emotional affair, how long to get over the "other man/woman"?

[merlot]

I have recently found myself involved in a short lived emotional affair with a friend I've had for almost 5 years. The friendship was always close, and I believe there was always mutual attraction, but it was never spoken of or acted on even though we saw each other at work daily.

 

All that changed when my friend and I began working side by side in a high stakes job recently. We turned out to work well together as a team, and our conversations became more frequent and we began sharing intimate details of both of our marriages and lives. My spouse found evidence of the affair (that went no further than inappropriate conversations and text messaging with sexual overtones between me and this other married person, no physical contact). The time frame of the inappropriate texting was about one to two weeks, but by the end of that time things were progressing down a reckless road fast.

 

My spouse confronted me and my friend's wife with the evidence of the 100's of texts between us. My spouse knows dates and times of the text conversations but not the dialouge between the two of us.

 

Since this discovery, I have moved positions at work so as to cut off the communication and contact with this other man, and to put my spouse's mind at ease about where I stand on wanting to work things out in our marriage.

 

Here's my problem: I got emotionally involved. And a whole lot deeper than I was willing to admit to myself in the process. When do those feelings go away? I feel more alone than ever now. My spouse can't stand me, and threating divorce, I can't talk to my friend as he doesn't want to lose his spouse either, and I know to rebuild anything with my spouse, contact with my friend had to stop. It all hurts so bad. I know I have no right to complain, but I really thought things would fizzle out on their own and nobody would get hurt. How wrong I was! The whole time I was texting with my friend, I enjoyed the attention. He did things for me, little favors, buy me coffee in the morning on the way to work, ask how I was doing, compliment me, stay late to talk with me about things, etc. I just felt taken care of in a way. And he told me he felt the same from me.

 

So once the emotional infidelity was discovered, that all went away. Abruptly. No closure. 100 miles and hour to hitting a brick wall Our last discussion he told me how he was so sorry to lose my friendship, that it was the worst part, and I wholehardly agreed. He told me he enjoyed my attentions and that's the way I felt about him too. It was like a kick in the stomach. So now we still work in the same building having as little contact as possible with each other. This will continue for approximately 3 and 1/2 more months as we both are under contractual obligations to our employer. I can't even begin to describe the hurt that I feel to not be able to have his attentions or at the very least (friendly) conversations anymore.

 

I guess what I really want to know is this: After a healing period, and how long does that take?? Is it possible to be able to even go back to friends who talk about work only, although in a friendly way like we used to before the EA came about? I am avoiding him and he is avoiding me but when I have seen him in passing, he still looks at me the same way as last week when the affair began in earnest. I realize it's been less than a week, but when will my feelings fade for this man? I wish it coulld be like a light switch I could just cut off. I love my husband very much, but my friendand I shared a deep affection for each other and that's hard to turn off, but I truly do want to work things out with with my husband. He and I used to have the kind of marriage everybody was envious of, and I counted myself as one of the luckiest women in the world. I just don't know how it got so off track. Marriage counseling begins for us early next week. I am putting all my faith into being able to get some resolution throught the counseling.

 

Any words of advice or been-there-done-that this is how it is would surely help. Thanks for reading my long post.

 

Merlot

[whichwayisup]

Start by allowing your husband to feel what he feels. Don't deny him that.. Answer all that he asks of you...Any questions etc.. Give him your email password and access to your cell anytime he pleases, show him that you can and will be trustworthy again.

 

Right now your husbands faith and trust is gone, his world turned upside down. I understand you're hurting but whatever you do, DO NOT contact the OM, or try to talk to him. The closure is, you're married, he's married and you both allowed inappropriate friendship with feelings to develop. Accept your part in the EA, and that should give you enough closure.

 

Do the marriage counselling and also see the MC on your own as well.

[LadyDi]

Sorry, there is no time limit. It all depends on so many things. But most likely it won't even begin until after the 3 1/2 months and you're out of the same building/job site. Stay busy is the only advise I can give. It helps a little.

[merlot]

Thanks for the quick responses /advice. I'm still caught up in the emotional bit of it all. I'm trying to give myself time to get over this OM, and he seems to be doing the same in my regard as far as I can tell. We haven't spoken since Monday (The day after the discovery of the EA.) except to ask each other :1)are you okay, to which we both give each other a sad smile and say "no, not really" 2)how are things at home? 3)and wish each other luck.. It's been the hardest three days of my life between work and home. It kills me to know I've devastated my husband and I feel even worse than that my feelings of affection for the OM haven't gone away quicker than I expected them too. I now realize my heart was in deeper than I ever thoght or admitted to myself. My husband travels a lot for work so it's pretty lonely around here a lot of the time. It was nice to have someone to talk to. I've never done anything close to an A of any kind before so this whole process of trying to heal my marriage and me is all so new. I'm trying to lean on friends, and I'm happy my husband is willing to give the MC a go.

[LakesideDream]

Thanks for the quick responses /advice. I'm still caught up in the emotional bit of it all. I'm trying to give myself time to get over this OM, and he seems to be doing the same in my regard as far as I can tell. We haven't spoken since Monday (The day after the discovery of the EA.) except to ask each other :1)are you okay, to which we both give each other a sad smile and say "no, not really" 2)how are things at home? 3)and wish each other luck.. It's been the hardest three days of my life between work and home. It kills me to know I've devastated my husband and I feel even worse than that my feelings of affection for the OM haven't gone away quicker than I expected them too. I now realize my heart was in deeper than I ever thoght or admitted to myself. My husband travels a lot for work so it's pretty lonely around here a lot of the time. It was nice to have someone to talk to. I've never done anything close to an A of any kind before so this whole process of trying to heal my marriage and me is all so new. I'm trying to lean on friends, and I'm happy my husband is willing to give the MC a go.

 

 

You are suprised you are not "over" an emotional relationship in four days? ((shakes head)). If you expected something different you are deluded.

[signedin2008]

Thanks for the quick responses /advice. I'm still caught up in the emotional bit of it all. I'm trying to give myself time to get over this OM, and he seems to be doing the same in my regard as far as I can tell. We haven't spoken since Monday (The day after the discovery of the EA.) except to ask each other :1)are you okay, to which we both give each other a sad smile and say "no, not really" 2)how are things at home? 3)and wish each other luck.. It's been the hardest three days of my life between work and home. It kills me to know I've devastated my husband and I feel even worse than that my feelings of affection for the OM haven't gone away quicker than I expected them too. I now realize my heart was in deeper than I ever thoght or admitted to myself. My husband travels a lot for work so it's pretty lonely around here a lot of the time. It was nice to have someone to talk to. I've never done anything close to an A of any kind before so this whole process of trying to heal my marriage and me is all so new. I'm trying to lean on friends, and I'm happy my husband is willing to give the MC a go.

 

What are you willing to do to take away those feelings you have for OM? Are you willing to put it to end now?

 

Your husband need to expose you to your boss and your OM's boss about the emotional affair and he need to expose it to your parents, your siblings, and your family as well as your husband's family. You need to be ashamed and embarrased to get back to reality. That will end all the fantasy you have with the OM and your feelings for him or long for him will be gone soon.

 

Are you willing willing to do the exposure yourself? I thought so. You're just another cheater who doesn't want to end it NOW.

[TOWinNYC]

You're just another cheater who doesn't want to end it NOW.

 

Wow SI2008 - I haven't been to LS in a while and it's nice to see that you're STILL on the angry train. You obviously can't relate to the anyone so remind me why you're here again? (according to you you're "not" a BS and you think WS/OW/OM don't deserve the air they breathe)

 

Merlot is already feeling bad - okay? She wants to make her marriage work but she's hurting - because something that was special to her had to end. And she had to do it. Do you know how difficult that is? I bet you have NO IDEA.

 

So no need to make her feel worse.

 

Merlot sweetie, it's just going to take time (and sometimes it takes a LONG time - just know that). I'm sorry but that's how it goes. Even when it was "just" an EA, even if you thought it was going to fizzle out, even if all the sudden you realize you were in deeper than you thought (which is the worst part of it all)......

 

I'm happy for you and your H that the two of you are going to MC. Wishing you the best of luck! It's the first step.

[jasminetea]

I guess any emotional investment will take a long time to get over. But I wonder if its harder to get over if it never became physical. It can remain a dream of perfection in soft focus, with no reality to put it in perspective. He may have terrible fungal nail infections or permanent dingle berries I'm not suggesting that you go ahead and make it physical, btw! Nonononono! But maybe imagining him as less than perfect may go someway to easing the feeling of loss.

 

Anyway that aside, as your H is away a lot, it would be great if you could make a larger circle of friends (female!) that you could share with and get that emotional support from. Maybe take up a new hobby or do an evening class. It would give you something to feel good about and it would also go some way to reassure your husband about what you're doing when he's not there.

[grogster]

You're feeling something strongly akin to grief. You and your MM were primed to consummate your relationship, but discovery has thwarted your goals.

 

The good part is that you were not knee deep in the affair. It was short lived and did not become physical.

 

The bad part is that both of you still have strong feelings for one another--a need for each other that resembles the strongest addictions. An Affair is the crack cocaine of romance--even yours.

 

What we have is Affairus Interruptus, and it's ripping you in two. On one hand, your responsible self is happy that your EA was caught early. On the other hand, the woman in you has regrets, pain and longing.

 

Your feelings for this MM will be very intense for the next 6-12 months. Over time, with absolutely no contact, those feelings, the longing, the pain, will subside. A year or two from now you'll be happy knowing that you and your lover were stopped and caught standing at the edge of the cliff. For once you jump off, it's very, very difficult to climb back up.

 

Good luck.

[2sure]

I understand that you miss him. But read over what you wrote about what it is you miss. You miss the conversation, the little favors, the attention. Consciously or not , you didnt mention missing anything specific about him.

 

No doubt, it is wonderful to have a friend, a confidant. Everyone likes attention and to be cared for in little ways. The things you describe that you miss - are the qualities of a friendship. And who doesnt want friends, especially a special friend. I'd love one and sadly dont really have any good good friends in my circle right now. Its something I need to address.

 

But when we have a chance to have this special friend, and its guy...there is almost always that chance that it could lead to something more - which is why most married couples dont have "special" friends of the opposite sex. Especially when the friendship does not involve both spouses.

 

I think you will be fine , I think what you miss is a confidant, a friend, someone who cares and does those little thoughtful things.

 

Having had one and now not having one is what you miss.

[samprez]

Merlot. Going through this now myself. You will go through the stages of seperation like you would when a normal relationship ends. Research them...disbelief, grief, anger and acceptance. Plus you are dealing with your H. I totally understand this. I'm there right now.

 

You just have to go through it and I'm finding that NC is amazingly helpful because it removes the contact. I've come to learn that any contact; AT ALL continues the relationship.

 

Just do your best and get distracted. Post out here and yell at yahoo's that tell you to expose your "shame" to the world and that's the only way to repentence. The facts are that the price we are paying is significant and sufficient.

 

Hope this helps.

[jwi71]

Merlot,

 

I cannot see your M getting ANY better until you have NC with the OM. Now, NC means NO and not limited contact. That means NONE. Zero. Zip. Zilch.

 

Until you can achieve that you are wasting your time, you H's time and your MC's time. Every contact with your OM rekindles and continues the affair.

 

And NOTHING gets better until the A ends. Which, in your case, means NEVER SEEING, TALKING or COMMUNICATING with the OM EVER. Which is impossible given the situation. So....

 

Quit your job. Its really that simple. Being a contract (ie a 1099) employee does NOT mean you CANNOT simply quit. They CAN'T FORCE you to work. Thats called slavery (or indentured servitude) and it hasn't been around since the South lost in 1865.

 

So quit, cancel your cell phone and give your email passwords to your H. Go to MC and be prepared for a brutal 2-3 years provided your M lasts that long.

[Meaplus3]

I guess what I really want to know is this: After a healing period, and how long does that take?? Is it possible to be able to even go back to friends who talk about work only, although in a friendly way like we used to before the EA came about?

 

Well, we all heal at our own rates. But, one important part of the healing process here in an ea.. is to break the emotional connection that you have with this man. Now, if you work with him that may be tough because, NC is the key IMO. So, for you just dealing with him when and if you have to and keeping it stictly business is probably your best bet. Can you go back to beign friends? The answer is NO. I have been there.. and going back to friends does not work after having romantic feelings.

 

 

He and I used to have the kind of marriage everybody was envious of, and I counted myself as one of the luckiest women in the world. I just don't know how it got so off track. Marriage counseling begins for us early next week. I am putting all my faith into being able to get some resolution throught the counseling.

 

 

I think counseling will help you to figure out just where your marriage got off track. Good luck.

 

Mea:)

[grogster]

Merlot, the advice you're receiving, for the most part, is spot on. Those of us who have been where you are now, agree on one key point: with the exception of work obligations, you must have absolutely no contact with this man, none.

 

That man must disappear, forever. Otherwise, your marriage is a dead man walking.

 

There is no middle ground that will save your marriage, your sanity and your self-respect.

[whichwayisup]

My husband travels a lot for work so it's pretty lonely around here a lot of the time. It was nice to have someone to talk to.

 

Ironic thing is, NOW you're leaning on friends for support...Why didn't you rely on them and spend time with them when you were lonely while your husband was out of Town working?

 

You can NEVER be friends with him again. That's not fair to your husband or his wife. It's not healthy for your marriage and it definately won't help when it comes to trust issues..I mean, imagine if your husband was the one who cheated with a co worker..Could you and would you trust him and be OK with him being friends with the OW? My guess is no.

[merlot]

What are you willing to do to take away those feelings you have for OM? Are you willing to put it to end now?

 

Your husband need to expose you to your boss and your OM's boss about the emotional affair and he need to expose it to your parents, your siblings, and your family as well as your husband's family. You need to be ashamed and embarrased to get back to reality. That will end all the fantasy you have with the OM and your feelings for him or long for him will be gone soon.

 

Are you willing willing to do the exposure yourself? I thought so. You're just another cheater who doesn't want to end it NOW.

 

 

Well normally I don't respond to posts that aren't constructive, but I'll make an exception this time...

 

Both my co worker and I have come clean to my boss. She knows what's going on between the co worker and I, and has facilitated with my position transfer so the OM and I no longer have to work together. I have told my parents, sibling, and my husband's sibling. I am ashamed. I am embarrassed. I'm trying like hell to work through this with my husband, but once an emotional connection has been made, it takes time to fade. That is what my original post was asking since you didn't seem to bother reading it and chose to bash instead. I welcome any constructive advice, even if it's hard to hear.

 

That said, thank you to the posters who have offered their constructive advice and words of wisdom. It has helped me to hear from those of you who actually know what I'm dealing with right now and are experiencing or have experienced the same emotional turmoil.

 

I never expected to develop these feelings for this OM, I thought it was a long term friendship that developed harmless flirtation and flattery within the last week or so. I was wrong. Now I'm blindslided with the feelings I kept denying to myself all along that were developing, and now that it's really over, it does hurt. It was naive of me to think I'd just get over it as soon as the EA was discovered, but I thought that's how it was going to go. I've never been in this situation before, I never expected to feel as hurt as I do.

 

On a lighter note, each day is getting better. I know in my heart that I will not be with this OM, that it was a fantasy that got out of hand. I have hope that giving myself time, like other posters have said, it will continue to get easier. I am looking forward to attending marriage counseling with my husband because I never stopped loving him, and I miss him. I know he needs time too, and I'm trying to give him that. It's just hard to lose your husband on one hand and the person who was providing for all the emotional needs that were lacking in the first place on the other hand. I want to get back to having that connection with my husband and not feel vulnerable to the attentions of OM ever again.

[merlot]

Wow SI2008 - I haven't been to LS in a while and it's nice to see that you're STILL on the angry train. You obviously can't relate to the anyone so remind me why you're here again? (according to you you're "not" a BS and you think WS/OW/OM don't deserve the air they breathe)

 

Merlot is already feeling bad - okay? She wants to make her marriage work but she's hurting - because something that was special to her had to end. And she had to do it. Do you know how difficult that is? I bet you have NO IDEA.

 

So no need to make her feel worse.

 

Merlot sweetie, it's just going to take time (and sometimes it takes a LONG time - just know that). I'm sorry but that's how it goes. Even when it was "just" an EA, even if you thought it was going to fizzle out, even if all the sudden you realize you were in deeper than you thought (which is the worst part of it all)......

 

I'm happy for you and your H that the two of you are going to MC. Wishing you the best of luck! It's the first step.

 

Thank you so much for your kind words. I feel like you do understand. Your post has helped me...

[signedin2008]

That said, thank you to the posters who have offered their constructive advice and words of wisdom.

 

You are welcome.

[65tr6]

I am avoiding him and he is avoiding me but when I have seen him in passing, he still looks at me the same way as last week when the affair began in earnest. I realize it's been less than a week, but when will my feelings fade for this man?

 

can you not quit your current job or find another job ?

 

. Marriage counseling begins for us early next week. I am putting all my faith into being able to get some resolution throught the counseling.

Merlot

merlot.....my wife had both ea+pa for over an year...Couple of things...

 

It has been over 4 months since she had the NC in place. She still has strong feelings as she comes out of the fog but I suspect another 6 months before she is completely out. NC is the key as other posters have said.

 

Also one more thing...please dont put entire faith into couseling and pray that it works like magic. Take the initiative on your own. Try to meet your husband needs. Answer all the questions your husband may have....It is a long journey.

[merlot]

That make sense about not putting all my eggs in one basket as far as the counseling goes. I know the real work is going to have to be done by my husband and me. (Me especially!) My hope is that through the counseling we will both feel like we have a safe place to figure out how this all came to a head, and get some tools to repair our marriage. It gives me a glimmer of hope to know that he is at least willing to go to counseling with me. I am taking that as a sign that he is at least willing to listen and vent to a neutral third party about things that have occurred in our marriage leading up to this point.

 

For right now, things are of course are still very raw and I am leaning on my girlfriends for support and to try to understand my husband's perspective. It is a process of grief for both of us. I am happy to say that as each day passes I feel less and less for this OM, and I'm hoping to get back to getting the feelings from my husband that I was getting from the OM.

 

I love my husband, and I really hope that with time and work he will be able to forgive me, and we can move forward. I'd give anything to have back with him what we used to have. I don't know if it will be possible, but I sure hope so.

[anubis08]

Ive got to write in on this one. I am the HUSBAND, and several of you have posted on my thread. SHe saw that I was posting here and decided to do the same. good for her.

 

I will complicate the matter though in the fact that your ties sweetie are deeper than you think. I have been with you for 10 years this nov and I can see it in your eyes. The pain created from this is greater than I ever thought. it really hurts bad. At the same time I know that you are hurting. Ive accepted that.

 

Maybe this is a good place to converse on this. Ive said from day one that there needs to be NC. it was broke by monday morning and again on tuesday. Not only that but it was broke at third time when you sent me a text while I was out of the country that stated emails were not allowed between the 2 of you. RED FLAG:mad: You agian tried to contact him on friday through an account which I have no access to.

 

Most of the info here you have to pick and choice through. Im not looking to see her bashed in any way, nor is the advise helpful if thats your motive. I have put manyof the posts in my thread out of my head cause they are just useless banter. But there are many here and in my thread that hold a lot of meaning to me. I hope some good comes for the both of us to be able to talk adn get info from so many different views.

[merlot]

So that was quick. I'm not a good hider of things. (obviously) Anubis08 is my husband if you guys haven't figured that out by now. I guess it's become obvious here that he and I have a very difficult time of face to face communication. He can read me like a book, but I don't feel the same that I can read him as well.

 

Actually, I'm glad he's seen my posts, because they were from the heart, I meant every word, and I was hoping that for at least a little while I could talk with him about my feelings and maybe he'd listen thinking they were coming from some annoynmous person. Thats okay though, I'd rather know how he really feels and I'd like him to know how I really feel. I have been hurting over the loss of the attention that I was getting outside my marriage. But I did mean every world I said about it fading day by day, and wanting the attentions of my husband.

 

What anubis and I had at one point was the creame de la creame. I feel like such a f**k up for blowing it. I am taking full ownership of my bad choices in this. I was wrong. I hurt a lot of people. On the other hand, marriages don't get to this point for no reason. I am hoping with all my heart that marriage counseling can help to put us on the road to a recovery. I love my husband, and I want happiness in our marriage again if he chooses to stay.

[65tr6]

Maybe this is a good place to converse on this. Ive said from day one that there needs to be NC. it was broke by monday morning and again on tuesday. Not only that but it was broke at third time when you sent me a text while I was out of the country that stated emails were not allowed between the 2 of you. RED FLAG:mad: You agian tried to contact him on friday through an account which I have no access to. .

 

merlot, I TOTALLY agree with your husband. Let me ask you this bluntly, you say you will do anything to have your husband back so why would you break the NC ? I dont understand.

 

My wife never said she will do anything to have me back (though I would LOVE to hear that from her) but you know what ? She is in total NC since the dday. I will take that for now.

 

So please do as your husband says. Total NC for rest of your life. That is a minimum.

 

He is giving you a second chance. Grab it with both hands. Start talking to your husband on daily basis. Be honest. Let the truth come out. Answer any questions he may have. Let him decide if the answers hurt him or not. Not you. Make sense ? Best wishes to both of you.

[65tr6]

I guess it's become obvious here that he and I have a very difficult time of face to face communication. .

Then change it. Look him in the eye when you talk to him. Face to Face. It is very awkward in the beginning...It was for us. But we are making lot of progress.

[merlot]

I am grabbing my second chance with both hands and anything else I've got to give.

I attempted a WORK email about a WORK situation. When it didn't go through, I realized my boss was doing me and the OM a huge favor...she has a lot of history with this herself that has come out in our confidences. Not exact same situation, but similar.

And you know what? That's okay with me for no work emails. My whole point in sending a work email was so that I didn't have to have a face to face discussion with the OM. I didn't want to talk to him in that regard. I immediately notified my husband about the whole thing. I thought maybe it would help, but now I'm second guessing. Maybe I never should have said anything in the first place. I'm doing everything I can to be an open book to my husband. I wanted him to know.

Bottom line, Work situation is this: I have to work there for 3 and 1/2 more months. There are a lot of family financial obligaitions for my husband and me that would blow out of the water if I were to quit right now, also work reputation, and child care considerations. I have to keep this job for the next 3 1/2 months, then I will be moving on. My husband and I are trying to have our children affected by this as little as possible. If I quit my job, our whole household would turn upside worse than it is now

That said, I am trying for no face-to-face contact with this OM until these 3 1/2 months are over. Sometimes it's not as easy as it seems when it comes to employment + child care + money. Without this job we woulld be in an even worse bind.