Trialbyfire Posted February 7, 2009 Posted February 7, 2009 I know myself. I defintiely know about love, and these feelings I have for Jack, that's what they are. I am way too obsessive to EVER be able to get over it. Would it really have been better to pathetically pine over this man for another year, or two, just because it's "inappropriate" in the eyes of some HR lady to speak up about the high level of stress I am under because of this? But that's just the crux of it. You can change obsessive thought patterns, if you really want to. A good therapist can help you find the way but only if you're willing to work at it. If you walk away from each session with the tools in hand, but never apply them, it won't work. Maybe one of the first steps is to realize that work is work, a place where they pay you to do your work and be an employee who doesn't bring personal drama into the work place. Be a professional. There's nothing unusual about having a crush. It happens all the time. What's unusual is that it affects your ability to work and potentially has impact on other employees, including Jack. There's also nothing wrong with asking for a transfer. But asking for a transfer from an obsession, isn't the brightest career move. Keep work out of your personal life and vice versa, until you're capable of balancing the two out. When I say that, it means that no matter what, personal drama is kept out of the workplace. This also means picking the right partners to date, while in the workplace, if your workplace allows any form of fraternization.
allina Posted February 7, 2009 Posted February 7, 2009 Thanks, allina. One other thing I should mention is that the company culture here seems very employee-oriented - the company tends to take personal situations into account. That's probably how I managed to land this job with my ridiculous resume, it's probably why they wanted to keep me on in a very professional role even though I wasn't done with school, it's why they go out of their way to meet the scheduling needs of women with young children and people who want to go back to school, etc. It's a great place to work for these reasons, and I don't see anything wrong with taking advantage of this philosophy so I can be happier and more productive. I mean, I've been working hard in the interests of this company, too. It's a give and take. They can see that. Our motto is think outside the box. At least I've never given any indication that I could do otherwise. Also, HR doesn't care. They're not going to try to blow this up and fire you over it. A situation where something like this would be used against you would be if they were looking for a reason to fire you because poor work performance or some other issue, or if you were making someone uncomfortable. Another reason to worry would be if there was a past incident at the company where something related to your situation went horribly wrong and the company now had to be very strict with all personal issues. It takes a lot to get fired if you're a good investment for the company. While there are procedures they have to follow it sounds like your company has a culture that understands people and tries to work with them.
Author spookie Posted February 7, 2009 Author Posted February 7, 2009 But that's just the crux of it. You can change obsessive thought patterns, if you really want to. A good therapist can help you find the way but only if you're willing to work at it. If you walk away from each session with the tools in hand, but never apply them, it won't work. Maybe one of the first steps is to realize that work is work, a place where they pay you to do your work and be an employee who doesn't bring personal drama into the work place. Be a professional. There's nothing unusual about having a crush. It happens all the time. What's unusual is that it affects your ability to work and potentially has impact on other employees, including Jack. There's also nothing wrong with asking for a transfer. But asking for a transfer from an obsession, isn't the brightest career move. Keep work out of your personal life and vice versa, until you're capable of balancing the two out. When I say that, it means that no matter what, personal drama is kept out of the workplace. This also means picking the right partners to date, while in the workplace, if your workplace allows any form of fraternization. I agree with everything you've said. But is it impossible that my feelings for Jack are truly strong, genuine, and sustainable? Does that not make him the "right" person for me? So clearly I happen to value my personal life over this particular job (especially when I know I can have both what I want from the personal life and from the job by doing what I did). Can't we agree that it's ok to have different values? Re: the OBSESSIVE behaivior. I agree I need help. I've probably needed help all my life. There's got to be something wrong with me. No one creates so many disasters (which I don't qulify this decision as) without something going on. I mean, I was skipping entire weeks of school in 8th grade. That isn't normal. I also have begun to acquire it - the help, I mean. Last night I had a session with a psychotherapist, and it went pretty well. I want to be committed to being healthier. (The possibility of actually dating Jack is MAKING me committed.) But the fact that I need help, does not preclude me from being capable of loving him, IMO. And it does not mean that this particular "rash" decision, which wasn't rash at all when you consider that I've been planning it for months, was the wrong one. If I get fired on Monday, I'll agree with all of you. Until that happens, I'm going to insist I was right. And if it just so happens that I get transferred somewhere good, and Jack and I start dating - I'll KNOW I was right.
Trialbyfire Posted February 7, 2009 Posted February 7, 2009 I agree with everything you've said. But is it impossible that my feelings for Jack are truly strong, genuine, and sustainable? Does that not make him the "right" person for me? So clearly I happen to value my personal life over this particular job (especially when I know I can have both what I want from the personal life and from the job by doing what I did). Can't we agree that it's ok to have different values? Re: the OBSESSIVE behaivior. I agree I need help. I've probably needed help all my life. There's got to be something wrong with me. No one creates so many disasters (which I don't qulify this decision as) without something going on. I mean, I was skipping entire weeks of school in 8th grade. That isn't normal. I also have begun to acquire it - the help, I mean. Last night I had a session with a psychotherapist, and it went pretty well. I want to be committed to being healthier. (The possibility of actually dating Jack is MAKING me committed.) But that doesn't mean that my feelings for Jack can't be real. Or that manipulating the situation so that I could win (get job and guy) was wrong. At this moment, you've got a situation of unrequited obsession, whereby you've put your career at risk for it. Jack hasn't expressed interest. He hasn't asked you out. Whether he will or won't in the future, who knows. However it pans out, I hope you continue working with a good therapist so you don't get yourself into another situation like this or most of the other situations which you've posted about. Everytime I see a decision point for you to make, you always make the short-term "feel-good this second" choice. It's time to start thinking more long-term and how these choices will affect you in the future.
Author spookie Posted February 7, 2009 Author Posted February 7, 2009 "Bad" decisions I've made in my past that have led to amazing outcomes: -the cover letter I wrote for this company about the coke on the toilet seats at the strip club I danced at -abandoning my degree -insisting on remaining cut-off from my family, even when I needed money so much I was nearly homeless "Good" decisions I took based on sane-sounding advice which did not sit right in my gut and led to disastrous outcomes -having an abortion -picking fights with Wes when he didn't do boyfriendly things everyone (aka my friends and family) expected (had I allowed myself to trust my faith that he loved me, which I know now he did, he could have been my soulmate, my one and only) -going to college in the first place It's oftentimes been the case that the right answers are not very obvious. What I have noticed is that I win the most when I listen to my gut.
Trialbyfire Posted February 7, 2009 Posted February 7, 2009 Discuss those decisions/issues with your therapist. It should be enlightening to him/her, as well as your historical family dynamics.
alphamale Posted February 7, 2009 Posted February 7, 2009 4. The shrink I'm seeing today shows me see the truth ^^this
allina Posted February 7, 2009 Posted February 7, 2009 Discuss those decisions/issues with your therapist. It should be enlightening to him/her, as well as your historical family dynamics. TBF I think you way over analyze. Not everything has to be so uniform, cut and dry and text book 'therapisty'.
Trialbyfire Posted February 7, 2009 Posted February 7, 2009 TBF I think you way over analyze. Not everything has to be so uniform, cut and dry and text book 'therapisty'. allina, have you ever been to a therapist? If not, it's far from cut and dried. If anything, it's learning to understand yourself and what causes you to make the decisions/take the actions you do in life. It's also a way to learn proper decision-making/coping tools, etc. spookie's got some self-admitted issues to address. Her decisions don't reflect long-term thinking, either for herself or the impacts to others, both short-term and long-term.
Cherry Blossom 35 Posted February 7, 2009 Posted February 7, 2009 "Bad" decisions I've made in my past that have led to amazing outcomes: -the cover letter I wrote for this company about the coke on the toilet seats at the strip club I danced at -abandoning my degree -insisting on remaining cut-off from my family, even when I needed money so much I was nearly homeless "Good" decisions I took based on sane-sounding advice which did not sit right in my gut and led to disastrous outcomes -having an abortion -picking fights with Wes when he didn't do boyfriendly things everyone (aka my friends and family) expected (had I allowed myself to trust my faith that he loved me, which I know now he did, he could have been my soulmate, my one and only) -going to college in the first place It's oftentimes been the case that the right answers are not very obvious. What I have noticed is that I win the most when I listen to my gut. I have to agree, that when I listen to other people at the expense of what I feel deep inside is right for me, I usually end up somewhere I don't want to be. I am currently trying to trust myself and have faith in my own decision making capabilities. Spookie has street smarts, which will get her places.
Author spookie Posted February 7, 2009 Author Posted February 7, 2009 spookie's got some self-admitted issues to address. Her decisions don't reflect long-term thinking, either for herself or the impacts to others, both short-term and long-term. Overall, I agree. This situation, however, is far removed from my typically bad rash choices. That's what I'm getting at. I need help; but what I did is not what's indicative of this fact.
Trialbyfire Posted February 7, 2009 Posted February 7, 2009 Overall, I agree. This situation, however, is far removed from my typically bad rash choices. That's what I'm getting at. I need help; but what I did is not what's indicative of this fact. I'm going to back off for now. Just make sure you discuss this particular scenario and the interaction with the MM, with your therapist. It's all workplace related and should give your therapist a better understanding of how you think and act. What I've seen on LS, is that people go to therapists and hide portions of themselves or pertinent details, so they look good or not so bad, to their therapists. If you do this, you might as well flush your money or insurance monies down the toilet. When I went to therapy after finding out about my ex-Hs cheating, I literally disgorged all bad, good, everything that went on that might be pertinent. My therapist was shocked at how open I was with her, within 5 minutes of meeting her. It really helped her get a handle on how to help.
allina Posted February 7, 2009 Posted February 7, 2009 allina, have you ever been to a therapist? If not, it's far from cut and dried. If anything, it's learning to understand yourself and what causes you to make the decisions/take the actions you do in life. It's also a way to learn proper decision-making/coping tools, etc. spookie's got some self-admitted issues to address. Her decisions don't reflect long-term thinking, either for herself or the impacts to others, both short-term and long-term. No, I have never been to a therapist. And I agree that spookie has some issues to work out. But I also think that people are blowing this specific situation out of proportion. Spookie realized that her feelings for her boss were interfering with her work and happiness. After giving it a lot of thought, assessing her options and possible outcomes she took action. I believe that the action she chose to make was thought out and rational. I think she's sometimes neurotic in her actions and thoughts, but we all are at times. Plus, when push comes to shove I do think she knows what she's doing. I'm just not a fan of this therapist dependent culture. I do not think that it's beneficial to have to analyze each feeling and decision with a therapist. I do not think it's healthy to have to call your therapist each time you experience a challenge, a feeling, an opportunity, etc.
Storyrider Posted February 7, 2009 Posted February 7, 2009 Different people have different ways of being true to themselves. I think Spookie's way of handling this was the product of her being true to herself, not a reflection of her f*cked-upedness. It wasn't wise, but it seems to have made the most sense because of who she is. Doing the wise thing all the time doesn't always lead to the best outcome, just the safest outcome.
Trialbyfire Posted February 7, 2009 Posted February 7, 2009 No, I have never been to a therapist. And I agree that spookie has some issues to work out. But I also think that people are blowing this specific situation out of proportion. Spookie realized that her feelings for her boss were interfering with her work and happiness. After giving it a lot of thought, assessing her options and possible outcomes she took action. I believe that the action she chose to make was thought out and rational. I think she's sometimes neurotic in her actions and thoughts, but we all are at times. Plus, when push comes to shove I do think she knows what she's doing. I'm just not a fan of this therapist dependent culture. I do not think that it's beneficial to have to analyze each feeling and decision with a therapist. I do not think it's healthy to have to call your therapist each time you experience a challenge, a feeling, an opportunity, etc. allina, it's not as much what she's done or feeling, it's how she's addressed things. While there are companies that will be sympathetic due to her age and quality of work, there are also companies who won't be sympathetic. NO ONE can know which way it will turn out. Everyone has given their input, of which some has been extreme on both sides of the equation and others have given moderate advice. Unless you're sitting in on the meetings with HR and the brass, there's no way to gauge. No one should be using therapy as a crutch. That's not what it's there for. It's intended to help people get over the bumps, most often bumps that are foundational, bumps we're many times not even aware of ourselves. Every person is a composition of nature and nurture. If we understand how we react and what our foundational triggers are, we can reroute our thinking process. Don't knock it until you've honestly tried it. When I say honestly, this means giving it full effort and utilizing the coping tools created.
Cherry Blossom 35 Posted February 7, 2009 Posted February 7, 2009 Being true to herself is a higher priority for her than taking the safest path.
Author spookie Posted February 7, 2009 Author Posted February 7, 2009 Different people have different ways of being true to themselves. I think Spookie's way of handling this was the product of her being true to herself, not a reflection of her f*cked-upedness. It wasn't wise, but it seems to have made the most sense because of who she is. Doing the wise thing all the time doesn't always lead to the best outcome, just the safest outcome. Thank you, Story. You have neatly summarized exactly how I feel. I'm not denying that I'm fcvked-up, but this is not my insanity in action. This is the opposite, an attempt to be true to myself.
wuggle Posted February 7, 2009 Posted February 7, 2009 But being self - delusional is not. From what I have read Jack hasn't made a single move on her yet (he has been nice and polite that's all), and sounds like he probably never will (possibly because he is rightly scared). The obsession is all spookies, or have I missed something ? This doesn't sound at all healthy to me and I repeat my earlier advice, get clean, get a different job, get a better shrink etc.
Author spookie Posted February 7, 2009 Author Posted February 7, 2009 While there are companies that will be sympathetic due to her age and quality of work, there are also companies who won't be sympathetic. No doubt. I THINK mine is going to be sympathetic. As I said, I'll probably find out on Monday.
Storyrider Posted February 7, 2009 Posted February 7, 2009 But being self - delusional is not. From what I have read Jack hasn't made a single move on her yet (he has been nice and polite that's all), and sounds like he probably never will (possibly because he is rightly scared). The obsession is all spookies, or have I missed something ? This doesn't sound at all healthy to me and I repeat my earlier advice, get clean, get a different job, get a better shrink etc. Why do we all love to give advice like this, but at the same time we can't get enough of movies where people take risks and follow their guts?
Trialbyfire Posted February 7, 2009 Posted February 7, 2009 Why do we all love to give advice like this, but at the same time we can't get enough of movies where people take risks and follow their guts? Because we know it's fantasy. None of us would jump off a 100 story building with solely a cape and some technology to back it!
Author spookie Posted February 7, 2009 Author Posted February 7, 2009 But being self - delusional is not. From what I have read Jack hasn't made a single move on her yet (he has been nice and polite that's all), and sounds like he probably never will (possibly because he is rightly scared). The obsession is all spookies, or have I missed something ? This doesn't sound at all healthy to me and I repeat my earlier advice, get clean, get a different job, get a better shrink etc. I'm not going to get a different job, because I like this one. I'm not going to get a better shrink, because I just started seeing this one. I'm already trying to get clean. (Keep in mind the progress I HAVE made, like considerably cutting down on my drinking when I used to be an alcoholic (haven't had a drink since long before xmas, and prior to that I was getting really good at moderating myself and actually having "just a beer")) Jack has not made a move, that's true. But that doesn't necessarily mean I'm delusional. He's always struck me as a righteous kinda guy, and there's a good change that he was trying to remain professional. There's also the vibes. I know he LIKES me. I even know that he cares about me. I'm just not sure that translates to wanting to date me, with Jack.
wuggle Posted February 7, 2009 Posted February 7, 2009 Why do we all love to give advice like this, but at the same time we can't get enough of movies where people take risks and follow their guts? Because everyone hated Glen Close in fatal attraction !!
Storyrider Posted February 7, 2009 Posted February 7, 2009 Because we know it's fantasy. None of us would jump off a 100 story building with solely a cape and some technology to back it! Yes, but I'm not talking about a movie like that. If Spookie's story were a movie, of course the character would probably do something at least as bold as she did, if not moreso, because doing the wise and socially correct and polite thing is boring and would yeild no confict or tension, so the story would have no plot. She likes guy. She does nothing about it because it would be too risky. End of story.
allina Posted February 7, 2009 Posted February 7, 2009 allina, it's not as much what she's done or feeling, it's how she's addressed things. While there are companies that will be sympathetic due to her age and quality of work, there are also companies who won't be sympathetic. NO ONE can know which way it will turn out. Everyone has given their input, of which some has been extreme on both sides of the equation and others have given moderate advice. Unless you're sitting in on the meetings with HR and the brass, there's no way to gauge. No one should be using therapy as a crutch. That's not what it's there for. It's intended to help people get over the bumps, most often bumps that are foundational, bumps we're many times not even aware of ourselves. Every person is a composition of nature and nurture. If we understand how we react and what our foundational triggers are, we can reroute our thinking process. Don't knock it until you've honestly tried it. When I say honestly, this means giving it full effort and utilizing the coping tools created. I wasn't knocking therapy as a tool to deal with whatever one needs to deal with. I just don't think that "see a therapist" is the answer to everything. Nor do I think that experiencing something that isn't "normal" is a reason to run to therapy. I am an HR generalist. And I know that this is not a reason to fire someone. Of course each industry and company is different, but firing someone, searching for a new person and spending time and money training a new employee is not something anyone wants to do.
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