My wife's 6-year-old is wrecking my marriage...

[CrazyTammy]

Ya know I only had to read through half of that to get the whole picture. Point blank her ex needs to take the brat and do full custody. If either of my kids got in the way like that and dad could no longer send checks they would bounce right to his doorstep faster than you could say freedom.

 

Today everyone is oh the kids oh the kids but what about me? Not saying I don't love my kids but you have to have me time like they do. If my ex even tries to get out of a weekend visit or vacation I tell him I am going to give custody to my mom and that makes him think twice. Not that I would because I love them and need the money but you have to to know how to work people. When one of my boyfriends spends the night my kids know they stay upstairs all night until I come get them or holy heck will fly.

 

Just get a backbone and I promise your sex life will just go crazy!

 

Peace,

Tammy

[Geishawhelk]

Did you get to the part where her ex has a mental disorder?

[Geishawhelk]

Today everyone is oh the kids oh the kids but what about me? Not saying I don't love my kids but you have to have me time like they do. If my ex even tries to get out of a weekend visit or vacation I tell him I am going to give custody to my mom and that makes him think twice. Not that I would because I love them and need the money but you have to to know how to work people. When one of my boyfriends spends the night my kids know they stay upstairs all night until I come get them or holy heck will fly.

 

Just get a backbone and I promise your sex life will just go crazy!

 

Peace,

Tammy

 

I cannot tell you how charmingly you come across.

 

So I won't.

[Touche]

Wow, I'm with you Geish.

 

Forget that the ex has a mental disorder, I can't under ANY circumstances see giving full custody of my son to someone else (even if it's his own father) just because I'm not getting child support and just because it's upsetting my new husband. No way, no how.

 

Sorry Tammy but you don't sound like a very good mother.

 

The better way, rather than giving your own kid away to your mother or ex is to actually DISCIPLINE the child and teach him how to behave! Wow, what a concept, right?

 

(Oh and I think it's abusive to have different men over while your kids are home. Ugh)

 

Anyway, wonder how the OP is faring.

[Eve]

I cannot tell you how charmingly you come across.

 

So I won't.

 

I agree.

 

Regards,

Eve xx

[Shygirl15]

When you get a chance, read this thread. You'll see bits and pieces of my own story on there also.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=145318&highlight=touche+stepson

 

Here's another one:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?p=1210177&highlight=stepson#post1210177

 

and this one:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t127934/?highlight=stepson

 

By the way, why isn't your wife taking the ex to court over child support? That's unacceptable. You really need to push her on this. That's not fair to you or to your own kids.

 

Yep, you need to really step up here.

Touche, that was really helpful to me as well; my BF's son (11yrs) is also a little monster. I don't just know how to deal with it. The 1st time we were introduced he called me "bitch", and how dare of me to "steal daddy from mommy". Sheesh. Some drama. I'll dig out your old threads on this as well.

 

OP, I feel you. Have no advice however as I'm kinda going through the same. I think we will both benefit greatly from what has already been said here.

[Touche]

Thanks, Shygirl. I'm glad that helped.

 

Did you mean to say you'll dig out your old threads on this? I'll go back and try to find any of yours.

 

Wow, that's extreme! He called you a bytch? What did you do? More importantly, what did his father do?

 

All I can say is that in my experience, the only way it gets better is if you can really get the parent to see what's happening. And don't make it about yourself but about the child and how it's damaging the child to be raised with virtually no discipline.

 

I can remember when my stepson was 9 and he'd come home from school and just drop his coat on the floor in front of the coat closet. Of course H would always come along later and hang it up! I used to call my stepson "The Little Prince" (now I call our son that!)

 

I remember calling my H out on that. I mean what 9 year old can't hang up his OWN coat? Why are you doing this, etc. etc. You know what? My H never thought a thing about it? Never even realized it was wrong and so spoiled of my stepson. Slowly and gradually I made him see.

 

But you have to be VERY diplomatic about all of this and tread lightly. Most parents are extremely sensitive to any criticism regarding their parenting and/or their child's behavior. Divorced parents seem to be even "worse" in this regard.

 

Anyway, I'll see if I can find your posts on this but I'm glad those threads were helpful.

[Kenyth]

He's not the problem.

She's the problem.

 

Being the youngest, he's being spoiled.

He behaves ok when it's just you and him.

maybe you need to have a word with him when it's just you two to try to get to the bottom of it....?

 

 

 

I fully agree with her parenting style being the issue. Unfortunately, you're seeing the fruit of a labor that started before you were around.

 

Being 6 years old, it will not be very useful to reason with him. He is not even at the average point where he can regularly use concrete reasoning, and is still very developmentally egocentric. He is at a borderline age for many developmental milestones.

 

She has thus far unwittingly rewarded bad behavior and he is conditioned to it. Without her help, you can do very little to change things. Together, you two will have to come up with a reward and witholding system to help change his bad behavior.

 

I do not recommend spanking. It can work, but isn't really necessary for sufficiently calm and patient parents willing to put in the time for constructive discipline.

[Shygirl15]

Thanks, Shygirl. I'm glad that helped.

 

Did you mean to say you'll dig out your old threads on this? I'll go back and try to find any of yours.

I thought you said you have some old threads on this issue about your stepson, so I was going to look them up. Or maybe I confused your statement.

 

Wow, that's extreme! He called you a bytch? What did you do? More importantly, what did his father do?

Well, he was spanked hard that day, although I'm not sure if/how that really helps the situation. The boy is already ruining the relationship, that's for sure.

 

I can remember when my stepson was 9 and he'd come home from school and just drop his coat on the floor in front of the coat closet. Of course H would always come along later and hang it up! I used to call my stepson "The Little Prince":lmao: (now I call our son that!)

 

I remember calling my H out on that. I mean what 9 year old can't hang up his OWN coat? Why are you doing this, etc. etc. You know what? My H never thought a thing about it? Never even realized it was wrong and so spoiled of my stepson. Slowly and gradually I made him see.

 

But you have to be VERY diplomatic about all of this and tread lightly. Most parents are extremely sensitive to any criticism regarding their parenting and/or their child's behavior. Divorced parents seem to be even "worse" in this regard.

You're a superwoman, Touche.

 

Seriously, you're. And I'm right behind you following your steps. I'm impressed by the way you handled the situation. I realize it takes a lot of diplomacy and patience which I doubt if I have..

 

I apologize OP, didn't mean to take over discussion. Thanks and all the best in resolving your situation.

[Touche]

 

I thought you said you have some old threads on this issue about your stepson, so I was going to look them up. Or maybe I confused your statement.

 

Oh no. The ones I linked were the ones I found. Not sure if there were any others.

 

Well, he was spanked hard that day, although I'm not sure if/how that really helps the situation. The boy is already ruining the relationship, that's for sure.

 

 

You're a superwoman, Touche.

 

Seriously, you're. And I'm right behind you following your steps. I'm impressed by the way you handled the situation. I realize it takes a lot of diplomacy and patience which I doubt if I have..

 

I apologize OP, didn't mean to take over discussion. Thanks and all the best in resolving your situation.

 

Aww, thanks so much Shygirl. That's so nice of you to say but trust me on this, I'm NOT known for my diplomacy or patience either. And I'm absolutely no Superwoman! No way. That's not me. I guess that's why I'm so proud of myself and how I handled all of that. I rose above my normal ways for the greater good of the relationship and the family. Really, if I can do it you can too. You just have to be persistent and don't be too accusatory. And I'm not saying that I NEVER lost it because I sometimes did but for the most part I was able to stay the course and remain focused and calm to try to fix the whole situation.

 

You can do this, you can. And you know what? It wouldn't hurt for your b/f to know that this needs to improve or you might be out of the picture. I know, I know..threats aren't good but it doesn't hurt either because the truth is, if it gets bad enough you might actually be out of there, right? So don't be afraid to tell him that. And tell him you'll help him and support him. Also try to do more things with the child one on one. That helps too.

[Shygirl15]

You can do this, you can. And you know what? It wouldn't hurt for your b/f to know that this needs to improve or you might be out of the picture. I know, I know..threats aren't good but it doesn't hurt either because the truth is, if it gets bad enough you might actually be out of there, right? So don't be afraid to tell him that. And tell him you'll help him and support him. Also try to do more things with the child one on one. That helps too.

Very good point. BF seems to think that the boy is affected by the situation between him and his wife. Well, I think it's either that or he's taking advantage of the situation to get his way. I'll also try to get one on one with him sometimes. So we'll see.

[Touche]

Very good point. BF seems to think that the boy is affected by the situation between him and his wife. Well, I think it's either that or he's taking advantage of the situation to get his way. I'll also try to get one on one with him sometimes. So we'll see.

 

You know what? Of COURSE the boy is affected. How can he NOT be? All kids of divorce are affected to one degree or another. But that still doesn't excuse bad behavior. Or it shouldn't anyway. Far too many parents who are divorced with kids, let discipline fall by the wayside out of their own guilt. And as you now know, kids take FULL advantage of that.

 

So what you said above in bold is true only it's not one or the other, it's usually BOTH.

 

Yes, do try to give his son more one on one attention. Play board games with him or whatever he's into. And then sometimes you can, in a subtle way, talk to him...like say to him "do you think that was right of you to do/say so and so? It's not very nice and you should think about trying to do better." Something along those lines.

 

If he starts to like you more and accept you, he might be more receptive to those kinds of messages.

[jasminetea]

Its a shame the OP hasn't come back yet, I'd like to hear any updates and if he's taken your advice on board, Touche.

 

Just a thought - as the father is being so disruptive to the son, I wonder if it would be appropriate to get some sort of court order preventing him having the son to stay?

 

Also, the OP seems very fixated on the money/child support situation; I understand that its not fair and I understand that its hard to make ends meet at the moment, but the level of thinking about it the OP seems to display and the ensuing bitterness seems awfully unhealthy to me. It is what it is and as nothing is going to change for the better, there is no point in worrying about it.

[Kenyth]

You know what? Of COURSE the boy is affected. How can he NOT be? All kids of divorce are affected to one degree or another. But that still doesn't excuse bad behavior. Or it shouldn't anyway. Far too many parents who are divorced with kids, let discipline fall by the wayside out of their own guilt. And as you now know, kids take FULL advantage of that.

 

 

It has been postulated that this is the primary reason children of divorce tend to have more disciplinary problems in school and at home.

[Geishawhelk]

 

I say spank the kid when shes not looking.

 

 

You believe deception and violence will solve matters?

 

You are very, very wrong.

 

But yes, you are.

[Geishawhelk]

I will refrain from commenting as to why I think it might have been wrong in your case......or even right.

 

But spanking is assault.

If you use the same level of violence on an adult, as you would a child, the person can actually have you arrested and charged with aggravated assault, and you will have a criminal record.

So beating a minor - who has no legitimate form of defence, is physically incapable of retaliating or defending themselves, and is dealing with a person anything up to 4 or 5 times hios own age - is ok?

 

Why?

 

Simply because you are a parent, does not give you a right to inflict physical punishment upon a child in your care, simply because you are genetically connected to them.

This is how screwy your argument is....

If you smack your child, it's acceptable to you - but if your neighbour does it in the same way, you would bring charges of assault.

 

Tell me the logic in that.

[Geishawhelk]

You're missing my point.

Laying a hand in anger on any child, at any age, is morally wrong and completely unjustifiable.

If an adult doesn't have enough sense, personal self-control, intelligence and savvy to deal with a child in a mature way without resorting to spanking (which is Violence, whatever you want to dress it up as!) then they shouldn't be in charge of children.

[Geishawhelk]

ONE:

We're going dangerously Off-Topic.

 

Two:

I'm a dog behaviourist. Don't ever tell me a shock collar is ok on a dog.

If you think it is, you put one on, and then hand me the control.

See how you like it.

 

Three:

To say you don't spank out of anger is complete BS. That's when a person gets angry. They lose self-control.

If tou can't control your temper, and not spank your child, you're angry and you've lost self-control.

I dare you to deliberately avoid spanking your child when you feel like doing it. Check your temper. It will be up.

You WILL be angry.

 

Of course you spank to hurt!

THAT'S the deterrent! Pain!

That's how you are controlling the child - through pain and fear of reprisal.

The wantoin and deliberate discolouration of their skin, is an indication of blood coming to the surface to heal a wound.

Did you know that?

This is why the area reddens. The blood is trying to heal the damage.

 

I'm not going to continue this here.

As I said, we're too far off topic.

And if you want to start a new thread, be my guest.

I'll be the first to respond.

[Eve]

But spanking is assault.

 

As much as I admire the passion which you approach the subject of spanking, I would say that your thinking is too rigid on the matter and in that sense flawed. Put simply, if spanking is assault, call the Police and see what they will do. Spanking a child is not assault. Hitting a child is assault. There is a differnce methinks. This is because there are behaviours and attitudes which increase the likelihood of abuse but it is not wise to say that all spanking is abuse.

 

The greatest example of which is that a person could never lay a hand on a child and be actively emotionally abusing the child. I am not trying to change your mind. Just be aware that if you have witnessed in any manner a form of assault on a child, on any level, a moral and legal responsibility is then present for you to inform the authorities.

 

If I saw someone hit a child, with anger, I would inform the authorities and more than likely protect the child. If I saw someone spank a child I would leave it between them and the child. There is a specific difference which is acted upon by the experts.. So, if you did report an incident they would be looking for certain percursors and not the actual act of spanking.

 

Had to say that because the emphasis you have placed on the act of spanking as being assault is legally innaccurate.

 

Regards,

Eve

[Shygirl15]

I completely agree with Eve.

 

Were some posts removed? Who is Geisha responding to, I wonder?

[Geishawhelk]

Posts were removed. I'm making no further comment.

[Mary3]

Seems to me you are beating your head against the wall trying to be the Super Man . Why do ALL the problems your wife is having with her no good ex have to manifest themselves into you killing yourself to support everyone and not even getting any sex ?

[Elubat]

This jumps off topic, but have you considered that people make the same mistakes repeatedly in relationships. Women choose the same type of men repeatedly. How are you like her previous husbands? It doesn't seem remotely. Just wondered about the buttons she wants her son to push on your side. Like why is she difficult about managing this seemingly small scale problem.

 

Ah, sorry no matter.