Author Toodle Posted February 22, 2009 Author Share Posted February 22, 2009 Hi tkgirl Yeah I'm learning that! I guess I feel like that "weird annoying ex" that won't go away right now, plus the lack of contact when there was a good reason to contact has finally driven home that she's gone, and isn't even still here as a "good" friend. Lesson to everyone - don't break NC for any reason other than what is absolutely necessary! My dreams last night were unreal, and I woke up in a sweat several times. Gonna go over to my parents for lunch and some affection today. At least my messages were neutral Link to post Share on other sites
tkgirl Posted February 22, 2009 Share Posted February 22, 2009 sounds like your getting it! Like I said, it's really about YOU now... the relationship with her did not work, and it's over... so now it's time to be thinking about YOU and what YOU want... and what kind of relationship YOU do want for YOUrself.. one that will work for YOU... YOU get my point, right? Things will get better, I promise! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Toodle Posted February 22, 2009 Author Share Posted February 22, 2009 Had a great day with my parents. Still feeling hurt over the snub by both my ex and her friend, but it's slowly being replaced by anger, which can't be a bad thing. It's helping me put up some distance. Link to post Share on other sites
tkgirl Posted February 22, 2009 Share Posted February 22, 2009 yep... let that anger empower you... you should be angry! she didn't do right by you and you deserve better... and don't you forget it! hang in there! oh, and notice I didn't caps "you" this time! I could have but I think you got it.. that right now... IT'S ALL ABOUT YOOOOOU!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Toodle Posted February 23, 2009 Author Share Posted February 23, 2009 Well, I feel a sense of control back. I caught a glimpse of her on my way to the station - having not had a response to my text all weekend. About 10mns later, after getting the feeling that she had noticed me but was avoiding me, I got a reply "Hiya, thought awards were good. Well done you by the way!" which I assume was sent out of guilt. Anyway, not that I care - I feel like I can go back comfortably into NC knowing that at least I got a response, for whatever reason. Gonna disappear for a while and make damn sure I don't take the train at the same time as her. We don't have anything to talk about now that we've returned bits and pieces and the ceremony has passed. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Toodle Posted February 23, 2009 Author Share Posted February 23, 2009 PS: should I reply at all, even if just with a "Thanks!" in a few days if I want to keep a door open? Link to post Share on other sites
Chrome Barracuda Posted February 23, 2009 Share Posted February 23, 2009 Y do you even care? Your staying stuck in a dead end one sided relationship that isnt goin nowhere and will not go anywhere. What are you getting outta this. You gotta stay focused on your future and yours alone. Stop contacting her. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Toodle Posted February 23, 2009 Author Share Posted February 23, 2009 Yes. This is going nowhere. I only contacted once, but that was once too many. I'm actually getting to the point where I can even be bothered ot deal with this crap, mind games, what does she mean blah blah blah. Link to post Share on other sites
Geishawhelk Posted February 23, 2009 Share Posted February 23, 2009 Something here isn't right. Look - I hate to have to spell this out to you, but: You don't have a sense of control back. You have a sense of satisfaction and validation because she did what you were hoping she would do - which was to contact you and congratulate you on your nomination. (But you have to admit, Sean Penn did have that edge on you..... ) You're mistaking it for control because you think you have the upper hand, but actually, it's just your ego feeling petted..... 'A sense of control' would have been you giving a total rat's behind as to whether she contacted you about this, or not. "She hasn't contacted me" - but you know what, I really don't give a sheit. "She has contacted me" - but you know what, I really don't give a sheit. It bugged you. It upset you. It actually hurt you a bit. But You've broken up. She doesn't owe you anything, and you shouldn't be expecting anything. You're supposed to be on No Contact, remember? You should actually have felt more pleased that she hadn't contaced you, and more disappointed that she now has. because she's still yanking your chain. And you're a bit like Churchill... The nodding dog.....? Oh no, no, no, no, no..... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Toodle Posted February 23, 2009 Author Share Posted February 23, 2009 Right as always. And to be cynical, she probably did it for the same reason she came up to me at the station the other day - because she thought I might have seen her and couldn't handle the fact that I didn't come over to talk to her. Her way of saying hey don;t forget me, let me push your buttons... I think I'm really getting to the point where I'm genuinly ready to start fixing myself without any hope or desire of her in my life. I spoke to my mum about my ex-gf's text "we'll probably meet up for a cofee", and how the probably says it all. It was just a test, a way to say "i'm still here and don't you forget it". She clearly hasn't suggested to my mum when to meet. Actions speak louder than words, and so far she's just been a load of hot wind. And edited to add - I will not be responding. I have deleted her text, and her number from my phone. Link to post Share on other sites
Geishawhelk Posted February 23, 2009 Share Posted February 23, 2009 I'm on O2 - I can block incoming from selected contacts. Can you? If not, do the usual. the moment you get incoming - hit delete. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Toodle Posted February 23, 2009 Author Share Posted February 23, 2009 I'm on O2 as well - I might be able to - do I do that by calling them or can I do it from my phone or online account? I'm assuming that by doing that, I might unleash a wall of fury? Just so I know what I'm getting myself into. Link to post Share on other sites
Geishawhelk Posted February 23, 2009 Share Posted February 23, 2009 I don't think you have PM facility, so I can't take you through it step by step.... I did it myself on my 'phone..... I have a samsung G600..... Link to post Share on other sites
Geishawhelk Posted February 23, 2009 Share Posted February 23, 2009 The people don't know you've blocked them. You never get any text, although to them, it looks sent, and any phone calls go straight to VoiceMail, but nothing records. They think they're leaving a message, but they're not. Best thing also is - you have no notification that they have tried to contact you. So you can go about your life blissfully unaware of whether they've even tried or not. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Toodle Posted February 23, 2009 Author Share Posted February 23, 2009 Sounds perfect. I'll dig out my phone manual and see whether it has that facility. It's one of those fancy nokias so should do. Thanks for the tip! Link to post Share on other sites
flash582 Posted February 23, 2009 Share Posted February 23, 2009 Toodle, I have one piece of advice for you at this point. Go out on a date with someone else. Tonight if possible. And keep on dating. Meet a lady for coffee, go to a bookstore with someone new. Make it public, and make it innocent ... nothing too serious. I know you don't feel like it, and you'll have to avoid talking about your relationship at all costs when on the date, even though you won't feel like talking about anything else. But two things will happen. 1.) Your mind will switch from ex-boyfriend mode whether you like it or not. There is something about the mind of a man that makes this work. I don't really understand all the underlaying principals. 2.) Your ex will come running back within a week or two. First be prepared for some nasty text/e-mails once she finds out, then she'll be probing to see if the door is still open. I would suggest no reply or extreme LC. She's feeling pretty high on herself right now and frankly, she's keeping you simmering in the background in case things don't work out in the big bad world so she can come back if she needs to. You need to shut the door hard, nicely, but hard. That will change the whole perception of you, change you into someone that is no longer a sure thing, but a challenge again, and she'll go into a different mode. She'll only come back if you become a challenge, my friend. People always want what they can't have. Stop being so EASY for her to get! You are NOT a doormat, nor is your only identity in life being her ex. She's pulling the strings and your jumping. All that is just testing the waters. Get out of the house. Go to a bar if you have to and be seen having conversations with other women, even if you are on just a friend level. Her imagination will do the rest. Come on Man ... you can do this. PULL yourself up by your bootstraps and get too it. Stop feeling sorry for yourself and get out there. Your heart will follow where your head leads. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Toodle Posted February 23, 2009 Author Share Posted February 23, 2009 Thanks Flash. I have actually been doing that a bit. Flirted with someone at the awards ceremoney and spent some time with a girl who is VERY touchy feely, so whether this got relayed back or not, given my ex was there... I did this specifically to boost my self-esteem and been seen as positive. I've also found that I can flirt and joke with barmaids again, which is always a nice and easy way to build up self-esteem. Been doing this last week as well and over the weekend. This week my plan is to start approaching and starting conversations with more women. I'm also planning on going to my local pub more often and getting to know a few women there, even if just platonic - for one simple reason - I see them in the street around my flat regularly! So it would give me a good reason to say hi to them in the street and be seen doing so. Link to post Share on other sites
tkgirl Posted February 23, 2009 Share Posted February 23, 2009 yahoo! you are really getting it now my friend! get out there, start dating again.. or just flirting a bit at first is good too... but start living YOUR life (there I go again!) and put her out of your mind.... the past is in the past. Right now it's all about you... I repeat... IT'S ALL ABOUT YOU!!! Link to post Share on other sites
flash582 Posted February 24, 2009 Share Posted February 24, 2009 yahoo! you are really getting it now my friend! get out there, start dating again.. or just flirting a bit at first is good too... but start living YOUR life (there I go again!) and put her out of your mind.... the past is in the past. Right now it's all about you... I repeat... IT'S ALL ABOUT YOU!!! Amen TKGirl! Toodle ..... remember this ... this is YOUR life, YOUR Universe. She just got to share it for a while. It's still all YOURS! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Toodle Posted February 24, 2009 Author Share Posted February 24, 2009 It's my journey - which I'm making exciting and will continue to do so. My father says "just do you own thing in life, make it exciting, interesting and fun for yourself. If they want to come for the ride, great, if they don't, their loss!" Link to post Share on other sites
Author Toodle Posted February 24, 2009 Author Share Posted February 24, 2009 It's occured to me that we had a plan to have kids this year. But she wanted ot be at least engaged by then. Might explain why she became more naggy over the past few months as our kids plan deadline came up. I was actually planning on proposing to her within the first 3 months of this year, but she broke up with me on the 8th of jan so I didn't think telling her that would make any difference. I think by then she probably just thought I was full of hot air. Next time round, I'll listen more carefully to what the woman is telling me! Link to post Share on other sites
Geishawhelk Posted February 24, 2009 Share Posted February 24, 2009 Providing you're both on the same page, it doesn't matter what she tells you. If you're at odds with anything, words and desires won't change anything. You have to desire the same thing, to "hear" it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Toodle Posted February 24, 2009 Author Share Posted February 24, 2009 Sorry, yes I meant "telling me" as in me "hearing it". Link to post Share on other sites
Author Toodle Posted February 25, 2009 Author Share Posted February 25, 2009 Feeling quite neutral today. Bit like I'm on a plateau. I'm going through a resentful stage I think - overanalysing the past 3 years, feeling a bit used, seeing her faults and where I let her "use" me. I can say for sure NC helps as I feel calmer for not interacting with her. I do miss her immensely though, and through the resentment I still feel forgiving towards her. I think I'm also genuinly starting to forgive myself. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Toodle Posted February 25, 2009 Author Share Posted February 25, 2009 I think the issue I'm really stuck on at the moment is our sexual activity - or lack of. We did drift into (argumentative) friendzone at the end. She would nag me about some issue (usually rightly), I would detach emotionally and not initiate sex. She would point outthat I never initiated sex and to be fair to her she did make an obvious effort to initiate, some times with me turning her down due to being depressed (but not telling her this). Butthen when her own sex drive would drop, she'd get insecure and says she hoped I wouldn't leave her due to the lack of sex. So I'd reassure but then feel insecure about initiating. And round and round. When we did have sex by the end, it was usually fumbling and "functional". So I can see why we ended up more like flatmates. I guess I'm still stuck on having a bit of hope, and due to the fact that I WILL see her again cos she lives so close, how I can demonstrate sexual interest, or even whether I should. I do feel much better and masculine from the gym, and my libido is back so maybe it will manifest anyway. Tough tough tough. I also feel stupid for letting it happen and guilty for making her feel I didn't fancy her, even if I reassured her I did. I guess it's just all unfortunate. Link to post Share on other sites
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