steveraves Posted January 22, 2009 Posted January 22, 2009 You've been dating a week or so. So you may be in lust but not love. If sex is a priority for you, and not for her you might want to consider moving on before you get to invested.
mr.dream merchant Posted January 22, 2009 Posted January 22, 2009 She better get crackin on that hand job or somethin!
Author kashmir Posted January 22, 2009 Author Posted January 22, 2009 I didn't dump her, but I didn't commit to anything. I pretty much said this - I like you and I like making out with you, but not having ANY kind of sex (that includes oral or even handjobs) is asking too much of me. Making out just doesn't cut it as it turns me on even more...especially when she's freakin grinding on my groin. She mentioned how her past boyfriends didn't mind and how they had very high sex drives before they met her. I said that's fine but just because a few guys went with it doesn't mean I will. She said that they had "other ways" around not having sex. I asked her what she meant and she was being vague. I don't know. It could all be a test or I could be with a girl who genuinely won't even touch my penis. I pretty much left it at, "we'll see where this goes." I'm probably going to keep seeing her, because I DO enjoy my time with her...I just think I would enjoy my time more with girs who will will have sex. I don't see this lasting long, though. I don't know...I guess this is the first girl that has ever really been interested in me enough to kiss me more than once, and I feel like if I cut things off I'll go back to being lonely with every girl I meet feeling indifferent towards me.
Trimmer Posted January 22, 2009 Posted January 22, 2009 She mentioned how her past boyfriends didn't mind and how they had very high sex drives before they met her. "Didn't mind?" I don't find this very credible, unless she was slipping saltpeter or rat poison or something into their food... How old is she? I'm assuming not very old, if she's around your age. How much experience with other boyfriends does she actually have? If it's only one or two, then you have to question how broadly she can state that "other boys don't mind" as she doesn't have a very big sample upon which to base her observations. If it's a lot, then at her young age, you can infer that nobody has been willing to stick around for long, which kind of negates her point that "they don't mind..." I don't know. It could all be a test or I could be with a girl who genuinely won't even touch my penis. I pretty much left it at, "we'll see where this goes." I'm probably going to keep seeing her, because I DO enjoy my time with her...I just think I would enjoy my time more with girs who will will have sex. Well, take it for what it is, have fun with her if it is fun, but then don't fool yourself that she might eventually give in, get strung along, jump through hoops for her, and be her little puppy. If you find this relationship fulfilling in your life then more power to you. But if you decide to move on, just tell her that you're not ready to discuss marriage at this point in your life. Because that's what this does: it makes dating about marriage. I'm not asserting that there's anything "wrong" with her choice to do that, but it's important that you know that's her framework, and if it doesn't work for you, you owe it to yourself to move on. ...if I cut things off I'll go back to being lonely with every girl I meet feeling indifferent towards me. Probably not a good thing when a primary reason to stay in a relationship (especially one that you find unfulfilling in a significant way) - is to avoid being "out of a relationship." If that's the biggest advantage of being with her, that's pretty empty, isn't it?
Mahatma Posted January 22, 2009 Posted January 22, 2009 That is what my GF said when we first met (same reason). 3 months later we were having sex. If you think she is ignorant enough to just rule out the idea of sex before marriage, drop her. If not, stick around. To me it is no different than any other characteristic you look for in a person you wish to date.
mr.dream merchant Posted January 22, 2009 Posted January 22, 2009 It sounds like she's testing you. A person who doesn't want to have sex wouldn't go to such lengths to turn their partner on. Grinding on your groin? Okay you need to tell her to stop being in denial and just let what she wants to happen. Damn, those are the worst kind of girls to even get involved with. The ones who know they want it, but wanna run you through all kinds of obstacles for it. Be straight up with her. Tell her to stop sending you home with blue balls every time you guys meet up if she doesn't want to have sex. In other words, stop being such a c*#k tease. Or get a mature chick.
Author kashmir Posted January 22, 2009 Author Posted January 22, 2009 One thing I could have done better is call her out on getting so physically and then dropping the no sex bomb. I'll have to confront her about that, because hell, her pumping her upper-leg into my dick while making out was pretty erotic and suggestive.
mr.dream merchant Posted January 22, 2009 Posted January 22, 2009 One thing I could have done better is call her out on getting so physically and then dropping the no sex bomb. I'll have to confront her about that, because hell, her pumping her upper-leg into my dick while making out was pretty erotic and suggestive. Just tell her next time she gives you blue balls you're going to stain her clothes on the spot. She'll stop.
Surfer Dude Posted January 22, 2009 Posted January 22, 2009 "RichGuyl, I want to marry as a virgin for religious reasons, so you can only go in my butt, okay?" :) I always crack up when I hear women say this. Just because they didn't have a vaginal intercourse, but did give blowjobs and did anal they somehow think they're virgins. It's completely ridiculous and a totally backward mentality. Oral and anal is still sex, I really don't know what those women are thinking. I didn't dump her, but I didn't commit to anything. I pretty much said this - I like you and I like making out with you, but not having ANY kind of sex (that includes oral or even handjobs) is asking too much of me. Making out just doesn't cut it as it turns me on even more...especially when she's freakin grinding on my groin. She mentioned how her past boyfriends didn't mind and how they had very high sex drives before they met her. I said that's fine but just because a few guys went with it doesn't mean I will. She said that they had "other ways" around not having sex. I asked her what she meant and she was being vague. I don't know. It could all be a test or I could be with a girl who genuinely won't even touch my penis. I pretty much left it at, "we'll see where this goes." I'm probably going to keep seeing her, because I DO enjoy my time with her...I just think I would enjoy my time more with girs who will will have sex. I don't see this lasting long, though. I don't know...I guess this is the first girl that has ever really been interested in me enough to kiss me more than once, and I feel like if I cut things off I'll go back to being lonely with every girl I meet feeling indifferent towards me. Good work on not downplaying and submitting your sexuality. In situations like this, women often say all sorts of moral BS (for no reason really) but that's just because they aren't excited, attracted and turned on enough. If you work on creating sexual attraction, I'm sure you could get her to give it up. However, if that doesn't work, I suggest you move your focus elsewhere. Women who don't allow themselves to be physical are "broken". There are so many great ladies out there who are totally in tune with their needs and sexuality, there is no reason whatsoever to waste your time on someone like this.
Green Posted January 22, 2009 Posted January 22, 2009 One thing I could have done better is call her out on getting so physically and then dropping the no sex bomb. I'll have to confront her about that, because hell, her pumping her upper-leg into my dick while making out was pretty erotic and suggestive. Seriously dude you're not going to be able to argue your way into her pants or guilt her into it. First off you've been looking for a girl to connect with for a long time and you've found it congrats. Second off I've been where you are a girl who says no sex before mariage, and I said the same thing you did "I've had sex before and I believe in sex before mariage" and I never stopped believing in sex before mariage... and you want to know what happened... well we never got married... but we did have sex. First off at a minumum always kindly say that you believe in sex without mariage when she says what she does... next off relize you can't talk her into sex stuff... you have to get her hott and then when your making out and she's horny... then you push the boundaries... see how naked she'll get, see if she'll atleast put her hand down there... or even better try to put ur hand down by hers and finger her. If worst comes to worst and you think this is going no where its alot easier to get a new gf while you currently have one. Seriously the line that got me to have sex with a virgin was can I just rub my by your... and then she let me and then I was just like this is stupid let me just put it in a little more. GL don't break up with this girl till you have another one lined up. and when ever she brings up other guys and how they didn't have a problem just say your not them... don't be afraid of embaressing yourself no one will hold your sexuality against you and if they do then F them
Isolde Posted January 22, 2009 Posted January 22, 2009 If you work on creating sexual attraction, I'm sure you could get her to give it up. However, if that doesn't work, I suggest you move your focus elsewhere. Women who don't allow themselves to be physical are "broken". . This is bad advice. Sure, the girl may have misled Kashmir while they were making out, but she was upfront about where she is not willing to go and he needs to respect that. Having boundaries does not make a person broken.
Surfer Dude Posted January 22, 2009 Posted January 22, 2009 This is bad advice. Sure, the girl may have misled Kashmir while they were making out, but she was upfront about where she is not willing to go and he needs to respect that. Having boundaries does not make a person broken. I suggest to the OP that he disregards this advice. First of all, what women say and do are completely different things. She might've said that she wants to be a virgin for some reason, for any reason or for no reason. OP, completely disregard what your "gf" says and work on creating attraction. Only if she gives you last minute resistance, pull out. Many girls claim they want to be virgins until marriage, until they meet a guy who can sweep them off their feet, establish amazing emotional and physical connection and make her feel extremely excited. After that, they just say "it just happened". False morality has nothing to do with having healthy boundaries. Btw, for all he knows, she might've already had sex and is just testing him. A girl who grinds a guy doesn't seem like a prude who would resist having sex.
Green Posted January 22, 2009 Posted January 22, 2009 I suggest to the OP that he disregards this advice. First of all, what women say and do are completely different things. She might've said that she wants to be a virgin for some reason, for any reason or for no reason. OP, completely disregard what your "gf" says and work on creating attraction. Only if she gives you last minute resistance, pull out. Many girls claim they want to be virgins until marriage, until they meet a guy who can sweep them off their feet, establish amazing emotional and physical connection and make her feel extremely excited. After that, they just say "it just happened". False morality has nothing to do with having healthy boundaries. Btw, for all he knows, she might've already had sex and is just testing him. A girl who grinds a guy doesn't seem like a prude who would resist having sex. seriously great advice, I've had sex with a girl who was a virgin and waiting for mariage and what she said and what she did were so night and day
Isolde Posted January 22, 2009 Posted January 22, 2009 I suggest to the OP that he disregards this advice. First of all, what women say and do are completely different things. She might've said that she wants to be a virgin for some reason, for any reason or for no reason. OP, completely disregard what your "gf" says and work on creating attraction. Only if she gives you last minute resistance, pull out. Many girls claim they want to be virgins until marriage, until they meet a guy who can sweep them off their feet, establish amazing emotional and physical connection and make her feel extremely excited. After that, they just say "it just happened". False morality has nothing to do with having healthy boundaries. Btw, for all he knows, she might've already had sex and is just testing him. A girl who grinds a guy doesn't seem like a prude who would resist having sex. Dude, she's Catholic! It doesn't matter whether you or anything else thinks it's false morality--it's her morality. Coercing a woman may be tempting, but it will rarely lead to any kind of good result and certainly NOT a healthy relationship.
Green Posted January 22, 2009 Posted January 22, 2009 Dude, she's Catholic! It doesn't matter whether you or anything else thinks it's false morality--it's her morality. Coercing a woman may be tempting, but it will rarely lead to any kind of good result and certainly NOT a healthy relationship. the girl I was dating who was a virgin waiting for mariage was catholic also, things got alot healthier if you know what I mean after the sex started
Surfer Dude Posted January 22, 2009 Posted January 22, 2009 Dude, she's Catholic! It doesn't matter whether you or anything else thinks it's false morality--it's her morality. Coercing a woman may be tempting, but it will rarely lead to any kind of good result and certainly NOT a healthy relationship. I think a few thousand years of culture, religion and tradition can't override a a sexual instinct that has been hardwired into humans millions of years ago due to evolution. Evolution > tradition. This is why I don't pay much attention to societal nonsense like religion. She might consider it her morality, but she would willingly discard it once she discovers her inner desires that can be brought to surface by a guy who knows what he's doing. Besides, if she really does let societal brainwashing and programming erase her primal, innocent and completely natural desires, then I don't see why he should bother with her. Like I wrote above, there's a superabundance of sexy women who are in tune with themselves and will suit him better.
mclovin Posted January 22, 2009 Posted January 22, 2009 If her choice of not engaging is premarital sex is due to religious reasons, the likelihood of her changing her mind are slim. It's not unusual for people in your situation to feel the way you do. That's often why the relationship ends. Truthfully, I feel that is terms for ending a relationship, as my beliefs would not be respected either; I would not want to be in a relationship with an unwilling party, nor would I subject myself to marriage without knowing what sex would be like with that person first. In my experience, most people who don't believe in premarital sex feel just as deprived as you, so many of them attempt to get married ASAP.
Author kashmir Posted January 23, 2009 Author Posted January 23, 2009 I always crack up when I hear women say this. Just because they didn't have a vaginal intercourse, but did give blowjobs and did anal they somehow think they're virgins. It's completely ridiculous and a totally backward mentality. Oral and anal is still sex, I really don't know what those women are thinking. Good work on not downplaying and submitting your sexuality. In situations like this, women often say all sorts of moral BS (for no reason really) but that's just because they aren't excited, attracted and turned on enough. If you work on creating sexual attraction, I'm sure you could get her to give it up. However, if that doesn't work, I suggest you move your focus elsewhere. Women who don't allow themselves to be physical are "broken". There are so many great ladies out there who are totally in tune with their needs and sexuality, there is no reason whatsoever to waste your time on someone like this. Seriously dude you're not going to be able to argue your way into her pants or guilt her into it. First off you've been looking for a girl to connect with for a long time and you've found it congrats. Second off I've been where you are a girl who says no sex before mariage, and I said the same thing you did "I've had sex before and I believe in sex before mariage" and I never stopped believing in sex before mariage... and you want to know what happened... well we never got married... but we did have sex. First off at a minumum always kindly say that you believe in sex without mariage when she says what she does... next off relize you can't talk her into sex stuff... you have to get her hott and then when your making out and she's horny... then you push the boundaries... see how naked she'll get, see if she'll atleast put her hand down there... or even better try to put ur hand down by hers and finger her. If worst comes to worst and you think this is going no where its alot easier to get a new gf while you currently have one. Seriously the line that got me to have sex with a virgin was can I just rub my by your... and then she let me and then I was just like this is stupid let me just put it in a little more. GL don't break up with this girl till you have another one lined up. and when ever she brings up other guys and how they didn't have a problem just say your not them... don't be afraid of embaressing yourself no one will hold your sexuality against you and if they do then F them Look, my goal isn't to get into this girl's pants or seduce her into having sex with me. As surferdude said, there are plenty of women out there who WILL have sex. There's no reason for me to try to coerce this girl into breaking her decision not to have sex. Yeah, I think it's a dumb decision especially when she's doing this other physical stuff, but it's her decision and I need to respect that. And surferdude, I don't get to say this a lot, but this girl IS turned onto me. That's why it really took me by surprise when she said she doesn't have sex, because she came onto me rather aggressively and has stayed pretty aggressive ever since.
Green Posted January 23, 2009 Posted January 23, 2009 Look, my goal isn't to get into this girl's pants or seduce her into having sex with me. As surferdude said, there are plenty of women out there who WILL have sex. There's no reason for me to try to coerce this girl into breaking her decision not to have sex. Yeah, I think it's a dumb decision especially when she's doing this other physical stuff, but it's her decision and I need to respect that. And surferdude, I don't get to say this a lot, but this girl IS turned onto me. That's why it really took me by surprise when she said she doesn't have sex, because she came onto me rather aggressively and has stayed pretty aggressive ever since. I gave you great advice you can choose to let her decision control you or you can tell her "I want to keep dating you, and I like you, I do believe in sex before mariage"
Scottdmw Posted January 23, 2009 Posted January 23, 2009 Hey Kashmir, It looks like everyone else here pretty much has given you one perspective, so I'm going to give you a different one. Take it for what it's worth. When I was younger, like you I had girlfriends that I'd have sex with, and I thought it was fine. Over time though I've come to believe that although it feels good in the moment the negative consequences afterwards aren't worth it. The big thing that nobody ever really warns you about are the emotional consequences. Sex bonds people powerfully, and more so when you get out of your teens I think. It's supposed to do this, it's part of nature's design. If you end up getting married and staying together, that's not a problem. But, if you end up breaking up, you face the possibility of spending a long time, possibly years, feeling lousy most of the time and beating yourself up about what you could've done differently. Speaking from personal experience, the memory of the pleasure you had from sex fades almost instantly, but the pain will stay with you for a long time. it you don't want to believe me, read the posts on this site in the "breaking up" section. Read about people who still feel awful years after the end of a sexual relationship. I'm sure you know theoretically that birth control can fail resulting in your girl getting pregnant. Have you ever really, though, thought about what you'd do if that happened? Would you expect her to get an abortion, and be there for her if she was wracked with guilt afterwards as some are? Maybe you would even put a lot of pressure on her to do it--this is very common. What if she decides to keep the child and you are stuck with 18 years of child support payments over which you have absolutely no say? Would you get married on the spot? Consider whether you know 100 couples who are having sex and hoping to not get pregnant on birth control. Statistically between 1 and 20 of those couples will end up pregnant at the end of a year depending on what contraceptive they use and how careful they are using it. How about STDs? Have you thought about what it would be like to get herpes or genital warts, and then to someday meet the woman of your dreams and have to tell her that that's what you have and that's what she will have if she's with you? Maybe you wouldn't tell her till it was too late? And of course there is AIDS--a death sentence. Are you looking to someday meet the right woman and get married? If so, consider this problem too. It's really important to find the right person, to find someone that's really compatible. But, if you meet someone and quickly start having sex, you suddenly have an interest in convincing yourself that this person is the right one. If they're not, you would have to give up the sexual relationship. I believe it really muddies the water in figuring out whether the person is right for you. Some people will say you have to find out about sexual compatibility. I think you can tell all you need to know by how the person kisses and cuddles, anything else can be solved later. What I'm trying to say here is this: consider that it is possible this girl is right, even if she's maybe going about it poorly with her other actions. Waiting for marriage might actually be the best thing for you. Or, at least, there might be some advantages to it that would outweigh the difficulty of going without. Sex is made out to be a very big deal by our culture (not so by other cultures), but I know from personal experience you can be perfectly happy without it, and there are many many other ways in life to experience pleasure together. Think about it, and you might decide in time that you're lucky to have found a woman like this. Remember, if she won't have sex with you now, were you ever to get married there's also a better chance she wouldn't cheat on you then because those are her demonstrated and proven values. Scott
Author kashmir Posted January 23, 2009 Author Posted January 23, 2009 While I've never had sex with a girl more than once, I really don't think I'd get too attached from sex. I know you're gonna say that I wouldn't know, but I know how my mind works, and it works differently from a lot of people. While I would invest some emotion into a girl, I would easily realize that if she dumps me or something then I can just find another girl. And as far as the risk of pregnancy, this is my attitude - abortion is legal. Use it. If a girl happens to get pregnant when we use proper birth control, then it isn't my problem. I did all I could do to prevent pregnancy. If she doesn't want to get an abortion because she's clouded my the idea that it's unethical, then that's her decision, but I'll have no part in the unnecessary burden she decided to take on when she has a choice not to take it. I want sex and I don't want marriage. I'm not going to change what I want.
Scottdmw Posted January 23, 2009 Posted January 23, 2009 Well, you know your mind better than me. If you ever do end up hurt like I described though, consider it for the next time. Regarding a pregnant girlfriend--as I understand it you can be compelled to pay child support by a court if paternity is demonstrated. You don't actually have a choice in the matter, even if you wanted the girl to have an abortion. In the eyes of the law your choice ends when you have sex, after that all you have are responsibilities. You might also be surprised, I've read of cases where men felt as you do now, but after their girlfriend had an abortion they experienced completely unexpected feelings of guilt themselves. Maybe you wouldn't, of course, but biology is a strange thing and humans have deep programming to want children and want to protect them that can come out in unexpected ways. Sometimes it's hard to know how we "would feel" if a certain thing happens in the future when we have no experience of it. Best of luck with it all, Scott
Author kashmir Posted January 23, 2009 Author Posted January 23, 2009 Sometimes it's hard to know how we "would feel" if a certain thing happens in the future when we have no experience of it. Yeah, I know what you mean. An unexpected feeling is always possible. In this particular case though, it's not very likely. Some people may call me cold, but I don't have any emotional value for unborn life. I really don't have much value for life in general, but an embryo or fetus to me is just a complex assortment of tissue that can prove to be valuable as subjects for experiments. Aborting a child that I helped make might even make me a bit glad, as I'm contributing resources to research. I'm not worried about impregnating a girl any time soon, though, and believe me, I know the risks. I lost my virginity one night when I was fairly drunk with a girl who was very drunk. She whipped out my penis and put it in her unprotected. Both of us were negligent and didn't bother to think about a condom. I ended up coming in her several times. I was worried for days, both about getting an STD and impregnating her. Luckily, neither happened, and I was very very grateful. I vowed to never do that again. I plan to be EXTREMELY prepared whenever I have sex from now on.
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