Socks Posted January 22, 2009 Posted January 22, 2009 Hi. Me and my girlfriend have been together about.. 1.5 months. She lives about 2 hours travel away. In these 1.5 months we've both had allot of fun.. everything went really fast and felt really good. I really fell like a block for her. Some of my closer friends even said they could tell we really fit well together. I thought so too... turns out it wasn't that easy. My girlfriend texted me 2 days ago with that she still had feelings for her ex. she used the sentence "like I'll always belong to him" afterwards however she explained it was more of feeling then a fact. This was for me completely out of the blue and i was completely shocked. We talked allot and we decided she'd talk to some people who are important to her. And the next day she calls me and tells me that she doesn't want anyone right now. After absorbing the information and after a while accepting the situation. I'm left with.. what the f*ck should i do? (sorry for harsh language.. pretty emotional you know). the situation is now like this. She loves me.. but she also loves him. We haven't known each other that long.. but we clicked immediately and never had any big problems. She's had a relationship with her ex for about 3 years. after that she got another guy. she cheated on him with her ex. She was honest about it though to him.. and told him about it and she decided to break up with him. And she was deeply ashamed of herself. About 3 months later i come along and we start up. pretty fast. She is now stuck between if she wants me.. or him. Now I'm pretty upset about the whole situation.. i still love her but.... the position I'm in.. i honestly hate it. I basically have to wait for when she decides to go for him or me. And my logic says... she can't be the girl for me if she does this to me... but despite that i still love her... I've gathered up some information about her ex. As far as i can tell he's a bit of a... doosh. He's apperently ignored her allot during the last parts of the relationship.. he was a pot addict.. and despite her wishes he wouldn't stop. And my looks are also better(she told me herself and her friends did too). He took off with his friends allot instead of her. They had allot of fights. And she doesn't have a bad word to say about me... her friends are extremely honest( brutally honest).. and they also say she doesn't. And now I'm left with this feeling like she has to decide between a loser and me? And now i feel like she won't be making this decision any time soon... i do still want to be with her. But i know i can't wait for ever. And she hurt me pretty badly with her actions. She also knows that i won't wait forever... And I'm also a bit lost in what how i act against her. My feelings say just be friendly normal as you would be... just don't get to affectionate. But my friends told me to take some distance. I was always one to believe that i should do what my feelings tell me to do. but on this one I'm not so sure. And if i do stay close to her and she decides to.. blow me off completely I'd be really hurt. But if i stay far away... I'll know I'll get paranoid and think of allot of scenario's that scare me... I'm probably going to see her this weekend. to talk face to face. All in all i feel like... she was being honest.. saying how she feels... i can appreciate that.. I've never been upset about that fact.. But where i am right now.. I just... i don't know what to do... It feels like she's got a leash on my neck keeping me in place with hope of love... and i really hope she gives that. But... i also feel like i might end this myself.. to save me the pain of her doing it.. but i feel that is a wrong reason... Please give me some help. (btw I'm 19 she's 18.. both pretty young )
Author Socks Posted January 22, 2009 Author Posted January 22, 2009 Help me out guys. I would really appreciate it. The more i think about this situation the more it stresses me out! I've talked to some friends.. but I'd enjoy some objective advice.. and perhaps the advice of some more experienced people.
RRyan65 Posted January 22, 2009 Posted January 22, 2009 I tried man, I tried. But I just couldn't get past the first two paragraphs because that is exactly where your problem lies. Everything else is irrelevant. You guys moved too fast... Actually, YOU moved to fast. After only 1.5 months, you shall consider no one your g/f. Giving her all of your time and energy that early is the single most important factor as to why her emotions went back to her ex. Had you taken it extra slow and light, you would've allowed her to meld into you, instead of yanking her away from her past. You should've placed yourself in a position where she could've possibly still be going between you and her ex. And you should've been okay with it too. Not to say that several months down the road seeing her ex would be ok. Not at all. Just during the casual dating phase, which you gave no time to happen. I'll tell you something else; at 1.5 months, she's not totally over her ex and since you have shown her all you are and have kept hardly any mystery from her, she's already been able to accurately compare this new relationship with a relationship that has so much more history and emotion behind it (that of her ex), so when her ex comes around with some sweet talk, it means alot more to her (since he is still fresh in her mind) than what she sees in you. She's seen all of you, and it ain't that great (at least from the standpoint that you two have no history)
RRyan65 Posted January 22, 2009 Posted January 22, 2009 I caved and read some more.... The fact that SHE cheated on him further validates the reason why she wants back in with the ex. What you know about her previous relationship holds no water in analyzing what went wrong between you two. All relationships have problems. To her, his douchy behavior in the last couple of months, does not erase the long history and good times they had together. And again, once she realizes that she had better times with him, than she's having right now AND the fact that she officially called it off because she cheated, sends her running back into his arms IF he accepts her (and he shouldn't, but thats another story) But, its not to say that things couldn't have worked between the two of you. You just moved too fast. Had you put off the "I love you's" and other **** for 6 months or so, she would've had ample time to be entertained with you, while forgetting her ex. Plus, during those six months you would've found out if she was still messing with her ex behind your back. And if she was, you would've invested nothing but time. At the end of six months or so, you shouldve then opened up a little more emotionally, and things wouldve gone a whole lot smoother.
Author Socks Posted January 22, 2009 Author Posted January 22, 2009 Hi, thanks for your reply! Yeah i acknowledge that i moved fast... but she did too. She told me really fast that she had some really strong emotions for me and even told me she loved me. And also i don't live in America.. relationships go a bit different here. After a while we decided we would be together and be girlfriend and boyfriend. But i can see what you said... and i do feel it holds a certain truth to it. But what shall i do then?
Author Socks Posted January 22, 2009 Author Posted January 22, 2009 You think what we have is lost? I don't feel that way at the moment... or maybe i don't want to believe it. I don't know... it's hard to see when your in the middle of it.
RRyan65 Posted January 22, 2009 Posted January 22, 2009 You guys seem to cheat and smoke like Americans. What's your background?
RRyan65 Posted January 22, 2009 Posted January 22, 2009 You think what we have is lost? I don't feel that way at the moment... or maybe i don't want to believe it. I don't know... it's hard to see when your in the middle of it. Here's a rule thats universal, no matter what part of the world (unless you're part of a culture where women have no say so): You cannot raise a women's interest by rationalizing with them. You cannot call them and say "why did you leave?" or "I can do this or that to make it better for us!" or any of that ****. Once you've reached that point, its over. Now, that isnt to say that there isn't hope for the two of you. It does say that you have to stand back because there is ABSOLUTELY no magic words or gifts (unless you strike it rich) that will bring her back. Just actions. And right now, the only action you can do is to forget her. This has a two-fold purpose: You get over her and move on (most important factor); and it also shows her that you are independent and do not NEED her (this is what would bring her back). I'm telling you man, there is no other way. NONE NONE NONE. There is no talk or questioning that you can do, except to wish her the best and move on.
Author Socks Posted January 22, 2009 Author Posted January 22, 2009 You guys seem to cheat and smoke like Americans. What's your background? I'm dutch pot is pretty big here and myea.. about cheating i dunno
Author Socks Posted January 22, 2009 Author Posted January 22, 2009 Mhhh... I'll really think about it. But i think it's wise to at least talk to her face to face before i really decide what I'm going to do. At least thanks for your help. If anyone has any other input please say. I'd appreciate any advice tips or even simulair experiences. But what you said Ryan about going too fast... I completely agree with you on that now. i think that was the biggest mistake.. at least a valuable lesson for the future. And what about perhaps a friendship? At this moment it feels like either we get back together or we won't see each other again. And that would be a bit silly.. i mean we've gotten along really well and obviously fit well together.. but i think it would also be hard.. especially if she gets back with her ex. I think time will tell this one
RRyan65 Posted January 22, 2009 Posted January 22, 2009 You must not be too familiar with break-up dynamics. It is perfectly natural for you to feel like not giving up hope on this girl you really care for. I have no intention on believing I can persuade you away from these feelings. Just telling it like it is. When you say it feels like you either get back together or don't see eachother at all, that is exactly what happens in these on-the-wire situations. Friendship is an option that happens ONLY when BOTH of you move on. A "freindship" with the purpose of trying to keep the other person in your life to see if they might come around and be back in a relationship, only leads to prolonged suffering. Usually it's the guy who gets hurt the worst in these "friendships" because if a guy is hung up on an ex who is now a "friend", he won't be able to see other women because it requires a whole lot more work for men to meet new women than it does for your ex to meet other guys. So if you want a friendship right away, get ready to take a couple of emotional punches to the stomach, friend
Author Socks Posted January 22, 2009 Author Posted January 22, 2009 hehe, before i decide on a friendship I'll let some time pass... and i also need to see how this will end up. And you are right.. i haven't got much experience with break up dynamics. Usually i do the breaking up and before i do i give it allot of thought... but even so I haven't had many girlfriends. I'm pretty green you could say
Author Socks Posted January 22, 2009 Author Posted January 22, 2009 I'm going to speak with her this weekend.. I'll see what comes out of that. But i think it's wise to create some distance. Any other tips/help/whatever from anyone else? Any input is much appreciated!
Author Socks Posted January 22, 2009 Author Posted January 22, 2009 And I'd really appreciate a woman who could tell me whats what.
Author Socks Posted January 23, 2009 Author Posted January 23, 2009 I'd still really appreciate the input of a girl/woman. And also can anyone tell me if it really is a good idea to be a bit.. distant and perhaps a bit cold. My friends all say it's a good idea but I'm not entirely sure. I'm a bit worried of doing the wrong thing. The theory me and my friends thought of was this. Create distance.. let her experience missing me and at the same time give her room to think. And of course she'll be depraved of attention which she loves to have. And once she can't handle this distance she'll come back. Atleast thats the plan. But my worries are that she might think i don't care about her anymore and decide to just leave me for good. But if i stay too.. clingy.. it also might start to annoy and look pathetic. But i know we could keep talking for hours if given the chance... I'm really just a bit... worried I'm doing the wrong thing by creating distance.. it would seem a bit logical just to be nice.. that would be my first thought... but i can understand what my friends told me and they even said that it has worked for them in the past. advice please
You'reasian Posted January 23, 2009 Posted January 23, 2009 And now i feel like she won't be making this decision any time soon... i do still want to be with her. But i know i can't wait for ever. And she hurt me pretty badly with her actions. She also knows that i won't wait forever... And I'm also a bit lost in what how i act against her. My feelings say just be friendly normal as you would be... just don't get to affectionate. But my friends told me to take some distance. I was always one to believe that i should do what my feelings tell me to do. but on this one I'm not so sure. And if i do stay close to her and she decides to.. blow me off completely I'd be really hurt. But if i stay far away... I'll know I'll get paranoid and think of allot of scenario's that scare me... I'm probably going to see her this weekend. to talk face to face. All in all i feel like... she was being honest.. saying how she feels... i can appreciate that.. I've never been upset about that fact.. But where i am right now.. I just... i don't know what to do... It feels like she's got a leash on my neck keeping me in place with hope of love... and i really hope she gives that. But... i also feel like i might end this myself.. to save me the pain of her doing it.. but i feel that is a wrong reason... Please give me some help. (btw I'm 19 she's 18.. both pretty young ) Give her some space and do your own thing. Set her free and get back to doing the things you do.
Author Socks Posted January 23, 2009 Author Posted January 23, 2009 Give her some space and do your own thing. Set her free and get back to doing the things you do. but how should i react if she contacts me? Wich she does and i think will keep doing..
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