Handling finances in marriages/partnerships

[Shygirl15]

And maybe there has been a thread on this already, but I would like to see what people on here favour most; sharing your finances or keeping them separate in long-term partnerships? What did/does your partners favour most?

 

During my marriage, we kept our finances separate, and just basically agreed on who is going to take care of what (in terms of expenses and bills). We kept two joint accounts however; one for our son's college fund, and the other for family activities (holidays, contributions etc). Other than that, each one of us maintained their own finances. Not once in 10 years of marriage, did we fight over money.

 

My BF has pretty much the same opinion and, in addition, he believes in showing each other bank statements and that spouses should allow each other to keep personal cheques for each other's checking accounts in case of emergency. Now that didn't work very well for him in his marriage, but he still believes that with the right person, it can work out very well. I'm not so much in favour of showing my spouse my bank statement; I mean, if we have agreed that we keep our finances separate, and I have dutifully fulfilled my responsibilities in terms of paying bills and expenses that we agreed I should, why the need for him to still want to scrutinize what I have been spending the rest of my money on?

 

How has your experience been? What have you learned from it that you will (not) carry forward into your next relationship? How much access to your financial information are you willing to give to your partner, if you maintain separate finances?

[carhill]

You have to be transparent when divorcing anyway, so it really doesn't matter. I'm so glad we kept our finances and businesses separate. Transparent but separate. I would've imploded years ago with the disparate fiscal philosophies, primarily in the area of wants vs needs, if finances had been joint.

 

Only change in the future, if there is a future, will be a very detailed prenup. Community property states suck.

[Lauriebell82]

I don't have an issue with sharing finances. That's unless of course you have different spending styles. If one person blows through money and the other is conservative than that probably wouldn't work. I'm not at all hesistant or have a problem sharing my bank statement. Actually my current relationship, we know how much each other makes and our savings. I know how much he has in his investments. It's not really an issue for either of us, and we wouldn't have any problem merging accounts if we got married.

 

I think you just have to have to both agree to that kind of idea, otherwise seperate finances would be a better idea.

[Shygirl15]

But most couples DO have different spending styles. It's nearly impossible to find partners with exactly the same spending style, and if they exist, I'm sure one of them adjusted to the other's way of spending money.

 

My personal opinion is, if my partner wants to blow up their money on something unuseful, that's their business. As long as he meets his part of the deal, all the bills have been paid, and what he blows up is his money.

 

I think keeping finances separate saves a lot of unnecessary arguments which can lead into much deeper problems. It is said that more couples break up over money than other causes like infidelity, but I do not think many people give it as much weight as they should, before entering lifetime commitments.

[lonelyandfrustrated]

Income goes into a shared account, and we have a shared emergency fund savings account, but we each maintain our own brokerage account and retirement account(s), with each other as the beneficiary should one of us expire. We try to keep the contributions to those equal, but I've been on a bit of a bender buying cheap stock.

[ssb]

I'm curious too - I married a guy who I thought was financially well off only to find that he asked me for my savings for his share of the wedding expenses as well. I try to keep my income in a seperate account and pitch in for the expenses but I find that he is constantly dipping into my account by making various excuses. I kept accounts and told him how much he owed me and asked him to pay me back one day and he totally blew his lid. Am I being selfish here? He doesnt even tell me what he takes my money for!

[Star Gazer]

In a previous relationship we handled finances fairly well, and I intend on handling it the same way when I (eventually) get married:

 

Both partners put a certain percentage of their income (probably a majority) into a joint account, while reserving a significant portion of their salary for their own separate, private accounts. The funds put into the joint checking would go towards joint bills and expenses (mortgage, utilities, car payments, etc.), and the funds put into the joint savings would go towards joint goals (vacations, savings for specific things).

 

This would allow each partner to keep their own money to play with (or spend on the other - gifts, treating to dinner, etc.) as they see fit, without any oversight or meddling by the other. So long as each puts in his/her appropriate share into the joint account, that's all either would need to know.

 

Also, the amounts put into the joint account would be a certain percentage of each partner's salary. That way neither would be penalized for making more than the other, and each would still be motivated to earn a good salary because they would still stand to benefit from the increase, but so would the marriage.

[Enema]

I'm curious too - I married a guy who I thought was financially well off only to find that he asked me for my savings for his share of the wedding expenses as well. I try to keep my income in a seperate account and pitch in for the expenses but I find that he is constantly dipping into my account by making various excuses. I kept accounts and told him how much he owed me and asked him to pay me back one day and he totally blew his lid. Am I being selfish here? He doesnt even tell me what he takes my money for!

 

Don't let him have access to your account.

 

You're not being selfish, it's not right for him to take your money without even asking or explaining.

 

I think the fairest way is to have separate accounts and split bills down the middle. When both people work, finances should be handled like roommates so that there's no resentment of how money is being spent.

 

My wife and I have separate accounts and we both pay $x on the mortgage. I take care of all the bills except groceries. Works for us.

[hunkahunkaburninlove]

Joint accounts for 29 years. We check with each other on major purchases. I do keep some MDK (mama don't know) money. Which is funny when you think about it. Because she knows. So I can take her out or buy her something without her knowing. I guess I always looked at it that when it says, the two shall be one. It meant in everything. My wife and I look for things and ways that actually draw us closer together and make the ties deeper. JMHO

[LakesideDream]

I'm old enough that kids are grown, etc. I may have a different outlook.

 

If lucky enough to have another serious, live in, married type relationship I will absolutely not make money a priority. I pay my bills now and have "enough" with some left over, not enough to be frivilous, but enough for extra comforts. If I had a live in partner that would not change in a signifigant way. Other than extra food and utilities, which is trivial.

 

 

I would expect and assume that a future partner would have income as well. At my age money is pretty much set, where it goes, what's important, all that.

 

There would be no reason to co-mingle finances. If my partner wanted something she could afford, great. Ditto for me.

[Gunny376]

And maybe there has been a thread on this already, but I would like to see what people on here favour most; sharing your finances or keeping them separate in long-term partnerships? What did/does your partners favour most?

 

During my marriage, we kept our finances separate, and just basically agreed on who is going to take care of what (in terms of expenses and bills). We kept two joint accounts however; one for our son's college fund, and the other for family activities (holidays, contributions etc). Other than that, each one of us maintained their own finances. Not once in 10 years of marriage, did we fight over money.

 

My BF has pretty much the same opinion and, in addition, he believes in showing each other bank statements and that spouses should allow each other to keep personal cheques for each other's checking accounts in case of emergency. Now that didn't work very well for him in his marriage, but he still believes that with the right person, it can work out very well. I'm not so much in favour of showing my spouse my bank statement; I mean, if we have agreed that we keep our finances separate, and I have dutifully fulfilled my responsibilities in terms of paying bills and expenses that we agreed I should, why the need for him to still want to scrutinize what I have been spending the rest of my money on?

 

How has your experience been? What have you learned from it that you will (not) carry forward into your next relationship? How much achilcess to your financial information are you willing to give to your partner, if you maintain separate finances?

 

I'm for three checking accounts, his, hers, and the household account.

 

Take each total income, add it up, (the base) and then add up the total household expenses (mortgage, electric, cable, phones, gas, trash etc less obligatory expensese, {child support ~ alimony}

 

Divide by the base total income = a percentage. Usually works out to roughly a 40/60 split. (Women 40% - men 60%)

 

What's left is discretionary funds. She wants a new car? Can she afford a new car? Ditto for him?

 

This means women (who typically earn less than the DH) have more of their lesser income discretionary for their use.)

 

Child support should be either be spent on the children or saved for their education ~ unless absolutely needed for day-to-day necessities.

 

Just my two cents?

[Lauriebell82]

In a previous relationship we handled finances fairly well, and I intend on handling it the same way when I (eventually) get married:

 

Both partners put a certain percentage of their income (probably a majority) into a joint account, while reserving a significant portion of their salary for their own separate, private accounts. The funds put into the joint checking would go towards joint bills and expenses (mortgage, utilities, car payments, etc.), and the funds put into the joint savings would go towards joint goals (vacations, savings for specific things).

 

This would allow each partner to keep their own money to play with (or spend on the other - gifts, treating to dinner, etc.) as they see fit, without any oversight or meddling by the other. So long as each puts in his/her appropriate share into the joint account, that's all either would need to know.

 

Also, the amounts put into the joint account would be a certain percentage of each partner's salary. That way neither would be penalized for making more than the other, and each would still be motivated to earn a good salary because they would still stand to benefit from the increase, but so would the marriage.

 

Hmm, pretty good idea SG! I agree with the idea that each partner should have a seperate account for some of "their money." That way you can buy yourself something extra without having to run it by your spouse.

[Shygirl15]

My wife and I have separate accounts and we both pay $x on the mortgage. I take care of all the bills except groceries. Works for us.

I like this. I think the one who earns more should take care of the majority of bills.

 

Excellent points everyone, thanks.

[Star Gazer]

Hmm, pretty good idea SG! I agree with the idea that each partner should have a seperate account for some of "their money." That way you can buy yourself something extra without having to run it by your spouse.

 

Thanks. It worked out really well with my live-in ex. I recently suggested this for my BFF and her H (they previously kept everything separate), and they're trying it out and liking the results.

 

I think it makes it much more like a unified partnership. Definitely a team, but allowing each other to have their own things.

 

I thought about this last night, when BF wanted to show me his new purchase: a ridiculously unnecessary gun. A gun! He doesn't hunt, he's not violent, he lives in one of the safest parts of California. I just don't get it. But the men in his family love their guns - historic/antiques and old.

 

I thought to myself - for a split second - "Oh, hell no... He would not be spending money on that gun if we were married!" (Not that I'm thinking marriage, I was just agast that anyone would spend good money on a gun that they will NEVER use for any purpose.)

 

And then I caught myself. Oh, yes he would... because it would still be "his" money he'd be using (assuming we follow my pattern).

 

He can do whatever he wants with his (less hookers and drugs) and I can too.

 

I mean, otherwise I really couldn't justify $400 shoes.

[Shygirl15]

I mean, otherwise I really couldn't justify $400 shoes.

Mmh.. unless it's a pair of boots, that's definitely unjustifiable lol

[Shygirl15]

I'm curious too - I married a guy who I thought was financially well off only to find that he asked me for my savings for his share of the wedding expenses as well.

The financially well off are usually the stingy ones.

[Kasan]

We have and have always had joint accounts.

 

We discuss every major purchase and after all this time, there isn't much we don't agree on.

 

We have short term and long term goals that we plan for the year, usually in January. It helps us channel our money and prepare for the unexpected.

 

We knew last year that we wanted to replace all the windows in the house.............put the order in three weeks ago.

[Aloros]

We have our own separate accounts, and we each contribute the same amount to a joint account every month. We pay our mortgage and bills from the joint account, and the leftover is our joint savings.

 

We make about the same amount of money, and we don't hide how much we have in our individual accounts. It's more for gift-buying and saving for little splurges.

 

We have a 'what's mine is yours' mentality, and we fortunately have the same ideals when it comes to saving and spending, so it works out very smoothly.

[Trialbyfire]

Disclaimer: Generalized statements to follow, reliant on jurisdiction.

 

Any income earned during the course of the marriage, except in special circumstances, become joint property, regardless of how many accounts you open and in who's name.

 

Conceptually, if you're bringing in money/assets into the marriage and want to consider it separate, there can be no comingling, in any way.

 

As for how we handled our finances while married, both of us kept our individual assets separate without any co-mingling. Income earned during the course of the marriage was also kept in separate accounts, whereby we each paid 50% of the bills. Any material purchases such as our home, we both injected 50% of the cost.

 

This was worthwhile to do so, since we never once argued about finances and were generous with each other over gifting, etc. Neither one resented or tried to control any purchases made by the other person.

 

The separation of original assets made it easy when the divorce rolled around. We then split our joint assets. We both had access to funds to accommodate for any legal costs generated by the separation and the divorce. It worked like a charm!

[Star Gazer]

Disclaimer: Generalized statements to follow, reliant on jurisdiction.

 

Any income earned during the course of the marriage, except in special circumstances, become joint property, regardless of how many accounts you open and in who's name.

 

Conceptually, if you're bringing in money/assets into the marriage and want to consider it separate, there can be no comingling, in any way.

 

Yeah, this is totally not the case in California.

[Trialbyfire]

Yeah, this is totally not the case in California.

Now you've got me curious. How does it work in Cali?

[Touche]

Joint accounts for 29 years. We check with each other on major purchases. I do keep some MDK (mama don't know) money. Which is funny when you think about it. Because she knows. So I can take her out or buy her something without her knowing. I guess I always looked at it that when it says, the two shall be one. It meant in everything. My wife and I look for things and ways that actually draw us closer together and make the ties deeper. JMHO

 

Yep. That's about how it is with us.

 

But most couples DO have different spending styles. It's nearly impossible to find partners with exactly the same spending style, and if they exist, I'm sure one of them adjusted to the other's way of spending money.

 

My personal opinion is, if my partner wants to blow up their money on something unuseful, that's their business. As long as he meets his part of the deal, all the bills have been paid, and what he blows up is his money.

 

I think keeping finances separate saves a lot of unnecessary arguments which can lead into much deeper problems. It is said that more couples break up over money than other causes like infidelity, but I do not think many people give it as much weight as they should, before entering lifetime commitments.

 

Our spending habits/goals are the same. They always were. But you're right, you don't see it too often.

 

We have and have always had joint accounts.

 

We discuss every major purchase and after all this time, there isn't much we don't agree on.

 

We have short term and long term goals that we plan for the year, usually in January. It helps us channel our money and prepare for the unexpected.

 

We knew last year that we wanted to replace all the windows in the house.............put the order in three weeks ago.

 

That is exactly what we do. Very, very rarely are we not on the same page when it comes to financial matters.

[Star Gazer]

Now you've got me curious. How does it work in Cali?

 

Generally speaking, certain forms of income earned during the course of the marriage is joint property, UNLESS (here's the key distinction) the spouses agree otherwise, and this doesn't have to be by way or prenup or anything else in writing. It would be sufficient to show that over ten years, this is what the spouses did... parol evidence of the agreement.

 

Looking at my example above, if spouses AGREE that the only joint property is to be that certain percentage of salary which is put into a joint account each month, THAT's what's considered joint, the rest would be considered separate. So you could have commingled funds, and still retain separate property rights to that which is kept separate.

 

Also, if I were to marry my BF, any increase in value in his separate property (home value, IRA accounts, etc.) is technically "income earned during the marriage," but it's not joint. In other words, "income earned during the marriage" that stems from separate property that doesn't require community effort to maintain is still kept separate - even if that separate property is used to buy something that both spouses use (a couch, for example). Personal injury awards are not joint. Gifts, inheritances - not joint.

 

So to say that "if you're bringing in money/assets into the marriage and want to consider it separate, there can be no comingling, in any way" - that's not really true.

 

There are far too many variables to give a detailed treatise here on community property.

[Trialbyfire]

Generally speaking, certain forms of income earned during the course of the marriage is joint property, UNLESS (here's the key distinction) the spouses agree otherwise, and this doesn't have to be by way or prenup or anything else in writing. It would be sufficient to show that over ten years, this is what the spouses did... parol evidence of the agreement.

 

Looking at my example above, if spouses AGREE that the only joint property is to be that certain percentage of salary which is put into a joint account each month, THAT's what's considered joint, the rest would be considered separate. So you could have commingled funds, and still retain separate property rights to that which is kept separate.

 

Also, if I were to marry my BF, any increase in value in his separate property (home value, IRA accounts, etc.) is technically "income earned during the marriage," but it's not joint. In other words, "income earned during the marriage" that stems from separate property that doesn't require community effort to maintain is still kept separate - even if that separate property is used to buy something that both spouses use (a couch, for example). Personal injury awards are not joint. Gifts, inheritances - not joint.

 

So to say that "if you're bringing in money/assets into the marriage and want to consider it separate, there can be no comingling, in any way" - that's not really true.

 

There are far too many variables to give a detailed treatise here on community property.

Understood. A very clear picture of Californian marital law. Something for residents of Cali to consider.