serialgf Posted January 21, 2009 Posted January 21, 2009 hi all so i've been dating my current bf for four months, he's 36 i'm 28 here's the immediate problem: every morning when i wake up my bf wakes up for a little bit and talks to me before i go to work, since he always gets to sleep in because he works nights at a restaurant. when i woke up this morning, i was feeling crappy b/c things are stressful at work right now and i don't have a car so i was trying to find a ride and i have cramps (sorry TMI i know but its pertinent to the problem)... my bf asked me to scratch his back and instead of doing it like i normally would i said, "no. i want you to rub my back because it hurts." he said no and i got winey about it and then he said to me, "i hate your winey voice." this got me really upset - it felt like a total insult to my personality - like, if you hate my voice then why are you even with me? it ended up making the morning not so pleasant and i asked him why he was being so mean to me, which ended up pissing him off more and he said he just wants me to deal with my own problems and to just leave him alone. this in turn made me feel like he was turning his back on me when i need emotional support because that's literally what he did so now i don't know whether he was just cranky or whether our relationship is doomed. we're both having problems with money right now and i just got back from a two week trip to mexico and before i left we had gotten in the worst fight we've ever been in and for the two following mornings he was cranky and mean just like this morning... so part of me feels like its just that the honey moon super nice to you all the time period is coming to an end. or maybe to him saying he hates my winey voice isn't such a big deal. i plan to talk to him about it when i get home from work, but not in an angry or naggy way. rather, i plan to first apologize for being all winey, and also to ask him if he can say something a little less harsh like, "stop whining" or "you're whining honey - not cool" but i felt like i couldn't get anywhere with reasoning this morning your input is greatly appreciated!! thanks! generally our relationship has been really great, though we both have some issues/baggage that gets in the way sometimes. he's tra
carhill Posted January 21, 2009 Posted January 21, 2009 Just so I'm clear, your guy works late (I'll assume midnight here, since it's a restaurant), gets up early to spend some time with you before you go to work and isn't particularly enamored with your mood this morning and says he hates your whiny voice. Try this....when you wake up, and realize the value of him cutting into his sleep time to be with you in the morning, give him a little hand and lip service to start off his day with a smile. Get back to us with the results. Men like to feel valued. I'll assume you weren't working while having a great time in Mexico and BF was continuing to keep the home fires burning, literally. Think about that Just so you know, it isn't about your voice. It never is. Hope you find out what the real issue is. Hope he's mature enough to be honest with you.
Author serialgf Posted January 21, 2009 Author Posted January 21, 2009 yes carhill your last comment is exactly what i'm thinking and what has me worried... i did question him about it and he said, "i just want you to be able to handle your own problems" my gut tells me that the issue is that he's afraid of me needing him or something like that because he's traumatized from his past relationship. last night we were having a drunken conversation about it and he admitted that he is petrified into falling into his past pattern of being codependent. i am not a co-dependent person by any means but i would hope that my guy would be able to put up with a little whining and rub my back when it hurts, geez! it made me feel really crappy that when i'm down is when he's turning his back on me.... which in turn makes me upset and keeps the whole cycle going i don't know i just feel like i'm never allowed to be in a bad mood or anything other than my chipper self... i've felt like this before in relationships... what's that about? what can i do to get things back to pleasant? thanks for the advice?
norajane Posted January 21, 2009 Posted January 21, 2009 I think it would be impossible to find anyone, man or woman, who LIKES anyone's whiny voice or whining. It sounds like you two need to work on communicating more effectively, without whining. And it sounds like your bf might also need a vacation.
Author serialgf Posted January 21, 2009 Author Posted January 21, 2009 oh and by the way i am usually all about the hand and lip service... but he isn't always... he has intimacy issues from a previous fiasco of a relationship ugh this all feels so difficult right now
Author serialgf Posted January 21, 2009 Author Posted January 21, 2009 I think it would be impossible to find anyone, man or woman, who LIKES anyone's whiny voice or whining. It sounds like you two need to work on communicating more effectively, without whining. And it sounds like your bf might also need a vacation. yes of course you're right... i guess what hurt me was the way he says it... saying he HATES something about me just makes me feel crappy... i would much rather if he told me to stop whining. this is what i plan on telling him this evening yes i do realize i shouldn't whine, but i was feeling really crappy this morning.. i mean am i NEVER allowed to whine? i don't get that mentality... and for the record, he does plenty of moping himself and i usually rub his shoulders or something of the like... i guess what bothered him was just the way in which i was expressing my discomfort and i can respect/understand that... hey thanks you got me thinking of this in a positive way (my reasonableness is something he really likes me and says makes it possible for him to be in a relationship with me, which is something he says he wouldn't really be able to do with anyone else right now... so maybe that's another sign i should chill on the super emotionalness... but its hard you know?) so now the question is, how do i keep from whining when im feeling like crap when i wake up? and yes he needs a vacation bad... and by the way my trip to mexico was a research field trip with a university course so not exactly a vacation... fun yes but i had a pretty packed schedule the whole time
carhill Posted January 21, 2009 Posted January 21, 2009 Bad moods are fine. We all have them. The key is understanding that, when you partner empathizes with that bad mood and supports you, value is created. I literally say the words "I'm not angry at you but am just pissed off in general right now" so my wife hopefully won't take my moods personally. The same with the reverse. IME, it's key to get it out, deal with it, then move on. Harboring resentment is a relationship-killer. I harbored plenty ( and see some of the signs in your BF) and it killed my love for my wife. I wouldn't want you to end up there so early in a relationship, if you're otherwise compatible. Try my suggestion once a week for a month and see what the results are.
Author serialgf Posted January 21, 2009 Author Posted January 21, 2009 carhill thanks yes i think you're spot on.... i just don't want my bf to resent me and i feel like he's doing that and that's something i don't do at all... so what can i do to coax him to get it all out when he just wants me to leave him alone? another contributing factor i think is that he's been getting pretty drunk at night and i feel like that makes him cranky in the morning... and the weather... so many factors and about your suggestion - what exactly is it? to be sweet to him in the morning? because i do that pretty much every morning - today was certainly an exception... we usually just talk about our day and listen to npr and laugh and joke around... that's a typical morning... or i just get up and change while he watches ... i don't usually wake up complaining... its just that my life is usually pretty peachy and right now i'm going through a rough patch thanks!
carhill Posted January 21, 2009 Posted January 21, 2009 I'll just say that a man's testosterone levels rise early in the morning, a.k.a. the "morning woody effect". Give him a NSA orgasm when he's feeling randy and he won't be grousing about your whiny voice or anything else for that matter. Watch for him to value that by giving you a little cuddle time or a back rub for those cramps. This is the back and forth of a relationship. He could just snore right on through your wakeup, like my wife does; if she got up with me, even occasionally, during our marriage and made me breakfast before I headed out to the shop, I'd have been a lot more earnestly loving than I was. It's the little things with a man; the simple things. Remember that and you're gold
ruggy Posted January 21, 2009 Posted January 21, 2009 Simple. Stop whining. Or, when you hear your voice octaves change, adjust them before he notices. Usually, women are faster thinkers in general than men.
Star Gazer Posted January 21, 2009 Posted January 21, 2009 i got winey about it and then he said to me, "i hate your winey voice." You're overreacting. He doesn't hate your voice. He hates when you whine. It would be no different if you had said: "I started to yell about it and then he said to me, "I hate when you yell." Chill... and stop whining. Be an adult when you're communicating with him.
Author serialgf Posted January 21, 2009 Author Posted January 21, 2009 ruggy and stargazer: thanks for the blunt advice... i think my bf would agree with you guys... i get caught up on things like this and i have to learn how to just let it go... you're right... i need to stop being whiney... i'm not whiney a lot... i'm usually really funny and light-humored, but sometimes i feel like everything's wrong and i feel like its my bf's role to be there for me and like i can be as whiney as i please.... ugh this is the first guy i've ever dated who calls me on all my sh*t... damn self-improvement is painful ... but the consequences are delightful but i still feel like he's being resentful or unneccessarily mean? does anyone feel me on that? thanks again i appreciate anyone else's input here too
Author serialgf Posted January 23, 2009 Author Posted January 23, 2009 just to close this thread and its helpful to anyone.... i went home after getting everyone's advice and apologized for having annoyed him. he apologized for being mean and said he felt bad about it all day. so we forgave each other and i suggested that saying something like, "stop whining" could be just as effective without being as hurtful. the past two mornings have been normal and lovely as ever... case closed thanks for the advice!
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