thecapper Posted February 25, 2009 Posted February 25, 2009 Greetings all, This is my first post here at LS, and what a wonderful resource it seems to be. I wanted to share the thoughts in this post, both as a way of venting for myself, and as a preventative measure so that some of you fellas out there don’t end up in the position I currently find myself in. I wasn't sure which board to post this in, so I'm putting it in a couple of places. Mods, feel free to delete from wherever it doesn't belong. If you’re reading this forum, you’re probably in a relationship with a woman you care deeply about. For three years, I was dating/engaged to the most beautiful girl in the world. She had it all: charm, personality, looks, brains, confidence, and an amazing heart. Best of all, she loved me as much as I loved her. It was like a fairy tale (might seem a little “fruity” for a 24-year-old guy to say that, but it was the truth). Sure, I had dated and liked other girls before. But this girl was the one, and there was no doubt in my mind. The first two and a half years of our relationship were the happiest times of my life. We got engaged, moved in together, and began planning our wedding, family, and future. But then it all started to go downhill. We would fight very often, about stupid little things. She told me she felt unappreciated, but I thought it was just a phase that would pass. I could tell she was unhappy with me, but I was too busy with other parts of my life (working my ass off to save for our future, trying to finish my degree) to take the necessary action. I thought to myself, “we will be together forever, everything will work itself out.” I never hit her, cheated on her, or lied to her. But pretty much everything else that I could have done wrong, I did. Not paying attention to her. Yelling at her about the stupidest little things. Not showing affection. Not making it clear that I loved her more than anything in the world, which I did. Not doing the little things I did for the first two years. And worst of all, not doing anything to better myself and fix it. I told her things would change. She made such an effort to get better for me with the things that I didn’t like about her (which really were no big deal anyway). But I was so full of myself I never really made the effort. And all the while, she stuck by me 100%, keeping a brave face in an effort to convince herself she was still happy with me, with us. I kept telling myself “we love each other so much, she’ll never leave, it will be ok.” That is until this past November. She came home one day and uttered those four dreaded words: “We need to talk.” She said she felt suffocated and needed to go stay with a friend for a while. I begged and pleaded to no avail. She left for four days. All the while, she kept calling and texting me about how much she loved me and wanted it to work. I felt the same way. But when she came back, things were not the same. I knew I was losing her, so I panicked and became a mess. She saw this and left for good on November 25, three months ago to the day. I did what everyone says not to do. I cried. Begged. Pleaded. Nothing worked. All she kept saying was that I hurt her too much and she needed time apart to heal if we were to ever be together again. I decided to give her the space she needed, and we went no contact until New Year’s Eve. During this time, I missed her dearly, but the emotion I felt most was shock. How could she leave me here all alone? She was my partner and she just bailed when times got tough. How could she give up on me so easily? My sadness turned to anger, then to hate. As the days went by, I started to realize that it wasn’t all her fault. In fact, it was 95% my doing. I had been seeing a counselor for 6 weeks since the breakup. He helped me see all my flaws. I vowed to change, whether it be for her or for the next relationship. But the truth was, I wanted to change for her just as much as I wanted to change for myself. She was always the perfect partner to me. I owed it to her to make it up to her for all the pain I caused her. And most importantly of all, I still loved her more than life itself. Fast forward four more weeks to the beginning of February. I learn that she already has a new boyfriend, a man 15 years her elder from work. Obviously this crushes me. Since this, we have hung out a few times. It’s torture to me, as we are together like we used to be, but in the back of my mind I know that when the day is over, she is going home to another man. Despite all this, I can’t bring myself to cut her out of my life completely. It would be too much. When we are together, the way she acts, the look in her eye, I can tell that despite what she thinks, what she wants, she still has feelings for me. But I also know that she has built up a wall for me around her heart so that she never gets hurt again. And as long as there is another guy in the picture, I won’t get a fair chance to knock that wall down. I have to fade away, move on with my life, and not drive myself crazy hoping for a second chance that will probably never come. Not a day goes by where I don’t replay all the times in my head I didn’t treat her as well as I should have. Still, I think I’m a good guy and that I deserve another shot. Another shot to prove to her I can be the man I was when things were good, the man she deserves. I want her to be happy, with or without me. But deep down I know that there is not a man on this earth who would cherish her the way I would. I’d give up my limbs to have her again, to treat her like the queen that she is to me. It really is true what they say: you don’t know what you’ve got until it’s gone. So, why am I sharing this with you guys? So that you don’t make the mistakes I made. Appreciate her. Make her feel loved. If you guys truly have a bond, she will warn you before she leaves. Don’t ignore the signs like I did. LISTEN to her when she brings up issues in the relationship. WORK on them before it’s too late. Most important of all, DO NOT TAKE HER FOR GRANTED!! I can tell you from experience, you do not want to wake up every morning thinking how she could be there sleeping next to you, but is instead in the arms of another man because you didn’t make the effort when you had the chance. Just some words of advice. God bless.
mr.dream merchant Posted February 25, 2009 Posted February 25, 2009 Man my girlfriend is being a bitch right now though. She wanted to go out tonight and wanted a dinner and a movie. I have no room in my budget for that, so I kindly told her that I could only do one or the other. Now she doesn't want to see me because she feels as if I dont want to spend money on her. What the **** man.
Author thecapper Posted February 25, 2009 Author Posted February 25, 2009 Man my girlfriend is being a bitch right now though. She wanted to go out tonight and wanted a dinner and a movie. I have no room in my budget for that, so I kindly told her that I could only do one or the other. Now she doesn't want to see me because she feels as if I dont want to spend money on her. What the **** man. If she doesn't want to see you anymore over that kind of little thing, then I wouldn't sweat her. My message is to people in serious relationships. A girl who leaves you cause she can't have dinner one night isn't exactly serious.
carhill Posted February 25, 2009 Posted February 25, 2009 OP, my sympathies. Read some more and hang around. Surfaces are an interesting concept Personally, I think all women should be artificially inseminated with bull semen In outer space .... Seriously, you're young and learned a great life lesson. You'll learn many more. Welcome to the human race
mr.dream merchant Posted February 25, 2009 Posted February 25, 2009 Well maybe I should elaborate. It is a serious relationship. I've spent loads of money on her throughout the relationship. But now I'm budgeting because I don't have much to my name. Today we were supposed to go out, originally for a movie. She wanted to have dinner as well. I asked if she was treating. She got an attitude. I explained to her why I asked and she got upset, getting dramatic and saying never to spend money on her again, don't take her to the movies, this and that. I mean, am I wrong for not wanting to spend 50 dollars in one night because I'm on a budget? She didn't leave me, but she stated she doesn't want to see me tonight which has me pissed because I've been waiting since Saturday to see her. It may very well be till this Saturday before I see her again. We argued, and yeah, I said some mean things to her because at the time, the way she was acting, she very much deserved it. Now reading your post, should I be kicking myself in the ass for being mean to my GF who is unreasonable at the moment? I mean me being temporarily broke isn't something she should be upset over, if anything if she really loved me she should understand where I'm coming from and try to accomodate it, not guilt trip me into spending money, what the ****...
carhill Posted February 25, 2009 Posted February 25, 2009 Women get "attitudes". Calmly state your position and let it go at that. Ask yourself "why would I want to invest my time and energy this week in someone who treats me like that?". Or next week, for that matter Expect what is expected of you. That's healthy.
Touche Posted February 25, 2009 Posted February 25, 2009 Mr. Dream, why not start your own thread? She sounds like a real peach by the way. It's women like her who give the rest of us a bad name. Anyway...the capper, so sorry for everything you went though. We've all made our mistakes. My feeling is it just wasn't meant to be. I think one day you'll know what I mean.
movingonandon Posted February 25, 2009 Posted February 25, 2009 I (selfishly) think that you are *too hard* on yourself. I went through a similar process after my ex dumped me, and realized many of the same mistakes you made. But, I also realized that she had plenty of issues of her own. The difference is that I stuck by her no matter what, while she didn't - she left for the same vague reasons your ex did. So definitely keep what you've learned, but don't forget that it is always a two way street. I mean no disrespect for your ex, but it would be highly unusual if she had no flaws of her own (perhaps ones that would trigger 'misbehavior' on your part too.) Your'e by no means innocent, but you're not the only culprit. It's okay to forgive yourself. You haven't done anything most guys who still mature don't routinely do. this passage here resonated particularly closely with me: "I could tell she was unhappy with me, but I was too busy with other parts of my life (working my ass off to save for our future, trying to finish my degree) to take the necessary action. I thought to myself, “we will be together forever, everything will work itself out.” You know, she owed it to you (as my ex owed it to me), to understand this and be supportive instead of obsessing over the vague sense of discomfort due to you being a human with limited capacity to deal with more than one major problem at once. Yes, this was a phase that would have passed with some more devotion on her side... My, and multiple experiences like yours reinforce my conviction that women are opportunistic creatures that simply do not understand the meaning of the word "commitment" anymore
Ruby Slippers Posted February 26, 2009 Posted February 26, 2009 Please. Most of us women here could say the same: My, and multiple experiences like yours reinforce my conviction that men are opportunistic creatures that simply do not understand the meaning of the word "commitment" anymore
ruggy Posted February 26, 2009 Posted February 26, 2009 Dude, you need to see Captain Jack. He'll make you feel alright.
D-1 Posted February 26, 2009 Posted February 26, 2009 'thecapper' your post is some of the wisest words I've heard. It's very thoughtful of you to post this on here. I know exactly how you're feeling as I went through the same situation with someone from a four and a half year r'ship. I thought and acted in everyway you mentioned (not cheating, lying - working hard for our future security - not showing enough affection even though she stood by myside etc...) Needless to say I lost her and I wish I could turn back time too but hindsight is a wonderful thing. She is with someone else and has been for two years but as she will always hold a special place in my heart I just want her to be happy even though it is with someone else. If she is happy then I'm happy. Unfortunately my friend even though your words are very wise I don't think people will heed your advice until it's too late. They won't see it coming until it's hit them. So I'll second this to all who's out there. If she is the one and stands by you do everything you can to please her. Even though you may not feel like doing it just do it. I've been on plenty of dates since my ex and none of them are a patch on her. Life is about learning on this journey.
calazhage Posted February 26, 2009 Posted February 26, 2009 Well, you are only human. She left you and quickly found another man. If you did not work a lot, you would not have money. Then she would leave you for not being "ambitious". If you did not argue with her at times, she would leave you for being a "doormat". If you did not beg to get her back, maybe she would think you did not care. Who knows why she left. You cannot blame yourself for not being perfect. Maybe you were too nice, as she felt "suffocated".
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