Author Toodle Posted February 25, 2009 Author Share Posted February 25, 2009 While I'm here I'm gonna keep braindumping. I also feel a bit panicky at having essentially pushed her away twice by saying I "might" see her at the ceremony, which I think was unecessary. Her silence afterwards made me feel I'd pushed too much, however her response to my text reassured me. It doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things - if she writes me off because a friend of hers said I was being a bastard and she is hurt, then she can't care that much anyway. Just feeling bad at being mean. As usual I didn't communicate well - I wanted to say - don't take me for granted, and to be honest I'm not sure I'm ready to handle it even though I do want to see you - instead I played a childish game. Learn from it, Toodle. Link to post Share on other sites
GorillaTheater Posted February 25, 2009 Share Posted February 25, 2009 Your last line says it all. Relationships-gone-bad are great learning experiences: you learn alot about yourself, both good and bad, and gain insight as to areas you need to work on for your own benefit. You also learn alot about your boundaries regarding relationships and where those boundaries need to be. The end result is that you'll be in a healthier, and sometimes much healthier, place when you begin your next relationship. You're doing fine. Well done. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Toodle Posted February 25, 2009 Author Share Posted February 25, 2009 I suppose I'm just very sad that I hadn't learnt all of this after the breakup of my second to last relationship as the problems were the same. And that try as I might even now after my ex broke up with me, I still seem to slip up and say stupid things. Bad day today Link to post Share on other sites
GorillaTheater Posted February 25, 2009 Share Posted February 25, 2009 Oh hell man, I'm 46 years old and have a pretty good grasp on my weak areas and what I need to continue to work on, and I still say alot of stupid things even though I well know the ol' "think first, then speak" thing. But hand-in-hand with self-improvement is self-forgiveness. Cut yourself some slack. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Toodle Posted February 25, 2009 Author Share Posted February 25, 2009 Thanks GorillaTheater, I appreciate you encouragement. I guess I can only control what I do, and I need to let myself off on this one. With perspective, it was nowhere near as bad as some of the things we said to each other near the end of our relationship so I doubt it made much difference! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Toodle Posted February 25, 2009 Author Share Posted February 25, 2009 Also, just noticed it's been exactely a month since the day she moved out, and a month and 3 weeks since we broke up. I put on my happy face and disappeared as much as possible during the last week or so that she was living with me and she would hug me etc. We had to see each other a couple of times since to return bits and pieces as detailed in this thread. It feels like so long already and I feel her slipping from my mind, and it scares me that the same is happening for her. Thing is, I don't know whether I should count the NC from the day we broke up or the day she moved out. 1 Month doesn;t feel as bad as nearly two months, for some reason! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Toodle Posted February 26, 2009 Author Share Posted February 26, 2009 Ha. Tip n-23243234 for not thinking about our ex. Get your company to put all staff into a consultation period. Focuses the mind...! Gah. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Toodle Posted February 27, 2009 Author Share Posted February 27, 2009 Not heard anything from her, but tbh since she works for the same company as me, we both have plenty on our plates already inregards potential redundancy. I did think of contacting her using this as an excuse, but thought better of it. Have thought a lot about her though since it affects us both and I know she'd be in big financial trouble if she lost her job (a lot more than me) but I tell myself it's not my problem, and I have my own situation to worry about right now. Link to post Share on other sites
Geishawhelk Posted February 27, 2009 Share Posted February 27, 2009 And there, my friend, you are exactly right. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Toodle Posted February 27, 2009 Author Share Posted February 27, 2009 And there, my friend, you are exactly right. I think I'm getting it It's just guilt and pride talking - will she think I'm nasty for not caring? Does she not care? But hey, we're both in the sh*tter and can't help each other anyway. She knows where to find me. Link to post Share on other sites
Geishawhelk Posted February 27, 2009 Share Posted February 27, 2009 As a couple, you live in a mutually profitable and advantageous situtation where you support and sustain each other and provide a stable foundation for one another upon which to thrive and prosper, in every way possible - emotionally, physically, practically, financially..... Right now - you two are living down the road from each other, and you're both experiencing a work challenge, under the same employer. That's it. You owe her nothing, and obviously, it cuts both ways. Is she nasty for not caring? Do you care? It works to and from. You should not expect anything from her, and similarly, she has no right expecting anything from you. It's the way the cookie crumbles. Finito. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Toodle Posted February 27, 2009 Author Share Posted February 27, 2009 "Is she nasty for not caring? Do you care?" Good questions. My answers (and I genuinly think these are how I feel) No, she isn't. She has her own problems to deal with. No, I don't care. The ONLY reason I am hoping to hear from her is to get my fix. I do miss her, and I probably do still love her, and I would probably entertain the thoughts of being together (right now, anyway), but right now I do not think contact is a good thing. My motives would be wrong, and so would hers. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Toodle Posted March 2, 2009 Author Share Posted March 2, 2009 Had a really good weekend, and can feel my confidence sparking back up properly. I can see why she left tbh - if I compare who I am now with who I was 6 months ago I can see the difference in "fun factor!" I also feel a sense of calm, and that I'm ready to forgive both of us. I watched the film Swingers last night and that may have helped me get to this point! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Toodle Posted March 2, 2009 Author Share Posted March 2, 2009 Quick question - I need to sell the bedframe that belongs to both of us, which is currently in my parent's garage. I know she doesn't want it, and neither do I. My mother suggested I send her a short email letting her know that I am planning on putting it up for sale on eBay, and thought it best to give her an opportunity to respond to this action since it's a shared possession. No mention of redundancy, no asking how she is etc. I was thinking of doing it this week as I'd like to get this out of the way since it's yet another excuse for her to get in touch, and I'd rather know she is getting in touch for no other reason than because she genuinly wants to. Is this advisable? Or do I go ahead and just sell the frame and then wire her the money with a note? Last time I saw her she mentioned in passing that we needed to sell the frame so in a way I don't need to send an email - I guess I'm just thinking about consideration here. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Toodle Posted March 10, 2009 Author Share Posted March 10, 2009 Latest - after just over two weeks of NC, she sent an email end of work play today. Having read these forums and with Geishawhelk's immense help I think I can read through it, but not sure how to react right now. Basically, asks how things are over in my division (which is essentially being shut down - i've been offered a job over in her building which is a worry in itself), and some waffle about how she hasn't set up a coffee date with my mum yet because she's ben feeling fragile lately. I'm not going to copy and paste it cos I don't even want to look at it right now - I have to write a proposal by end of the week arguying against the dissolution of my department so don't even want to deal with it tonight. My interpretation: Asks me how things are in my division to avoid asking me specifically how things are. Mentions not meeting my mum yet as fluff to pad the email out and effectively have a general excuse to email me so as to not appear curious. I figure this due to the fact that she has my mum's email and could have emailed her directly. Comment about being fragile is fishing for an ego boost or some kind of reaction on my part ie. oh dear how are you. Comments welcome. You'll love this bit of coincidence too - walking home, I pass a restaurant, glance through the window and see her and her parents sat there, her mum looking animated, her looking glum. They didn't see me. If she was made redundant and had to go back to her parents to live, it would effectively kill off her career. Funny how now I have something else to worry about up she pops like a jack-in-the-box. Fact remains that I don't want to burn my bridges fully but my stance at the moment is that my heart skipped a beat when i saw her name pop up in my inbox so i'm not emotionally quite there yet, and Ihave a 2 thousand word proposal to write so can't get dragged into this at least until the end of the week. Link to post Share on other sites
Geishawhelk Posted March 10, 2009 Share Posted March 10, 2009 Good thinking. hard as it may be, put her oput of your mind, and delete the e-mail. you can remember it, so you doin't need to hang onto it. Concentrate on your dissertation. Ask the company whether they've looked at the brioader long-term picture. The knee-jerk reaction is always to use the quick-fix solution, but as countless governments have shown, in times of recession, they don't learn. Which is why we repeatedly have recessions. The big thing is to not look at the mistakes of yesteryear and act on them to prevent a repeat performance. it doesn't work, hence repeat recessions.....! The thing to do is to look forward and think outside the box. maybe downsize several departments, instead of closing off one big one.... Reward the hard workers by getting rid of the hangers-on, as opposed to acting on the "last in, first out" old rule..... keep the precious staff handy. You'll need them when things pick up..... Does this help so far? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Toodle Posted March 10, 2009 Author Share Posted March 10, 2009 That's exactely what their initial proposal is a kne jerk reaction. At least I have been given an opportunity to put a case against - others haven't been so lucky! I do have a plan - what I do is very specialised and they don't understand it. I have plenty of room to scare the crap out of them Thanks for your suggestions! Link to post Share on other sites
Geishawhelk Posted March 10, 2009 Share Posted March 10, 2009 Don't go public with this, but PM me if you want and let me know what you do. My partner is a senior Law student and his dissertation (12k words) for his finals, is - banking. If I can offer anything else, I'd be glad to help. But not here, huh? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Toodle Posted March 11, 2009 Author Share Posted March 11, 2009 Haven't looked at the email today, but remembered reading her also saying that she needed time, and that her email wasn't meant to be as depressing as it sounds, whatever that means. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Toodle Posted March 12, 2009 Author Share Posted March 12, 2009 Keep thinking about it and feeling sick in my stomach a bit. I feel rude not replying, but wouldn't know how / what to reply. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Toodle Posted March 13, 2009 Author Share Posted March 13, 2009 Finished my proposal, so will reply to the email at some point today. Something along the lines of basic information about work and then tell her not to worry, that my mum will understand or something...light and breezy but not so reassuring that I'm being her emotional crutch. Link to post Share on other sites
paperchase Posted March 13, 2009 Share Posted March 13, 2009 I don't see the value in responding. There is nothing in that email which suggests she wants to reconcile. She's so preoccupied with herself that she's just getting around to sending you a little meaningless email and is too busy to reach out to your mom so she asks you to do it. You say you don't care if she writes back but I don't believe that. I've said that before and then found myself pining for a response. I wouldn't send anything. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Toodle Posted March 13, 2009 Author Share Posted March 13, 2009 Thanks for your post paperchase. I did have my suspicions. I spoke to my mum over lunch and her view was to just respond broadly with what was going on in my dept, and say I'd pass on the message. It does feel like a throwawy email though. What do you think her most likely response be to utter silence on my part? Link to post Share on other sites
paperchase Posted March 13, 2009 Share Posted March 13, 2009 Thanks for your post paperchase. I did have my suspicions. I spoke to my mum over lunch and her view was to just respond broadly with what was going on in my dept, and say I'd pass on the message. It does feel like a throwawy email though. What do you think her most likely response be to utter silence on my part? Don't bother updating her with your life. She doens't sincerely care anyway. Even if she did care, remaining a mystery is a good thing. If you say nothing she may do the same. If you do write back she still may say nothing. If she's the type that needs attention like my ex, by doing nothing you almost assure she will eventually contact you again. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Toodle Posted March 13, 2009 Author Share Posted March 13, 2009 Totally see what you're saying. I'd give someone else the same advice, so I think it's my instinct VS what I know is the right thing. I'll answer, but something short like "I'm well thanks. I understand your nervousness - we're in the same boat. I'll pass on the message." and go back to NC and forgetting about her. She was always very self-involved and this is all comfirming it. Link to post Share on other sites
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