jondoe2227 Posted January 27, 2009 Share Posted January 27, 2009 Hi Everyone, New to the forum - I have really been struggling to keep this bottled up inside and now need some support and advice. 2 weeks ago, I came across some suggestive text messages on my wifes mobile phone, and I have hit ground zero. We have had chats about this (reason for)and confronted her about it and she apologised, advising that it was only flirting and that it was nothing. I am not the jealous type, and have no issues with her communicating with male friends - only not in this way. She agreed to stop, although I anticipate this will be difficult. I am now really concerned that there is a private Text/email relationship ongoing and my fear is that this is going to lead to further things (physical encounter?) which will destroy our relationship - I cannot bear the thought of another man in her life. For all I know he may have already been in her life! There has recently been some suggestion of going to see old friends - I worry that this may be a rendevous - it really hurts me and I am torn up inside. The trust we had is gone. Naturally in light of uncertainty, a degree of this is paranoia, but something just does not feel right. We still have a happy relationship, kiss and hug although in the past couple of months she has been on anti-depressants. Now she is very tired all the time and she has been sleeping in the spare room for the last couple of months. The spark seems to have gone for us anyway! The reason for the anti-depressants was that I probably did not pay her the attention physically and emotionally over the past year which I truly regret. I have a well paid, good job which inevitably has led to a sway in the wrong direction for the work life balance. This was not intentional - I am the sole provider and I only wanted what was best for us - buying the nice things in life for my family - I did not see the signs. I can't believe that she would do this to me and I am devastated. I feel cheated, belittled demotivated and I have to bottle this up every day and face a stressful day at work. I am told it is over, but I am not so sure. We have 2 gorgeous kids, and this is all being put in jeopardy for the sake of a fantasy fling. I don't know the name of the other guy, and I am sure that it is fun crossing the line without a marriage to lose, but he has so at the expense of our relationship. What about his girlfriend and kids - they will surely be hurt also? I have never been unfaithful to my wife in 8 years, love her to bits physically, sexually and emotionally - she is my soul mate. I have immediately initiated changes - work life balance sorted, spending more time with her and spoiling her, helping with jobs and on an hourly basis telling her what she means to me. I have dropped notes with memories and explained my feelings, though she tends to bottle up. I am doing everything I can, but I feel I am being given lip service thanks. I don't know whereto go from here - I am heartbroken, and for the sake of some text/chatroom flirting on lust, my family will be broken up. I cannot take it anymore, and we will have to part company - this kills me for my 2 kids - 3 and 5 yrs old. Sorry for pouring my heart out, but I don't know where to go with this. Please can you advise??? Link to post Share on other sites
hunkahunkaburninlove Posted January 27, 2009 Share Posted January 27, 2009 Your are the sole provider. The first thing you need to do is close any joint accounts you have. You have to show her what breaking your trust costs her. You can give her an allowance. You need to get voice activated recorders for you home and your car. And have the phone tapped. You will also need a keylogger for the computer. You need to come down on this behavior like a ton of bricks. I would also order semen test kits if you think she has already slept with him. The closed accounts will allow you the freedom to hire PI as well. Link to post Share on other sites
hunkahunkaburninlove Posted January 27, 2009 Share Posted January 27, 2009 You must not show weakness. Don't be angry and don't cry around her. You are in control. She has to prove that she is worth trusting. You should also go to MC. There are a number of things you can do. If the man is married you can call his wife. She will be your ally, and can control him from her side. Link to post Share on other sites
AlektraClementine Posted January 27, 2009 Share Posted January 27, 2009 Your are the sole provider. The first thing you need to do is close any joint accounts you have. You have to show her what breaking your trust costs her. You can give her an allowance. You need to get voice activated recorders for you home and your car. And have the phone tapped. You will also need a keylogger for the computer. You need to come down on this behavior like a ton of bricks. I would also order semen test kits if you think she has already slept with him. The closed accounts will allow you the freedom to hire PI as well. Yeah. That'll work. Link to post Share on other sites
Bryanp Posted January 27, 2009 Share Posted January 27, 2009 If the roles were reversed, do you honestly think that your wife would put up with such disrespect and hurtful behavior from you being involved with another woman? No consequences to her actions equals no motivation to change. I wish you luck. Link to post Share on other sites
ejc Posted January 27, 2009 Share Posted January 27, 2009 Ok, let me make sure I understand .... all you know for sure is that there were some texts, right? She apologized and said it wouldn't happen again. If you've forgiven her (or said you'd forgive her) then give her that second chance. You've gone from finding texts to the end of your marriage in one post. Take a deep breath, set up an appointment for therapy, and decide what you want and/or need. Your are the sole provider. The first thing you need to do is close any joint accounts you have. You have to show her what breaking your trust costs her. You can give her an allowance. You need to get voice activated recorders for you home and your car. And have the phone tapped. You will also need a keylogger for the computer. You need to come down on this behavior like a ton of bricks. I would also order semen test kits if you think she has already slept with him. The closed accounts will allow you the freedom to hire PI as well. Holy crap .... Link to post Share on other sites
You'reasian Posted January 27, 2009 Share Posted January 27, 2009 I have never been unfaithful to my wife in 8 years, love her to bits physically, sexually and emotionally - she is my soul mate. I have immediately initiated changes - work life balance sorted, spending more time with her and spoiling her, helping with jobs and on an hourly basis telling her what she means to me. I have dropped notes with memories and explained my feelings, though she tends to bottle up. I am doing everything I can, but I feel I am being given lip service thanks. Take a break from this woman and enjoy yourself for a bit. Link to post Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia Posted January 27, 2009 Share Posted January 27, 2009 last couple of months I would bet a large chunk of cash its been going on for at least that long, and you found the very tip of the iceberg. You will not get anywhere until you have a larger bit of the truth. Link to post Share on other sites
lkjh Posted January 27, 2009 Share Posted January 27, 2009 Your are the sole provider. The first thing you need to do is close any joint accounts you have. You have to show her what breaking your trust costs her. You can give her an allowance. You need to get voice activated recorders for you home and your car. And have the phone tapped. You will also need a keylogger for the computer. You need to come down on this behavior like a ton of bricks. I would also order semen test kits if you think she has already slept with him. The closed accounts will allow you the freedom to hire PI as well. Agreed!!!! If you play the nice guy role she will walk all over you. Nip this in the butt while it is young. Do not let it grow(which it may have already). Demand she be completely honest with you which includes the OM name and number. Link to post Share on other sites
lkjh Posted January 27, 2009 Share Posted January 27, 2009 ejc, his wife is cheating, Your advice would be great if they were just having a down point in their marraige. Lack of actions will just allow this to grow. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jondoe2227 Posted January 27, 2009 Author Share Posted January 27, 2009 Thanks guys - I would rather not go the snooping route, especially not phone taps. I am hoping that she will realise what she is doing is not right. I did some investigation into surveillance online that she knows about - I did not go through with it but the fact I looked upset her - I left the trails on the browser to make her think twice. If there was nothing to hide, she would have nothing to be afraid of! I would rather adopt a mutual trust - difficult I know under the circumstances and I am think I am rollerskating uphill. Asked her to go to counselling with me, and this was rejected. Have considered confiding in one of her friends or family, but I don't want to set the heres running. I don't know what to do. Link to post Share on other sites
hunkahunkaburninlove Posted January 27, 2009 Share Posted January 27, 2009 Well its your choice. You won't gather intelligence, and yet you show her that you are by letting her see the history. She won't go to counseling. So basically you've just told her she needs to be more secretive to get what she wants. You have actually added to her excitement of cheating. You say you fear your family is breaking up. But you don't want to go the snooping route? All you've done is shown her that you don't trust her and that she (now) doesn't trust you???????????? Link to post Share on other sites
ejc Posted January 27, 2009 Share Posted January 27, 2009 ejc, his wife is cheating, Your advice would be great if they were just having a down point in their marraige. Lack of actions will just allow this to grow. He found a suggestive text . . . that she apologized for and said was only flirting . . . and promised never to do it again. If it ends there, it's not really the end of the world that it could be . . . Perhaps him finding the text was the wake-up call she needs to realize what a great relationship/family she has and will recommit to their lives . . . that outcome is at least as likely as progressing to a full affair and end of the marriage . . . Give your wife a chance to show you that she means her apology and will honor her promises. Link to post Share on other sites
Lucky_One Posted January 27, 2009 Share Posted January 27, 2009 Dude, I would bet serious money that there is a lot more going on here than just what you found. Why is she sleeping in the guest room? Why has she rejected counselling? Why the suggestion to go visit old friends? You need to find out what is happening. Keylogger on the computer for sure. It is so easy to hide your tracks on a computer, but not with a keylogger there. Link to post Share on other sites
lkjh Posted January 27, 2009 Share Posted January 27, 2009 He found a suggestive text . . . that she apologized for and said was only flirting . . . and promised never to do it again. If it ends there, it's not really the end of the world that it could be . . . Perhaps him finding the text was the wake-up call she needs to realize what a great relationship/family she has and will recommit to their lives . . . that outcome is at least as likely as progressing to a full affair and end of the marriage . . . Give your wife a chance to show you that she means her apology and will honor her promises. At the very least she is emotionally cheating. Second this will not end here. People tend to compartmentalize these things, she will just get more sneaky about it. Go through and read hundreds of threads on here that are just like this. When the BS does nothing they never stop. They always go to the next step. Link to post Share on other sites
lkjh Posted January 27, 2009 Share Posted January 27, 2009 Dude, I would bet serious money that there is a lot more going on here than just what you found. Why is she sleeping in the guest room? Why has she rejected counselling? Why the suggestion to go visit old friends? You need to find out what is happening. Keylogger on the computer for sure. It is so easy to hide your tracks on a computer, but not with a keylogger there. Exactly, this is a lot more then some harmless texting. Even if it does stop you can not just turn your back on this. All you have done so far is give her a reason to go underground with this. Link to post Share on other sites
2sure Posted January 27, 2009 Share Posted January 27, 2009 I am amaxed at how the betrayed spouses, myself included, initially do basically nothing because they want to be polite, respectful and not seem paranoid or controlling. The fact is, you found evidence of betrayal and now feel insecure and not trusting. We shouldnt feel that our misgivings are wrong, we shouldnt feel as thought we are prying. Trust, the marriage, has been betrayed. Thre is NOTHING wrong with communicating this earned distrust to your spouse. She betrayed you, she has to help fix this. The trust built up throughout a marriage, then broken so thoughtlessly, is not rebuilt through anything as simple as an apology. Tell her you want her passwords, her cell phone records. Period. And no, until you feel like she is trustworthy, she isnt going on any social trips out of town. Link to post Share on other sites
lkjh Posted January 27, 2009 Share Posted January 27, 2009 I am amaxed at how the betrayed spouses, myself included, initially do basically nothing because they want to be polite, respectful and not seem paranoid or controlling. The fact is, you found evidence of betrayal and now feel insecure and not trusting. We shouldnt feel that our misgivings are wrong, we shouldnt feel as thought we are prying. Trust, the marriage, has been betrayed. Thre is NOTHING wrong with communicating this earned distrust to your spouse. She betrayed you, she has to help fix this. The trust built up throughout a marriage, then broken so thoughtlessly, is not rebuilt through anything as simple as an apology. Tell her you want her passwords, her cell phone records. Period. And no, until you feel like she is trustworthy, she isnt going on any social trips out of town. Very true!!! Link to post Share on other sites
wuggle Posted January 27, 2009 Share Posted January 27, 2009 It does sound to me from what you have said that she may have been having an affair for a while, even if you have only found flirtateous texts, some of the other behaviour does suggest an affair is in progress. This been said I wouldn't agree with several posters here who basically say leave her now. Firstly, you need to think what you want. If you still love her and want to make your marriage work it is often possible, with hard work. If you feel you really can't get over this then for the sake of your children try to split amicably, control any pain and anger and remember whilst splittingup that you did love her once. Secondly, you two really need to talk. IMO you should go out somewhere quiet where you know you will not be disturbed, tell her that you are reasonably sure she is having an affair, and ask her what she would like to do. She may deny this in which case you need to have her explain exactly what is going on. Sadly people having affairs are often excellent at lying and convincing you they are not, IMO go with your gut feeling, if you feel she is lying tell her. She may confess and say she wants to be with the other person, in which case you have little choice but to accept this, Or she may say she is bu wants to be with you. If the latter you Must get her to end all contact with the other person, then both go to MC which really can help. Remember if she is having an affair you can get over this if you both want to, but it nees hard work. Good luck, take care. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jondoe2227 Posted January 27, 2009 Author Share Posted January 27, 2009 Thanks for advice guys -some mixed views, but this is good to balance the thread. I know that it may not sit with some of you, but I want to give her a chance to put a stop to this - I will sustain my changes, so she should also. I still love her, irrespective of the hurt, though this is effectively the last chance lottery - if I get a slightest whiff of any further relations of this type then parting may be the only option. I really hope that it does not come to this, but it would hopefully give realisation of what she has thrown away for the sake of some inappropriate texting. A harsh reminder for anyone out there who has their work-life balance wrong Thanks again for the advice - great forum, and fingers crossed!! Link to post Share on other sites
reservoirdog1 Posted January 28, 2009 Share Posted January 28, 2009 JD -- keep one thing in mind. The only reason you know about this is because you caught her. Which means that she DIDN'T come clean due to her own honesty. Cheaters -- especially those who've been caught -- basically never give the betrayed the full story. There are many reasons for this, but it's almost dogmatic law. I'd bet you anything there's more to this than you know. Either it's been going on longer than you thought, or it's gone further than you thought, or there's been more than one OM... etc. The crucial point here is, she has betrayed your trust. She's done that by doing something in secret that she wouldn't do in front of you, with another man. That's the definition of betrayal in the relationship context. By all means, try to fix your marriage. Personally I wouldn't leave it to her to "put a stop" to it. But if you really want to know if she's doing just that... you must have a way to verify what she says. Put a keylogger on the computer (google it) so you can get her passwords and read her emails. Check her phone whenever you have a chance. Check her cell bills. Trust is earned. It's not given freely. Right now you have reasons to not trust her. And it's her job to earn that back. Make her earn it. Link to post Share on other sites
ejc Posted January 28, 2009 Share Posted January 28, 2009 At the very least she is emotionally cheating. Second this will not end here. People tend to compartmentalize these things, she will just get more sneaky about it. Go through and read hundreds of threads on here that are just like this. When the BS does nothing they never stop. They always go to the next step. So you don't believe that people ever change? That a person can't truly repent for their actions and work on earning trust back? No second chances in your world? Thanks for advice guys -some mixed views, but this is good to balance the thread. I know that it may not sit with some of you, but I want to give her a chance to put a stop to this - I will sustain my changes, so she should also. I still love her, irrespective of the hurt, though this is effectively the last chance lottery - if I get a slightest whiff of any further relations of this type then parting may be the only option. I really hope that it does not come to this, but it would hopefully give realisation of what she has thrown away for the sake of some inappropriate texting. A harsh reminder for anyone out there who has their work-life balance wrong Thanks again for the advice - great forum, and fingers crossed!! Good for you! I wish you all the best. My best friend's husband caught her sending flirty texts - and that WAS all it was - and getting caught was what saved them. She realized what she was risking, they went to therapy, they've recommitted . . . and she's been faithful ever since. Link to post Share on other sites
You'reasian Posted January 28, 2009 Share Posted January 28, 2009 I am amaxed at how the betrayed spouses, myself included, initially do basically nothing because they want to be polite, respectful and not seem paranoid or controlling. The fact is, you found evidence of betrayal and now feel insecure and not trusting. We shouldnt feel that our misgivings are wrong, we shouldnt feel as thought we are prying. . The most common objection you will get from this? 1. you don't TRUST me!!! 2. you are invading my privacy!!! Its a no-deal if done with permission or disclosure. Should you decide to go through with this covertly, find out your legal limits and if nothing comes of this, you owe her more trust. If you find material evidence of her cheating, its up to you to decide how you want to deal with it. Should you try to present her with the hard evidence you will get denial, trust argument again and the privacy thing again. Trust, the marriage, has been betrayed. Thre is NOTHING wrong with communicating this earned distrust to your spouse. She betrayed you, she has to help fix this. The trust built up throughout a marriage, then broken so thoughtlessly, is not rebuilt through anything as simple as an apology. Tell her you want her passwords, her cell phone records. Period. And no, until you feel like she is trustworthy, she isnt going on any social trips out of town. Best of luck to the OP. Hope you guys can work it out. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jondoe2227 Posted January 29, 2009 Author Share Posted January 29, 2009 We have had another chat and she said she would delete the details from her mobile and Facebook. I know that realistically, these things cannot be flicked off like a switch. I usually would have no problem with ongoing friendship contact, but fear that this may go full circle again. I will trust her, but I really hope that she does not get hooked back in, seeing sense. A choice needs to be made. Its either the undying love and support of a husband for his wife or him. She can't have it both ways. Really not sure what part the meds are playing:confused: - I just hope that she can get her head straight with what she wants. This may have started as a bit of harmless fun and excitement, but if it was to carry on it will only end badly. I hope that things can be different and we can rebuild now she is getting more love, support and attention. This has been really a worrying experience for me. For all I know, this guy could have been stringing several people along at the same time- maybe he gets a thrill from it? It must be nice to be in a position where when the novelty wears off, you can pull the ripcord. Sadly, the knock on is inevitably more depression for those left in the wake with regretful memories of a genuine loving relationship destroyed. I really hope that she keeps on the right path or there will be no future for us. Fingers crossed. Link to post Share on other sites
pparrott Posted January 29, 2009 Share Posted January 29, 2009 Why is it that the person in the relationship that is doing the "texting" to the opposite sex is CONVINCED beyond a shadow of a doubt that it is nothing more than FRIENDSHIP & heaven forbid it will NEVER lead to anything else? Are these people brain dead!!!????? My husband texts other women......he would like for me to believe very much that it is only that. Friends chatting thru the day. He doesn't believe me that it can lead to other things. And, YES, he would be less than thrilled if I did it. This all began during our separation - but we are trying to work things out. Texting....just like chatting online - is addictive. And I for one, am not sure how much of it i'd put up with if we did get back together......... Link to post Share on other sites
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