MaizeyKitty Posted August 21, 2007 Posted August 21, 2007 I've never posted like this before but I honestly don't have any friends or aquaintences outside of my job (moved to area about 4 years ago) and don't want to advertise my personal problems to my co-workers...you know, you're supposed to "leave your personal problems at the door". I've been married for four years and have two step-daughters (now 12 and 13) that live with us full time. Before I came into the picture, my husband's mother handled the "mom" things with the girls...almost to a fault because it was a very controlling situation. My husband went along with alot of things she did because he felt like he had to. He was a single father to two girls and needed whatever help he could get. The girls' grandmother absolutely despised their mother and went out of her way to keep them from seeing each other. I enter the picture and eventually my husband and I (me especially) felt like we were baby-sitting our own children, getting rules, instructions and such every evening when picking them up. We made some changes, hit some bumps in the in-law relationship, but that is ok now. I was a step-child as well and felt it was important that the girls have a relationship with their mother. She may not be perfect, but she is their mother and I would hate for them to resent me if I tried to keep them apart. Their mom and I get along really well, she's actually the only female that I have to talk to. She lives pretty far away so the girls spend the majority of the summer with her. This is the third summer that they have spent with her and this year all hell broke loose. I guess it's their age but both of them developed this huge chip on their shoulder, became totally rude and disrepectful to their mom and her husband to the point that she called me a few times in tears. (It's usually the other way around). They will be home this week and I think it has knocked me into this really bad funk. It is going to be so chaotic when they get back. I love them, but I'm really not ready for them to come home. I'm so afraid that we will fall right back into the problems we had when they left. (not following house rules, doing whatever they want after being told no, etc) Being nice to them doesn't work, punishing does nothing...I don't know what to do. I knew this wasn't going to be easy when I married my husband, but I really try to do the best I can for them, for all of us. Maybe I'm just trying to avoid the hurt feelings I had before they left. They are selfish girls who think they're life is sooo difficult. Kids can be selfish, I know, and try to keep that in mind. I don't want to hate them for the way they treat me after all I've done for them. My rational side usually clears thoughts like that out of my head, but it doesn't make the hurt feelings go away. Like I said, I honestly don't have anyone to talk to other than my husband. Maybe I just needed an outlet to vent ( and then the tears come). If anyone has any advice or suggestions I would love to hear them. I've never posted here before so I'm not sure how things go on this site, but please don't bother to post if you have a negative comment or to bash or flame me. I can get that anywhere. Thanks for taking the time to read this.
kobegirl Posted August 22, 2007 Posted August 22, 2007 Hi , well i know it must be really stressfull , and it sounds like the grandmother is just being too burdening ( i know you know that lol ) well , this is the way I would think of things just to take some of the emotional burden off yourself... first, they arent your daughters so I know you care about them but you should have some seperation from them , like if they were your friends children , you care about them but you let their parents worry about any issues they have. i know your a step mother but I feel like you are taking on too much with these girls . I am not saying to hate them or to not care about them , I am just saying maybe you should just take a step back so you wont feel soo overwhelmed. the grandmother is trying to keep the girls from their mother , not you , and you know that , so that is something you shouldnt feel worried or guilty about . you do nice things for them and that's it . let their father discipline and such . that would be better. I do really think you are taking on too much with these girls. more then you have to . let their father deal with their discipline and their grandmother too . just relate to them in a different way . I am saying this because to me , you have the option of not being that involved. and sure give your opinions to your husband and or whatnots but just relate to the girls like they were students or something. I dont know if I helped or if this helps you at all , I hope it does help . it is just what i think .
Citizen Erased Posted August 22, 2007 Posted August 22, 2007 Just thought I would say how great I think it is that you are getting along well with their Mother. Not too many women in these circumstances handle it as well as you, so congrats on that. Okay so, the girls. I know it sucks, but they are getting to the age where they will fight with their parents. For the moment it is their mum, but you will most probably get the same attitude when they come home, which is a real pain lol. Have they had any counseling? They don't appear to have had a stable home growing up, not to mention their parents divorce. Trust me, I know, I have been there. They feel uncertain about their future, their home etc. And the grandmother is not helping AT ALL by interfering. She may have had a hand in raising them, but they need their mother (and you) more then her. We all know what grandmothers are like, spoil the kids rotten, let them get away with everything. Which enables their selfish behavior. She needs to be made to understand her help is appreciated, but she is not their mother. They have two of them, 3 is confusing. I was their age when my parents divorced, and with my mum having a boyfriend, and my dad changing girlfriends alot, it made me feel insecure and really confused. Can only imagine if my grandmother was involved Anyway so yes, you have the unhappy teenage years. Just know you have a place here to vent, everyone will listen and give advice when needed. Try and take one issue at a time, and just provide the girls with a stable home. They may say hurtful things when stressed about boys, school etc. Just remember if you treat them well they will love you when they get older and more in control of their lives.
Author MaizeyKitty Posted August 22, 2007 Author Posted August 22, 2007 First of all, thanks kobegrl and darlin for your responses. Nothing has been resolved of course, but I do feel better now that I've started to get things off my chest. There were some details that got left out, due to length. I could go on and on with details....one of my faults in relaying a story. The girls' grandmother actually has little to no involvement in raising or disciplining them anymore. It's been three years since we made that change. She had alot of resentment towards me when we made the change, I guess she felt it was my doing to shorten (or cut) those strings. It was a mutual decision between my husband and I. It was also at my urging and reasoning that my husband decided to stop dragging out the visitation issue with their mother. Everyone was harboring such resentment over the past that NO ONE was ever going to be happy if it continued. Their mother missed so much of their growing up that she is very grateful that I am in the picture. She tells me she feels so much better knowing I am there and want nothing but the best for her girls, my step-daughters. I agree that both of them have not had the most stable of environments growing up. I would like to help and make it more stable from now on. I've been told before that I do too much for them. I think subconciously my husband thinks that now I am here that he can "take a break". That has been a concern of mine. He can't discipline when it's convenient or suits him. He also has a bad habit of letting things slide, slide, slide until he can't take it anymore and then he blows up. On the opposite end of the spectrum I have a hard time letting ANYTHING slide! My step-father was/is a very strict, structured and organized person. I "hated" him when I was about the girls' age too. The comical thing is now I am exactly like him! My mom is baffled by that one. I told my husband earlier this summer after one of the teary calls from their mother that we both have to present a united front in disciplining them as well as following thru with the discipline. I'm afraid if I step back too much then things will be even worse than they are. I am a sensitive person so they do hurt my feelings often, when I probably should let it go. We did try counseling a couple years ago with them and it was not a good investment at the time. The counselors they saw never got anywhere with them and they didn't like either of them. It's definately something to consider again with a new counselor. My youngest is ADHD on top of going thru puberty so I have appointments scheduled with our doctor to get a physical and medication review for her. She also resents having to take medication but we can't let her go without. The mornings when she would "hide" her pill, we would have to come get her from school for being so disruptive. It's sad but she has to stand in front of you and "prove" that she took her pill. I know she resents that too. I know how I felt about my step-father when I was their age, and how I cherish him now, and try to keep telling myself that the same thing will probably happen with them. It's really rough sometimes and I'm really glad I found a site where I can blow off some steam and get it out instead of taking my hurt and anger out on my family. Thanks again for your responses!
Touche Posted August 22, 2007 Posted August 22, 2007 I've been in your exact shoes, Maizey. My H kind of let me take over the discipline of my stepson when he was younger. (He was 7 when we met and married.) When my stepson was around 12, I was having a hard time with him. I told my H that I'm completely stepping back as far as discipline and rules. I told him that it's time he stepped back in and take over. He did. He had no choice. I didn't give him one. I think you're going to have to do the same thing at this stage of the game. Let him be the enforcer and you play a supporting role. Lay down the ground rules. Also, put in place some consequences for misbehavior. Being a stepmom is the toughest job/role I've ever had. I commend you for caring and taking it on.
Author MaizeyKitty Posted August 22, 2007 Author Posted August 22, 2007 First of all, thanks kobegrl and darlin for your responses. Nothing has been resolved of course, but I do feel better now that I've started to get things off my chest. There were some details that got left out, due to length. I could go on and on with details....one of my faults in relaying a story. The girls' grandmother actually has little to no involvement in raising or disciplining them anymore. It's been three years since we made that change. She had alot of resentment towards me when we made the change, I guess she felt it was my doing to shorten (or cut) those strings. It was a mutual decision between my husband and I. It was also at my urging and reasoning that my husband decided to stop dragging out the visitation issue with their mother. Everyone was harboring such resentment over the past that NO ONE was ever going to be happy if it continued. Their mother missed so much of their growing up that she is very grateful that I am in the picture. She tells me she feels so much better knowing I am there and want nothing but the best for her girls, my step-daughters. I agree that both of them have not had the most stable of environments growing up. I would like to help and make it more stable from now on. I've been told before that I do too much for them. I think subconciously my husband thinks that now I am here that he can "take a break". That has been a concern of mine. He can't discipline when it's convenient or suits him. He also has a bad habit of letting things slide, slide, slide until he can't take it anymore and then he blows up. On the opposite end of the spectrum I have a hard time letting ANYTHING slide! My step-father was/is a very strict, structured and organized person. I "hated" him when I was about the girls' age too. The comical thing is now I am exactly like him! My mom is baffled by that one. I told my husband earlier this summer after one of the teary calls from their mother that we both have to present a united front in disciplining them as well as following thru with the discipline. I'm afraid if I step back too much then things will be even worse than they are. I am a sensitive person so they do hurt my feelings often, when I probably should let it go. We did try counseling a couple years ago with them and it was not a good investment at the time. The counselors they saw never got anywhere with them and they didn't like either of them. It's definately something to consider again with a new counselor. My youngest is ADHD on top of going thru puberty so I have appointments scheduled with our doctor to get a physical and medication review for her. She also resents having to take medication but we can't let her go without. The mornings when she would "hide" her pill, we would have to come get her from school for being so disruptive. It's sad but she has to stand in front of you and "prove" that she took her pill. I know she resents that too. I know how I felt about my step-father when I was their age, and how I cherish him now, and try to keep telling myself that the same thing will probably happen with them. It's really rough sometimes and I'm really glad I found a site where I can blow off some steam and get it out instead of taking my hurt and anger out on my family. Thanks again for your responses!
Touche Posted August 22, 2007 Posted August 22, 2007 One more thing I wanted to add just to give you hope: My stepson has called me "evil", told me he hates me, etc. etc. All stuff you've probably heard by now too. Don't take it personally. If you had biological kid, you'd see that they say that stuff too sometimes. I think when it's a step-child though, you take it more personally. But just wanted you to know that my stepson is 20 now and is the sweetest boy. He never misses my birthday and Mother's Day...always there with a call and a gift. He even looks to me for advice from time to time. It DOES get better. One day you will be rewarded for your love and dedication. In the meantime, hang in there!
Author MaizeyKitty Posted August 22, 2007 Author Posted August 22, 2007 Sorry all for posting twice... not sure how that happened! Thanks Touche. I have a feeling that it is going to eventually come to me stepping back. My fear is that my husband will continue his let it slide mentality and the girls will become even more difficult to handle. They already pull the ask dad when I say no to something trick. We did put a stop to that, or at least made a better effort control it. I do joke with them sometimes when I have them do something they don't want to do..."Hey, you don't have to like me or my rules, I'm the wicked step-mother, remember?" I always get an eye roll and a "whatever, no you're not". I think I do take things more personally with them. It's hard not to sometimes when you put yourself out there like that by choice. I would never, but sometimes I want to shake them both silly and tell them to stop acting like that!! GRRRRRRR. I guess I'll try to tackle one day at a time and continue to do my best. Anyone take Yoga?? I've been curious about it as a stress reducer but all I ever hear about it comes from celebrities, not average people.
Touche Posted August 22, 2007 Posted August 22, 2007 I'm well acquainted with the "let it slide" mentality and the "look the other way" mentality too. You just can't let him do that. They're his kids. He has a responsibility. I had many, many discussions with him about that very thing. I told him that it just simply wasn't acceptable for him to drop the ball where his child is concerned and that it wasn't fair to him (my stepson) or to me. I hate to admit this, but at one point, I even threatened to leave..that's how serious this issue got. We've been married 12 years and that was the only time I made that threat..over that one issue. I don't really recommend doing that, but it was the only way I knew how to get his attention and make him realize how serious it was.
Author MaizeyKitty Posted August 22, 2007 Author Posted August 22, 2007 Oh gosh I hope it doesn't come down to threatening to leave! Yikes! I'm going to have to be more vocal about this. He's gotten mad at me saying it's hard to be around me b/c I'm always mad or in a bad mood, and the girls have even asked him on occasion what was wrong with me. I'd say about two months before school let out the girls and I were in a heated discussion about me asking them to not do something and then turning around and doing it anyway-thinking they won't get caught (and I would say I catch them about 98% of the time...they are not good at hiding things at all and I guess I was when I was their age b/c I pay attention to the small details that always give them away!). I reached my boiling point and asked them "Do you want to know why I'm always mad or in a bad mood? It's because you totally ignore anything I say and do whatever you feel like doing. You both think you don't have to listen to me and it makes me mad!" It didn't do any good to tell them that...in one ear and out of the other, and makes me feel like I have no control over my emotions.
Touche Posted August 22, 2007 Posted August 22, 2007 Yes, I agree. You really have to be more vocal about things with your husband. Put this issue back where it should be for now..with HIM. Just step back. Tell him you're not going to do it anymore but that you'll support him. Tell him that he's not being a parent. For example, the issue with the medication..make HIM responsible for seeing that she takes it. If she doesn't, and she has to be picked up from school, let HIM do it. Seriously, this isn't going to change, until he steps in. As for the girls, you can't give them the option of ignoring you. If they ignore you, are there consequences? Do you take away privileges? Those are things that your husband should really be doing though now. You need to stand up to him and make him step up to the plate.
Author MaizeyKitty Posted August 22, 2007 Author Posted August 22, 2007 I think him giving the meds is a great idea! I'M the one who gets to start my day off in a bad mood getting the girls up, keeping them on task, etc and getting no cooperation from either. If the meds don't get taken he is the one to pick her up. I work at least 30 minutes from the house and school, he is right around the corner. I refuse to waste an hour of my workday to take her home. I personally think they are both old enough to set their alarm and get themselves together without supervision. If they miss the bus, we live close enough for them to walk to school (but Nana will get called b/c god forbid they have to WALK!) I have taken away phones, computers, video games, bikes, tv for ignoring rules, misbehavior....nothing seems to phase them, especially the younger one. You take something from her and she's like...ok (shrugging shoulders). That in itself is enough to drive me mad! I don't let that show, but I was always devestated when I was grounded. I've got a few things to consider and more conversation with my husband. The BIG DAY is tommorrow....they come home and our anniversary! I really didn't want complete chaos for my anniversary, but we'll get thru it I suppose!
kobegirl Posted August 22, 2007 Posted August 22, 2007 I've been told before that I do too much for them. I think subconciously my husband thinks that now I am here that he can "take a break". That has been a concern of mine. He can't discipline when it's convenient or suits him. He also has a bad habit of letting things slide, slide, slide until he can't take it anymore and then he blows up. On the opposite end of the spectrum I have a hard time letting ANYTHING slide! My step-father was/is a very strict, structured and organized person. I "hated" him when I was about the girls' age too. The comical thing is now I am exactly like him! My mom is baffled by that one. I told my husband earlier this summer after one of the teary calls from their mother that we both have to present a united front in disciplining them as well as following thru with the discipline. I'm afraid if I step back too much then things will be even worse than they are. dont be afraid of anything if it gets more worse oh well , that shouldnt affect your marriage just the girls and their father or their mother. , i hate to sound selfish or snide but really .. these girls are not your problem . your kinda making them your problem and when your husband backs up and lets you do all the work that is dangerous territory . men wont do something if they dont have to . i would say back off from disciplining them . dont tell your husband to do it but let me just say he will have no choice but to . I really think that is the way to go . you dont want to be the evil step mother , imean just be supportive with the girls . even if they are not kind to you , they really are not your kids so why get all bent out of shape about it . they have parents , they just need a suportive kinda bigger sister invclved. dont get into the role that you will be the one that is most responsible for these kids.they are in the end the responsibility of their father and mother. and if there is no balance well your husband has got to be a man and figure it out . ( he may be a nice guy but he shouldnt make it your problem and i know you will proobly say he isnt but i think he is making it mostly your problem su conciously ) just because we are women doesnt mean we have to take on a motherly role for everyone who needs it . Anyway , hope you dont take what i am saying the wrong way . i just dont want to see you sacrafice your happiness for girls that are not your responsibilty . it s like doing someone else 's project for them you know what i mean ?
Touche Posted August 22, 2007 Posted August 22, 2007 I think him giving the meds is a great idea! I'M the one who gets to start my day off in a bad mood getting the girls up, keeping them on task, etc and getting no cooperation from either. If the meds don't get taken he is the one to pick her up. I work at least 30 minutes from the house and school, he is right around the corner. I refuse to waste an hour of my workday to take her home. I personally think they are both old enough to set their alarm and get themselves together without supervision. If they miss the bus, we live close enough for them to walk to school (but Nana will get called b/c god forbid they have to WALK!) I have taken away phones, computers, video games, bikes, tv for ignoring rules, misbehavior....nothing seems to phase them, especially the younger one. You take something from her and she's like...ok (shrugging shoulders). That in itself is enough to drive me mad! I don't let that show, but I was always devestated when I was grounded. I've got a few things to consider and more conversation with my husband. The BIG DAY is tommorrow....they come home and our anniversary! I really didn't want complete chaos for my anniversary, but we'll get thru it I suppose! First, I'd like to say that I disagree with Kobegirl. She's giving you the exact same advice I have but I'm not in agreement with her "spin" on this. When we marry a person with kids we do agree to take on a responsibility as step-parents. You agreed to it, Maizey just like I did when you said "I do." It's a package deal. So I don't agree that we as step-parents have no responsibility, because we do. As I see it though, your husband has handed most of it over to you. And I'm sorry but that just isn't acceptable. He's doing just what my husband did. In the end, I didn't accept that and neither should you. I'm glad you liked my idea about the medication. That will be a start. Take baby steps with this. Just one by one start handing over certain responsibilities back to him. I mean come ON! You both work but it sounds like you've taken on WAY more than your share. Don't be a doormat. You're not asking for anything unreasonable in expecting that he take on the role of father to his own children. He really needs to step up. This will only get worse (I guarantee it) it it's not nipped in the bud right now. Oh and happy anniversary! EXPECT no chaos. Demand that there be no chaos, if you need to. But you should have at least some peace and a good time on your anniversary. If you can't get that, something is very wrong here. Good luck with the talk. Let us know if we can help. You will get through this. You will. You sound like a very patient and caring woman (perhaps too patient and tolerant?).
kobegirl Posted August 23, 2007 Posted August 23, 2007 When we marry a person with kids we do agree to take on a responsibility as step-parents. You agreed to it, Maizey just like I did when you said "I do." It's a package deal. So I don't agree that we as step-parents have no responsibility, because we do. yes , some but not all the responsibilities or even most. As I see it though, your husband has handed most of it over to you. And I'm sorry but that just isn't acceptable. He's doing just what my husband did. In the end, I didn't accept that and neither should you. yes , exactly .
Author MaizeyKitty Posted August 23, 2007 Author Posted August 23, 2007 Well, thanks everyone for your thoughts. I see both sides of the coin. I do agree that when I married my husband that his girls came with the package and I was fully aware that it was going to be a challange, I just didn't realize how big of a challenge it would turn out to be. After getting to know the details of their life up until me coming into the picture I also wanted to be able to make a difference in their lives, a positive and stable environment. It hasn't quite turned out that way. I will also agree that I probably take on more than I should with them and that is really my fault. I don't want to admit it but I think it is a control issue that I have. The need to feel like I'm in control of the family, the kids, that I know what is going on all the time with everyone. I know that is completely unrealistic and I don't know why I'm that way. In my first marriage I was in control of everything. I literally handled EVERYTHING in the household. I wore the pants and made the important decisions. We had no children (I guess except for the ex-husband!) and he was happy to let me run the show. I think without realizing it, it became too overwhelming to always be the decision maker and when I took a step back and looked at our life I couldn't see myself married to this guy with absolutely no goals and aspirations in ten years. It was a picture that I just could not get in my head. Now it's almost the opposite. I don't have the control I used to and I can't imagine NOT being married to my husband now, even with the turmoil. I honestly can't let things get much worse than they are. I don't think my nerves could handle it. I really think I would have a nervous breakdown! I think I need to learn to understand what is important and what isn't and let the unimportant things go, stop sweating the small stuff. I also need to learn how to not be so obvious with my feelings and reactions towards the girls when dealing with an issue, learn when to walk away before the situation turns into a shouting match or a "get in the last word game". My husband does need to step up more and I am going to really push that. I feel that we should at least be in this 50/50. The girls' mother lives four hours away so it's not really a situation where she can do much from where she is when they are home with us; and I don't mind 50/50. I don't think that is unreasonable. Their mother and I are always on the same page about them. She had to deal with the same problems this summer as I did during the school year. She's talked to them about treating me unfairly and how disappointed she was and I did the same in regards to how they were treating her, considering the fact they saw her so little. I still view them as my girls even though I did not give birth to them and don't want to completely step back. I am the only mother they physically have for nine months out of the year. I think if I stepped back too much then I would feel like an extra wheel, not feel like a part of my own family. They should be rolling into town any minute now. I have not heard from them yet though. (the funny thing is, they will call me when they get in, not their father!) Well, it is lunch time here and I need to run some errands. I hope everyone has a good day and want to say thanks again to all. This site has really given me alot of food for thought.
Touche Posted August 23, 2007 Posted August 23, 2007 Good luck with this, Maizey. And come back anytime you need to vent about this. Did you have the talk with your H yet?
Author MaizeyKitty Posted August 23, 2007 Author Posted August 23, 2007 THEY'RE BAAAACK!! Touche, Thanks so much. I really appreciate that. The girls got back around 12:30 this afternoon and I avoided saying anything negative on the phone with them other than, please keep the house straight and to please stay out of our bedroom. We had to purchase keyed doorknobs for ours and the oldest's bedrooms because the youngest continued to go in both and take things without asking. I've had so many cosmetics and toiletries dissapear between using them in the morning and TRYING to use them in the evening only to find them in her room. I know they will still snoop until we get the new knobs on!! I did talk to my husband about some changes that needed to be made around the house. We will sit down this weekend and draw up some WRITTEN house rules and WRITTEN consequences. We'll really have to think about the consequences part. The only thing that has had any affect on the youngest was when I removed her door from the hinges. I can't even remember the exact reason other than me telling her if you do this again, the door is coming off ( I think it was slamming the door) WELL, the door came off for about two weeks and it really bothered her. My husband and I will go out to dinner tonight for our anniversary and I'm looking forward to that. I'm trying to stay upbeat about coming home to a full house again. I hope that if I stay positve, the evening will turn out that way. Thanks again. You've been really helpful. I'm sure I will be posting again soon! LOL!
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