sleep. go a few days, not really eat, drink, nothing, just absolutely burn out. I dont really get any rest doing that, cause there is nothing left for me to restore with, but i have silence. at least for a few hours.

 

Part of me not being able to let go, is that i want to fix, want to help her. Even if i get nothing, ever again, knowing that she will be able to love someone one day, truly able to open herself to another, ill be alot happier. Because i did good, i helped. Part of that is making sure she doesnt think what she does now, about me, us, and herself in the past.

That sounds uber sweet. There aren't many men willing to help a woman out after she has cut them off. Maybe that is her problem - she can't get committed because of some fear - you have to find out what that fear is all about. I guess you must truly love her if you want her to be able to find love with someone - even if that someone is not you.

 

everyone says get away from the problem ones, they are messed up and will only lead to more heartbreak. And, almost every time, they do. I do not thin i will be lucky enough to beat the odds, i never seem to anyway, except in life and death, but just because someone has issues, maybe bad issues, doesnt mean that they deserve a life alone. doesnt mean they deserve a life without ever having felt love before, even for just a moment. No, im not saying you think that way, but its how i feel. Yes, i know that i set myself up for pain this way, but i cant really look away too easy.

 

You are an exceptional young man. Those are powerful statements.

[LaughingCheetah]

I need a hug.

 

I want to hold, to be held.

 

 

 

Just not feeling well right now, yesterday was a bad day, and today hasnt been good either. Earlier, her friend was on. she gave me her MSN address cause i couldnt get on the site anymore, not like this. She got on the MSN, asked her if she got the emails i sent yesterday, she told me to wait a few minutes so she could check. A while later, she came back, said yea, and put up a smiley. I told her, no, no smiles here, and she put a sad smiley. Told her, no smiles since she stopped talking to me, and i get back, hang on, busy in the game.

 

I dont expect anyone to drop what they are doing for someone else like that, but anytime i was talking to her, she was still runnin around in the game, doin the things. laughing and joking with the other people.

 

hmm, warning, rant time, and i think i need 5 more posts till i am an established, and can pm.

 

 

Here *cyber hugs*

[LaughingCheetah]

she said she wanted to get a mic, a webcam, or even her own digital camera. I never thought till the other day to tell her just stay home a couple times. I dont want to keep her from her friends, but I look back and think i should have asked for more than i did though. Might be another part of the issue. She had said she didnt really feel like i was interested, maybe by making more requests, maybe she would have figured i was more interested. actions, rather than just words. just more musing is all.

 

and filling the quota for established.

Yes, indeed, actions are stronger than mere words. So many people say things without truly meaning it. It's like those times I found myself in trouble- friends that in the past told me they would always be there didn't always live up to their word. Some friends that never made promises about helping me suddenly appeared out of nowhere, willing to help me. Who do I remember? Not the friends with the false promises but the ones who were there through thick and thin.

 

You always remember those who were there for you when you were in trouble. For as long as you live, you never forget. It's very easy to make new friends when the money is good and life is swell - but troubled times is a test to real friendship/love. You have to show her that...

[Nicodaemos]

I can understand why not just women, but men too are scared, and bug out when things start to get serious on one end or another. Obviously, not always, but with some, maybe her, its the fear of getting hurt. The fear that how many times will someone go on dates, get more serious about things, and get hurt when they get there. Seeing thier friends and family crying thier eyes out, pretty much all the bad things in a relationship. Afraid of it. I dont want to be afraid, and I have stopped being so long ago. I will do the un advised by placing my trust, without question, in others. I wont be reckless about it... well, too reckless anyway. A bit foolish maybe, like now, but I do so knowing full well where I have placed myself. On a rare occasion I can think of meaningful things to say, really poetic kinda things. I do mean rare. I had something put up on the site we met on, but i cant copy from it, and now i cant get to it, cause it is in her house, and im no longer a roomate of it.

 

I used to think that the people with pictures of family, relationships, and others was kinda cheesy, but i also envied thier absolute cheeseyness. I wanted to have that. I had it, had a pic of her on my screen, and it was nice cause its not all distorted either. cant have it up anymore though, I have a picture of North Dakota. Nothing is in the picture besides my bike, the road, and a far landscape of fields. Not a building or any sign of civilisation anywhere.

 

I just finished trimming up. was getting really scruffy, and will be taking a loooong hot shower later. Got my Irish Spring, Old Spice, and some fresh, fuzzy flannels for sleeping. In a hotel room too, truck is gone, so i didna have a bed anymore, so the company puts the drivers in hotels when thier truck is down, so they have a place to sleep. So, i have an actual private shower, and I have $20 in my wallet, and not only $10 like i thought i had. which is good. I have twice as much money as i thought. heh.

 

dont mind the rambling please, the hurt is leaving, and im just getting lonely again, typing is good, being here has helped immeasureably, but a real voice is better, and a real person is best. Ah well. Trying to keep me up with the compliments Laughing Cheetah? heh, thanks, its appreciated. I dont hear it often, or anything really. So thanks much.

[Nicodaemos]

Its not that im doubting her strength, its just musing. my mind churnig over the ideas about things and possible explanations. I dont get bothered by too many options, I enjoy it. I make hyper functional spreadsheets on XL with about a dozen tabs on em. Complication I can deal with, cause my mind can go to work and think about something that has an end, or just a possible explanation. As Johnny 5 said, "Input!" aaand if you know that movie, then its all good, if you dont, then watch it.

 

I do, on rare occasions, sleep through the night calmly, and with just regular dreams, and feeling well rested in the morning. I can remember a couple times i did. the night that i had told her I loved her i did. and the next night. never have slept so well. for a while after that i slept calmly, mostly, but without any dreams, just sleep. I usually get enough hours, just not consecutive. I dont drag in the morning and during the day, im not wore out.

 

Yea, I want to know what she is so afraid of. why she couldnt five a chance for later.

 

mm, digital hugs too.

 

Thats why im hoping she comes to this site, and reads about what people have on the threads around here, and see that the time alone can actually benefit in the long run. That the pain, and hurt, and loneliness she felt wasnt an exclusive feeling that only she felt. That I, you, Island, and so many others here have had the misfortune to know. But, in the long run, if it helps, then ill gladly slog along right on through.

 

Sorry about the over info earlier, I get talky about things frequently when im in down times and feeling alone. And if i get too much, let me know, I dont mind(really, i dont) truth yaknow, I like it.

[Nicodaemos]

They call me whiskers. not really, but i am very curious. Island Girl, you said you wanted to say things, but i wont be able to PM for a while then i guess, so i just set up a temp email address, [email protected] i can send the actual address to make it easier for chatting on MSN if ya send me anything. Same goes for anyone else, if ya wanna chat, about whatever, go ahead and send a message, is all good.

[Nicodaemos]

They have both been on, and at the same time when i was sleeping this morning, and i have heard nothing. Because i cant get ahold of her at all, I asked the friend if she could tell her that i want to be able to hear anything. Even a no, go away, just anything. Last night got bad, real bad. The song Everything I Do, I Do For You started playing on my computer. I was moving some pictures around, as well as some of the music and other things on here to get it organized a bit more. Clicked on the song instead of just clicking once so I could move it. It took a few moments for it to start playing, so I didnt notice right away. When it started playing though, i was moving some pictures of her, cleaning out the extra copies and such. I think the computer was conspiring against me.

 

I always heard songs like this, dealing with such strong love for another. I never wanted to have the loss most of them deal with, but to be able to feel that strongly about someone. Hearing that, seeing those. just made for one bad night. I let it play through, and guess what comes on next. In The Arms of the Angels. She used to call me Anjo. its Angel in Brazillian. Used to tell me about how she wanted to be held so much. My computer conspired against me last night, it wasnt fun.

 

This morning, I get on, seen they both been on, and i dont hear if she talked to her or not, if she said anything. Its tearing. I can see her, but she cant see me. I can see her talking to other people, which doesnt bother me, but that she is so free and joyous like she was before she met me again. All i hear from the friend, unless i ask direct questions about something, all i hear is, 'just giver her time, she needs time'. Right now, im just absolutely clueless, and confused. Tired of this .. what ever it is.. It just wears on the soul. Its like, see me? too bad, cant have me. So close, right there, and theres nothing. I guess the morning hasnt been to well either.

[Nicodaemos]

her friend was back on for a quick few minutes before work, so i asked her what was goin on. she didnt know she said. I asked my she was happy (the one i care about) and she said she didnt know. this is frustrating, she is right there, but wont face it. I dont know if this is how she did things before or not. her friend thinks she neeed to tell me straight up what she wants, what she feels. this hasnt been a good morning much at all. Freekin tired of this. starting to get me irritated. I have no way of gettin ahold of anyone. I know that she thinks I didnt care about her, that i didnt try to be around. Even though i told her many times otherwise. I just dont know. She is there, not when i was, but is not doing a damn thing about it. Just being childish and not facing anything.

 

Just really upset about things this morning, last night didnt help it either. just for spite, after walking over here, the door wouldnt work and it took almost 30 minutes of me walking back and forth with different keys for them to just give me a different room That bag wieghs 42 pounds, and after carrying it for 6 miles, I wasnt in the mood for crap like that.

 

Ranting, i know. just i dunno, out of it. was finally starting to just go back to my usual numb nothing state I always was in. I could just walk away, say no more, im done. and be finished. may even be exactly whats needed inthe long run. but i dunno. nobdy can ever know what is needed in different times. I dont have anything i can look back in my own life and draw experience from. never been here. and dont want to be here.

 

eesh, lotsa ramble today. ill stop now.

[Nicodaemos]

yay for tax returns. Maybe. Tax agent I have ( my mom, heh) she told me I may be able to get pre approved for almost $1,000 tax return. Found air fare tickets from a brazillian airline for $589. Yay for weekday flights as well. Priceline was about 100 more, as well as the other discount flight sites. So, if i ever get to talk to her again, I can give her actual dates if she asks about me going there. Not stalkerish, but if she is wants something, but tries the lonelyness thing again, i can offer the removal of it. Yea, it gets my hopes up, gives me something to focus on, makes the fall harder. cause even though i hope for the best, want things to work, want nothing but to get on that plane, the biggest thought in my mind is that she wants it entirely over. that it is done.

 

All i really done is given myself more to mull about. for better or worse. The worst part of it is that if i do go, the first time i meet her, could also be the last.