emotional affair, how long to get over the "other man/woman"?

[samprez]

Folks,

 

In a similar situation but not with OW at work. NC is the only way; despite my feeling down today, NC.

 

My W and I are working very hard at putting things back together, and I've learned not only through this, but in life in general that things take their pace and their time. We live in a rush rush world and we all want resolution to things; NOW. But the facts are that the healing we're all experiencing in process. Every morning my wife looks at me and asks if I'm ok and if I have anything I want to tell her. I can't wait until she doesn't do that, but I violated her trust and I have to yield to the process. I can't force her to move at a pace beyond her needs right now.

 

The pain of these things is deep. I was pondering on another thread if my MW is going through this too; and I was assured she was. Whatever emotional connection you Merlot felt, was real to you and was impactful. You are doing what I'm doing; detoxing from a relationship while at the same time, rebuilding your marriage. All in good time for you both. My W and I agreed to take this past weekend off from the drama, we were both drained.

 

Take your time and don't force things.

[whichwayisup]

it was broke by monday morning and again on tuesday. Not only that but it was broke at third time when you sent me a text while I was out of the country that stated emails were not allowed between the 2 of you. RED FLAG You agian tried to contact him on friday through an account which I have no access to. .

 

How recent was this? Like last week?

 

All I can say, if you are serious about that chance your husband is giving you, STOP the contact with the OM. NO secret email address! Or allow your husband access to any account that you have.

 

Somehow you and your husband can manage if you quit your job now..And as for your work reputation, people aren't going to feel you've ruined your reputation by quitting and leaving.. If anything, go on stress leave and start looking for another job.

[65tr6]

. I'm doing everything I can to be an open book to my husband. I wanted him to know..

I believe you did the right thing by notifying your husband. If there has to be some communication sent to your work place then talk to your husband on what is acceptable and what is not. Take advantage of the fact that your boss is willing to help.

[merlot]

Folks,

 

In a similar situation but not with OW at work. NC is the only way; despite my feeling down today, NC.

 

My W and I are working very hard at putting things back together, and I've learned not only through this, but in life in general that things take their pace and their time. We live in a rush rush world and we all want resolution to things; NOW. But the facts are that the healing we're all experiencing in process. Every morning my wife looks at me and asks if I'm ok and if I have anything I want to tell her. I can't wait until she doesn't do that, but I violated her trust and I have to yield to the process. I can't force her to move at a pace beyond her needs right now.

 

The pain of these things is deep. I was pondering on another thread if my MW is going through this too; and I was assured she was. Whatever emotional connection you Merlot felt, was real to you and was impactful. You are doing what I'm doing; detoxing from a relationship while at the same time, rebuilding your marriage. All in good time for you both. My W and I agreed to take this past weekend off from the drama, we were both drained.

 

Take your time and don't force things.

 

Thanks for your perspective. Complete NC will be in effect as soon as this 3 1/2 month contract is over with. In speaking last Monday, the OM and I have agreed we need to and are going our seperate ways. No more friendship. I guess that's the worst. I don't have very many friends so it really blows to lose one.

Ironic thing is, during the whole 4 years that we were actually just friends, my husband and I met the OM his and wife at a social function and I was hoping we'd all hit it off. My husband acted like a jealous cold fish though. I was pretty friendly with the OM's wife up till last week, and really liked her, and she liked me. She and I tried to come up with a couple times to do dinner or whatever as couples, and my husband was never down for it. So now in the back of my mind, I keep wondering, what if we had all managed to be friends? Would it have prevented things to getting to the point that it did with OM? I never thought of the OM in a romantic capacity before the last 2-3 weeks. I know I can play the what if game all day and it won't help. I'm just having a real problem getting my husband to accept friends that I intrduce. It's always gotta be that we're friends with people that HE introduces me to. I don't understand that. It's a very isolating feeling.

 

When it all starting rolling downhill even before the texting, I told the OM, I don't want to lose your friendship cause of this, and he agreed. And now that's EXACTLY what's been lost. I think I hate that more than anything. Sure the attentions were nice, but the friendship is what we had for years, and what I miss the most. So NC is going well in the face-to-face department. I thing he and I both feel relief for it. But on the odd chance a work related issue comes up, which hardly ever happens now, I feel it would be easier to email than to have a face to face conversation. I don't really expect work related issues to come about, but I needed an out this past Friday and took an approach that didn't require face to face and immediately told my husband about it.

 

My husband has neglected to give out some details of his work situation as well. As a matter of fact, he has spent a total of 7 nights this past month in internationl tropical locals with a certain female co-worker of his each time. Granted it is part of his job, but they are alone, basically on vacation from the time they get there until the time they leave and can do whatever they want. No work obligations in between. So it is hard to hear that he's touring islands with her, at the bar listening to music with her, eating meals with her...etc. Then not getting a phone call once he's back to his hotel room to at least say goodnight to me like I've asked him to do, and that he always at least has done with he's with male co-workers??? I've come to have suspicions of my own. Who wouldn't?

[anubis08]

My husband has neglected to give out some details of his work situation as well. As a matter of fact, he has spent a total of 7 nights this past month in internationl tropical locals with a certain female co-worker of his each time. Granted it is part of his job, but they are alone, basically on vacation from the time they get there until the time they leave and can do whatever they want. No work obligations in between. So it is hard to hear that he's touring islands with her, at the bar listening to music with her, eating meals with her...etc. Then not getting a phone call once he's back to his hotel room to at least say goodnight to me like I've asked him to do, and that he always at least has done with he's with male co-workers??? I've come to have suspicions of my own. Who wouldn't?

 

this is where you get all twisted. I have minded my p's adn q's while on the road and can have a friend. You on the otherhand left the marraige to find your answers. Doubt all you want. you need to get that thought out of your head and move on. your insecurities from your childhood are going to kill it.

[merlot]

this is where you get all twisted. I have minded my p's adn q's while on the road and can have a friend. You on the otherhand left the marraige to find your answers. Doubt all you want. you need to get that thought out of your head and move on. your insecurities from your childhood are going to kill it.

 

 

And that is where communication breaks down. Anubis08, you seem to have a very difficult time wrapping you head around anyone else's point of view. THAT sticking point will the one that may cause you and your wife to go your seperate ways. You are having difficulty taking any ownership in this situation. I've read everything up to this point. Your wife has admitted insecurities and fault in this situation, repeatedly. As well as remorse. She was wrong! She's repeated that time and again. She has said she never stopped loving you and wished she was getting from you what was being provided for by another. You have every right to feel betrayed, hurt, angry. Your wife deserves these feelings from you at this point, and expects no less. But, if there is to be healing, both of you need to come to terms in how it got to the bad place to begin with. Let me redirect you to a post (to you on your thread) that resonated largely with me:

 

 

Oh boy---

Lie detecter tests? Seriously.

 

You've been wronged. But you need to look at this from a bird's eye perspective. Please unemotionally and OPENLY consider what you are about to read----

 

From the other side of the coin, and as a male who participated in emotional infidelity, it is likely that this is a 2 way street and the answer to this problem maybe so embedded in your relationship that it may take a while to uncover.

 

In this instance you have been treated very unfairly and lied to. There is no excuse for that on your wife's part. What I wonder is what led her to establish a relationship with this guy? As wrong as this was and as mad as this may make you- there is a reason. This reason may or may not be your fault- but you must look at EVERYTHING.

 

How do you treat her? I mean really-- how do you treat her? You mentioned twice in your post how you "got pissed" and went to bed. What does "got pissed" mean, and HOW pissed did you get? How often do you get pissed? HOW ABOUT HER? How does she treat you? Does she treat you in a way that makes you react in an unfavorable way?

 

 

When I commited emotional infidelity, I did so because I didn't want to face the truth and because it was the path of least resistance. That was my own character flaw. Is this a possibility for your wife? Why was it so easy for her to give in? What happened to the glue in your relationship?

 

Is it possible that you may have been unknowingly alienating her emotionally, causing her to seek the much needed intimate connection with someone else?

 

What may be possible is this OM is a representation of what she would ideally like to have in her relationship, and may not be getting-- or know how to get.

 

Is it possible that she had a poor marriage model growing up? How about you?

 

I can imagine your pain only because I have seen the pain that my wife went though. I experienced the constant scrutinization, spying, and mistrust. Any form of mistrust- whether or not my wife felt it was justified-- pushed me away and plain pissed me off.

 

One thing that I learned is that you CANNOT end your wife's emotional relationship for her. She has to do that, and she has to make the choice. Wouldn't you want her back emotionally if she CHOSE to be back with you, rather than feeling forced?

 

That being said, you are in an unfair situation and kudos to you for calling her out. Kudos to you for offering a solution as well rater than being a dick.

 

One more thing- it IS possible that she may not have physically cheated and it may be worth giving her the benefit of the doubt. If in fact that she hasn't, consider what it was in your relationship that kept her from doing so. Believe me- as a male who has been in your wife's situation and didn't physically cheat- there IS a difference and takes a great deal of self control.

 

Regardless of how wrong the reason was for her cheating on you, there is a reason- and you BOTH need to find out what it is. BOTH of you MUST have an open mind if you want to stay together.

 

Tried to be as unbiased as possible. Best of luck to you. Hang in there. Find some friends and don't say or do anything that you may regret later.

Last edited by stone22; 27th February 2009 at 6:55 PM..

[whoknows6619]

3 years ago when I had an affair I looked everywhere for support and advise. It is so hard how and after such a long time I still can't figure out how I could have fallen for a freind and husband of someone I knew. The affair ended and we were the only people who knew. I am sure his wife suspected but I have since learned that he has had other affairs so she probably never wanted to confront it. For a long time I successfully avoided social contact with this person and recently for many reasons we are back in contact on the most minimul level. After three years it still hurts. But most importantly when I am around him it makes me feel alive the contact only makes me want to see him more. This person will always be in close proximity to me and my familiy. So now I guess it is my responsibtlity to manage it... The right answer would be not to go to the end of season sports dinner, but I probably will even though I know it is not the right thing to do for many reasons. The more I see the person, the more I think about him the more I want to see him. In the end it depends on you but the road gets easier but it is long and hard, time does heal all wounds but the bandaide falls off and the wound stings alot along the way. Best off luck to you.........

[merlot]

Thank you everyone for your advice and support. It's been three weeks now since the EA was exposed, and my husband and I are moving forward millimeter by millilmeter everyday. We have found a MC we both like, and we save hot button issues until we can discuss them in front of the MC. We have decided that we are going to try and make this marriage work, but we both know it will take lots of time, healing, and changes in our relationship to get there. I still see the guy I had the EA with in passing at work, but we mostly try to avoid each other. It still hurts to have lost the friendship, but I am focusing on getting from my husband the needs that I had that were being met by the other man. I still think about the OM occasionally, but more in the sense that I miss having him as a friend to talk to. I think about him less and less each day though, so that has been encouraging. I am trying to learn all I can in MC for now, and apply it to my marriage.