anne1707 Posted January 20, 2009 Share Posted January 20, 2009 I know it. We don't see eye to eye. thats the difference between those that cheat and those that don't. No. It's the difference between those who want to fight for their marriage and those who don't . Link to post Share on other sites
Dexter Morgan Posted January 21, 2009 Share Posted January 21, 2009 No. It's the difference between those who want to fight for their marriage and those who don't . To me, marriage with a cheater isn't worth fighting for. Why should I fight for someone that didn't give a crap enough about me to keep her legs crossed to other men? Link to post Share on other sites
65tr6 Posted January 21, 2009 Share Posted January 21, 2009 To me, marriage with a cheater isn't worth fighting for. Why should I fight for someone that didn't give a crap enough about me to keep her legs crossed to other men? dexter, i have read your views on this quite a bit. Look at the bright side....if you are willing to look at the positives there is a lot to learn from an affair. It could change your life completely for the better even if you end up divorcing your spouse - provided you are willing to put in the effort. Key being how does one handle the post affair era. I think it is doable, painful, yes it is...is it worth it ? I think so. Link to post Share on other sites
Dexter Morgan Posted January 21, 2009 Share Posted January 21, 2009 dexter, i have read your views on this quite a bit. Look at the bright side....if you are willing to look at the positives there is a lot to learn from an affair. Ok, I'll bite. What postives come from finding out your spouse is a cheater? (aside from the obvious one to me that you can now get rid of the cheater) It could change your life completely for the better even if you end up divorcing your spouse Oh it changed mine completely. I now know that I shouldn't feel despair if someone ends up cheating. I'll just end the relationship and never look back. Key being how does one handle the post affair era. I think it is doable, painful, yes it is...is it worth it ? I think so. Is it worth it? maybe to some, to me, absolutely not. Because even if I am not stressing or obsessing over my xW's affair, if I were to have stayed with her, I'd never fully trust her and would always have my doubts. Anyone that doesn't have a inkling of doubt in their marriage after an affair, forgiveness or not, are being foolish. Link to post Share on other sites
2sure Posted January 21, 2009 Share Posted January 21, 2009 My H and I have now been married 3.5 years. I have a daughter from a previous relationship, we relocated to H's home. 6 months in I found out he was still on line with women he knew before we married, 1.5 years in I found out he had cheated on me in every sense of the word. We were so newly married, with no problems or bad history at the time - that I didnt take it personally - in that I KNEW it wasnt me, it was him. Its not as though we had to get married, he wanted to. What angered me was that he KNEW he had this problem, knew what he was doing, while we were engaged. Married me while betraying me. For what?? When I met him his most attractive quality to me was his INTEGRITY. I put not only mine but daughters future in hands I didnt know were not trustworthy. So, we are recovering. Like you, I believe he is sincere in his remorse and regret. It was hard because there was nothing I could fix, there was no good history built up before the crisis. In fact, if I had not needed to worry about my daughter - I would have bailed. We are happy now Because you have since lost your job, had children, moved etc...you and your wife are dealing with some of life's hardest traumas all at once. Add to all of that the fact that you were betraying her while at the same time making efforts to have a family.... Stop asking her to go to counseling. I would find that insulting. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Saddened_Husband Posted January 22, 2009 Author Share Posted January 22, 2009 Wow...reading your post was as though I was reading about the history of myself and my wife. My wife also had a child when we married.....I think everyone thinks they are "father" material, but being an instant father (to a 2 year old) and having no prior experience nor going through his first two years - it's hard to be an instant father. On top of that, my wife and her son relocated to another state immediately after our marriage and she was depressed and without a job. Money was tight and I felt like I was failing her as a husband. The Internet is a terrible place - tons of crap and sucks the vulnerable in........it was an easy escape for remorse and it turned to an addition that ended up hurting my family. I'm very interested in hearing more to your story and how your survived. Yes, without a job I appear as a failure to my wife......but I'm well educated and have offers out of state for $135,000+.......not that money is anything at all - but actions speak louder than words and I could do a lot for my family with that kind of money. My wife is a school teacher and is an incredible person and mother, but doesn't make much money. Currently, my wife states she cannot forget the fact that I cheated on her - she's haunted by it everyday.....furthermore, states she could never touch me again. Please help ! Link to post Share on other sites
2sure Posted January 22, 2009 Share Posted January 22, 2009 The physical infidelity itself honestly was not that hard for me to get over. It was sex and nothing more - it hurt of course, but in the big picture it was just the gratuitous end product of the real problem. The real problem had nothing to do with me. It was his problem - so , I didnt feel it personally took away from me. I myself, did not feel threatened. I felt stupid. I felt I made a stupid life altering decision n=by marrying him. Which pissed me off. Further - I knew his infidelity and on line "friends" meant nothing to him. That he would risk me, our marriage , for something so....nonessential...really made me angry. He wasnt lacking anything, this wasnt something that could be "fixed", there was no reason for it. So...eventually I came to realize his behavior for exactly what it was. Going on line , surfing profiles, and chatting with people had been his hobby, form of relaxation/escape since long before I met him. Some people read books to relax - he did this. The end product, the real life hook up, was something that happened occasionally - but not his priority. I think some part of him believed he would give it up after the wedding. The hobby was too strong, and he went back to it. We went through D-Day twice. He was sorry, to say the least. He was mortified , ashamed. H is a public figure, I saw him as a man of integrity...I felt duped. Ultimately, he lost all of his privacy and I became the marriage police. Its not a job I wanted - but I didnt know what else to do. Since then, he has found other hobbies and I honestly dont think he misses it. We really are happy. I do think about it though once in awhile and dont know how long I will. Will I ever trust him 100%? I dont know that either. I dont look at his email or calls very much anymore - but feel more secure knowing I could and its possible that if he ever feels the urge to do something stupid it will pass because he knows I could easily question him. I'm hoping all of this is just part of a process. Like I said - between the betrayal, your job loss, and moving in with her folks - your wife - I am positive - is thinking "I didn't sign up for this." Things happen, life throws curve balls, circumstances can be beyond control....but the betrayal was completely optional. I dont know if this helps, but it might be a window into some of your wife's thoughts. Link to post Share on other sites
Sweet Pea 1220 Posted January 22, 2009 Share Posted January 22, 2009 Unfortunately, your wife has lost respect for you. But all is not lost, there is still hope! I believe most women who are still married to the father of their children, want to remain in that relationship. So...... FIRST, get a job! Back in the 40's, my uncle (who later owned and operated a radio station) couldn't find work in his field. So he drove a bread truck until he found the right job. I heard that story all my life! Everybody in the family talked about what a great and awesome guy he was because when the chips were down, he did what he could. Let's face it....fifty cents an hour is better than NOTHING an hour. Women really RESENT and loose respect for their man when they won't work! SECOND, don't pressure her. Don't even talk about the relationship anymore. Let actions speak louder than words! This doesn't mean send her flowers or buy her chocolates. That wouldn't work right now. It would only make her madder. Just try to remember what it was about you that she fell in love with. Probably that you had your act together...you had a good job, etc. So, just be a nice guy, help around the house with the kids, don't even talk about the physical side of your marriage. It's gonna take time, but you have to be patient. THIRD, I hope you believe that there is a God, and He's still in the miracle working business. It is His will that your family stay together. No doubt about it. It is the forces of evil (Satan) that are destroying our families. So, PRAY for that miracle. Make it your business to be a Man of God. Read your Bible. Get a Bible. It's God's instruction book to us. Follow His instructions!! My wife and I wed nearly 3 years ago and perhaps insecure, but I maintained online relationships throughout our engagement and marriage. Once married we were faced with many challenges: relocation, missing of family/friends, finances, living together, the adoption of a child and trying to conceive a child of our own. Instead of embracing my wife and working through the issues I escaped to the Internet where I received remorse. Overtime, my wife and I grew distant and my thrill seeking turned into two sexual affairs. I was not emotionally connected with either woman, but the affairs took place. Since the information surfaced, much has changed in our lives: we moved out of state, sold our house, new jobs and we're currently living with her parents. The past year has been an emotional roller-coaster and I've received counseling (both spiritual and psychological). I've become a better person and instead of fleeing the situation, stood up in the fire and have been there for my wife and kids. Things remain rocky because I'm currently unemployed (due to the economy), but possess a Masters degree and 10+ years of professional experience - so I remain hopeful. I also extracted my 401k to provide a financial cushion for our family. I've accepted responsibility/accountability for my mistakes, have become a better person and daily remind my wife and kids how much I love them. Our kids are 5 and 1 and I repeatedly tell my wife the greatest gift we can possibly give them is to remain a family. Following a year, my wife has yet to speak to a counselor (stating the problem was mine, not hers) and remains bitter to the situation. She recently told me she could NEVER TOUCH ME AGAIN and we're both lonely and down. I know if I had a job my wife would be in greater spirits (when I was previously employed and making good money she repeatedly talked about buying a house together and giving it a try), but my wife is down and everything is my fault: why we moved out of state, why we sold our beautiful house, why we're living in a small house with her parents, etc. Please help.....what do I say or do? How do I talk my wife into marriage counseling? Should I give her space? - we're already distant and having been intimate (even hugged or kissed) in over a year.......wouldn't that separate us farther? I genuinely love my wife, learned my lesson and live with new values in life. In addition, I've learned to love without being loved in return. Any advice you could provide on how to embrace my wife would be greatly appreciated. She's an excellent mother and an incredible person - I love her with all of my heart !!! Thank you for your time and assistance. Link to post Share on other sites
Athena Posted January 23, 2009 Share Posted January 23, 2009 Ok, I'll bite. What postives come from finding out your spouse is a cheater? (aside from the obvious one to me that you can now get rid of the cheater) LOL Dexter Morgan I had a good laugh with this! Thank you:lmao: Link to post Share on other sites
vnqsh2001 Posted January 23, 2009 Share Posted January 23, 2009 Currently, my wife states she cannot forget the fact that I cheated on her - she's haunted by it everyday.....furthermore, states she could never touch me again. Please help ! I find that the biggest mistake cheaters make when they are found out is not showing enough remorse. Do you feel that you are showing enough? I bet she probably wants more. I bet she really wants to see you grovel at this point. Denying sex is one way for her to punish you and at the same time express her pain. She really wants you to feel how hurt she is. If you somehow find a way to swallow any pride you have and find a way to slither at her feet, you might find a way to satisfy her desire to get revenge on you. It's not an easy thing for you to do at all, but it may be the best thing to do at this point if you really want to speed up the healing process. If you go this route, keep in mind that you may have to subjugate yourself for what may seem like quite a while. But you can pick yourself up again after you have satiated her thirst for vengeance. Link to post Share on other sites
Dexter Morgan Posted January 23, 2009 Share Posted January 23, 2009 LOL Dexter Morgan I had a good laugh with this! Thank you:lmao: Well, to me that really is the ONLY positive from learning of an affair. Ya I know, people will say that you can take the affair and fix things. While that might be a positive, the big negative still overshadows that positive....the negative that now you know your SO is a cheater. The negative outweighs any positive here. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Saddened_Husband Posted January 23, 2009 Author Share Posted January 23, 2009 I appreciate everyone's feedback and suggestions although I disagree with Dexter. My wife and I have weighed out the pros and cons of staying together and there's no comparison - we both know we need to stay together (the children, our family, finances, God's intent) but the difficulty lies in doing so. I'd appreciate further insight from 2sure.....our situations are almost identical. Thank you ! Link to post Share on other sites
2sure Posted January 23, 2009 Share Posted January 23, 2009 I'd appreciate further insight from 2sure.....our situations are almost identical. I find that so many people here have situations with at least some aspect similar to my own. The patterns of infidelity - from how it starts, the suspicions, the D-Days, the gaslighting, reconciliation or divorce....the patterns are ALL nearly identical. Fortunately, the same patterns exist to give you a really good path as to what to do next, what works - for the marriage or for you. Marriages and circumstance are as individual as people, but the patterns, amazingly, are the same. Link to post Share on other sites
Dexter Morgan Posted January 23, 2009 Share Posted January 23, 2009 I appreciate everyone's feedback and suggestions although I disagree with Dexter. My wife and I have weighed out the pros and cons of staying together and there's no comparison - we both know we need to stay together (the children, our family, finances, God's intent) but the difficulty lies in doing so. Then she will need to learn to suppress her resentment when it comes around from time to time. And it WILL come around. She has been given a life sentence and she will need to learn how to deal with that. As far as the reasons? the children...wrong reason to stay in a marriage with someone you can't trust. "our family"....not a reason at all finances.........money rules all doesn't it? God's intent? where was that when you were cheating? Link to post Share on other sites
rosered Posted March 1, 2009 Share Posted March 1, 2009 replies through most of your posts. As the one in your wife's shoes.I can't believe that you're bringing up the relationship or counseling,at this point. This is still the stage when SHE , you know, the one who was BETRAYED (by you) is still trying to hold her own guts in. Look up the stages of grief for when someone dies.She has years to go, before you should even wonder why she is still with you. Having been though death of a spouse and the betrayal of one, death hurt less. Get over yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
signedin2008 Posted March 1, 2009 Share Posted March 1, 2009 Then she will need to learn to suppress her resentment when it comes around from time to time. And it WILL come around. She has been given a life sentence and she will need to learn how to deal with that. As far as the reasons? the children...wrong reason to stay in a marriage with someone you can't trust. "our family"....not a reason at all finances.........money rules all doesn't it? God's intent? where was that when you were cheating? Dexter, are you a reincarnation of me? Why are you copying my style of responding? Link to post Share on other sites
blondesmiler Posted March 1, 2009 Share Posted March 1, 2009 What should you do - whatever it is she would like you to do! You messed up, big time and now if your wife decides she wants space, wants you too leave, you have to respect that it is all your fault and you have to honour now what she wants. What you do not seem to grasp, as you keep on reiterating that you had no emotional involment to these women, is that your married, your wife has an emotional (or did) commitment to you and you have betrayed that emotion of hers. All her feelings, her heart. What I suggest is that you get help, you read books on how women differ to men and learn about how she might really be feeling, how it really might have effected her. Only then can you even begin to understand what she might need going forward. Sex to her is emotional (as it is too most women in a relationship), thats why it hurts so much, your betrayal has made a joke of all the emotional commitment she has invested in you and your marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
lovestory5 Posted March 1, 2009 Share Posted March 1, 2009 [sIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman]I understand that you realize your mistake but I can tell you that maybe it is too late. We, women, can’t forget about such things and I don’t really know what you should do to be with her again. Try to give her space now, then find a good job and as you wanted, try to save money for the new house. Maybe only then in a new area with new emotions you can have the start of your relations. Only then. [/FONT][/sIZE] Link to post Share on other sites
ForMyDaughter Posted March 1, 2009 Share Posted March 1, 2009 Dear Saddened Husband, Your situation sounds identical to my situation with my husband. He cheated on me online and I believe he had no emotional connection because these where married women with husbands' that supported their swinging lifestyle. I must say that I'm not sure you deserve to be forgiven, but I feel compelled to help you. Pease take to heart what I am writing. Men get it all confused. They think their wives care about their jobs, money, physical attributes, but just like you...your wife wants to feel wanted...she wants to feel desired...she wants to feel real love. She wants you to pour your heart out to her...NOT begging for forgiveness or telling her how stupid and sorry you are. She wants you to be HONEST by explaining to her your sexual needs and I letting her know you want those needs satisfied with her. Explain to her the real reason you sought women on the internet was because you were seeking things you ddn't get from her. Not that she is to blame, but YOU were afraid to come to her first because you didn't want to feel rejected or embarrassed. If you really want your wife, this will speak straight to her heart. But continue to encourage her to seek marriage counseling. Your wife wants to forgive you and have a happy life with you...she is just afraid and waiting for the sign that she can. The sign lies with you. I hope you are able to save your marriage, because in some way I hope it helps me save mine. Link to post Share on other sites
jj33 Posted March 1, 2009 Share Posted March 1, 2009 What strikes me in your posts is that you talk about a million reasons to stay together but you dont talk about HER. You dont say you love her and there is noone else like her that you want to be married to HER that you will never love anyone the way you love her. And you have proven that by your actions. Its a horrible prison to stay married to someone because there are other circumstances that lead you to stay together - children finances etc if the person you are married to is not the biggest reason you stay together. And that may be what your wife is responding to. Have you sat down and discussed the feelings you were having and tried to work on the underlying issues? Told her you love her more than anything in the world etc etc and acted like it every day instead of weighing it up like a balance sheet? (finances children etc etc). The focus needs to be on her. Unless she feels like the best thing that ever happened to you, why would she be excited about staying married to you after you have proven that you are happy to seek affection elsewhere? Practicality is a big part of marriage but it cant be the central focal point. Link to post Share on other sites
NewSunrise Posted March 1, 2009 Share Posted March 1, 2009 Hey Dexter---you crack me up with your replies. Short, blunt and to the point! :laugh: I too, got rid of the toxic, er...cheating husband, that is. Sigh...what a relief. Couldn't be happier. Saddened Husband---doubt that your wife hasn't weighed the possibility of throwing you out, just yet. Kids are never good reason to stay miserably married. My sister divorced her WS. They have four kids ages 4-17 at the time. The share joint custody and don't squabble over the kids welfare. Kids are now 12-25 and well balanced. As a xBS, I felt the same as your W does towards you. I didn't want him to touch me. I saw him as "dirty". Put yourself in her shoes. Would you want to touch her if you knew two guys were dipping their wicks in her? Makes you cringe doesn't it? It'll take her awhile to recover from it or she may never will. That's the life sentence you've bestowed on her and on the kids. And she has to decide when enough is enough---save herself or the marriage. Understand that your poor choice and judgement will affect your children's view and how they will relate to the opposite sex and their future spouse. Your poor choice will affect how they see you as a father and a person. You're lucky she and her parents haven't kicked you to the curb. The kids are probably the key to keeping you around. Your W and in-laws probably don't want to be seen as the bad guys throwing their unemployed "Daddy" out into the streets. Keeping the "family" intact seems to be the goal. But it's far from keeping your marriage intact. Your only choice is patience. There is nothing that you can do to navigate the marriage. You've already navigated it when you crossed the line. Link to post Share on other sites
NoIDidn't Posted March 2, 2009 Share Posted March 2, 2009 The focus needs to be on her. Unless she feels like the best thing that ever happened to you, why would she be excited about staying married to you after you have proven that you are happy to seek affection elsewhere? Like it or not, Saddened, this is true. When the going got tough, you bailed. You abandoned her. You were disloyal to the marriage. To your step-child. She trusted you to be a good stepdad, and you failed. Miserably. Now this two year old has a sad and angry mom and probably senses it is because of the new dad. The distrust runs deep. You have a lot of work to do. And complaining about it is just bad form. You broke it, you fix it. This is about her right now. She needs to know that she can trust you. She needs to know that you won't hurt her like this again. And she may just decide that the best way to get that assurance is by taking you out of the position to do it again (divorcing you). Link to post Share on other sites
Dexter Morgan Posted March 2, 2009 Share Posted March 2, 2009 Dexter, are you a reincarnation of me? Why are you copying my style of responding? I'm not...you are copying mine. Link to post Share on other sites
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