"I need to find myself" ... this is why.

[OneFootOut]

It seems to be a common theme with women who want out of marriages these days: " I need to find myself". Well, maybe this can help some men understand that statement better.

 

I have one foot out the door. I have for a long time now. I have told him that, and his only response to me is that he is unhappy with his job? Its always about his job.

 

I married my husband to be his partner, lover, and life-long friend. At first everything was good. We had very little, but we were really into each other and enjoyed being with each other. He found a good job which turned into a 10 year career. That’s awesome right? Well, yes and no. He is a great provider, I have to give him that one. But while he was so focused on being that provider, it became his entire identity.

 

He was no longer married to me, but to his job. He became more and more distant from me. Our conversations became more and more one-sided about his work. We began drifting apart only 3 years into our marriage. He became so distant from me socially, emotionally, and eventually physically as well. This put me in the role of housekeeper… and nothing more.

 

Well, when I hit my mid 30’s, I also hit this unbelievable sexual peak. At that point, I was still passionate about him and still in love with him. I would have done anything with him, to him, or for him. It was about a week into this peak, that he began to reject me and push me away. I was confused and hurt. His rejections were harsh and hurtful and without reason. I asked him what was wrong several times over the weeks following and he always said something different. The one constant was that he kept saying it wasn’t me, but how could it not be? He didn’t have anything else to do with me for about 4 years straight.

 

During those years, my self esteem went to hell, my value and self worth as a woman was lost. I struggled to fix us without having a clue what was wrong other than the fact that he wanted nothing to do with me physically or on a personal level. I tried changing myself through those years to be someone he would be attracted to and tried to rekindle what we had. Nothing ever worked. Eventually, the hurt and emotional isolation was too much to take. The passion inside me died. That great love and desire I had to be with him faded as well. I lost my own life and identity trying to fit whatever it was he needed of me.

 

One day we were watching TV and a segment came on about ‘asexual’ people. My husband lit up like a Christmas tree and said that he could identify with those people. He finally had a label for the way he felt, but where did that leave me? It sure explained a lot, but it didn’t fix anything. So, he doesn’t like or want sex, and I am a very passionate a sexual being. What it boiled down to is that I had to give up that part of who I was to fit into his comfort zone.

 

So the years went on and in 2005 we finally tried to work past the hurdles and reconnect. It wasn’t the same. When we did have sex, he would barely touch me or enjoy my body. He would sort of hurry things along and get it over with. Our lovemaking had always been unbalanced, me giving him much more attention and pleasure than he ever did me. But by this time, my desire to please him had long since been dead. To this day, I put that one on him. He killed our passion by the hurtful way he pushed me away and shut down all those years ago.

 

Anyway… we did try to fix things. We did the deed a couple times in 2005 and ended up with a baby. Happy over the baby and trying to hold things together, we were pregnant again the following year after having sex only once or twice. We’ve not touched since around March of 2006. I don’t know if we ever will again.

So here I am, in our 12th year of marriage with a 2 and 3 year old. I feel like I am so replaceable. I am no more to him than someone who cleans up and tends the kids, but he tells me he loves me 10 times a day. He never shows it. We still have nothing on a personal level. No intimacy, no passion, no romance, no fun playfulness. The family walks on egg shells around him because he has became such a touch-me-not. He’s intolerant and grouchy all the time. But, he says he loves me.

 

I’m lonely. I’m sad and depressed and unfulfilled. I have lost my own identity over the years trying to change into what he wanted. That is where the feeling of “I need to find myself” comes in. There’s not another man. I truly just need the freedom to LIVE my life for me and find self identity again. I don’t want to rip our family apart, but I can’t make him change. I can’t get through to him. I need to feel like a woman. I need to feel desired and wanted and important. I’m not getting that here. I haven’t gotten that in the last 8 years. How long am I supposed to keep holding on? I want a chance to live, while I am still able to, with or without my husband by my side.

 

I was stuck in a role I never signed up for and denied the basic human needs that every woman needs to feel loved and wanted. I feel like nothing more than a person who shares a house with him, who cleans up and washes his clothes. What kind of life is that to live? I don’t know if we will ever be able to get that spark back and that desire to be our best for each other. I’m weighing my options right now and looking for answers. I CAN’T keep living this way, it’s killing all that I am. I love my husband, but not with the passion I once did. I NEED that back in my life.

 

I'm not going to do anything spur of the moment. My God, I've been trying to sort this out for years already. I just feel like I am the only one trying to change things. I feel like maybe he wants out too but doesn't want to admit it. Is he waiting on me to break it up so he will come out the innocent victim? If he wants out too, I wish he would just admit it. Then we could work together on ending things peacefully and we could help each other move forward into new lives. People do change and grow apart. It's part of life. I never expected it to happen to us though, but it has. It doesn't have to be a bad thing. I just wish I knew absolutely and honestly where he stood and how he REALLY feels.

 

I can't keep living this numb and lonely existance. I just can't, but I have no idea what to do.

 

Any ideas?

[lkjh]

So when do we hear about the OM?

[TrustInYourself]

What you don't hear on these forums is the men who are on the other side of that. They post here about their loss and their misunderstanding and why their wives have left them.

 

Be open. Tell him what you want, whether that is him or out. That should allow him a chance to figure out what he wants.

[OneFootOut]

So when do we hear about the OM?

 

Assuming OM means other man??? There is no other man. If you read my words, you will understand that my husband wants nothing to do with me on a personal level, physical or otherwise. He doesn't like sex. He identifies with being asexual. Its just how he is.

 

There may not ever be another man, who knows. It's just easier to be lonely when you are alone than it is to be lonely when you are married to someone who's distance reminds you every day how undesirable and unwanted you are.

 

I'm not happy. I spend my days going through the motions of doing my chores in this crappy house, tending our sweet kids, and little else. I'm lonely even when he is here in the same room with me because he and I no longer connect. He does nothing to show me he loves me or wants me.

 

It's not always about another man or another woman. Why is that so hard to understand? I've been struggling for years with my self worth and value as a woman. I've just exhausted every other thing I could think to try and do to fix this. All I have left is the options of separation or divorce.

 

Freedom, is the only way I will ever have even a chance to find what I so desperately need, and who knows if I ever will? At least I will have had a chance, and not died a miserable lonely depressed unwanted housekeeper.

[OneFootOut]

Too long.

Illegible.

Please try again, and get rid of all the formatting stuff, and break the post up into manageable legible, easy-to-read-absorb-digest chunks. use separated paragraphs.

It would be a huge help.

 

Thanks.

 

Tried to post a few times, I don't know why it kept showing formatting. Had to go back and take it out one line at a time. It looks right on my screen now.

[TrustInYourself]

Assuming OM means other man??? There is no other man. If you read my words, you will understand that my husband wants nothing to do with me on a personal level, physical or otherwise. He doesn't like sex. He identifies with being asexual. Its just how he is.

 

There may not ever be another man, who knows. It's just easier to be lonely when you are alone than it is to be lonely when you are married to someone who's distance reminds you every day how undesirable and unwanted you are.

 

I'm not happy. I spend my days going through the motions of doing my chores in this crappy house, tending our sweet kids, and little else. I'm lonely even when he is here in the same room with me because he and I no longer connect. He does nothing to show me he loves me or wants me.

 

It's not always about another man or another woman. Why is that so hard to understand? I've been struggling for years with my self worth and value as a woman. I've just exhausted every other thing I could think to try and do to fix this. All I have left is the options of separation or divorce.

 

Freedom, is the only way I will ever have even a chance to find what I so desperately need, and who knows if I ever will? At least I will have had a chance, and not died a miserable lonely depressed unwanted housekeeper.

 

Well you are not alone. Many women feel this way. My wife felt this way for a very long time. Thank god, after she left I came to my everloving senses. It took that. It took the world turning upside down to realize that I needed to learn how to be married.

 

That's the thing, no one knows how to be married. We just emulate the good and bad that we know from our experiences.

 

What your husband doesn't understand, is emotions and talk mean nothing, when behavior and actions do not back up those words. This is not an easy concept for someone to just understand or learn. Marriage is hard to do, especially if you are clueless. Boy, was I clueless.

 

You're not alone and there is always hope. Even when the marriage is lifeless, simple actions can bring sparks back to what you thought were dead.

 

The real question is if you want those sparks. Press for some space, get some perspective. See if he changes or tries to change.

 

Many men will blame their spouse for leaving them, for ruining their marriage, for finding someone else. The truth is, most do it to themselves through inaction or inability to see the situation for what it is.

 

Men also do not give, unless they stop recieving. Stop doing all that stuff. Start doing stuff that brings life and joy into your life. Screw the housework, lol. That should make him notice something is wrong. And when there is a problem, we men go to work, lol.

[OneFootOut]

What you don't hear on these forums is the men who are on the other side of that. They post here about their loss and their misunderstanding and why their wives have left them.

 

Be open. Tell him what you want, whether that is him or out. That should allow him a chance to figure out what he wants.

 

Thanks for this. You see, I have spent the last few weeks talking to him about this honestly and openly. I have held nothing back. I have opened the door for him to tell me what HE wants and needs. I've told him everything and asked him things about his side of it. When he finally did respond, it was to tell me he was unhappy and disillusioned with his job.

 

Once again confusion set it. He never addressed anything I said, he just told me he was unhappy with his work? I'm just baffled. I don't know how he truly feels or what he truly wants on a personal level because no matter how wide I open that door, he won't talk about anything but work.

 

I posted here for help and to hear other people's thoughts. Maybe some of you men on "his side" can help me understand the things that he can't or won't help me with. Maybe some women can relate and share what they have done.

 

I really don't want to break up our marriage, but it hasn't even been a marriage for so long that I am out of ideas how to fix it. We're nothing more to each other than room mates.

 

So what do I do now? I have laid it all out on the table, and he has only responded about being unhappy with his job. How do I get him to open up?

[TrustInYourself]

By ignoring the problem. By ignoring him. By doing your own thing. He can not address your problems with him or the marriage. Emotional insecurity, etc. He probably knows things are messed up, but he's incapable of addressing those issues. He knows that things are in trouble.

 

So what does he do? What does his ego allow him to do?

 

Go to his safe place. His job. His identity. His reason for being a man.

 

Yeah, that's the hard part. Ignoring the problem and focusing on what does work between you two.

 

What are his thoughts on marriage counseling? Do not ask him yet. Cornered animals do not like to open up or negotiate.

[TrustInYourself]

Tell him to either quit his job because it's ruining your marriage, or you'll quit him.

 

The third alternative would be for him to open up in counselling.

 

Those are his 3 choices.

Ask him to pick one.

 

seriously.

 

His job is his life. I can tell that just reading this. Especially considering his response. He will blow off his wife over his job, because that's just how his mind operates. A good person to talk to about this would be a guy who places a great deal of investment in work and his identity as a provider.

 

I'm pretty chill about my job, but I can understand his mindset.

[Gunny376]

His job is his life. I can tell that just reading this. Especially considering his response. He will blow off his wife over his job, because that's just how his mind operates. A good person to talk to about this would be a guy who places a great deal of investment in work and his identity as a provider.

 

I'm pretty chill about my job, but I can understand his mindset.

 

That would have been me eighteen years ago while I was still in the Marine Corps. The XHEX left while I still had four years to go to make my twenty.

 

I wasn't a "workaholic" because I wanted to be, I was a workaholic because that was what my job required me to be. I never worked less than sixty hours a week, and even then worked two jobs. Seventy + hours were not un-common.

 

The XHEX could not comprehend military life and the demands of such. She also could not understand the concept of "You can play now and pay for the rest of your life, or you can pay now and play for the rest of your life.

 

Make no mistake about it, military life is and can be very stressful, especially when such things as being over-weight can be a carrer ender ~ not just job performance.

 

And like many men I was absolutely clueless what was necessary to be married. After my divorce, I undertook a life long commitment to learning any and everything I could about men & women, romance, dating, reltionships, marriage, communication, (specifically ~ cross-gender communication), the differences between men and women and how they think, sex from a woman's perspective, etc. And continue to do so to this day. Indeed, this is the reason I"m a member of LoveShack.

 

I was rasied my Depression era grandparents, and that was the model on which I based what marriage was suppose to be about? A very out-dated, 1950's "Leave It To Beaver" idea of marriage.

 

Flash forward eighteen years ~ I've become very literate in the above areas I've mentioned. Being retired military I have all of the benefits and privlidges I had while on active duty. I've about as recession proof job as their is in this economy? Low-stress, no-stress job and bosses. I only work forty-hours a week, and have told my boss that I will work over-time if he needs me to, but would prefer not to. Between my civilan job and military retirement I'm earning more than I've ever earned in my life.

 

My X told me one of the primary reasons she was divorcing me was because I was a workaholic and to "change" me. At the time that was all I could get out of her, (she was un-able to "lay it all out on the table")

 

WELL SHE SUCCEDED!!! I've changed!

 

But in the end all she accomplish was to throw away all the hard work, scarifices she and I had made to create a better man/ husband for some other woman who is going to benefit from that.

[Sands_of_time]

It seems to be a common theme with women who want out of marriages these days: " I need to find myself". Well, maybe this can help some men understand that statement better.

 

I have one foot out the door. I have for a long time now. I have told him that, and his only response to me is that he is unhappy with his job? Its always about his job. Any ideas?

 

That's a good question. I can feel that you really need a change in your life. It just radiates in your words and it must feel stiffling to feel that way.

 

I was in similar shoes as you so I can relate. I wanted/I NEEDED my wife to change so I could be happier. I felt as though I did everything and she only contributed just a smidgen (not necessarily monetarily but to me and our family as a whole). I kept our "ship" pointed north by providing a good house, good salary, decent cars, beefing up retirement accounts, lots of outside/inside work, listened to her needs to the best of my ability...etc. And I expected that she give the same in return. I kept asking her to give more because she wasn't meeting my "happiness" level. I was asking HER to change to meet my expectations. She was flawed.

 

Wrong, wrong, wrong. That's not to say that you can't compromise but asking someone else to change is like running full speed into a brick wall-- over and over and over again.

 

Your husband is flawed, no doubt. It's common sense that one's sense of self should be more than just work. He's not perfect. If you get divorced you will more than likely find temporary happiness because you'll be rid of the baggage. When you meet someone new they will look like quite a great catch just as your husband did in the beginning. But as time goes on, your relationship with your new partner will ebb and flow just as it did with husband #1.

 

The biggest and best thing I ever did was to look inside myself and stop pointing the finger at my partner for my happiness. This was quite difficult but it's necessary to understand you can only change you. Knowing that I made that significant behavioral change gave me a new lease and outlook on my life.

 

This is difficult to swallow but try to look inside yourself first and foremost. Once you make improvements to yourself you are leading by example. And you just might get your husband to follow...

[OneFootOut]

His job is not what is killing our marriage. That is his livelihood and his self identity, to ask him to give that up would be ripping away his self worth, which is what has already happened to me, by expecting me to give up a big part of who I was to suit him.

 

What's killing our marriage is his refusal to acknowledge and respond to the things that are wrong. You know, if he doesn't like sex, that's one thing. But when that huge part of our marriage was taken away, he never attempted to replace it with anything. What about dating? Make me your girlfriend again. What about some flowers or a small token as often as you can to let me know I am still important and special? He doesn't even do those things. He continuously blows of my birthday with a "sorry, I meant to do something but was busy/broke/tired". Stuff like that hurts, and just emphasizes how unimportant to him I must be.

 

I think we are both comfortable and feel safe in this marriage. We don't fight or even argue, we never have. Neither of us have cheated, and as bad as things are, we still have this mutual respect for each other. He's a good man, he just refuses to be, or is incapable of being the partner I need.

 

I'm not the prettiest thing, and I'm far from perfect. When he gave up on me, I eventually did too. I'm only recently starting to regain my health and fitness, and trying to salvage what's left of my self-worth. I'm doing this for me, not him, and not our marriage.

 

All of you men who get wrapped up in the role and identity of "provider"... marriage is about so much more than the money you bring in and the things and lifestyle you can have. None of it matters if your wife and kids don't have YOU. You have to provide yourself to your family first and foremost. When you come home, leave work at your job. Check in, participate, be part of the part of your life you say you are working so hard for. The personal relationship you have with your wife also needs work, as does each relationship with your children, and the running of your home. They all require a constant upkeep and freshness. It seems most of you forget that part while you are working so hard to reach that mighty dollar and your own fulfillment with your career.

 

I'm so lost right now. Some days I wish he would fall for someone else and let me go. Some days I wish he would just open his eyes and wake up and be the man I married. Some days I wish I could just get in the car and drive away. This sucks.

[Geishawhelk]

I think we are both comfortable and feel safe in this marriage. We don't fight or even argue, we never have. Neither of us have cheated, and as bad as things are, we still have this mutual respect for each other. He's a good man, he just refuses to be, or is incapable of being the partner I need.

You are not in a marriage.

You are far from comfortable in it, otherwise you wouldn't have posted. What you mean is, that you've both become complacent.

 

I'm not the prettiest thing, and I'm far from perfect. When he gave up on me, I eventually did too. I'm only recently starting to regain my health and fitness, and trying to salvage what's left of my self-worth. I'm doing this for me, not him, and not our marriage.

 

This is what I mean by complacent. And you are snapping out of it, because you know you're worth more than this. Which suddenly puts you both on different pages.....

 

 

I'm so lost right now. Some days I wish he would fall for someone else and let me go. Some days I wish he would just open his eyes and wake up and be the man I married. Some days I wish I could just get in the car and drive away. This sucks.

 

Your complacency has turned into frustration.

He instead, has become completely non-commital and resigned to it.

He completely accepts the stuff that's going on, because it suits him.

He likes it just fine.

The reason he won't discuss it, is because he doesn't want the confrontation, so he's practising avoidance by just keeping silent.

 

So now you have a choice.

 

It really does seem to come down to a simple decision.

 

Are you willing to go on with things as they are, or is it time for you to "Find yourself" somewhere else?

[Kasan]

I'm not the prettiest thing, and I'm far from perfect. When he gave up on me, I eventually did too. I'm only recently starting to regain my health and fitness, and trying to salvage what's left of my self-worth. I'm doing this for me, not him, and not our marriage.

 

I would be very interested in seeing how you feel in six months.

 

Something tells me that you won't put up with this once you get your self-esteem back.

 

You aren't alone in feeling like this. Many of us in long-term marriages have walked in your proverbial shoes.

 

Some of us have made it to the other side and have gone on to have successful marriages, while some have seen their marriages dissolve.

 

Keep working on you, no decisions have to be made now.

 

You will know what to do, when you need to do it.

[OneFootOut]

That's a good question. I can feel that you really need a change in your life. It just radiates in your words and it must feel stiffling to feel that way.

 

I was in similar shoes as you so I can relate. I wanted/I NEEDED my wife to change so I could be happier. I felt as though I did everything and she only contributed just a smidgen (not necessarily monetarily but to me and our family as a whole). I kept our "ship" pointed north by providing a good house, good salary, decent cars, beefing up retirement accounts, lots of outside/inside work, listened to her needs to the best of my ability...etc. And I expected that she give the same in return. I kept asking her to give more because she wasn't meeting my "happiness" level. I was asking HER to change to meet my expectations. She was flawed.

 

Wrong, wrong, wrong. That's not to say that you can't compromise but asking someone else to change is like running full speed into a brick wall-- over and over and over again.

 

Your husband is flawed, no doubt. It's common sense that one's sense of self should be more than just work. He's not perfect. If you get divorced you will more than likely find temporary happiness because you'll be rid of the baggage. When you meet someone new they will look like quite a great catch just as your husband did in the beginning. But as time goes on, your relationship with your new partner will ebb and flow just as it did with husband #1.

 

The biggest and best thing I ever did was to look inside myself and stop pointing the finger at my partner for my happiness. This was quite difficult but it's necessary to understand you can only change you. Knowing that I made that significant behavioral change gave me a new lease and outlook on my life.

 

This is difficult to swallow but try to look inside yourself first and foremost. Once you make improvements to yourself you are leading by example. And you just might get your husband to follow...

 

This is very wise advice. I have been down that road. As I said, I have been dealing with these issues for many years. I have changed everything about me that I thought might be the problem. I self-analyzed from every angle I could think of. I changed myself in hopes he would recognize it and change as well. I asked him time and again through the years what he needs from me. What was it about me I could change or do to help us. He never responded. Once in a while, he would say he liked me just the way I was. That didn't help, because once again, he never did anything to show me or make me feel it. I admit I'm not perfect, not even close, but I am open and honest and willing to change. He needs to clue me in, so I will have some direction instead of leaving it all for me to try to decipher.

 

I think there is a lot inside him that he is not being honest about. How could he possibly happy with this distance between us? He comes from a very harshly judgmental family. I think if he were to admit his marriage wasn't working, he would feel the brunt of that from all of them. So stay and be miserable? Stay and ignore the problems and hope they will go away? Stay and hold his breath hoping I won't figure out how to be on my own? I just don't know where he's at in his head, and that's making me even more confused and discouraged.

 

Neither of us are the people we married, I'm the first to admit that. Maybe its just that simple? We've just grown apart over the years. I am at the point where this either needs to be fixed and our relationship reclaimed NOW, or to get out of it before either of us invests anymore of our lives in something that is doomed.

 

The whole key to which way this goes is in his hands now. He needs to tell me what he wants and be willing to help get us there, but so far, he has nothing to say.

 

And YES, I have said all of this to him.

[OneFootOut]

You are not in a marriage.

You are far from comfortable in it, otherwise you wouldn't have posted. What you mean is, that you've both become complacent.

 

This is what I mean by complacent. And you are snapping out of it, because you know you're worth more than this. Which suddenly puts you both on different pages.....

 

Your complacency has turned into frustration.

He instead, has become completely non-commital and resigned to it.

He completely accepts the stuff that's going on, because it suits him.

He likes it just fine.

The reason he won't discuss it, is because he doesn't want the confrontation, so he's practising avoidance by just keeping silent...

 

 

That was an eye-opener. You are correct. Complacent is the accurate word.

[lostsoulmate]

This is very wise advice. I have been down that road. As I said, I have been dealing with these issues for many years. I have changed everything about me that I thought might be the problem. I self-analyzed from every angle I could think of. I changed myself in hopes he would recognize it and change as well. I asked him time and again through the years what he needs from me. What was it about me I could change or do to help us. He never responded. ... That didn't help, because once again, he never did anything to show me or make me feel it. ... He needs to clue me in, so I will have some direction instead of leaving it all for me to try to decipher.

I think there is a lot inside him that he is not being honest about. How could he possibly happy with this distance between us? ... So stay and be miserable? Stay and ignore the problems and hope they will go away? Stay and hold his breath hoping I won't figure out how to be on my own?

The whole key to which way this goes is in his hands now. He needs to tell me what he wants and be willing to help get us there, but so far, he has nothing to say.

 

You have your answer. It takes two people to make it work. He apparently doesn't get it or "you". You deserve to be happy. You are not with him. So figure out what will make you be happy... life it too short. Make your decision. That is the hardest part. Good luck!

[OneFootOut]

I would be very interested in seeing how you feel in six months.

 

Something tells me that you won't put up with this once you get your self-esteem back.

 

You aren't alone in feeling like this. Many of us in long-term marriages have walked in your proverbial shoes.

 

Some of us have made it to the other side and have gone on to have successful marriages, while some have seen their marriages dissolve.

 

Keep working on you, no decisions have to be made now.

 

You will know what to do, when you need to do it.

 

Good point Kasan, thanks. I have noticed that the more fit I get, the more empowered I feel, and my self-esteem is slowly recovering. Maybe when I feel like my old self again, the decisions will be easier to make without so much hesitation and confusion.

[pelicanpreacher]

You've tried the "carrot" approach so now may be the time try the "stick"! Apply the suggestion made by another poster and stop doing things for him out of endearment. If you don't have a job then you might try getting an education with a marketable degree that will allow you the ability to financially maneuver on your own two feet. When he says I love you remind him that actions speak louder than words and you've stopped listening to his voice on the subject a long time ago. Strive for inner growth to restore your confidence and self-esteem so that if he trys to bring you down with his woe is me, woe is my job, don't touch me routine you can listen for a moment, interrupt him, and say I've got better things to do than to listen to you whine, moan, and complain and get busy doing something you enjoy or get together with friends you can relate with to enjoy life without him.

 

Sooner or later the distance you create in moving forward under your own steam of positivity will raise alarm bells within his psyche that his marriage and relationship is in trouble. If he immediately pushes for intimacy thwart him with the truth of his disposition and tell him you don't need him to do you any favors for, at least for now, you have learned to go without. Once his frustrations at not being able to connect with you on his infrequent terms kicks in you'll find that you'll become the central point of his attention at a greater intensity and for longer periods of time instead of his past predilection to lose himself within himself or his job! Only when he becomes desparate enough to beg and insist on MC do you relent enough to "follow his lead".

 

The beauty of this "lead a horse to water" approach is that he'll believe its all his idea which should hopefully inspire him to commit to changing himself at his core to become the man he used to be when you married him by salvaging a marriage using the very same advice and tactic you'd employ if he were open to your suggestions in the first place. I'd consider this guy extremely lucky you've not arrived at the point that you didn't walk out after indulging in an affair with the "I'm done, I'm not in love with you anymore, and I need space speech" that often sounds the death knell of the many relationships storied on this board so, unbeknownst to him, he's still got time to remedy this situation if you'll allow him it.

 

BTW, you never did answer the earlier poster's question about whether there was another man or not. Is or has there been?

[reservoirdog1]

I think you should tell him you want the two of you to see a counsellor together, and soon.

 

He sounds like he's being lazy, self-absorbed, or both. Not touching you for the last three years? I can understand why you feel the way you do.

 

I commend you for not acting on the need to feel wanted and desired... among women who have affairs, that's usually a big part of the reason. You're trying to tell him what's wrong, before doing something destructive about it. The problem seems to be that he's just not listening.

 

I think you need to give him an ultimatum: go to X number of counselling sessions with you, or you're going to have to leave because he won't work to make things better. A marriage has to be a two-way street.

[OneFootOut]

BTW, you never did answer the earlier poster's question about whether there was another man or not. Is or has there been?

 

I answered, and had stated in the original post that there isn't another man. There never has been. This is about me and him not connecting anymore to the point that I feel like I am little more than simply nothing.

 

There may not ever be another man. It's not about that. It's about me losing everything I am, being unwanted and unfulfilled. Being so incredibly lonely even in the same room with him. It's about me wanting my life back, so I can breathe and be happy, and at least have a chance to maybe find what I need some day down the road.

[Alan430]

Well you are not alone. Many women feel this way. My wife felt this way for a very long time. Thank god, after she left I came to my everloving senses. It took that. It took the world turning upside down to realize that I needed to learn how to be married.

 

That's the thing, no one knows how to be married. We just emulate the good and bad that we know from our experiences.

 

What your husband doesn't understand, is emotions and talk mean nothing, when behavior and actions do not back up those words. This is not an easy concept for someone to just understand or learn. Marriage is hard to do, especially if you are clueless. Boy, was I clueless.

 

You're not alone and there is always hope. Even when the marriage is lifeless, simple actions can bring sparks back to what you thought were dead.

 

The real question is if you want those sparks. Press for some space, get some perspective. See if he changes or tries to change.

 

Many men will blame their spouse for leaving them, for ruining their marriage, for finding someone else. The truth is, most do it to themselves through inaction or inability to see the situation for what it is.

 

Men also do not give, unless they stop recieving. Stop doing all that stuff. Start doing stuff that brings life and joy into your life. Screw the housework, lol. That should make him notice something is wrong. And when there is a problem, we men go to work, lol.

 

 

This is very good advice, And yes i was one of those men. I would like to add please stay far away from other men, no matter how they make you feel. I am sure you husband does love you as much as you love him, but we tend to get caught up in being the best provider possible. We do not realize that marriage has to be worked on just as much as our relationship with our kids, our jobs, etc. There were no classes in school to teach us how. I think most men think to be the best family man they need to make the most money possible to give the family the best that they can. I think for alot of us this is how our parents generation was and it has been passed down to the man. I realize this now, but it is too late for me.. But i also find it to be very selfish and sad that this is how a woman determines her self worth. You need be somewhat independent of your husband when it comes to self worth. Also look to see if he is happy with himself. If he is unhappy with himself then it will be very hard for him to be affectionet with you.

[Gunny376]

None of us know how to be married ~ for the lucky few? We eventually learn. Most of us aren't 'born naturals' when it comes to inter-personal relationship, and personal finances. Which is why we're in the martial and financial mess that we're in.

 

Its ineresting that neither are taught at any level of the formal school system in the vast majority of educational institutions? At any level.

 

Its interesting that for both men and women, but espically when it comes to inter-personal relationships you learn by trial and error, on-the-job training, and dismal failure!

[pelicanpreacher]

Then you'll have to use the same seductive powers as a woman that you used to originally enchant him to lead him to taking charge and resolving the problem from within himself. Most guys are pretty dense and will steadfastly refuse to change the status quo until the wheels try to fall off their relationships but we'll go all out to change ourselves, situations, perspectives, and everything and anything else to prove to the one we love that we are worth another chance when threatened with dissolution of the relationship.

 

I feel your pain but it's time to move from the emotional realm and into the logical. Even if he hasn't shown jealousy of others or your pursuits in the past I can guarantee that he'll notice the vibrancy of your energy for an independent future because we always miss the ones we love when we stand to lose them forever. Reread my post (except for the question posed) and hatch a plan to inspire his jealousy for your time and attention through absence and rejection of intimate emotional bonding while countering your previously held emotional and spiritual convictions with spiritedly positive movement in a direction away from him and toward your own fulfillment. Soon enough you'll find his reaction playing out step by step to the timelessly age old script of "L'Affair D'Amour" before the final curtain falls and the fat lady sings.

 

Its said that when posed with the question of whether its best to be loved or feared its best to be feared for this emotion lasts longer and packs a bigger punch. Your first step, therefore, is to test your husband's lack of empathy for you or your marriage by selfishly indulging in an affair with yourself. Nothing ventured nothing gained nothing and nothing wild nothing tamed!

[Gunny376]

Its not just a matter of "providing" but of "surviing". The Corps has taught and trained me to survie" in the jungle the desert, the mountains, but they didn't teach me how to survie out here in the urban jungle.

 

Zilch, nothing, nadda!

 

So for most men? Their jobs are they're idenity!

 

And to the OP, I understand where your coming from ~ NOW!

 

But it cost me a marriage and a family to comprehend and understand.