Emotional Cheating?

[Jr_Arch]

My wife & I have been married for 4 years & dated 2 years. As of the begiining of this year, she started to take a night class at the local jr college. No big deal. After a few weeks, she would go out to dinner with her new found classmates, sometimes 3 nights a week after class. (She even went out on valentines night, the night I proposed 5 years prior.) I felt resentful about all this & quite jealous. Unfortunately, we shut ourselves off from each other. I did in hopes she would realize what all this was doing to me. She didn't. We didn't know how to communicate. One night after class, she tells me that shes made an appointment to talk to a lawyer (the next day). This was a shock, even though I knew this was where we were heading. We decided though to seek a marriage counselor. For the past couple (7) of months we have been seeing this counselor. One day last month though, I found some notes she had written while in class. These 'notes' were exchanges with another classmate. They were about sexual situations (spanking & types of panties she could wear for them). I was devastated to say the least. She said it was all 'trash talk' & joking around, & thats what they do in class. Come to find out (after a big argument), she likes the attention from other men. Im not sure if has to do with her past view about her body image (not enough attention in high school) or if its an issue regarding sex appeal. I thought we had a decent sex life, & I lust after her all the time.

 

Since then another situation arose when I went out of town on business for a weekend. While I was away, I found out (found a credit card receipt) that she had gone to a honky tonk with one of her girlfriends. It would have been nice if she would have told me she was going there. She tried to lie about it when I confronted her. When I finally wouldn't take the lies, she said that she didn't want to tell me b/c I would get mad about it..... Duh I couldn't believe she would go to a sleazy night club at 1 am in the morning to "just sit there & watch" as she puts it. Bars are watering holes and meat markets. People go there to couple up. She knows that's an issue within our relationship, b/c we've been seeing a counselor for the PAST 7 MONTHS. Im at a lost on what to do know.

 

DrPhil tells it like it is..."Don't play word games about whether or not something was an "affair." The best litmus test: If you wouldn't do something in front of your spouse, then it's inappropriate behavior."

 

She just doesn't seem to get it.

[Tony T]

Just because you've been seeing a counsellor for seven months doesn't mean her heart's in the marriage. As a matter of fact and you would be able to tell by her participation and demeanor during your therapy sessions, she could be going to therapy out of guilt and they could very well be part of her exit strategy. People often go to counselling prior to divorce so they can say they "tried to make things work."

 

At your next counselling session, you need to speak up and call the question. This issue is something you should have already resolved one way or other in therapy. Does she or does she not want the marriage? Why does she go out and do things when you're away and not tell you? Why doesn't she feel comfortable sharing things with you? Why does she need to go to honky tonk bars with her girlfriends?

 

You need to get some answers to your questions and you need to start feeling that she wants this marriage to work. If she's going to have a secret life away from you, you just as well be single. Marriage is all about sharing and honesty. Now, if you come down on her when she tells you something then shame on you. It's up to you to create an environment where your spouse can be totally honest about everything without being judged or yelled at.

 

Have you thought about finding a different cousellor or do you feel like you're actually making progress after seven months?

[Jr_Arch]

I have thought about getting a different counselor. I feel as though the emphasis from the sessions is about our "family life"(childhood, parents) & how it has shaped us. Since we are both only children, the counselor seems to say that is part of the problem. Which I can see some of the logic behind that, but focusing on "you guys need to communicate" (how) & "your family history & boundaries haved played an important role" really doesn't, in my opinoin, get us any where. My wife heard what the counselor had to say during their sessions, so I am assuming that things were discussed rather than just sitting there. The old saying that 'you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink', comes to mind. These incidents happened 5 months into the counseling sessions. I think anybody would have a problem with these types of situations a spouse puts themselves into. I've recently found out, by asking her to be honest, that the sexually talk or "trash talk" still goes on at her class. She didn't admit it....just kept quiet & didn't confirm or deny. You are right, it is a secret life outside the relationship. From my perspective its like having two masks, a marriage mask (pleasant, relaxed) while at home & another mask (baudy,juvenile) while not in the home.

 

When asked why she feels she has to do these things, she replys that she doesn't know. I believe that people do these sort of things b/c they get something out of it. There is a reward somewhere to be got. The reward for her is an ego booster. She has mentioned before that she didn't get much attention from boys while in school & now she gets it. It makes her feel good. That is why this has been allowed to persist. Why damper a situation where you will get a reward. The problem is that her ego reward has been put on the same playing field of our relationship trust. She has told me through her actions that she can't be trusted & that she doesn't have a high regard for that relationship trust.

 

After mentioning this whole situation to several people, they all seem to make the same remark. That she is growing up. This where I think the couselor is right. Family history does make a difference. She lived in a household that upheld moral standards. Now that she is an 'adult' & away from her parents, she feels a sense of independence. She made the statement that she feels that she missed out on doing what other people did when they were young (going to bars, partys, drinking) & now she can do those things. She has even mentioned that I could, if I wanted to, start going to strip clubs, as 'long its not too often'. This was a shock...Ive never asked about going to those places. Earlier in our relationship, she was repulsed by places such as those.

 

The problem is that all this is hurting our relationship (esp the flirting) & she knows that it is a problem not only from me telling her but also from the counselor. Im at a loss. The only thing left to do is to leave her & start a new life. I was always hoping this was a phase she was going thru, but I don't know if our relationship can survive it.