Success Story

[Lizzie60]

I do not believe that once a cheater always a cheater. That I know for sure.

 

How do you know that for sure... No one (unless you're God) knows that.

 

 

 

 

Should I be direct?

 

Your opinion comes from the perspective of someone incapable of longterm monogamy and that's truly sad.

 

I fear for your future husbands and their emotional well-being after you key into their disinterest with you. Good looks only last so long. What will you have after you burn everything that ever meant more than just hot sex?

 

Hum... Talking to me?

 

If so.. then here's my take....

 

I was in 2 monogamous common-law long-term relationships (I was faithful.. so of course, I can only speak for my side).. (the only ones I had)...

Don't fear for my future husbands.. there won't be any future husbands.

 

I know good looks only last for so long.. but I have to say that I am blessed.. At 56.. I can still have almost any younger guys I want... and I mainly have those kinds of 'dates/flings'.

 

But I also know that when I'll get older.. these things won't probably matter to me anymore.. I will want my own 'peaceful' environment and I will probably lose my libido.. like most old women.. .. so I won't miss sex anymore.. I will only be left with amazing 'souvenirs' and my freedom to do whatever I want with my time and money (travelling, shopping, etc.)

 

Who said we need a man, in our old days, to be happy.

[TrustInYourself]

 

Hum... Talking to me?

 

If so.. then here's my take....

 

I was in 2 monogamous common-law long-term relationships (I was faithful.. so of course, I can only speak for my side).. (the only ones I had)...

Don't fear for my future husbands.. there won't be any future husbands.

 

I know good looks only last for so long.. but I have to say that I am blessed.. At 56.. I can still have almost any younger guys I want... and I mainly have those kinds of 'dates/flings'.

 

But I also know that when I'll get older.. these things won't probably matter to me anymore.. I will want my own 'peaceful' environment and I will probably lose my libido.. like most old women.. .. so I won't miss sex anymore.. I will only be left with amazing 'souvenirs' and my freedom to do whatever I want with my time and money (travelling, shopping, etc.)

 

Who said we need a man, in our old days, to be happy.

 

Well said, kudos to you.

[peteyj]

Listen... My wife was not getting attention from me. I just cared about myself and what I wanted. Last I checked, marriage is about compromise and being there for your spouse. Well, I was not there for her emotionally and it was always my way or the highway.

 

Can I blame her for cheating? Nope. Not one bit. Why? Cause I kept pushing her away. Everytime she tried to get close, I would run into my "man cave" and tell her to "f off".

 

Just because you are married, it does not give you the right to be an ahole to your spouse. This is where I failed my marriage.

 

Another guy came along and said things she loved and needed to hear. So while I was being negative towards her, another guy was being extremely positive. Which would you go with? Say the negative way and I know you are lying.

Marriage is about compromise and it is a two way street. But it's obvious you can't accept the fact that your wife had an affair. If the both of you really wanted it to work then you would have gone to counseling and talked things over and worked things out in the long run. The fact that she ran into the bed of another man over and over says a lot about her and how you can't accept that fact says a lot about you.

 

Like I said I wish you the best, but it's obvious you've become the doormat and who is to say one day similar issues don't come up again where she thinks you're not spending enough time with her or you're not treating her the way you should. Marriage is never easy and relationships aren't just a fun happy two way street all the time. Most people have lives of their own to live. SOmetimes people get busy. Sometimes people have bad days. You shouldn't be an a-hole all the time, but they shouldn't be running to some other persons bed either. Your story sounds just like any other guys story who can't accept the fact that his wife had an affair. You can use whatever excuse you want in the book but the fact is she still cheated over and over again for who knows how long. You just assume it was only with this other guy.

 

 

Your story sounds familiar and I hope it ends differently. But most stories like yours end up the guy being the doormat treating the woman like a queen and doing everything they can to save the marriage while the woman loves it for awhile but then when things get back to normal either you remain the doormat who has no backbone or they go off and cheat again. It's all a control issue. It is funny though. She's the one who cheated and yet you still can't accept that fact. Hey good for you two that you both are trying to work it out. But from your posts it just seems like you are taking all the blame and when your wife cheats she did nothing wrong...Yeah I'm sure you'll make up other excuses if she does the same thing again.

 

Normal good people end relationships when things aren't working. They don't go run off and bang somebody else the first chance they get. And then continue to sleep with this other person or multiple other persons. So if she left you just to leave you cause you were an a-hole, then I'd say your story makes sense. The fact she left you to be with somebody else says a lot about what kind of person she is and thats a person who doesn't take her vows or her marriage very seriously. And no matter what you say or do isn't going to change that fact. End of story.

[TrustInYourself]

Marriage is about compromise and it is a two way street. But it's obvious you can't accept the fact that your wife had an affair. If the both of you really wanted it to work then you would have gone to counseling and talked things over and worked things out in the long run. The fact that she ran into the bed of another man over and over says a lot about her and how you can't accept that fact says a lot about you.

 

Like I said I wish you the best, but it's obvious you've become the doormat and who is to say one day similar issues don't come up again where she thinks you're not spending enough time with her or you're not treating her the way you should. Marriage is never easy and relationships aren't just a fun happy two way street all the time. Most people have lives of their own to live. SOmetimes people get busy. Sometimes people have bad days. You shouldn't be an a-hole all the time, but they shouldn't be running to some other persons bed either. Your story sounds just like any other guys story who can't accept the fact that his wife had an affair. You can use whatever excuse you want in the book but the fact is she still cheated over and over again for who knows how long. You just assume it was only with this other guy.

 

 

Your story sounds familiar and I hope it ends differently. But most stories like yours end up the guy being the doormat treating the woman like a queen and doing everything they can to save the marriage while the woman loves it for awhile but then when things get back to normal either you remain the doormat who has no backbone or they go off and cheat again. It's all a control issue. It is funny though. She's the one who cheated and yet you still can't accept that fact. Hey good for you two that you both are trying to work it out. But from your posts it just seems like you are taking all the blame and when your wife cheats she did nothing wrong...Yeah I'm sure you'll make up other excuses if she does the same thing again.

 

Normal good people end relationships when things aren't working. They don't go run off and bang somebody else the first chance they get. And then continue to sleep with this other person or multiple other persons. So if she left you just to leave you cause you were an a-hole, then I'd say your story makes sense. The fact she left you to be with somebody else says a lot about what kind of person she is and thats a person who doesn't take her vows or her marriage very seriously. And no matter what you say or do isn't going to change that fact. End of story.

 

Why go to counseling or any of that subjective normal people stuff, when you lack the ability to love in the first place.

 

What is your definition of love? Running when the sht hits the fan? Sounds like you got burned and you ran for the hills. Thats cool. But dont advise everyone to follow your advice just because you have your own jaded personal perspective on affairs. There are tons of people who are married, go through an affair, and come out stronger. People make mistakes. Why burn the woman you love because she made a mistake? Oh, thats right, because you refuse to be a doormat. Real show of understanding there!

[peteyj]

I can accept the reality of marriages becoming stale. I can accept the realities of people getting angry with one another. Heck I can accept the realities of somebody being angry enough and having a one night stand. Mistakes in life do happen. But a person who leaves you to have an affair with somebody else isn't a mistake. They made that choice over and over again. I don't think you can accept that fact. A one night stand could be called a mistake. An affair that went on for who knows how long means they knew what they were doing and kept doing it over and over again.

 

It is obvious you can't accept the truth. Your wife left you for another man. The only reason she came back was either because this other guy wasn't what she thought and/or because you've become a guy with no backbone who would jump off a bridge if she asked you to at this point. That's not compromise. That's not love. That's just another guy who has no backbone and is completely controlled by a woman.

 

Good luck and I hope it does work out for you. But your story is nothing new. Many guys have done the same thing as you over and over again. The wife cheats and they blame themselves. The wife comes back because maybe the grass wasn't greener on the other side.

 

Love doesn't mean you bow down and kiss your wifes toes every time she asks because she's the one who cheated. Love doesn't mean you blame yourself 100 percent because she cheated. Love doesn't mean it's her way or the highway. And if you were nothing more than an a-hole who couldn't stand your wife all these years, why the hell would she want to get back with you? The fact she left you to have an affair sort of says she wasn't all that much in love with you in the first place.

 

One night stands might be a mistake. Long lasting affairs aren't mistakes. The person knew what they were doing and continued to do it over and over again. The only mistake is that the other person might not be who they thought after awhile. Or maybe she couldn't control that guy the way she controls you now. And like I said, if you were such an a-hole and a guy who couldn't stand his wife and pushed her away all these years, then I'm sorry but a few words and weeks doesn't suddenly change somebody. If she couldn't stand you enough and given a chance, she was the one who ran and have an affair, why would she want to come back to you?

 

At this point the only love in your relationship seems to be you are afraid of losing her and she likes you now cause she can control you.

Other than that what love do you share? If you're an a-hole and have been an a-hole for years, you aren't going to suddenly become a different person overnight. The world doesn't work that way. And if she couldn't stand you for years, she isn't suddenly going to actually like you.

 

Right now maybe both of you are afraid of losing one another or maybe she's sad that the other guy wasn't what she thought and maybe you're afraid you can't get any body better. Who knows. But just like anything you'll be exactly where you are now in due time. If you've been an a-hole most of your life as you claim, a few words and thoughts aren't going to change that fact. And if she can't stand you as a husband, a few kind words arne't going to change that fact.

 

And it's funny how you think I run for the hills. Yeah maybe you should re-read your own story. It seems your wife was the one who ran for the hills the first chance she got as soon as some other guy spoke kind words into her ear. And she had an affair with the guy, not a one night stand. What is your definition of love? Is it that when your wife gets the chance, she can run into the arms of another guy cause you said an unkind word or two?

 

Marriage is about compromise. But it seems you think marriage is more about letting your wife do whatever the hell she wants while you close your eyes and pretend like nothing is wrong.

 

I have a simple question... If you start acting line an a-hole again(which if you've been one your whole marriage it's not hard to imagine you might be that same person again) and your wife goes and has another affair, what are you going to tell yourself then? At that point in time the reality is if you are that bad of a husband, why the hell would your wife have any desire to get back with somebody like you? If you were that bad of a husband all these years like you claim to have been, the only reason your wife came back was because the other guy wasn't what she expected...

 

If you were that bad of a husband and that much of an a-hole, the first question I'd be asking myself is why the hell did she come back to me? It wouldn't be love at this point because who the hell would love somebody like that? That ship probably sailed a long time ago. And a few kind words and a few days where everything is nice doesn't change who people really are. A success story would be you being a good person and a good husband for a few years. It would be your wife not cheating for years. At this point your story is nothing but talk. Maybe things will change. But like I said if you were that bad of a husband as you claim all these years, just telling yourself things will be different doesn't actually mean a damn thing. Actions speak louder than words. And actions over years speak louder than a few nice moments over a week.

[Trimmer]

I do not believe that once a cheater always a cheater. That I know for sure.

 

How do you know that for sure... No one (unless you're God) knows that.

Heh heh, can I quote that back to you the next time you claim that you know for sure that all men would cheat if given the opportunity?

 

To the OP:

You know, in the case of affairs, half the posters will tell you unequivocally to dump the b***h, because once it's broken you will never get it back, and the other half will tell you that, while her cheating is not your fault, you still need to examine what your contributions to the state of the marriage were.

 

I'm somewhere in the middle. I haven't looked at the website you suggested, as it's way too late for me, so I won't proclaim an opinion about that. All I can think of is that while it's great that you examined your part in the marriage and made corrections where you felt they were needed, I have to ask, did she do the same thing? Did she really undergo a thorough self-examination and commit to making changes in herself to remedy the deficit that allowed her to betray you and your marriage as she did, or was she off the hook with some tears and the assumption that "you" caused it by being distant, etc...

 

So really, there are two issues: remedy the marriage (and hey, maybe that's mostly on you), but also I think it's important to recognize that the betrayal is it's own pathology that needs to be directly and assertively addressed, and that shouldn't be swept under the rug just because of a pre-existing imbalance in the marriage dynamic.

[TrustInYourself]

I can accept the reality of marriages becoming stale. I can accept the realities of people getting angry with one another. Heck I can accept the realities of somebody being angry enough and having a one night stand. Mistakes in life do happen. But a person who leaves you to have an affair with somebody else isn't a mistake. They made that choice over and over again. I don't think you can accept that fact. A one night stand could be called a mistake. An affair that went on for who knows how long means they knew what they were doing and kept doing it over and over again.

 

It is obvious you can't accept the truth. Your wife left you for another man. The only reason she came back was either because this other guy wasn't what she thought and/or because you've become a guy with no backbone who would jump off a bridge if she asked you to at this point. That's not compromise. That's not love. That's just another guy who has no backbone and is completely controlled by a woman.

 

Good luck and I hope it does work out for you. But your story is nothing new. Many guys have done the same thing as you over and over again. The wife cheats and they blame themselves. The wife comes back because maybe the grass wasn't greener on the other side.

 

Love doesn't mean you bow down and kiss your wifes toes every time she asks because she's the one who cheated. Love doesn't mean you blame yourself 100 percent because she cheated. Love doesn't mean it's her way or the highway. And if you were nothing more than an a-hole who couldn't stand your wife all these years, why the hell would she want to get back with you? The fact she left you to have an affair sort of says she wasn't all that much in love with you in the first place.

 

One night stands might be a mistake. Long lasting affairs aren't mistakes. The person knew what they were doing and continued to do it over and over again. The only mistake is that the other person might not be who they thought after awhile. Or maybe she couldn't control that guy the way she controls you now. And like I said, if you were such an a-hole and a guy who couldn't stand his wife and pushed her away all these years, then I'm sorry but a few words and weeks doesn't suddenly change somebody. If she couldn't stand you enough and given a chance, she was the one who ran and have an affair, why would she want to come back to you?

 

At this point the only love in your relationship seems to be you are afraid of losing her and she likes you now cause she can control you.

Other than that what love do you share? If you're an a-hole and have been an a-hole for years, you aren't going to suddenly become a different person overnight. The world doesn't work that way. And if she couldn't stand you for years, she isn't suddenly going to actually like you.

 

Right now maybe both of you are afraid of losing one another or maybe she's sad that the other guy wasn't what she thought and maybe you're afraid you can't get any body better. Who knows. But just like anything you'll be exactly where you are now in due time. If you've been an a-hole most of your life as you claim, a few words and thoughts aren't going to change that fact. And if she can't stand you as a husband, a few kind words arne't going to change that fact.

 

And it's funny how you think I run for the hills. Yeah maybe you should re-read your own story. It seems your wife was the one who ran for the hills the first chance she got as soon as some other guy spoke kind words into her ear. And she had an affair with the guy, not a one night stand. What is your definition of love? Is it that when your wife gets the chance, she can run into the arms of another guy cause you said an unkind word or two?

 

Marriage is about compromise. But it seems you think marriage is more about letting your wife do whatever the hell she wants while you close your eyes and pretend like nothing is wrong.

 

I have a simple question... If you start acting line an a-hole again(which if you've been one your whole marriage it's not hard to imagine you might be that same person again) and your wife goes and has another affair, what are you going to tell yourself then? At that point in time the reality is if you are that bad of a husband, why the hell would your wife have any desire to get back with somebody like you? If you were that bad of a husband all these years like you claim to have been, the only reason your wife came back was because the other guy wasn't what she expected...

 

If you were that bad of a husband and that much of an a-hole, the first question I'd be asking myself is why the hell did she come back to me? It wouldn't be love at this point because who the hell would love somebody like that? That ship probably sailed a long time ago. And a few kind words and a few days where everything is nice doesn't change who people really are. A success story would be you being a good person and a good husband for a few years. It would be your wife not cheating for years. At this point your story is nothing but talk. Maybe things will change. But like I said if you were that bad of a husband as you claim all these years, just telling yourself things will be different doesn't actually mean a damn thing. Actions speak louder than words. And actions over years speak louder than a few nice moments over a week.

 

My wife never met another man. She moved out due to my gaming addiction, my flirting with other women, my emotional distance, and my inability to communicate effectively.

 

But yeah, it was over for a time. She was finding other men attractive. I was on the edge. My marriage and my family were practically over.

 

I took a few actions to change the problems, because I realized my part in the end. She took another look at me and realized she loved me.

 

I did not beg. My exact words to her were, "I will be happy with you or without you, but I know I love you and always will."

 

I guess that would be me being a doormat. I could have moved on, I had plenty of women interested in me. Vice versa. My wife is an attractive woman.

 

I guess for some time, my wife decided that marriage was worthless if you are not happy. She wasn't happy and I accepted that and worked with it, because I love her. That's not being a doormat. That's being a good husband.

 

So yeah, you are right. But in a sense you are also wrong. Your argument is strong and well thought, but it's still an argument. Can you accept others opinions or is that impossible?