Dumbledore Posted January 14, 2009 Share Posted January 14, 2009 Women flirt with men all the time. They're just exercising their sexual power over them. It doesn't mean anything. It's just harmless playfulness. If guys take it seriously, then it's their own stupid fault. Link to post Share on other sites
Trimmer Posted January 14, 2009 Share Posted January 14, 2009 Women flirt with men all the time. They're just exercising their sexual power over them. It doesn't mean anything. It's just harmless playfulness. I feel like "exercising sexual power over them" and "doesn't mean anything/harmless playfulness" are not really consistent with each other, especially in the workplace... If guys take it seriously, then it's their own stupid fault. There are two issues with this: If the co-worker takes it seriously, it could affect the OP's work environment. If her husband takes it seriously, then it could be a problem between them. If the response is, "he wouldn't care," then why not share with him the fun and hijinx that go on at work? That sounds exactly like the kind of thing couples share with each other at the end of the day, and especially if the husband would be cool with it, why not? Just because "it's their own stupid fault" for possibly taking it seriously doesn't mean it couldn't turn into an uncomfortable situation or a problem for the OP. I don't really care about "the guy" here, but I am considering how a misperception that is "his own stupid fault" by the co-worker could still negatively affect the OP. Link to post Share on other sites
Untouchable_Fire Posted January 14, 2009 Share Posted January 14, 2009 Women flirt with men all the time. They're just exercising their sexual power over them. It doesn't mean anything. It's just harmless playfulness. If guys take it seriously, then it's their own stupid fault. Your life philosophy sucks. Your basically saying liars aren't bad... it's just stupid people who believe them. I know this is small scale stuff, but I try to never blame the victim. If a girl is not interested in me... I would rather her not flirt at all. I don't need lies to prop up my self esteem. Link to post Share on other sites
Dumbledore Posted January 14, 2009 Share Posted January 14, 2009 Your life philosophy sucks. It's not a life philosophy, but a basic understanding of the way the world works. We hold these truths to be self-evident. Link to post Share on other sites
Trimmer Posted January 14, 2009 Share Posted January 14, 2009 It's not a life philosophy, but a basic understanding of the way the world works. We hold these truths to be self-evident. I actually think you do understand things, but you and I differ when it comes to their implications. At first you claimed that flirting did NOT have to involve sexual interest, but then went on to say that women flirt all the time to exert sexual power. Well, if that's the case, then it works precisely because they are exploiting the sexual interest of the men. So I agree that you do understand things at one level, but your interpretation of this dynamic as "meaningless" does reflect a certain life philosophy, I suppose. Link to post Share on other sites
Untouchable_Fire Posted January 14, 2009 Share Posted January 14, 2009 It's not a life philosophy, but a basic understanding of the way the world works. We hold these truths to be self-evident. I too understand how the world works. I just choose to believe that we should strive to treat one another with honesty and integrity. That failing to do so is bad. So, as I understand it, we do not disagree so much on the facts of the case. Our disagreement is based solely on how we view the world. I can respect that. Link to post Share on other sites
lkjh Posted January 14, 2009 Share Posted January 14, 2009 Dumbledore, nobody is debating who is at fault if the OM takes her flirting seriously. The point is he may take it as a sexual invitation. Since he may, it would be best to avoid the flirting. Why pour gas on the fire? Link to post Share on other sites
Author IhavenoFREAKINclue Posted January 15, 2009 Author Share Posted January 15, 2009 I would just like you all to know that...he starts it..I never approach him and knock stuff over or leave notes on his computer. He comes to MY desk or he leaves notes on MY computer. Never once have I initiated the flirting. And when he starts it, he lays it on thick...not me....i guess i just find it flattering and confusing that for a crush And stop picking on Dumbeldore..he makes very valid points. Link to post Share on other sites
MindoverMatter Posted January 15, 2009 Share Posted January 15, 2009 It's nod bad in itself. Keeping it a secret is what's bad here. Go tell your husband. Link to post Share on other sites
Author IhavenoFREAKINclue Posted January 15, 2009 Author Share Posted January 15, 2009 It's nod bad in itself. Keeping it a secret is what's bad here. Go tell your husband. But i don't think its that much of the secret when he's laying it on thicker....Ive told him hey hey Im married many times Link to post Share on other sites
Trimmer Posted January 15, 2009 Share Posted January 15, 2009 But i don't think its that much of the secret when he's laying it on thicker....Ive told him hey hey Im married many times The context of that comment was about keeping it a secret from your husband. Have you shared this with him? "Ha ha, there's this really flirty guy at work, you wouldn't believe it..." Could you? Will you? Link to post Share on other sites
Author IhavenoFREAKINclue Posted January 15, 2009 Author Share Posted January 15, 2009 The context of that comment was about keeping it a secret from your husband. Have you shared this with him? "Ha ha, there's this really flirty guy at work, you wouldn't believe it..." Could you? Will you? Oh i could definitely do that...I would tell him..but i have to approach it in a way where he doesn't think I'm initiating it. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted January 15, 2009 Share Posted January 15, 2009 And when he starts it, he lays it on thick...not me....i guess i just find it flattering and confusing that for a crush Confusing? In what way? See, this man believes you're "into" him and the flirting (atleast on his behalf) is making him think that you're pursuing him and maybe it'll turn into something else. Fact is HE is the one who is leaving notes and coming to you, well, that needs to stop and how to stop is, STOP flirting with him. Crush on him from afar and keep it check. HE is getting something out of this, more than ego. What are you getting out of it, ego as well? Or does he turn you on abit? Link to post Share on other sites
JamesM Posted January 15, 2009 Share Posted January 15, 2009 Actually, if you are not, then you have the best and most honest approach. But it seems that you are a little unsure abut who is doing what. My wife has been flirted with and she has even been hugged by a patient's son. She tells me pretty much everything. Could she be spinning it? Could there be things happening that she isn't telling me? Of course, but the way she tells me what happens to her every day good and bad, helps me to believe that she tells me everything. I think she would say the same about me. Keeping a secret such as this makes it seem that you are afraid of him knowing. Then the question is...why? Just tell him how things have been going. Link to post Share on other sites
Trimmer Posted January 15, 2009 Share Posted January 15, 2009 The other thing that telling your husband does, is it changes the dynamic, inside your own head. Once he is "in on it", you will automatically start to see things partially through your husband's eyes as well. Essentially, telling him reaffirms your commitment as a couple. It says to him, and just as importantly to you, "We are more important than this thing." And you will carry that thought with you in your future interactions with Mr. Flirty-Co-Worker. I bet the first time you need to show Mr FCW your wedding ring after you've told your husband about him, the dynamic will be different than before - I bet you will feel different about it. Unless, of course, you don't want those feelings to change... Link to post Share on other sites
Phateless Posted January 15, 2009 Share Posted January 15, 2009 Behavior and personality are different. There is always a choice. Personality defines your compulsions, but CHOICE defines whether you act on them. I am always compelled to speed, but I don't. I drive safely. I am often compelled to talk to other women, but I don't, because I love my gf. My ex used to tell me that I shouldn't try to change her personality and to let her be who she is. That was her response when I told her I wanted her to clean up after herself in the kitchen. This was while we lived together. How freaking hard is it to do your own dishes after you eat breakfast and leave the kitchen available for me? It's not a personality trait that leaves you incapable of that behavior. If you see no difference between personality and behavior, you obviously have no self-control. Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted January 15, 2009 Share Posted January 15, 2009 One way to crystallize your marriage to flirty boy, is to have your husband come into the office and to introduce the two. Shaking hands with a real live man is very different, from the vague shadow in the imagination. Link to post Share on other sites
JamesM Posted January 15, 2009 Share Posted January 15, 2009 Trimmer's comment reminded me of a girl I worked with a couple of years ago. She was really one of the best I have ever met. She could talk with you and with her eyes she was saying (in a non flirtatious way) that "you are the focus of my world right now." Truthfully, she was a one of a kind. But my point...shortly after she began working, my wife came in and I am sure partly to meet this new woman I had mentioned. This girl "Pam" talked with her for awhile, and then later said to me that she was glad to meet her and let her know that she (Pam) was not a threat. She didn't say it, but she made it clear on what they talked about. My wife never worried about me with Pam again. And the same has happened with my wife's coworkers. Getting to know them made me feel a little better regarding having these guys be around for her for hours at end. And for most guys, knowing the husbands makes a difference in how they treat his wife. Suggestion...introduce your husband to this guy. And I am pretty much certain that this "crush" will be over. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted January 15, 2009 Share Posted January 15, 2009 One way to crystallize your marriage to flirty boy, is to have your husband come into the office and to introduce the two. Shaking hands with a real live man is very different, from the vague shadow in the imagination. I was going to make this comment/suggestion after reading only the first page and thank you for getting to it OP, do you proactively enjoy the attention of men in front of your husband? And, v.v. he the attentions of women? Ever go to a party and "split up" and just enjoy the attentions of others beyond what is considered cordial, occasionally winking at each other across the room? Link to post Share on other sites
Dumbledore Posted January 15, 2009 Share Posted January 15, 2009 Telling her husband about this is an obvious mistake. It has nothing to do with their relationship. This is completely innocent stuff, and her husband would definitely be questioning why she would bring such an issue up, when there is nothing to it. It's just like that dream you had last night about teabagging David Beckham. It's not relevant to your marriage. Unless there's some technique you dreamt about that you want to try on him, of course. Bringing her husband into the mix is complete overkill. Like cracking a peanut shell with a sledgehammer. It's a complete waste of time, and it will only end up doing unnecessary damage to the trust built up within a marriage. If you have to test the trust every little moment, it's not trust. That's the whole point. Full disclosure is an utter fallacy. The only way a marriage can work is with trust on both sides, and the freedom to have your own headspace. Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted January 15, 2009 Share Posted January 15, 2009 You're welcome carhill. I've used this tactic more than once before without telling my SO of the time about someone who won't back off. This ensures that you don't escalate the drama and create ill-will, in any potentially politically charged situation. Most often, they've meandered off, looking for other prey. Link to post Share on other sites
Dumbledore Posted January 15, 2009 Share Posted January 15, 2009 Telling her husband about this is an obvious mistake. It has nothing to do with their relationship. This is completely innocent stuff, and her husband would definitely be questioning why she would bring such an issue up, when there is nothing to it. I was going to add that this will simply create drama where there is none to begin with. Link to post Share on other sites
Dumbledore Posted January 15, 2009 Share Posted January 15, 2009 Basically, to sum up, if her husband suddenly turns up to work, simply to introduce himself for this purpose, it telegraphs the fact that her husband does not trust her. This is completely the wrong signal to be sending - not to mention that it destabilises the very trust within marriage which sustains a stable and enduring relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted January 15, 2009 Share Posted January 15, 2009 Yeah, it does seem a bit "dramatic" Link to post Share on other sites
Dumbledore Posted January 15, 2009 Share Posted January 15, 2009 True, maybe I'm overplaying it. On the other hand, it's easy to take the view that "My wife can't handle simple issues like this herself, since she has always had trouble being assertive - so I had to come, like always, to bail her out." And we know this is just simple flirting. As common as table salt. Link to post Share on other sites
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