She love's me but isn't in love with me?

[LucreziaBorgia]

I honestly love my wife and our family and would like this to work out. I never thought that I would be able to forgive an EA, but now that I am in this situation I think that I might. A PA would be a different story I am afraid. Anyone out there think that there could be a chance?

 

Please, please, please a hundred thousand times - do not allow yourself to believe that a PA hasn't happened. Women like this f*ck with abandon. It is part of their self hatred. They see themselves as dirty, as 'whores' and will f*ck as much outside strange as possible to perpetuate that feeling.

 

There is no chance with her in the way you would like to have - not without some serious and long term intervention that she herself has to intitiate. The only chance you have of keeping her is to continue showing her the same love and support while allowing her to have as many affairs as she wants to have. That outside f*cking around is part of the package with women like this. If you reject that, and try to force her to stop - she will simply get better at sneaking, or she will leave.

 

I am not kidding about this part, or trying to be mean - you must, absolutely must go set yourself up a full STD screening, and never, ever be with her again without adequate protection.

 

The deck is loaded for her. Eventually she will pick up something that has no cure. Someone needs to be there for the children, and that should be you. There is no reason for both of you to lose your health and your life because she can't and won't stop cheating on you.

 

Last thing - if you are going to accept and forgive the EA part, you have to understand that the PA part is part of the territory, if not all of it. Women like this do not equate sex with love - and she is not out there looking for love. She already has that at home. It is crucial for her to balance her broken self with sex that makes her feel like less of a person.

 

Until she checks herself into a long term mental facility (no less than 90 days) to get help for these problems, then you have a choice: accept things as they are and always will be, or move on and try to provide a more stable and loving environment for your children.

 

You may not see it now, but her behavior will poison those children, if it hasn't already. Be the antidote.

[Kreggo]

Please, please, please a hundred thousand times - do not allow yourself to believe that a PA hasn't happened. Women like this f*ck with abandon. It is part of their self hatred. They see themselves as dirty, as 'whores' and will f*ck as much outside strange as possible to perpetuate that feeling.

 

Ok, somewhere I have given the wrong description of my wife. First, she never had a PA while we were togther. How do I know, because that was one of her complaints. If she wasn't at work she was with the kids and I. Yes, always.

 

Since she left she has been staying with her parents. Her mom watches my kids while she is at work all week. When my wife gets home from work the kids are her resposibility. Her parents won't watch them and let her go out. I took them overnight once and she went to her friends house and hung out and drank too much. I talked to her that night. Other people could have been there I admit. Also, her sister-in-law watched my kids overnight once. My wife went to the same friends house (she really only has one close friend) and drank too much. Again, I do not know who else was there. I don't think that this quaifies her for trying to get as much strange as possible.

 

Maybe I'm wrong.

[Yamaha]

When my wife gets home from work the kids are her resposibility. Her parents won't watch them and let her go out. I took them overnight once and she went to her friends house and hung out and drank too much.

 

Even so, she is not owning up to her responsibility as a mom. Her kids should come first, not being with friends and getting drunk. I think you still have her up on a pedistal and want to believe you did not marry a selfish women.

My ex gf pretty much gave her kids to the ex H so she could play the single gal and party with her boy toy ( 10 years younger. He is 22 years old ).

She has to want to change and as of now she wants to do what she wants and not be a wife and mother. It is hard when you care but you need to be there for your kids and if she decides to continue with her lifestyle so be it.

Doing the right thing is not fun but it shows maturity, something lacking in your wife.

[peteyj]

Nobody knows what's happening but you are making way too many assumptions based on what her friends and family say. Who knows if she's out every night or not. You aren't there to know that for sure. And the fact you said she gets made when you can't take the kids on weekends is a bad sign. If your kids are with you how would you know where she goes?

 

You are still stuck in the land of "my wife would never do anything like that" land. Maybe she isn't, but maybe she is and you just can't accept that fact.

[LucreziaBorgia]

First, she never had a PA while we were togther.

 

MarriageBuilders, SurvivingInfidelity, WomanSavers, etc are full of people who thought the same thing - only to end up with STD's, finding out that they didn't father their children, etc.

 

All I'm saying is be careful. People who are determined to cheat will find the time to do so. You'd be surprised how creative they get with carving out time to do that.

 

I'd believe her, if there were a lie detector test and DNA test done on your child and she passed both.

 

Otherwise, over the years I've seen just too many guys who swear that their W 'didn't have the time' or 'couldn't have' or 'it just isn't like her', etc.

 

Your post threw up some disturbing red flags about her behavior - behavior that is nearly universal in people who chronically cheat and abandon stable relationships for chaotic ones.

 

She would not be giving you the ILYBINILWY line paired with 'divorce' unless she was fairly comfortable underneath some other man. I don't mean to put it in such brute terms, but women don't just walk away from a sure thing because they are 'confused' or 'not in love' - particularly when you have already seen the red flags indicating other involvement.

 

I don't like to be the bearer of such crappy news, but unless you have a lie detector test and DNA testing done, I'm not inclined to believe her. I've seen way, way too many others in your shoes and it invariably ends up with an OM in the picture.

[peteyj]

I do think anybody can walk away in a relationship they consider bad. But very few people are just going to walk away and crawl back to their parents house in a relationship they consider "just not IN love with that person anymore."

 

It normally means they left and ended because there was somebody else out there whom they've already started a relationship with. And in due time maybe that relationship doesn't work out or it does, either way, it's time for the OP to move on. The only thing he's doing now is beating himself up hoping for something that will never exist again.

 

Even if she comes back to you, you are never going to feel the same way again. From this day on your relationship with her will never be the same and it'll never be like it once was.

[Kreggo]

peteyj,

 

I know that my wife is having an EA if not already a PA with her ex husband. I can see the phone calls and text messages between them on my phone bill. I also know that it started a day or 2 before my wife left. I am sure that it was the reason. My point was simply that I can't say that I have never played the "I wonder what my life would have been if?" game about past loves. I just never took it so far as to actually let myself attempt to find out. Because I have been guilty of this I can not absolutely condemn my relationship with my wife. If I didn't have kids I would see things differently I'm sure.

 

LucreziaBorgia,

 

Wow!! As badly as I feel burned by my wife I can't imagine what you must have gone throught to make you feel so strongly about how horrible a person my wife is after hearing only my side. DNA test?? Really?? If I hear one more time how much my son looks like me I will scream. He is so much cuter than I ever was. As far as the lie detector, my wife admitted to me that she had feelings for her ex husband 4 days after their first contact. I know that you will jump down my throat and tell me that she had been doing it for much longer, but she simply had not. I have to appreciate that my wife did have enough respect for me to tell me.

[peteyj]

There has to be something missing in your relationship if she wants to see what it's like to be with her ex and you dream about what life would be like with your ex's.

 

I can honestly say I've never played the what if scenario. The past is past and I've always been the person who does whatever it takes to make a relationship work. I'm far from the perfect person and have many issues, but I've never cheated, never attempted to, and so on ever in any relationship. So when my relationships ended they either ended because wrong place wrong time or because it just wasn't meant to be. Never have I thought about what life would be like though. Even after hearing you say it and now me writing about it, I just don't see the point nor would I want to really think about it. You broke up with them or they broke up with you, move on.

 

Life is too short to think about past breakups and what might have been.

 

 

Maybe you two just aren't meant to be together. You imagine what life is like with ex's and she left you for an ex. Maybe your relationship just wasn't meant to be.

[LucreziaBorgia]

As badly as I feel burned by my wife I can't imagine what you must have gone throught to make you feel so strongly about how horrible a person my wife is after hearing only my side.

 

I haven't gone through anything like that. I've been witness to countless others though in your same boat. The pain that these people go through at the beginning, the rage they feel when they find out the truth... it is gutwrenching to see a thread start like this, and ten pages later they are saying "well, she has been cheating on me for a lot longer than I thought".

 

It is sad to see this same story over, and over, and over.

 

I don't see that your wife is a horrible person. Only a fractured and incomplete one, over whom you will have wasted a good many years trying to fix and complete.

 

You are filling those missing pieces with what you hope to see and hear. I have seen it more often than not over the years I've been here and on other forums (ones catering to both sides of the story).

 

I have to appreciate that my wife did have enough respect for me to tell me.

 

I'm glad she did. I doubt she told you the whole truth though. There is a phrase on infidelity boards called the "trickle truth" - many a good man and woman have fallen victim to it.

[Guitarjeff]

Sorry Kreggo, but you have to move on, and that will also give you the best chance of getting her back as well. Women like this are disgusted by weakness. Do not be a door mat. Go no contact with her and only speak with her about the kids, nothing else. Don't ask her where or how she's been, don't tell her anything about you at all. Your only chance is to SIMULATE complete divorce, meaning show her how it will feel to lsoe you and not have you as her husband BEFORE you actually divorce, so she can see what it will be like not to have you in her life. Do not let her make you her emotional tampon, know what I mean?

 

Follow no contact and only discuss the kids. File for divorce and have her served, your only chance is that it will shock her in to reality when she feels she is losing you. be nice to her, don't be mean or anything, just be indifferent, never call her, let her call you. Again, simulate divorce so that she can see what it's like to have her husband out of her life while she can still change her mind. If she doesn't change her mind, then you have already made a start on taking care of yourself and moving on.

 

One more point, most people don't realize that divorce is usually the option with the least amount of pain. I know to the spouse that's going through being dropped that it doesn't feel this way, but this is really true. many people with infidelity and marriage problems are still in pain and doubt a ful year or more after everything starts, but with divorce, you are well on your way making your new life after a year. There is something about the finality that makes you heal faster, and once you know it's the way things have to be, you accept it and you start getting on with your new life. So remember, getting away from her and building a new life will be the path of least pain, and you will start enjoying the new life within 6 months and you will be moving forward, while if you stay, you could still be mired in agony an enitre year or more.

 

Put it this way, if this woman isn't who you are supposed to grow old with, that means there is someone else out there who you are supposed to grow old with. You would want to be with any other woman but the one you are supposed to be with, know what I mean? If it's not your wife, then that woman is out there in the world somewhere, you probably don't know her yet, but she's there. In ten years, you will look back and realize that you wouldn't change a thing concerning your life.

 

Start living for yourself and your kids, and pamper yourself. Show her what it's like to COMPLETELY lose you out of her life, just as if you have been divorced for ten years and you only have kids together. That may shock her back in to realizing what she's losing. No more gifts, no more saying I love you, no more nothing. Go on a file for divorce, you can undo it if she changes her mind. If you have sen your kids for the weekend, then no contact all week. Don't answer the phone when it's her but about half the time. Then, only talk about the kids and what has to be done about them for the week. Be nice about it, tell her you are moving on and trying to get over everything and that you are starting to concentrate on yourself and your life. Be nice, but direct. report back here often and we can ride it out with you.

[peteyj]

And as another poster brought up, the thing about people admitting the truth is most of the time it's more for themselves to get it off their conscious rather than doing something good. Why would she really even bring it up if it didn't mean anything? Maybe she was already long gone in your relationship and just had the need to get it off her chest.

 

There are many people who cheat on their spouses but never actually leave their spouses. Who knows why but obviously they seem to hide the truth, maybe get away with it, and do it for years.... Do they really care about the other person? Who knows. But people who need to get something off their chest about having some 'connection' or feelings for somebody else are normally people looking to end the marriage and move on.

 

At this point, even if she comes crawling back to you, who is to say this won't happen again in the future. She obviously didn't think much of your marriage that she ran to her ex.

[LucreziaBorgia]

I haven't gone through anything like that.

 

I guess I mean to say something like you are going through. I was usually in your W's position. I recognize all the tricks, because I mastered them myself years ago. I am not like that anymore, but when I see something like this posted, I recognize it clearly.

 

I do empathize with you though. I come off as brutal, but I don't candy coat things. When I see them, I call them. Plain and simple.

[Kreggo]

I appreciate everyone's advice. I went over to see my kids tonight and sat down with my wife and was able to really talk to her about everything. She came completely clean about the conversations with her ex. That his wife had found out and broken his nose (as she should). She said that they have not met in person and are just friends. She does not know that I have been able to see her cell phone record. She mistakenly thinks that I can not. We have a joint account. I just called and reinstated it. I thought that I might have to play that card if she tried to lie, but she didn't. I have a good relationship with one of my ex girlfriends and know first hand that it CAN be platonic. She told me over and over that she had been faithful, unless you were standing in my shoes you will all say that I am being stupid, I AM NOT. Please don't jump down my throat about this.

 

I was able to tell her all the things that I wanted to say. I told her that the relationship that we had is over and that no matter what happens it could never go back to the way it was before. I was able to point out her selfishness (very nicely) about only thinking of herself and not the kids or me. She admitted that the way that she had held everything in and tried to deal with it on her own was very self destructive. I admitted that in retrospect I should have seen some of the signs of her unhapppiness (I have taken up reading books about relationships). I told her that I would never understand how she could let things get so bad without telling me that she now feels that there is no hope. I did tell her that I accept it and am moving forward. I do think that I opened her eyes a bit to see that she has seriously affected the lives of the children and the relationship that I planned on having with them. I love them and will see them as much as I possibly can, but it will never be the same as it would have been.

 

She tried to give me a hug and I pushed her away and explained that when she does that I feel like she might be having a change of heart and that I was not willing to allow myself to think that way. She said she understood.

 

I spent the rest of the evening playing with my kids. When it was time to go I gave my kids huge hugs and kisses, said goodbye to my wife and in-laws, walked out the door and never looked back.

[LucreziaBorgia]

I did tell her that I accept it and am moving forward. I do think that I opened her eyes a bit to see that she has seriously affected the lives of the children and the relationship that I planned on having with them. I love them and will see them as much as I possibly can, but it will never be the same as it would have been.

 

She tried to give me a hug and I pushed her away and explained that when she does that I feel like she might be having a change of heart and that I was not willing to allow myself to think that way.

 

You are doing well with this, regardless of what did or did not happen in the past. Perhaps she will begin to see the consequences of her actions. So many people are willing to forgive (which is normal), but so few are willing to hand out some real consequences like you have done and I commend you for that strength.

 

I will direct you to this helpful Q & A which served well for me during a time when I was cheated on. The 180 question is a good one to take a look at - it gives some invaluable advice for dealing with someone who is still stuck in 'affair mode'.

[husbndinthemaking]

"I love you but am not IN love with you."

 

Sounds all to familar. My wife said the same thing to me about a year ago. The best way to respond is, "I totally understand why you would feel that way. I don't blame you." You need to show her that you undertsnad her feelings.

 

You see, she thinks you guys are not compatible anymore. (There may be someone else that is feeding her emotions at this time.) By agreeing with her feelings, it shows her that you care about her and respect her.

 

I bet you are thinking like, "Well, what about MY FEELINGS!!!"

 

It is obvious she could care less about your feelings right now, so leave them buried for now.

 

Educate yourself and you can get her back if you want her. I got my wife back after she told me she was leaving me and taking my 2 year old daughter with her.

[Kreggo]

LucreziaBorgia,

 

Thank you for your support. Telling her these things was very difficult. I had actually gone over prepared for a blowout when I asked her about her ex and she didn't try to deny their communication at all. Of the half an hour talk that part took all of about 5 minutes. The rest of the time we were able to ask questions that we had not had answered and calmly listen to one another. Not what I had expected, but for the better.

 

husbndinthemaking,

 

Thank you for your very sound advice. I have read many stories similar to yours recently. I am trying to follow this advice, but I am afraid that I have pushed her too far away already. I didn't seek advice from others for the first 2 weeks and did all of the things that you are not supposed to do (pushing, not giving space and time, flowers, asking for a date). I know now how wrong that was, if only I had asked how to handle the situation earlier.

[husbndinthemaking]

LucreziaBorgia,

 

Thank you for your support. Telling her these things was very difficult. I had actually gone over prepared for a blowout when I asked her about her ex and she didn't try to deny their communication at all. Of the half an hour talk that part took all of about 5 minutes. The rest of the time we were able to ask questions that we had not had answered and calmly listen to one another. Not what I had expected, but for the better.

 

husbndinthemaking,

 

Thank you for your very sound advice. I have read many stories similar to yours recently. I am trying to follow this advice, but I am afraid that I have pushed her too far away already. I didn't seek advice from others for the first 2 weeks and did all of the things that you are not supposed to do (pushing, not giving space and time, flowers, asking for a date). I know now how wrong that was, if only I had asked how to handle the situation earlier.

 

Easy fix actually.

 

Next time she calls you(Do not call her.) explain youself to her.

 

Say, "Hey. You got a minute?". She'll respond. If she says "Not really". Say, "I think you will like to hear this."

 

Then say, "I have been a jerk and I am sorry. I was just thinking about myself and not how you were feeling. I have found that I have a lot of growing to do and I want to "Thank you" for helping me understand that."

 

Then, wait for her response. She might not say anything at all. This will confuse her.

 

Then say, "I can understand if you don't love me anymore and I am ok with that. Well, that's all I wished to say. Thanks for listening."

 

Do not stay on the phone after that. It is always best to end the call before shs does. Do not let there be long silences. This will make her uncomfortable and will work against you.

 

What does this accomplish? It gives her the reassurance that you are paying attention to her space and feelings. She probably feels as though you just care about yourself at this time. Show her you care about her by putting your feelings on the back burner for a little bit.

 

Some people on here will say not to give into her and to leave her.

You do not have to lose your wife if you dont want to. I am living proof. Educate yourself and you can get her back. Good luck.

[Kreggo]

husbndinthemaking,

 

Other than the fact that I initiated the contact last night (I needed to see my kids) I feel that that is what I told her. Probably not in the words that I should have, but I did tell her that I accept that it is over. She told me that I wasn't being a dad to my kids, and I reminded her that I had asked her to let me know when I could come and see them. I told her that I didn't push because I was trying to respect her need for space. It was like a light buld went off in her head and she thanked me for understanding. She has never waivered from her resolve that our relationship is too far gone to try to fix. I also told her to let me know when she wanted to go out this weekend and I would keep the kids (more space and freedom).

 

I know that our relationship will never be what it was before, but I wouldn't want it to. I hope that she will see that there were many, many good times and decide to build a better relationship in the future. The biggest lesson that I have learned is that while I really felt for awhile that I didn't know my wife at all and had been married ot a stranger, that was not the case. I had never made her feel that she could share all of herself with me. I did know my wife, there was just more than she allowed me to see.

[Guitarjeff]

"Then say, "I have been a jerk and I am sorry. I was just thinking about myself and not how you were feeling. I have found that I have a lot of growing to do and I want to "Thank you" for helping me understand that."

 

For me, I totally disagree with this. This makes a door mat out of you. It substantiates what she's done instead of showing her what she will miss. Women respond to strength, not weakness. You will find that about 99 percent of every poster in the infidelity forums and love forums will agree with me. you change her mind by showing her you are strong and willing to move on with your life with no problem about it at all. No way should you apologize to her when she started contact with another man outside your marriage. That's nothing for you to apologize for at all, EVER.

 

I have seen this same thing in forum after forum, guys come in and claim their relationship is different, it was they who were terrible husbands and the wife had reason to cheat. Of course, this happens because the guy is so afraid to lose his wife that he tries to blame himself so that he can convince his wife to come back. They beg, they say "sorry", they say "I will change" and all that garbage. 90 percent of the time it's really because they simply are afraid of losing their family, not they that really think they were a bad husband. Almost to a T they never know that being weak is pathetic looking to these women who are emotionally involved with someone else. The worst thing you can possibly do is show weakness. It is disgusting to them and it is a HUGE TURNOFF.

 

What happens next time when she decides to involve another man in your marriage, you can say you are even more sorry, you will change even more? You are sorry because it's your fault she involved another guy in your marriage, NO WAY!!

 

Again, simulate divorce so that she can see what she's losing, so she can see how strong and independent you are. The hugs she is offering you are an attempt to make you her emotional tampon. If she could, she would full-bore sleep with the guy and cry on your shoulder if she were heart broke over him. She wants you to OK her bavior, that's why the hugs at the end of the meeting and such. She wants you to be her weak little tampon that she can get to agree with everything she does. Think I'm wrong? You say yourself that she has been in constant contact with him because you have the records, yet she hugs you when you leave, like a good buddy who she can tell about her real boyfriend, right? Don't fall for this garbage, you will only cause yourself more pain in the end, far more.

 

When she offers to hug you, that's an attempt to get you to accept what she is currently doing. If she can get you to hug her, then you are ALRIGHT with the fact that she is currently involving and having improper conversations with an ex outside your marriage. A hug=condoning her bahavior, it equals acceptance.

 

Now, since she has your hugs, she can feel better about getting on the phone and hooking up with her afair guy, aye? isn't that great? MAKE her chose you or him, and choose NOW, right NOW!! The faster you file for divorce the faster she is faced with losing a good husband on the chance of making her new guy as good a husband as you. Filing for divorce will push her off the fence and force her hand, hugs and being nice will substantiate that she can string you along while she tries to make her other relationship work out, if not, you can be her second choice, because, after all, you're there hugging her, so you are fine with her doing this, why shouldn't she have her cake and eat it too? Of course she wants to hug you, of course she does, and you should even apologize for her behavior? NO WAY!!

 

Call her and tell her you have seen a lawyer and you will be filing. tell her you are renting a truck and bringing her belongings to her and that you are feeling like you want to move on. Turn the tables, make it look like you are the one wanting a divorce now, after thinking about everything. It's human nature not to want to be dumped. Turn this thing in to YOU DUMPING HER, and watch how fast her attitude changes. Watch what happens when she is pushed off the fence and the power is then in your hands. watch how clingy she gets when you take command of the situation and actually want your freedom from her so you can live a happy life. She won't be in control anymore, she'll feel like she has no power anymore, and she will be pushed in to a corner about losing you, and when she feels you abandoning her, she will change dramatically.

[husbndinthemaking]

"Then say, "I have been a jerk and I am sorry. I was just thinking about myself and not how you were feeling. I have found that I have a lot of growing to do and I want to "Thank you" for helping me understand that."

 

For me, I totally disagree with this. This makes a door mat out of you. It substantiates what she's done instead of showing her what she will miss. Women respond to strength, not weakness. You will find that about 99 percent of every poster in the infidelity forums and love forums will agree with me. you change her mind by showing her you are strong and willing to move on with your life with no problem about it at all. No way should you apologize to her when she started contact with another man outside your marriage. That's nothing for you to apologize for at all, EVER.

 

I have seen this same thing in forum after forum, guys come in and claim their relationship is different, it was they who were terrible husbands and the wife had reason to cheat. Of course, this happens because the guy is so afraid to lose his wife that he tries to blame himself so that he can convince his wife to come back. They beg, they say "sorry", they say "I will change" and all that garbage. 90 percent of the time it's really because they simply are afraid of losing their family, not they that really think they were a bad husband. Almost to a T they never know that being weak is pathetic looking to these women who are emotionally involved with someone else. The worst thing you can possibly do is show weakness. It is disgusting to them and it is a HUGE TURNOFF.

 

What happens next time when she decides to involve another man in your marriage, you can say you are even more sorry, you will change even more? You are sorry because it's your fault she involved another guy in your marriage, NO WAY!!

 

Again, simulate divorce so that she can see what she's losing, so she can see how strong and independent you are. The hugs she is offering you are an attempt to make you her emotional tampon. If she could, she would full-bore sleep with the guy and cry on your shoulder if she were heart broke over him. She wants you to OK her bavior, that's why the hugs at the end of the meeting and such. She wants you to be her weak little tampon that she can get to agree with everything she does. Think I'm wrong? You say yourself that she has been in constant contact with him because you have the records, yet she hugs you when you leave, like a good buddy who she can tell about her real boyfriend, right? Don't fall for this garbage, you will only cause yourself more pain in the end, far more.

 

When she offers to hug you, that's an attempt to get you to accept what she is currently doing. If she can get you to hug her, then you are ALRIGHT with the fact that she is currently involving and having improper conversations with an ex outside your marriage. A hug=condoning her bahavior, it equals acceptance.

 

Now, since she has your hugs, she can feel better about getting on the phone and hooking up with her afair guy, aye? isn't that great? MAKE her chose you or him, and choose NOW, right NOW!! The faster you file for divorce the faster she is faced with losing a good husband on the chance of making her new guy as good a husband as you. Filing for divorce will push her off the fence and force her hand, hugs and being nice will substantiate that she can string you along while she tries to make her other relationship work out, if not, you can be her second choice, because, after all, you're there hugging her, so you are fine with her doing this, why shouldn't she have her cake and eat it too? Of course she wants to hug you, of course she does, and you should even apologize for her behavior? NO WAY!!

 

Call her and tell her you have seen a lawyer and you will be filing. tell her you are renting a truck and bringing her belongings to her and that you are feeling like you want to move on. Turn the tables, make it look like you are the one wanting a divorce now, after thinking about everything. It's human nature not to want to be dumped. Turn this thing in to YOU DUMPING HER, and watch how fast her attitude changes. Watch what happens when she is pushed off the fence and the power is then in your hands. watch how clingy she gets when you take command of the situation and actually want your freedom from her so you can live a happy life. She won't be in control anymore, she'll feel like she has no power anymore, and she will be pushed in to a corner about losing you, and when she feels you abandoning her, she will change dramatically.

 

 

There is no next time. If she cheated again, I will leave her. I am fully in control of that decision.

 

Also, keep in mind, I CHOOSE to stay with her now.

[carhill]

OP, just keep in mind that women are masters at emotional manipulation and they have the support network to keep them right at the top of their game. Once the care for you is gone, they can be brutal beyond your imagination. IME, the best way to deal with that is to get them gone as completely and expeditiously as possible. You will never, even at the top of your game on your best day, ever be able to compete with them on the playing field of manipulation, historical revision and gaslighting. I thought I could, and I was more wrong than I care to admit. The only advantage I had was the emotional awareness to see the reality of the situation and not be surprised by the outcome. Hope you find your path

[husbndinthemaking]

Yes. Women are very emotional animals that need CONSTANT emotional support. It could be you, a girlfriend, or another guy.

 

It is not something they can control. Women will ALWAYS be looking for an emotional connection with the people she associates with. Nothing you say will ever change that.

 

The challenge for a man is to be able to understand this and have this work for you, and not against you.

 

When most men get comfortable, they forget the basics. (Like dating, opening a car door for a woman, staring into her eyes, flowers, etc.) They turn into a couch potato, work-a-holic, beer drinking losers. Women HATE this transition and reject this life style wholeheartedly.

 

If you want that type of lifestyle, then DO NOT get married. (Or marry a man?)

 

It takes constant understanding to keep a marriage strong. It is a hard task for a man to keep a woman happy if they don't know the basic rules that should always apply.

[carhill]

The best rule to understand is that when you've experienced one woman, you've experienced one woman. Their psychologies and emotional states are as unique and varied as the world is large.

 

My "rubber band" comment earlier was my two word overview of what I perceive your M as. Stretch and snap back.

 

The synopsis is that she's been "thinking" her love for you rather than "feeling" it. I know exactly how this dynamic works and covered it in detail in MC. There's a really good chance she never was "in love" with you. She may not even have the capacity for those kinds of feelings.

 

Happy for you to prove me wrong, but I've seen it enough in my life and experienced it in my marriage to offer it as an informed opinion. Best wishes

[husbndinthemaking]

The best rule to understand is that when you've experienced one woman, you've experienced one woman. Their psychologies and emotional states are as unique and varied as the world is large.

 

My "rubber band" comment earlier was my two word overview of what I perceive your M as. Stretch and snap back.

 

The synopsis is that she's been "thinking" her love for you rather than "feeling" it. I know exactly how this dynamic works and covered it in detail in MC. There's a really good chance she never was "in love" with you. She may not even have the capacity for those kinds of feelings.

 

Happy for you to prove me wrong, but I've seen it enough in my life and experienced it in my marriage to offer it as an informed opinion. Best wishes

 

I agree with the "thinking" mode. This is a dangerous place for a woman to be. That is where you would need to feed them emotionally in order for her to "feel" in love.

 

Love is nothing more than a series of events that lead to a feeling. That is all it is. It is not "magic".

 

Example: Remember your first love? Of course you do. You'll never forget it. That is because it is the first time you had "feelings" like that for someone.

[carhill]

OP, has your W ever been truly vulnerable to you?