Author samprez Posted February 23, 2009 Author Share Posted February 23, 2009 Today is first full week of NC. I have decided that as of today, I am done with her and her H. Whatever happens happens. She's going to deal with her situation and her problems, if they come to my door down the road, I will deal with it then. I will tell the H to deal with his own house. I will tell her I love my wife, leave me alone. I'm dealing with a lot at once and I am doing ok. This board has allowed me to vent and speculate and deal. I'm coming along. Link to post Share on other sites
Reggie Posted February 23, 2009 Share Posted February 23, 2009 Well, at least seek therapy to see if you have a personality disorder or some other problem that led you to be unfaithful. Link to post Share on other sites
Author samprez Posted February 23, 2009 Author Share Posted February 23, 2009 Did you read any of my words? I'm in therapy and we're in couples therapy. Link to post Share on other sites
Reggie Posted February 23, 2009 Share Posted February 23, 2009 Well, that's good. Hopefully , you can get help with your problems and figure out how to live honestly. Link to post Share on other sites
jj33 Posted February 23, 2009 Share Posted February 23, 2009 Samprez have you met the ignore button? It hides posts from people that you think will not be helpful at this time, much as they may mean well. It makes reading a lot easier when you have so much else to contend with. You can see the posts when you are not signed in but they are hidden when you are signed in. Link to post Share on other sites
lovestory5 Posted February 24, 2009 Share Posted February 24, 2009 Hello fellow. My opinion is that he really thinks that she deceives him. He waits for some time. He understands that she is scary now and that she will do everything to hide the name. the number. She should have changed the name beforehand. And you should be called Julia or Kate. : ) You should not have the correspondecne now at all, just to make clear that nothing has happened. Link to post Share on other sites
Author samprez Posted February 24, 2009 Author Share Posted February 24, 2009 Yep, I agree. I can't do squat about it, so she's on her own with that. I'm pretty sure that she likely threw me under the bus but that's par of the course (for Reggie). But she can't explain the name change in the cell phone so easily. Either way, it doesn't effect me anymore. It's been interesting chat for me as I've gone through the stages of separation and have been trying to get things back on track. I can't undo what's been done and I can't control what I don't know. So if the H contacts me or my W, we'll deal with him then. If she recontacts me, I'll deal with that too. This thread has helped me a great deal because it's let me vent and speculate a bit and have some time to think and reflect. What a mess I've created but my W is cool and we're working our butts off to move ahead. Link to post Share on other sites
Author samprez Posted March 4, 2009 Author Share Posted March 4, 2009 Wanted to give an update: As of tonight, we're 2 plus weeks of solid NC. My cell phone is blocked from her (I figured this out with AT&T), IM is blocked, unconnected from her on Facebook. Email is blocked as well. I did sneak a check to see if her IM is on; it has not been since her H caught us texting. I have heard nothing from anyone about her. I actually think she's having serious trouble on her side, but short of knowing, it's wasted speculation. I used to think that she'd break NC at some point, now I believe that she won't. I won't either. I have a lot I want to say to her, but it's really only for my own mental health, and I refuse to get taken back to that place again. I actually believe that any contact returns us to the point of origin; and I can't experience the pain anymore. I write a lot now too. I write to her, to myself and Reggie will like this, to her H. I never send them, I delete them but they are theraputic for me. My W and I are up and down, mostly up. Starting MC and have both done our individual sessions with MC. I've continued with my IC and have both appointments scheduled for this week. It's going to be a long process, but my W and talk extensively and try to get through things as best we can. I know that she's been checking my email, but it's ok. She won't find anything. Same with the phone. I get it. I have no issue with her checking if it makes her feel better. We have a lot of work to do; and while the A wasn't her doing, we clearly have some issues we need to work out to have a happier life together. If the H ever confronts me (the original theme of this thread), I have my response ready for him. I doubt he will though, what good does it do? My W seems have not suggested her calling him or OW either. I did have a bad day yesterday and was longing or having those pangs this past weekend, but I fought through them by using markers of time to get to a safe place. Writing those emails and not sending them is great for me, because I kind of say everything I'm thinking, read them and realize that it will accomplish nothing for anyone. I will not be responsible any further for her or what she did. If her H finds out, she's on her own. I also think some of you were right and I got thrown under the bus here. So be it, I didn't do that to her. Oh well, live and learn. Thoughts? Link to post Share on other sites
Reggie Posted March 4, 2009 Share Posted March 4, 2009 Sounds good. How's your wife holding up? This is very tough on a BS. Link to post Share on other sites
Author samprez Posted March 4, 2009 Author Share Posted March 4, 2009 Reggie, as well as I can expect. She's up and down and is struggling. I'm doing everything I can to support her. I respect her and she's fighting like hell. I think the MC will be tough because the counselor isn't interested in rehashing the A, but talking about us. She's great and I'm proud of her. Link to post Share on other sites
Reggie Posted March 4, 2009 Share Posted March 4, 2009 Might be frustrating for her not to be able to get MC help on the affair aspect. It is a fairly prominent issue and it helps to have guidance for the interaction/discussions re this issue. I'd go nuts if my MC tied my hands and I would prefer having some expertise to keep the discussion from degenerating. How does she feel about this particular MC's approach/ I guess some delve right into it while others see it as an ancillary issue. Link to post Share on other sites
Author samprez Posted March 4, 2009 Author Share Posted March 4, 2009 She likes her. She's not ignoring it at all, but she sees it as a source of pain. I did have to explain in front of W and MC what I liked about OW. My W also brought a printed copy of the email that I got caught with. It's not that it's ignored, it's that she sees the A as the result of issues with us. She did tell us both that I own this completely and didn't put this on her at all. We purposefully chose a neutral MC and not my IC to avoid side taking. I'm confident it's not going away; the A, in discussion, but she wants to help us resolve this. It's a long road Reggie. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted March 4, 2009 Share Posted March 4, 2009 I did sneak a check to see if her IM is on You looked because? And the real reason? Were you hoping that there was a message on there for you or were you hoping she was online? Great that you've been in NC mode for 2 weeks BUT you're very focussed on her still. NC works when you don't allow yourself to think of her, you distract yourself, go talk to your wife instead.. I have no issue with her checking if it makes her feel better. And it should make you feel good since you have nothing to hide. I think the MC will be tough because the counselor isn't interested in rehashing the A, For now..The MC is focussing on the problems that led you to choose to cheat. I'm sure the MC will get to the A eventually.. Good that you're writing and not sending any emails...For theraputic reasons. Link to post Share on other sites
Author samprez Posted March 4, 2009 Author Share Posted March 4, 2009 Whichway...I looked to see if her IM was lit up..there'd be no message waiting the way it works. Why did I look? I'm human and I was curious. Remember, her H caught her texting, so I was wondering if there were other restrictions too. Look, I've been good in terms of not reacting and contacting... I'm pretty proud of myself to date on the post A activity. I'm doing my best and my W is rocking. Link to post Share on other sites
desertmoon Posted March 5, 2009 Share Posted March 5, 2009 Whichway...I looked to see if her IM was lit up..there'd be no message waiting the way it works. Why did I look? I'm human and I was curious. Remember, her H caught her texting, so I was wondering if there were other restrictions too. Look, I've been good in terms of not reacting and contacting... I'm pretty proud of myself to date on the post A activity. I'm doing my best and my W is rocking. You are doing very well, Samprez!!! I hope your wife will be able to come to terms with your infidelity...and yes, it is too soon...still, we are routing for you guys! One day at a time... Link to post Share on other sites
Author samprez Posted March 5, 2009 Author Share Posted March 5, 2009 Thanks DM!!! Ok, today was fun. 2 sessions. One on my own one with MC. Reggie, I was wrong, MC today was all about the A. My wife is doing great. She expressed herself and I heard all of her concerns and feelings. Very proud of her. Our MC is terrific. Really asking the right questions. We were bickering in front of her a few times and she really worked us through that. My IC was great today too. I'm still unhooking form OW and today we made huge progress. Today I stopped owning responsibility for her part in the A. I figured out earlier this week that I was for some reason taking on ownership for the A entirely. Today, I gave her back her half. I still own my part 100%. But I didn't lie to her H or her kids or hire babysitters to watch them. I was doing my thing on my side; but I didn't do a damn thing to force her to do thing. I hope this makes sense to some of you, but I feel like I can focus now on my W and I and I can let go of her problems. If her and her H have issues because of this, they are hers and his, not mine. Reggie, I know you'll disagree, but re-read what I said before you react. I own my part in this, not hers. Link to post Share on other sites
Reggie Posted March 9, 2009 Share Posted March 9, 2009 Good. Of course she was responsible for her actions and deception. I hope you guys heal. Too bad,though,her poor H remains inthe dark(possibly). Once you mentioned that if he contacted you, you'd have something to say to him about it. Almost sounded like you felt he was the bad guy in this(maybe I got that wrong). Guy may not have been the perfect H(who is) but, surely, he did not deserve this, eh? Link to post Share on other sites
Author samprez Posted March 9, 2009 Author Share Posted March 9, 2009 Reggie: I'm not sure he's in the dark, but I have no way of knowing. However, if he comes to my front door somehow (email, call, text, IM) What I would say is, "You and I each have issues in our own homes, please take care of yours, I will take care of mine. I'm sorry for all of this." I don't know what else what I can say to him. Link to post Share on other sites
Reggie Posted March 9, 2009 Share Posted March 9, 2009 Well, that would probably be enough to confirm the affair, I guess. When I conatcted the OM in my situation, I asked him about the truth of what folks were saying about him and my XW. All this dumbass could say was " I am not at liberty to talk about it." So, I knew right then and there I had it right. I also knew that he was scared of my XW, justifiably so, as she is a monstrous Narcissist(redundant?) capable of severe abuse.(by definition). I later thanked him for taking her out of my life. Link to post Share on other sites
Author samprez Posted March 16, 2009 Author Share Posted March 16, 2009 Four weeks of NC today and counting. I'm actually amazed that she's been able to hold off. I guess I don't fully know if this is true as her number is blocked on my cell phone. A friend of mine thinks that her H scared the crap out of her and that's fine too. Everyday the head becomes a little clearer. We've never gone this long and perhaps it's really finally over for us both. I still feel like I want closure but understand that it won't do any good for me. So I read out here and vent on in my unsent email messages. But 4 weeks, huh? Not bad on my part either. My IC is going well and so is MC. My W is still a trooper. Link to post Share on other sites
Reggie Posted March 16, 2009 Share Posted March 16, 2009 You know , S, I think "closure" is a new age, fuzzy, touchy feely thing that is a load of crap. I'm open to new ideas, but this type of thing, like 'soulmates" or "connection" just feels like a bunch of mumbo, jumbo, psychobabble(and I like psychotherapy). This should get easier as time goes on. Sounds like you have a really decent wife. Link to post Share on other sites
pkn06002 Posted March 16, 2009 Share Posted March 16, 2009 Reggie, Closure does work it just needs to be years down the road, it does nothing at the immediate time of the end. I had a woman I was involved with 13+ years ago give me closure a year ago. She did apologize for the way things ended. Tell you what up until that point I thought of her often because of how it ended. But after I got that e-mail I quit thinking about her and she truly became part of my past. Link to post Share on other sites
Reggie Posted March 16, 2009 Share Posted March 16, 2009 Well, I guess it is different for different folks. When my first wife, who serially cheated and was drunk all the time , came to me and aplogized years later for abandoning the kids and chasing her OM, I felt exactly the same as I always have: She's an *******. Did not change a thing. I think "closure" like most things we crave, can come from within oneself. You just need to get your head around certain facts, like that some people are just a-holes. I wish it was more profound than that. Just stay the **** away from toxic people That's your closure. Link to post Share on other sites
Author samprez Posted March 16, 2009 Author Share Posted March 16, 2009 From where I am on my situation, I can tell you that I'm irrationally mad at MW and was really put off with how she communicated with me the last time. Having said that, I'm smart enough to know that any contact is stupid and will set me back to the beginning of this process. So closure for me will have to be found in some other format in some other way. This week my IC is going to do my session as if she's there. He's helping me compartmentalize things and see the "movie" with an ending I can manage. Having said that, I have also come to learn that people have to deal with things in their way. I know that contact will lead us down a bad path again. Which leads me to a new question in my "new question thread." Do people out here think that affair partners are doomed to fall back into affairs again with each other? I get the NC thing for all practical reasons, but I've seen posts where it seems people go 6 months of NC and then fall back in. Why? Link to post Share on other sites
pkn06002 Posted March 16, 2009 Share Posted March 16, 2009 Do people out here think that affair partners are doomed to fall back into affairs again with each other? I get the NC thing for all practical reasons, but I've seen posts where it seems people go 6 months of NC and then fall back in. Why? Why because the relationship was never finished. Those dangling questions can lead you back down the path. Link to post Share on other sites
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