His jealousy doesn't make sense

[Ayemtee]

I don't think so. Because for the scant details she has provided, she was jumped on for having sex with an older man and told that she couldn't possibly have been mature enough to make her own decisions at the age of 18 and questioned whether whether she held a double standard about women having sex with older men vs. men having sex with older women...

 

She already has one guy making her feel bad - does she need people on the internet to do so as well?

 

No not at all. Its just a conditional discussion. You have onlyicansee telling her to lie about the details but that should only pertain to this topic if the 31 year old man really was better in certain areas. If he wasn't then there is no need to lie. In fact she should reassure him, which she has, and sit him down and talk about his problems. Like you said earlier the problem isn't her its her BF.

 

Others are telling her to leave him so fast but I don't agree with that at all. She didn't mention ever trying to understand his insecurities or sitting him down to talk about them. That is the course of action she should take before deciding to leave him if she does care about him.

[onlyicansee]

Again, I really dont think you guys understand this.

 

Nora, your right. Why would you ever say that? You shouldnt! Im saying, "what if", and if you did how do you think it would turn out? Im saying, imagine if you had a colorful sexual past, do you really believe that even though you didn't discuss it with your partners, if you had they would be totally accepting of it all? I seriously, seriously doubt it. Im not talking from my own experiences here, Im talking about the vast majority of men. You can not argue this with me, your points are invalid as you have not experienced this, and you have even admitted to never discussing sexual details. That does not mean that your sexual past would not inhibit your current bf's emotions towards you, it simply means he does not know.

 

And, to AA. I disagree. Everyone is different, and everyone views certain things differently than other people. The guy might be ok if his woman had a man with a bigger penis but not ok with a threesome, vise versa, both, or neither. You don't know, and neither does anyone but that person, and even then they might not know until faced with that situation.

 

In which case, its always better to water it down.

 

If you think that lieing about your sexual past is bad, and you dont want to do it, then you shouldnt come here and ask for ways to get around this situation, because this is the only way. Ignoring the question, avoiding it, or anything but a strait answer to which the opposing person wants to hear will lead to a bunch of negative emotions. So, why can you not just say to that person "you were better" even if they were not? In my opinion, it would almost seem cruel to tell your lover that there was better, bigger, more than him. Love is not a polygamous thing, and neither is sex. Its monogamous, and love and sex fall hand in hand. No one wants to be shared, no one wants to feel beneath someones past.

[Ayemtee]

I agree with onlyicansee. If your BF asked about your sexual past Norajane, how would you approach that?

[norajane]

I agree with onlyicansee. If your BF asked about your sexual past Norajane, how would you approach that?

 

I'd probably give him a face like this:

 

And ask him why he wanted to know.

 

What I would not do is provide him with any information. I'd tell him my sexual history is just that - history. And that my focus is on our relationship, not any previous lovers, mine or his.

[onlyicansee]

I'd probably give him a face like this:

 

And ask him why he wanted to know.

 

What I would not do is provide him with any information. I'd tell him my sexual history is just that - history. And that my focus is on our relationship, not any previous lovers, mine or his.

 

That is the correct way to handle it. Its your business, not his business.

 

But the truth is, you avoiding it makes it sound worse than it is.

 

He could either let it go at that... Or he could continue to perster you. Either way, at that point when he asks, it should be obvious that its an issue, and its on his mind. Your next step, should you be faced with this, should be eliminating his concerns regarding your past.

 

Lets take this a step further though, to help you understand the perspective on this...

 

Imagine you and you bf are together 20 years, married, children, family, house, all that good stuff. And then one day you two discuss sexual pasts. Lets continue the what if, and say you slept with 50 people. Lets say, 20 of those people were better lovers than him. Which in that situation would make him average. Lets say, he asks, have you had better? And to what would you say? Would you tell him the truth, would you tell him it doesnt matter, or would you tell him that he is a sexual god and none of the 49 people before him could compare?

 

Lets say you answered honestly. Lets say, for the sake of saying, that you even went along with this because you believed your answer would not affect your marriage, your bond, and that you two had been together for so long that something so far in your past could not possibly have an impact on your relationship now.

 

So lets say you told him that he was average. That he was not the best, and not the worse. Lets continue, and lets say that he develops a complex about it because you two are not intimate as frequently as you used to be, or that its not as intense as it used to be, or you dont O as much as you used to, and he starts to suspect its because he is average. Would you leave him to find another man? Or, would you regret not just telling him that he was the best.

 

This happens a lot more than you might think Nora.

[norajane]

Lets say, he asks, have you had better?

Again, I'd do this:

 

And tell him "not in the past 20 years !!"

 

If he persisted, I'd tell him I certainly couldn't remember the details of a past sexual life I hadn't even thought about since being with him.

 

And if he turned it into an issue, I'd tell him to get his head out of his ass and focus on US, here and now, and our family. And if he got all upset, I'd send him to therapy. And if he kept at it and kept at it, yes, I'd seriously consider leaving him because he'd be SICK and not allowing us to enjoy our lives together by worrying about someone's dick size who doesn't have any bearing on our 20 years of life together.

[onlyicansee]

And, to even emphasize this more. What if on the flip size he told you he had a threesome with 2 hookers. Im sure you realize its extreme, but can you honestly say that knowing your love, your husband, had slept with 2 hookers who he paid to have sex and used as objects, as peices of meat and devalued them would not put a twist in your over all view of him? Lets even say that while you two had sex, he liked to treat you like a whore, call you names, etc. Lets say you just thought he was being kinky all these years, or role playing, but come to find out it was not role play, and that he got his rocks off like that. Do you not think you would fill your head with what ifs about his past and about you twos sexual compatibility. You mean to tell me you would never think, "maybe the reason he acts like this sexually with me is because its what he wants, and other women have given him what I can not?"

 

Now that is purely an example to put the idea of a sexual complex into your mind, though this is a true story and its sadly enough a situation which ended a long long marriage of two loving people.

[norajane]

And, to even emphasize this more. What if on the flip size he told you he had a threesome with 2 hookers. Im sure you realize its extreme, but can you honestly say that knowing your love, your husband, had slept with 2 hookers who he paid to have sex and used as objects, as peices of meat and devalued them would not put a twist in your over all view of him? Lets even say that while you two had sex, he liked to treat you like a whore, call you names, etc. Lets say you just thought he was being kinky all these years, or role playing, but come to find out it was not role play, and that he got his rocks off like that. Do you not think you would fill your head with what ifs about his past and about you twos sexual compatibility. You mean to tell me you would never think, "maybe the reason he acts like this sexually with me is because its what he wants, and other women have given him what I can not?"

 

Now that is purely an example to put the idea of a sexual complex into your mind, though this is a true story and its sadly enough a situation which ended a long long marriage of two loving people.

 

Hookers? You bet I'd be out of there in 2 minutes. However, I suspect a man like that wouldn't be someone I'd end up with, because that attitude of hookers being acceptable as part of a man's sex life would have already made itself known.

 

But you are making up a hypothetical that is FAR AFIELD of what the OP in this thread has done. FAR FAR afield.

 

I am NEVER going to accept that what her bf is doing - trying to make her feel that what she did was bad and wrong - is ok behavior. NEVER. That sucks ass and there's no way around it.

[onlyicansee]

Again, I'd do this:

 

And tell him "not in the past 20 years !!"

 

If he persisted, I'd tell him I certainly couldn't remember the details of a past sexual life I hadn't even thought about since being with him.

 

And if he turned it into an issue, I'd tell him to get his head out of his ass and focus on US, here and now, and our family. And if he got all upset, I'd send him to therapy. And if he kept at it and kept at it, yes, I'd seriously consider leaving him because he'd be SICK and not allowing us to enjoy our lives together by worrying about someone's dick size who doesn't have any bearing on our 20 years of life together.

 

Why? Why would you do that?

 

Why would you not just put him at rest, and tell him he is the best?

 

What could you possibly be getting out of letting him know that you were ****ed better by another man? What place does this honesty have in your relationship? What is the reason you would not just tell him he was the best?

 

If you tell him not in 20 years, its saying you had better. If you say you dont remember, thats a slap to the face, saying that you are unsure if he was the best would obviously lead to the idea that he wasnt.

 

I am just beside myself to hear someone say they would rather torment their lover by not letting them feel assured sexually with them than to just suck it up and say "hey you were the best I have ever had, and your all I have ever wanted and more"... If you said that instead of you cant remember or not in the past 20 years you would avoid fights, therapy, and possibly a divorce...

 

I just dont get it... Why would you keep people in your past on this pedastal? Why cant you take those people down, and let your current man be the winner here? Im not understanding this... at all...

 

Even if my gf was fat, ugly, smelt like cheese, and her V was too lose for me to have sex with I would still tell her she was the sexiest woman I ever saw and that sex with her was better than with anyone else, even if it was a blatant lie.

 

Even if I was trying to get her into shape and get the sex into par with what I wanted, I still wouldnt tell her other women in my past were better.

[norajane]

Why? Why would you do that?

 

Why would you not just put him at rest, and tell him he is the best?

 

What could you possibly be getting out of letting him know that you were ****ed better by another man? What place does this honesty have in your relationship? What is the reason you would not just tell him he was the best?

 

If you tell him not in 20 years, its saying you had better. If you say you dont remember, thats a slap to the face, saying that you are unsure if he was the best would obviously lead to the idea that he wasnt.

 

I am just beside myself to hear someone say they would rather torment their lover by not letting them feel assured sexually with them than to just suck it up and say "hey you were the best I have ever had, and your all I have ever wanted and more"... If you said that instead of you cant remember or not in the past 20 years you would avoid fights, therapy, and possibly a divorce...

 

I just dont get it... Why would you keep people in your past on this pedastal? Why cant you take those people down, and let your current man be the winner here? Im not understanding this... at all...

 

Even if my gf was fat, ugly, smelt like cheese, and her V was too lose for me to have sex with I would still tell her she was the sexiest woman I ever saw and that sex with her was better than with anyone else, even if it was a blatant lie.

 

Even if I was trying to get her into shape and get the sex into par with what I wanted, I still wouldnt tell her other women in my past were better.

 

See, this is the kind of hyperventilation that is just plain ridiculous. You read that ALL wrong.

 

If my husband of 20 years thinks I remember lovers and details from the past and is worried about how he measures up, we have much bigger problems than whether some guy I f*cked 25 years ago had a bigger weenie than his. That's why I would laugh and why I would refuse to even engage in the conversation.

[onlyicansee]

Hookers? You bet I'd be out of there in 2 minutes. However, I suspect a man like that wouldn't be someone I'd end up with, because that attitude of hookers being acceptable as part of a man's sex life would have already made itself known.

 

But you are making up a hypothetical that is FAR AFIELD of what the OP in this thread has done. FAR FAR afield.

 

I am NEVER going to accept that what her bf is doing - trying to make her feel that what she did was bad and wrong - is ok behavior. NEVER. That sucks ass and there's no way around it.

 

But, you are pretty much going against everything your saying? How can you judge this man on his past if the man is not allowed to judge the woman? But the truth is, its not about judging. Its not about putting a person down. Its about feeling adequate.

 

I agree with you 100% that the bf should not be putting her down. That he should not be making her feel like what she did was wrong. Because its not wrong. She did nothing wrong, and I do not question that nor do I question that him making her feel bad because of it is wrong.

 

However, nora, you are not understanding this situation entirely. You simply feel that because he is upset over her past and has made some rude remarks regarding it that she needs to find another man. Its not that easy though, and you cant just say things like leave him, there are guys out there who are ok with it. Because frankly, you don't really know what your talking about with this subject.

 

I could argue this with you until my fingers were blue to the tip. All my "what if" scenarious were to get YOU to realize what is going on, so that maybe you could make a more informed comment regarding this situation, which you have failed to do, though you have been able to contradict yourself you are unable to say that possibly this situation is deeper than just move on.

 

In my own little world, it would almost seem apparent that the OP's bf is having doubts about himself, and how he measures up to her past lovers. His outlit for this is wrong in the fact that he belittles her, but with all fairness to the bf, his girlfriend unintentionaly filling his mind with little penis thoughts has probably made him feel as though he is smaller both in penis and esteem, in which case he will try to negate her sexual past in order to make himself feel as though he is worthy and better than the other guy.

 

All of this, could all be fixed, if she would just say his dick is bigger, and always with an enthusiatic tone, assure him that he was better in all ways over her other lovers...

 

If you or the OP cant seem to do this for your men, I feel deeply deeply sad for them. It would be an utter nightmare to always feel as though you dont measure up (literally) to your girlfriends past. Always thinking you are not good enough, big enough, hard enough, or whatever.

[onlyicansee]

See, this is the kind of hyperventilation that is just plain ridiculous. You read that ALL wrong.

 

If my husband of 20 years thinks I remember lovers and details from the past and is worried about how he measures up, we have much bigger problems than whether some guy I f*cked 25 years ago had a bigger weenie than his. That's why I would laugh and why I would refuse to even engage in the conversation.

 

Im so frustrated because it seems like you are not able to comprehend this simple thing. 20 year marriage, 25 year old lovers, bigger smaller penis, hookers, etc are all arbitrary numbers ONLY put into the situations to help inform my point, not to be picked apart.

 

Your totally not getting the point of this.

[norajane]

If you or the OP cant seem to do this for your men, I feel deeply deeply sad for them. It would be an utter nightmare to always feel as though you dont measure up (literally) to your girlfriends past. Always thinking you are not good enough, big enough, hard enough, or whatever.

 

He shouldn't be so worried about measuring up to my past boyfriends. That is what you are not understanding. He should not be insecure in the first place about measuring up and holding his insecurities over my head. My past bf's shouldn't become a point of obsession and anxiety and fear. If my past bf's were so wonderful, I'd be with one of them, wouldn't I?

 

He should be concerned about how he treats me in the present and whether our relationship, as a whole, is good. And if he's obsessing about my past and holding it over my head, then no, the present is NOT good. He could be the best lover ever with the biggest penis I've ever had, but he'd still be a horrible bf if he's fixating on my past lovers when I am NOT.

[AAlike]

Onlyicansee,

 

I see your point - obviously discussions of the details are going to have a profound effect on anyone - and everyone has their threshhold of acceptability. we ALL have a little bit of subtle "I want to be my partner's first" tendencies - that's the way it goes. love makes us all a little naive. I'm sure that if I went down a list of stupid stuff that I've done sexually with my GF that there is stuff that she wouldn't approve of and would probably hurt her to hear. Hell, there's probably stuff that I MYSELF wouldn't approve of. of course in the context of love and profound sexual connection, things like "I nailed some chick after we funnelled 16 beers" or whatever are going to sound ridiculous. so yes, glossing over that might not be a bad idea.

 

but I don't think that you see my point (and what I think that Norajane is saying) - and that point is the problem lies in the asking of the question in the first place. If a guy asks about a past lover's penis size, then he's clearly not in the proper state for a relationship. period, point blank. The girl's response is totally irrelevant. Honestly, if she DID lie I don't think it would help anything because if the guy is asking this question, he's clearly got a complex about his own junk and probably won't believe it if she sugarcoats things anyway. The point is that you have to understand that the only actions of your girlfriend's that are subject to your approval are things that she's done since she's known you.

[onlyicansee]

Your right, your both right! How could I have been sooo stupid as to not have realized that. Gosh gee you guys put that into perspective for me. Thanks...

 

Seriously, you guys are not with me here... Lets forget everything about trying to get Nora to understand this situation, lets move on from that because its just moving in circles and is becoming more frustrating than informative. I'm not sure how else I can really put into perspectiveive for her anyways.

 

To note: its obvious that it is an insecurity in him. I never said it wasn't and I never said there are not larger issues at hand. Lets review some of the details.

 

- Bf used to be over weight

- Bf says he wishes he had gotten around more

- Bf questions her past in regards to age and penis size

- Bf has slept with fewer people than the gf but boasts about them to his gf

- Bf gives gf hard time over above problems

 

Am I the only one who sees this? The problem of inadequacy? And the bf's motive with all of this is to be reassured that he is his gf's end all be all?

 

Bf used to be over weight, he probably wasn't the ladys man, and is not entirely intune with himself in regards to how women view him. He probably had some bad encounters which has left him hindered as far as how he thinks women accept him.

 

Bf says he wishes he had gotten around more, meaning he wishes that he had slept with more people than gf, therefore being the dominant male with more experience, meaning he is sexually adequate with her.

 

Bf questions her past, in hopes that he can alleviate his own mental anguish as to what other men are in comparrison to him, meaning he would like to feel as though he is above her past, that her previous lovers can not be to par with him.

 

Bf slept with fewer people but boasts about them in front of his gf... Im not a rocket scientist, but it would seem obvious that he is trying to take the lead sexually here.

 

Bf rags on gf because of her past. This is wrong. He is going about it the wrong way... But the problem is, she wont assure him that he is everything to her and more than her past, so in order to salvage his own ego he must destroy her past in hopes that it does not destroy his own self image.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Its not always about getting to the root cause, unwinding everyones inner emotions, and getting to that tip of the problem. All of this, everything here and the majority of the issues with retroactive jealousy could all be aleviated if their partners kept their pasts either to them selves, or if disclosed watered them down. You dont need to unwind this mans insecurities, im sure he has went through them enough. All he wants is to feel like he is the biggest, baddest, sexiest man his gf has ever been with, and I dont blame him one bit. If you think he is wrong for wanting that, or that he is immature for wanting that, or does not deserve to be the best or know that he is the best, then as nora said, find yourself another partner because you will bring this man through much agony.

[norajane]

If he wants reassurance, then saying sh*t like this to her:

He then tells me,"I didn't know you were that way."

isn't the right way to go about it. All he's doing is insulting her. If he feels that way, then he should go find someone else to be with instead of constantly grilling her - as he has been doing - about her past lovers and insulting her. If he needs to insult her to feel better about himself, and if he needs her to admit she's "that way" to feel better about himself, this relationship is BAD FOR HER.

 

No amount of ego-soothing will be enough for him, because he doesn't want to feel like he's her best. He wants HER to feel BAD about what she did, and I suppose to grovel and beg his forgiveness.

 

She does not owe him a past he approves of.

[onlyicansee]

If he wants reassurance, then saying sh*t like this to her: isn't the right way to go about it. All he's doing is insulting her. If he feels that way, then he should go find someone else to be with instead of constantly grilling her - as he has been doing - about her past lovers and insulting her. If he needs to insult her to feel better about himself, and if he needs her to admit she's "that way" to feel better about himself, this relationship is BAD FOR HER.

 

No amount of ego-soothing will be enough for him, because he doesn't want to feel like he's her best. He wants HER to feel BAD about what she did, and I suppose to grovel and beg his forgiveness.

 

She does not owe him a past he approves of.

 

Nora - your completely one sided with this.

 

Did you ever stop and think that maybe, just maybe, her telling him those things in regards to her past is on the same level of "negativity" as him saying things like I didnt think you were that way?

 

I can guarantee you, I would rather my gf tell me she she thinks less of me because I let some girl give me head in a dark deserted allyway than to tell me that my dick is smaller than the old man she slept with. But thats just my opinion... Again...

 

This is not about him belittling her, if she wanted out of the relationship she wouldnt be here asking for help on what to do to SALVAGE the relationship... You shooting off information that was not asked for. Im sure she knows how to leave her bf, I am sure she does not need you to explain why she should do it.

 

What she did ask for, was what is wrong with him, and what she can do about her problem, which I have said and said over and over.

[chief]

jealosy is an ugly thing...I've been the jealous type in some relationships and not jealous in others... But what i can ad to this conversation is what I consider a life lesson; the question that your boyfriend asked you is typical. the truth is however, that he doesnt really want to know the truth, particularly if it's not in his favor. What I'm trying to say is that if in the future your significant other wants to know this info, just tell him what you think he wants to hear. It really is none of our business by and large. I believe it's the same idea generally that if someone cheats on their significant other, they many times are truly remorseful and decide to fess up, but the problem is that by fessing up it's really meant to ease the guilt of the guilty party by getting it off the chest, but that kind of honesty only hurts the injured party. i say take it to your grave and if your really sorry about it dont do it again and make your amens to that person without them knowing why. Sorry to get off the subject.

[norajane]

Did you ever stop and think that maybe, just maybe, her telling him those things in regards to her past is on the same level of "negativity" as him saying things like I didnt think you were that way?

 

HE brought up the subject out of the blue, HE grilled her for details and keeps doing so, and HE is insulting her. The ONLY reason she told him anything is because HE asked and has continued to ask. SHE never brought up other men, although, HE, apparently, frequently talks about women he'd like to f*ck.

 

So no, his negativity started with him, and continues with him.

[onlyicansee]

Ok, so according to Nora you should let this guy suffer because he made a mistake. How about this, how about you tell him he has a small dick, hes still fat, and he will never be as much of a man as anyone in your past, kick him to the curb, and go out and find yourself a brand new man.

[norajane]

Ok, so according to Nora you should let this guy suffer because he made a mistake. How about this, how about you tell him he has a small dick, hes still fat, and he will never be as much of a man as anyone in your past, kick him to the curb, and go out and find yourself a brand new man.

 

This has really gotten under your skin and you don't even know these people. I think you're projecting your own issues.

 

Yes, I believe she should end this relationship and seek out a bf who does not belittle her and insult her. Absolutely. He's being a terrible bf.

[carhill]

How about this, how about you tell him he has a small dick, hes still fat, and he will never be as much of a man as anyone in your past, kick him to the curb, <take his money> and go out and find yourself a brand new man.

 

Ah, the sweet smell of married life

 

However, at least my wife was diplomatic.... "if only it was an inch longer".... LMAO If it was an inch longer I'd be a porn star...

 

On-topic, OP, in post 20 you mention some actions/words you find hurtful.

 

Can you have an adult conversation with your BF and lay this out for him? Try it and come back here and tell us how it went.

 

The important thing to realize here is that there's no magic pill you (or he) can take and make all this go away. This is all part of compatibility. Communicating your perspective is an important part of determining that. You can be attracted to him, even love him, and be incompatible.

 

IMO, this is a great opportunity to learn about *you*. I wish you well

[Ayemtee]

Nora why would you leave your husband for sleeping with 2 hookers in his past if you believe in a committed person's past being irrelevant to their current relationship?

 

This just goes to show you what people are and aren't ok with in their partner's past. Anyone will tell you that their partner's past doesn't and shouldn't affect the relationship - yes, I agree, but that is only ideally. Various people have various values from which they hold important to a certain degree. So yeah they'll tell you a person's past doesn't matter, but thats **** falling from their mouth (fingers to be more exact) because they themselves would leave if their ideal values were crapped on by their partner's past.

[norajane]

Nora why would you leave your husband for sleeping with 2 hookers in his past if you believe in a committed person's past being irrelevant to their current relationship?

 

This just goes to show you what people are and aren't ok with in their partner's past. Anyone will tell you that their partner's past doesn't and shouldn't affect the relationship - yes, I agree, but that is only ideally. Various people have various values from which they hold important to a certain degree. So yeah they'll tell you a person's past doesn't matter, but thats **** falling from their mouth (fingers to be more exact) because they themselves would leave if their ideal values were crapped on by their partner's past.

 

I have never said that the OP's bf should stay with her if he can't handle her past. I have said he's an ass for insulting her and trying to make her feel she did something wrong.

 

If he cannot deal with what she's done, by all means, there's the door. The problem is, he insists on being with her all the while insulting her.

[norajane]

double post