My wife's 6-year-old is wrecking my marriage...

[Corsair]

SETUP/HISTORY:

My wife and I met in June 2006. She is a mother of three, now ages 17 (boy), 15 (girl), and 6 (boy), all of whom now live with us. I am a father of two boys, 10, and 12, who live with their mom (with whom I get along fairly well) a few miles away. We share no common children.

 

We quickly discovered how extraordinarily compatible we are, and married in March, 2007. Her ex-husband, once a prominent CEO of a small business, lost his job, his fortune, and has gone from paying my wife [substantial] child support to paying nothing. She did manage to land a good job just before the collapse and was able to replace some--but not all--of the lost child support income, naturally causing finances in the house to become extremely tight. Despite that, we don't argue about money, even though in my heart of hearts I resent the heck out of being stuck holding the bag. I've told my wife this, but also told her I married her for better or worse, and that was that.

 

My wife's older children, in her words, "are a parent's wet dream." They're polite, respectful, have good friends, not into drugs or alcohol (to our knowledge), and are all-around good eggs. The 17-year-old is a straight-A student, and the 15-year-old girl has average grades, is a social butterfly, and texts until her thumbs fall off (in other words, fairly typical.) All three of my wife's kids have a great relationship with their mom.

 

I never tried to foist myself on her older children; they were cold and distant at first, but that never bothered me--I figured they'd warm up to me in their own time, and sure enough, they did.

 

As a stepparent (and a big giant Star Trek nerd), I adopted a strict policy of non-interference along the lines of the "Prime Directive:" Their behavioral dynamic with their mother was theirs and theirs alone and I would not interfere--unless the children were doing something that directly affected me personally. It has worked so far with the older kids. I've respected the kids' space and they have, by-and-large, respected mine.

 

MY PARENTING STYLE

With my own kids, I'm a pretty old-school parent. I don't believe in this new paradigm where parents try to be their kids' best friend--I'm a Dad first and a buddy second. I believe that kids don't need me as a buddy. They need me as a Dad. They have plenty of buddies their own age.

 

I also don't believe in this touchy-feely, new-agy, Dr. Spock "Let the little angels run amok--they're exploring their boundaries" crystal-waving crap. I believe that corporal punishment, IF administered when appropriate and NEVER in anger, is an effective disciplinary tool, as is the occasional drill-seargent parade-ground bellow. I also believe that until a child reaches an age where their evaluative- and critical-thinking skills have blossomed, respect is bestowed, automatically--not earned, as many of these new-agy parents today seem to think (including my wife--more on that later).

 

Not that I want this to devolve the quintessential "To Spank or Not To Spank" debate. I spanked. It worked. I believe in the method. Q.E.D.

 

That being said, I haven't spanked my kids in quite a number of years because I have had no need to. They're "old enough to know better" than to engage in certain behaviors. Their mom and I, I think, have done a pretty good job rearing them thus far. I gots me some good kids.

 

PRESENT-DAY

And then there's my wife's youngest: the 6-year-old boy. He is, in my opinion, by every measurable criterion, a $@&*#! monster.

 

Here's the weird part, though: he's only a monster when his mom is around. His teachers at kindergarten seem to have no out-of-the-ordinary disciplinary problems with him. When my wife isn't around, and it's just he and I, he is an absolute angel, and a total joy to be around, playing quietly alone or with the neighborhood kids.

 

When mom is around, oh boy.

 

He's the most disrespectful little $#|+ imaginable, to me and to everyone else. He talks back, screams, yells, whines constantly, throws tantrums, and refuses to comply with orders. In fact, whenever my wife tells him to do something, his immediate answer is "no." Usually it's "NO!"

 

That makes my head swim. Open, flagrant disrespect is something I would NEVER tolerate. If one of my kids ever told me "no," and yelled at me the way my wife lets her 6-year-old son yell at her, I'd break my hand on their ass. I've said as much to him, and even at six I think he got the message--because he sure as heck doesn't talk like that to me.

 

My job permits me to sleep later than my wife, but I have discovered that I don't need an alarm clock to get me up early--every day at 7:00am I'm roused from sleep by the two of them going at it. He rarely does anything she asks him to do without her screaming at him to do it.

 

Despite that, she waits on him hand-and-foot. Whatever he demands, it seems, she is only too eager to provide, immediately. And it seems the more subserviant she is to him, the worse he treats her.

 

My wife is the diametrically-opposed opposite of me when it comes to parenting: she is very lassez-faire, preferring rather to allow the children to "make their own decisions." At the same time is very protective of her 6-year-old--nobody can tell him to "stop it" or "knock it off" without him running crying to mommy and mommy enabling his unbearable behavior. When she and I are downstairs, trying to relax and unwind in front of the tube after a hard day at work, there's the boy--running around, making noise, bothering everyone, and generally demanding any kind of attention, positive or negative.

 

It has made my living arrangements absolutely intolerable. I cannot stand to be around when I know he's going to be there; it's gotten so bad that when I'm home, I try to squirrel myself away in my office so I don't have to listen to them fighting.

 

This has led to friction in my marriage. My pleas for her to try to curb his behavior have seemingly fallen on deaf ears. Even worse, when I try to step in and try to get him to calm down and stop acting so reprehensible (remember, I don't interfere unless there's something directly affecting me, and noisy whining certainly affects me), my wife says it makes her not trust me. Worse, she said my lack of a relationship with her son has "pushed her farther away from me. I suppose I can understand that, too--but gee, whiz! Meet me halfway--I've told her how I feel about his behavior, and yet she does nothing. Nor will she let me do anything. What kind of a relationship does she expect me to have under those circumstances?

 

I'd really rather not put her in the position of having to choose her son over me; that's a horrible position to put a parent into. And I can even see where she would want to let her kids "make their own decisions" if there were actual consequences arising from his decisions, but damned if I can see what they are.

 

She tells me that she did exactly the same thing with her other two kids, and they turned out fantastic. I guess I can't really argue with that logic, because it's true. but DAMMIT ALL ANYWAY! The kid is driving me nuts, and my articulation of this to my wife is not only summarily ignored, but seems to be actively harming my marriage.

 

I'm at my wits' end. Any suggestions, beyond traditional marriage counseling/therapy--which I am a firm believer in and am currently attempting to seek? Any comments? Am I right? Am I wrong? I'm a big guy--I can admit when I'm wrong.

[Geishawhelk]

He's not the problem.

She's the problem.

 

Being the youngest, he's being spoiled.

He behaves ok when it's just you and him.

maybe you need to have a word with him when it's just you two to try to get to the bottom of it....?

 

He's jealous of you, obviously.

You're taking away the attention he feels he should have, and he wants her undivided attention.

She's compensating.

 

Maybe you need to have a family Pow-wow and enlist the help of the older kids and get to the bottom of this.

 

But don't blame him.

If he's ok around you, when she's not there, then understand that she's the source, you're the catalyst.

 

He's just a kid.

But he's been given a lot of free rein, and it has to stop.

 

BTW.

I wholeheartedly and completely disapprove of corporal punishment, in any form.

 

It's unjustified, unnecessary, bombastic, authoritarian and violent.

 

I just thought, as you have been so honest, candid and up-front, you should know that.

 

And I do have kids.

 

'Nuff said.

[sb129]

I don't have kids, and I appreciate there are many different parenting styles with various merits.

I am planning on becoming a parent soon though (this year hopefully!) so I am taking more of an interest in parenting.

 

The one thing I have noticed that continually crops up in accounts of "successful" parenting is if both parents are united in their approach and discipline.

 

You and your W don't seem to be on the same page regarding this child, and he knows it. He sees and manipulates the weaknesses your W has. He knows that she will give in to his demands, and he knows that he can get away with said behaviour, because you won't step in.

 

You shouldn't have to "step in". Your W should be able to discipline her son and get support from you to back her up.

As GW says, this isn't HIS fault- its hers for enabling it.

 

By getting married to you and all of you living in the same house, I think she handed SOME parenting rights over to you- so your opinions should count.

 

Perhaps that approach did work for her other two kids, but she isn't with her kids dad anymore, maybe, just maybe this had something to do with the breakdown of that marriage? (Just a guess)

 

You and your W need to talk about this- without the kids around, and sort out some kind of plan, and STICK to it. You may need MC to assist with this.

 

She needs to know that you will not tolerate this going on indefinitely, and things needs to change, and that you have every right to be involved in those changes.

[whichwayisup]

He's not the problem.

She's the problem.

 

I agree 100%. You need to talk to your wife and together figure out how to handle things with her son. Obviously what she's doing now isn't working.

 

He's pushing her buttons and waiting for reaction, even negative reaction is good enough for him. He's acting out on purpose, so instead of yelling, she needs to give him time-outs and make sure the punishment is consquences. NO tv, computer for afew days, stuff like that. Kids understand those kinds of consquences. Yelling they will just tune out.

[Trialbyfire]

Corsair, what was the parenting style of the biological father? This might help to figure out why the first two children turned out as wonderful teenagers and the last, such a little monster. I suspect he was more of an authoritarian, than your wife.

 

I'm also heavily against any kind of physical punishment. It's not necessary. Having said that, reward, punishment and strong parental boundaries, can create strong, respectful, confident and secure individuals.

 

And no, I don't have any children but have worked with and been exposed to many children.

[Meaplus3]

He's pushing her buttons and waiting for reaction, even negative reaction is good enough for him. He's acting out on purpose, so instead of yelling, she needs to give him time-outs and make sure the punishment is consquences. NO tv, computer for afew days, stuff like that. Kids understand those kinds of consquences. Yelling they will just tune out.

 

Yes...Exactly everything WWIU said here!

 

Mea:)

[Corsair]

Corsair, what was the parenting style of the biological father? This might help to figure out why the first two children turned out as wonderful teenagers and the last, such a little monster. I suspect he was more of an authoritarian, than your wife.

 

Oh, Trialbyfire, funny you should ask...

 

I'm my wife's third husband. I've never met husband #1, father of the two older children. By all accounts, husband #1 was a lazy, good-for-nothing layabout who refused to work, and signed over his parental responsibilities to my wife when he became so arrears in back child-support they were about to toss him in the slammer.

 

Signing away his parental rights paved the way for my wife's second husband to legally adopt them.

 

About him...

 

My wife's 6-year-old's dad, to whom my wife was married for ten years, is the quintessential [expletive deleted, so please choose your favorite]. The man is a gelatinous, quivering, spineless ball of neuroses (not well-adjusted like me </sarcasm>).

 

For starters, he suffers from bipolar disorder in a big, big way; so much so he must take medication to control it. In and of itself, that's not so bad, if that were the only thing on his side of the court. But it isn't.

 

He also suffers terrible abandonment and love issues. When legally adopting my wife's children wasn't enough to satiate his unquenchable desire for unconditional love, he convinced my wife to have a child by him, despite her repeated protestations.

 

He also has what I like to call "perpetual victim" disorder. Nothing is ever his fault. He would never think for a second that his constant drinking, drug use, or infidelity contributed in any way to the failure of his marriage or his business--quite the opposite: he would blame my wife for fostering in him the desire to engage in those behaviors. He hasn't lifted a finger in a year to try to find work. The bank is foreclosing on what was the marital home, thus obliterating my wife's once-stellar credit. That, too, is her fault: if she were more assertive, according to him, she would've never allowed him to stay in the place. Yeah.

 

He is also impulsive and abusive, both physically and mentally.

 

I could go on and on. Suffice to say he's a real prince among men. If it weren't for the fact he's such an [expletive], and that he wasn't screwing us over in just about every possible way he can think of, I'd actually have a little sympathy for him--I've seen fewer people so #@&*%$!'d up that weren't in some sort of institution with padded walls.

 

As for parenting skills: they're practically non-existent.

 

The man is a jellyfish. I have always believed that the very worst thing you could do to a young child is put him/her in charge. Well, whenever my wife's 6-year-old takes visitation with his dad (and he's the only one who does anymore--neither of the other kids can stand him), Mi wife's ex kisses his little six-year-old's ass more and harder than my wife. Whatever the kid says, goes--no matter how outrageous. I cringe when I hear that he's coming back from a weekend visitation with his dad because he always comes back ten times worse(!) than when he left! I didn't even know that were possible! It takes my wife about four hours just to get his behavior down from downright abominable to merely reprehensible.

 

I just leave the house. That is something I cannot bear to watch. I make up something I have to do and disappear for a few hours. Otherwise I'd go berserk.

[Lizzie60]

I don't really have an advice, but methink you won't last another 3 years... in a situation like that.

 

She is obviously the problem.. and she refuses to see it, therefore she's not doing anything to help the kid.. it will NOT get better... unless she acknowledge that she has to discipline the little 'beast'...

 

Not easy .. that's why I refuse to even date a man with young children..

[Trialbyfire]

Something's not adding up Corsair. You can't raise two well-adjusted teenagers with two jellyfish parents. Either your wife is misrepresenting her first husband or there was some form of outside influence, such as live-in relatives like grandparents or an excellent daycare/nanny situation.

[Geishawhelk]

In that case, there is every possibility that some of junior's charming characteristics are not only nurtured by his father, but that they're also inherited.

 

This is a lifetime's work, you have here.

Having a fuller picture makes it far easier to see what you're dealing with.

 

Do you think you have what it takes - both as influence on him and her - to effect a change?

 

Are you strong enough to go the distance of seeing even just a 25% improvement, in goodness-knows how long?

And it could be long.....

 

Do you love her - and consider him - enough to want to face this?

 

Do you actually want to do this?

 

You don't need to answer any of these questions here, on line, now or ever.

 

But they are questions you should definitely be asking yourself.

And more importantly - answering.

[Trialbyfire]

The reason I'm harping on the second influence on the first two kids, is that it could become better leverage with your wife, to either have a greater ability to discipline (non-physically) or to make her understand that children don't raise themselves, so she needs to do more.

[Corsair]

Something's not adding up Corsair. You can't raise two well-adjusted teenagers with two jellyfish parents. Either your wife is misrepresenting her first husband or there was some form of outside influence, such as live-in relatives like grandparents or an excellent daycare/nanny situation.

 

*shrug* I've tried to be as accurate as I can... Perhaps Husband #2 wasn't a jellyfish before, and just plain crazy and mean? I could see that...

 

He was so hard on my wife's oldest son that he has issues today that he's still trying to work through. He never wants to see his adopted father again.

 

---

 

Y'know, my wife is so wonderful in every respect... She's my true soulmate, I've looked a lifetime to find someone as wonderful as she. But this issue with her youngest is really out of control and destroying the relationship for me. It is the only source of unhappiness in an otherwise outstanding marriage. Not even the fact that I got left holding the bag, supporting financially another man's kids bothers me, especially when the two older children are so fantastic.

 

I wish my wife and I could agree on what should be done about her youngest. Things cannot continue the way they are. It's making me miserable, and something's gotta give.

[Corsair]

In that case, there is every possibility that some of junior's charming characteristics are not only nurtured by his father, but that they're also inherited.

 

This is a lifetime's work, you have here.

Having a fuller picture makes it far easier to see what you're dealing with.

 

Do you think you have what it takes - both as influence on him and her - to effect a change?

 

Are you strong enough to go the distance of seeing even just a 25% improvement, in goodness-knows how long?

And it could be long.....

 

Do you love her - and consider him - enough to want to face this?

 

Do you actually want to do this?

 

You don't need to answer any of these questions here, on line, now or ever.

 

But they are questions you should definitely be asking yourself.

And more importantly - answering.

 

Oh, I ask myself these questions every day.

 

With the genetic stock that the little one comes from, I can easily see him inheriting his father's characteristics and becoming an enormous drain on all aspects of our lives--not just our marriage.

 

On the other hand, my mom was not mentally stable herself. She's much better now, but when I was younger she was an agoraphobic, wracked with daily panic attacks. I seem to have avoided that particular malady myself, or any other serious mental illness (other than being somewhat stubborn).

 

I'm scared about the future. And this isn't anything I haven't told my wife, either. She rails against people automatically comparing her youngest with her second husband. But when their behavior is so eerily similar...

[Corsair]

I seem to have avoided that particular malady myself, or any other serious mental illness (other than being somewhat stubborn).

 

I always thought that was a "man" thing anyway.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

Pick up a copy of 123 Magic. I believe its also available on DVD now. Present it to your wife as a way to "help" the little monster:love:. Watch it together and commit to putting it into practice for 6 weeks.

 

I disagree that you should not be a disciplinarian for a child as young as 6 as his primary care taker. The fact that neither you nor his teacher have trouble with him means that he is capable of behaving but has a need to cntrol his mom for some reason. Your wife has no previous experience dealing with a difficult child.

 

I have 2 children who are very adhd. Actually they tested the youngest for aspbergers at around 3. He was actually a danger to himself. Sweetest little thing in the world but a wild child. We watched the tape together, read the book, gave his 3-K teacher the book and tape and together we all implemented 123 magic consistantly.

 

Within 3 weeks we had a different child. It will take everyone being on the same page though. If he is this difficult at 6 I can't imagine what puberty will be like if you can't get him under control.

[Touche]

Out of all the advice you received this is key:

 

Do you think you have what it takes - both as influence on him and her - to effect a change?

 

You HAVE to start being more proactive here.

 

I've written about this extensively here on LS. I was you over 10 years ago. My stepson's behavior was unacceptable.

 

Your title disturbs me a bit though. It's not your stepson who is the problem it's his mother, as everyone as pointed out. And I know how this sounds but you have to be able to separate the child from his behavior. You really do. It's hard though.

 

Just to let you know my H (now) and I are exactly the "old school" type parent you are. Yep, the new agey no spanking-oh you'll ruin his self-esteem- style parenting is not for us.

 

But it wasn't always so.

 

I was dealing with the SAME exact issue you are now. I actually thought I wasn't going to make it. I got tired of saying nothing and started speaking out. It only got worse. H got super protective of his son and wouldn't hear me out. I persisted. I did not let up. I cut out articles and read to him from books. (By the way, the one who had the most influence on my husband was John Rosemond.) He used to have a regular column in the newspaper. But he's written a few books.

 

Pick up some of his books and read them out loud to your spouse...well read certain passages. It will finally sink in hopefully.

 

My H finally broke down and said he couldn't really do it. I guess it was the guilt over the divorce that made him spoil his son so.

 

He told me that I could take over the disciplining for awhile. And even though I do believe in spanking, I chose to eliminate that with him since I'm not his mother. However, I'm the mother figure in our household and deserved to be respected in our home.

 

So starting at about age 9, I took over. (My stepson was 7 when we got married.) I set the rules and I administered the consequences. I also spent more time with him one on one..I played board games with him, taught him how to swim, etc.

 

Sometimes he hated me and other times he loved me..just like it is with our own child we had between us. I mean it became a real parent/child relationship...not me tolerating him when he was with us which was every other week for a week.

 

Of course I got the "My mom lets me do so and so" and I told him that when he's at his mom's house he has to abide by her rules (more like NO rules) but when he was at our house, he had to go by our rules.

 

Long story short, around the age of 12 the rebellion of a pre-teen started. I told my H I wanted to turn things over to him. He took over and was great. A boy really needs a father's influence at that age and above.

 

Anyway, it went fine. My H and I were on the same page and fast forward to now. My stepson is 21 and the greatest kid. He's a great college student. Sweet as can be...never forgets b-days, etc. Calls me his "other mom." Just the best. I only hope OUR son turns out as great.

 

If you have any questions for me fire away. I've rushed through this as I have some things to do but I had to answer your thread having been in your exact shoes. It wasn't fun and we had lots of heated arguments over that whole issue. It was the ONLY thing we fought about. And I really was thinking of leaving. My stomach would literally be tied up in knots when our stepson was with us...but it was all because of my H..not my stepson.

 

Please try to keep that mind and not let your resentment about this rub off on the boy. You may very well end up being the best thing that ever happened to him.

 

I have lots of examples I can give you about what I'm talking about.

 

I'll keep my eye on this thread. I feel your pain and misery over this. You CAN get past this and have a happy marriage and family life. We did. It can be done. Hang in there. Change what you've been doing though...because you know what they say, if you keep doing what you've been doing, you'll keep getting what you've been getting.

[norajane]

With the genetic stock that the little one comes from, I can easily see him inheriting his father's characteristics and becoming an enormous drain on all aspects of our lives--not just our marriage.

 

Oh, please! It's not his "genetic stock" that is the problem! If it were, you would not be able to say this:

Here's the weird part, though: he's only a monster when his mom is around. His teachers at kindergarten seem to have no out-of-the-ordinary disciplinary problems with him. When my wife isn't around, and it's just he and I, he is an absolute angel, and a total joy to be around, playing quietly alone or with the neighborhood kids.

He's been taught to behave well and he's perfectly capable of behaving, but he's a 6 year old boy whose parents divorced when he was very young, his mother married you within 9 months of meeting you, he has two step-siblings much older than him, a dad on a downward spiral, so he's acting out. He needs patience, kindness, firm boundaries, and consistent parenting from you and his mother.

 

If he were truly a genetically formed monster, his bad behavior wouldn't show up ONLY when his mother is around. Don't label this boy a monster and write him off as genetically bad. He needs more guidance.

[Touche]

When you get a chance, read this thread. You'll see bits and pieces of my own story on there also.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=145318&highlight=touche+stepson

 

Here's another one:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?p=1210177&highlight=stepson#post1210177

 

and this one:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t127934/?highlight=stepson

 

By the way, why isn't your wife taking the ex to court over child support? That's unacceptable. You really need to push her on this. That's not fair to you or to your own kids.

 

Yep, you need to really step up here.

[Corsair]

If he were truly a genetically formed monster, his bad behavior wouldn't show up ONLY when his mother is around. Don't label this boy a monster and write him off as genetically bad. He needs more guidance.

 

I have no intention whatsoever of writing him off. I firmly believe a person is as much a product of his environment as much as their genetics. And, as I said in a previous post, when he's alone with me, he's fine. When he's alone with his grandma, he's fine. When he's with his mom: he's Damien.

 

In order to make my marriage to his mom work, I need to integrate him into my life. But right now, being told that I have no disciplinary authority to correct this untenable situation, I feel like I'm eight years old and being forced to eat brussels sprouts before I can go out and play (p.s. I loathe brussels sprouts).

[Corsair]

By the way, why isn't your wife taking the ex to court over child support? That's unacceptable. You really need to push her on this. That's not fair to you or to your own kids.

 

Heh. Funny you should ask...

 

Without giving away too much anonymity, my wife is very, very friendly with many high-ranking folks within the State of Florida, Department of Revenue, Child Support Enforcement.

 

Long story short: there's nothing she can do to her ex that he isn't already doing to himself. When you get sufficiently arrears in child support in Florida, the State does three things:

 

1. They take away your drivers license. Ex's license is gone due to many outstanding unpaid moving violations. Besides, his car died and he doesn't even have the money to get it fixed. Pathetic.
   
2. They suspend any professional licenses, business licenses, and intercept tax refunds. As he has NO INCOME for most of 2007 and all of 2008, there will be none of that. And his business is gone. They also suspend your passport. Well, without $$$, he ain't going nowhere.
   
3. They toss you in the slammer. As he owes the IRS several hundered thousand dollars already and is being investigated by the FBI for various forms of fraud, he'll be off to Club Fed in about six months to a year.
   

There's nothing left for us to do. So, I'm left holding the bag. No, it's not fair, but it is what it is. That wasn't the case when I married her--but nonetheless, I made her the most solemn promise to stand by her for better, worse, richer, poorer, and all that.

 

I firmly believe there's a reason for everything. There is a reason I'm here with this wonderful, fantastic, amazing woman and her family. I probably can't see it, but I'm sure there's a reason I'm here. That's why I want to work through this issue and make the marriage work. I will never find someone as wonderful as my wife, not ever. We met by the purest of chances and I'll never replace her.

 

There's also a reason I'm going through this bologna with her son. The universe thinks I need to, for whatever reason--maybe it thinks I'm not patient enough, or something--I don't see the reason now, but I know that it's there.

 

And that's why I'm here on the forums--to get some help. It's the first step.

[Trialbyfire]

Corsair, this has become more of a sticking point because you're forced to fully support everyone, true or not true?

[Corsair]

Corsair, this has become more of a sticking point because you're forced to fully support everyone, true or not true?

 

Well, I don't fully support everyone. My wife works [now. Before she was a stay-at-home mom]. But I certainly make the lion's share of the money that comes into the household. And we get ZERO help from my wife's ex.

 

Plus, I still have to pay child support to my own ex.

 

But you're right. If you look at it from outside the relationship, it looks like I got royally screwed.

 

 

• Ex stopped paying in December, 2007 right as I got a fairly good raise and a promotion. What was supposed to go directly for our debt-reduction and retirement is instead supporting the household. In fact, I've had to take a second job a couple of nights a week to make ends meet, which we do, only barely, with no margin for error.
  
• Ex stopped paying the mortgage, obliterating my wife's credit--one of the few reasons we even got married in the first place was so we could buy a house together. We can't anymore, and must continue renting for the forseeable future.
  
• Ex lost his license and his car, and is now no longer able to provide THE ONE REDEEMING THING THAT WAS THE VERY LEAST HE COULD POSSIBLY DO--pick up his 6-year-old from kindergarten and keep an eye on him until my wife got out of work. He can't even do THAT anymore, and so now I have to pay for daycare, too.
  
• Before his business collapsed, he was paying to keep all three kids in private school. Since my oldest is 17, and was a senior in 2008/2009, my wife decided to keep him in private school and have her parents pay for it. My wife's ex borrowed/stole so much from my wife's mom that she can no longer pitch in for her grandson's private school tuition--so guess who has to cough up the rest, lest he not graduate and go off to college: Yup. You guessed it. We do, which my wife has decided to take out of our tax refund. I can't even afford to send MY OWN kids to private school!
  
• Since my wife started working a year ago, she comes home exhausted. We tried to still keep our "date night" every Tuesday, which WAS an overnight visitation night for the ex, according to their divorce decree. No longer, since he doesn't have a car, and can't get his son to school in the morning. I can't remember the last time my wife and I actually had the house to ourselves, much less had an opportunity for, well, you know. It's beem several months, at least.
  

It's safe to assume that the honeymoon is most definitely over.

 

So, if I have to tolerate all of the above, the very least I could expect is for some cooperation in the kid discipline department--at least to not be woken up at 7am (after not getting to bed untill 3am because of my second job) because her son is being a #@&*%$! brat and screaming is fool head off at his mom.

[Trialbyfire]

You've got a lot of pent up hostilities towards the situation and frankly, I don't blame you, all things considered.

 

But...

 

You can't focus all of this, onto a 6 year old. Some of these issues, your wife can resolve, such as learning to handle the 6 year old and also giving you more disciplinary abilities with him. This means the two of you have to agree on what those actions will be and stand firm together as a team, instead of fighting with each other over them.

 

Also, she has a 17 teenager. Why wouldn't this teenager be babysitting on date night, instead of the ex-H?

 

These are two issues that both of you can resolve...NOW. Then slowly resolve any other issues. You're stressed to the max, feeling unappreciated. Your wife is probably stressed to the max too. Both of you deserve one night a week out!

[Touche]

You said you can take it and I don't mince words. In short...you're a wimp. There I said it.

 

You completely ignored my whole first post and only zeroed in on my one comment about finances in the second post.

 

You should have put this in the rant/vent section since that's all you seem to want to do. You don't seem to want to take ACTION and DO something about this.

 

Wow, if I were you there is no way in HELL I'd be forking out money to put one kid in private school at the expense of the others. Especially when that one kid isn't even mine to have to support!

 

You're a wimp and you're pussy-whipped. (Hey, you said you can take it.) You're letting your wife call ALL of the shots. You even described feeling like a child.

 

And on top of everything there's no sex. Wow. This is a disaster in the making. I believe another poster said they don't give this marriage very long. Frankly, I dont' either unless you do something right now.

 

Do you know the stats for blended family marriages? They're staggering. I believe it's over 60% failure rate. The odds are against anyone in this situation making it. Your odds, if you do nothing, are even worse. I'd say it's an 80 to 90% chance that you won't make it.

 

This isn't for everybody. It's very, very hard. If you're too scared to stand up and be a man in your own household, you're doomed I'm sorry to say.

 

You can also ignore this post and just keep whining about it or you can actually start to DO something to fix this.

 

I wish you luck.

[Eve]

I don’t know, kids do tend to mess their mothers about... it’s like a rite of passage! My concern is that the behaviour of your stepson is more like that of a 2 - 3 year old than a 6 year old. Overall, I think he does what he does simply because he can. Once you have factored out any medical reasons for his behaviour then I would say that you are left with following the advice of behavioural psychologists combined with creating reality based rules which match that of your family.

 

BUT, I do think that you need to work on the anger that you are feeling because this could be making the situation worse; the boy will want his mother to love him more in the face of any anger you are showing. I hope that you are not acting all pissed off around him (?)

 

Advice? I think he is too old for smacking now. I wonder if anything in particular has happened for him to start behaving this way? Going to School can be a massive trigger for a change in Childs behaviour. My youngest child didn’t settle until she was about 11 years old! With our children, removing things they like has worked well throughout all the stages of their development, but we have only gone as far as that for really naughty behaviour. Deliberately ignoring the behaviour has also worked well. No audience, no pay off.

 

I must say though that one thing in particular did stand out to me - you mentioned that there is a lot of conflict in the morning. Maybe the morning routine needs to be the first point of improvement? Make a morning routine that the boy is involved in and has specific jobs. Things seem to go bad right from the start of day and this is not good!

 

Work on things which the child can relate to as being important but try and give him a focus beyond what you and your Wife feel. For example, stating a simply thing such as 'Jonny fed the birds this morning' to a Teacher can have a positive effect on behaviour. Kids like to feel as though they can do things right. I am sure that you and your Wife can come up some ideas which could work.

 

I do understand your views on respect needing to be present within the parent/child dynamic and your description of your 'Star Trek' stance totally cracked me up! I suppose you have to think, 'what would Spock do' in this situation rather than Kirk in this scenario!

 

I can’t comment on the other financial issues but can see how pressures have built up. Family life can really be very hard to navigate at times but I do think that you have to try and handle things in chunks rather than go at it to sort everything out. I agree with Touche on the activities side of things. The answer of doing more together is a good focus.

 

Try not to take things too seriously. Make home a timeless, warm place where everything is heard. He will be ok.

 

.. and get out more with your Wife.

 

Regards,

Eve xx