His jealousy doesn't make sense

[Ayemtee]

Why assume everyone else here would see what you did as wrong? Maybe a bit of guilt on your part? If a male did it I would have the exact same opinion as I do now. While I don't think you're "grown" at 18 I do think you have a can't-tell-me-nothing attitude about you.

 

You know, its kind of off-topic but I got into a little argument with a female friend of mine. In her eyes its not okay for a young man to date an older woman, but absolutely ok for a younger woman to date an older man because its more common (load of ****). Do you find it ok that he messed around with older women or does it bother you? Be honest.

[onlyicansee]

Listen, im not here to pass judgment, I don't have a definite answer to your question as to what it means, as it could be a myriad of things. Im just throwing out there that it is not a common thing, but really where I was going with that comment was not in regards to you sleeping with older men, but the older man who was sleeping with you. In my opinion, a man in his thirties is too old for a girl in her teens, but hey thats just my opinion, though I am pretty sure other people will agree.

 

But, as far as a solution to your problem, well there is none. If we had one, we wouldn't be here looking for one ourselves.

 

The best answer you will find though, will probably be along the lines of what I have written already.

 

Your bf is obsessing over this other man, asking questions which would make me believe he feels as though he is inferrior to him (ie: bigger dick, tattoos (to emphasize bad ass), etc). Give your man what he wants, the assurance that he is more to you sexually than any other person could have ever dreamed to be, that he is the biggest, baddest, sexiest guy with the biggest dick you could have ever imagined.

[LoveDrug]

Guilt?I would say not. Although, my bf's questions have made me feel like I should be wrong.Though,I feel not. He's no better.However,I do sense he had some kind of a sexist upbringing.

 

I find no problem with him sleeping with older women. It's no big deal.I never asked him about it. It's not like he killed puppies.

[Xecoxity]

well from my opinion your bf seems immature about this but I do see where he is coming from he is probly thinking "omg my gf done by a 31 yr old, why?! could I ever live up to him? am I better than him? what did a 31 yr old do to get a 18 yr old? Is he that handsome? so was he really that good? sry if its bit harsh

[Ayemtee]

Guilt?I would say not. Although, my bf's questions have made me feel like I should be wrong.Though,I feel not. He's no better.However,I do sense he had some kind of a sexist upbringing.

 

I find no problem with him sleeping with older women. It's no big deal.I never asked him about it. It's not like he killed puppies.

 

Just be honest with his questions. Not so much where it will crush his spirit. If the 31 year old man's dick was bigger than his, say yeah but by a couple centimeters. As long as you aren't gettin your rocks off talking about this guy to your BF you're fine. Make it seem as if that guy was garbage compared to your man now. Let him know where he stands as your bf. Do you do alot of reassuring that he's better than that 31 year old man? Or do you shrug his insecurities off and make it seem like you don't want to show him the truth? How do you handle his questions when asked?

[LoveDrug]

Just be honest with his questions. Not so much where it will crush his spirit. If the 31 year old man's dick was bigger than his, say yeah but by a couple centimeters. As long as you aren't gettin your rocks off talking about this guy to your BF you're fine. Make it seem as if that guy was garbage compared to your man now. Let him know where he stands as your bf. Do you do alot of reassuring that he's better than that 31 year old man? Or do you shrug his insecurities off and make it seem like you don't want to show him the truth? How do you handle his questions when asked?

 

I must stress, never have I brought up this guy. It was my bf's doing.

 

I have tried to appease my bf over & over again...

 

I don't know how to handle some of his questions. He asks for detailed answers. I usually answer with as few words as possible. Other times, I just avoid his questions.

[onlyicansee]

Seriously, dont tell him it was bigger. If anything, say you don't know, or you are unsure becasue they both looked the same, or around the same size. But dont say its bigger, not even by a hair.

 

Your bf has insecurities, just as ALL OF US DO! However, it seems like your bf has some sexual insecurities and while you may not understand them, if you want to love and continue with him, you should help to alleviate them by assuring him that he was more everything in comparison.

 

I would hate to spend my life with a woman whom I felt sexually insecure and inferrior with in regards to her past. It is a daunting thought, and can kill even the strongest of loves. Seriously, this is not something you can take lightly, and even the slightest of comments in this category can either destroy or strenghten your relationship vastly.

 

Imagine this: You and your bf are together for I dont know, 5 years. You ask him one day if he has every loved anyone like you, and he says yes and that he feels as though they shared more toghether than you and him, but that you are all he wants now, and that you are great, loving, etc etc... How would that sit with you? Do you recon you could live with that, be with him for the rest of your life, always knowing that there was another woman before you who outdid you as far as emotions/love is concerned?

 

Im not saying that is going to happen, or that its the case. But, to add a little comparrison as to where your bf is coming from, it should help you to wrap your head around his problem.

[norajane]

I see there are quite a few men posting in this thread who have experienced retroactive jealousy firsthand.

 

Have any of you EVER gotten past it, and are still with your gf's and are happy and don't hold her past over her head and never worry anymore about whether her past bf's are bigger or better than you?

 

LoveDrug, there are many, many men who never experience retroactive jealousy and won't put you through the third-degree like this guy, and who won't think less of you or try to make you feel bad about your past. Find one of those men, and don't let this guy damage your self-image.

 

I think you're fighting a losing battle, as guys who are susceptible to retroactive jealousy do not simply get over it, not without time to mature first. Even the retroactive jealousy guys posting on your thread are trying to make you feel bad, and they're not even dating you!

[Ayemtee]

I see there are quite a few men posting in this thread who have experienced retroactive jealousy firsthand.

 

Have any of you EVER gotten past it, and are still with your gf's and are happy and don't hold her past over her head and never worry anymore about whether her past bf's are bigger or better than you?

 

LoveDrug, there are many, many men who never experience retroactive jealousy and won't put you through the third-degree like this guy, and who won't think less of you or try to make you feel bad about your past. Find one of those men, and don't let this guy damage your self-image.

 

I think you're fighting a losing battle, as guys who are susceptible to retroactive jealousy do not simply get over it, not without time to mature first. Even the retroactive jealousy guys posting on your thread are trying to make you feel bad, and they're not even dating you!

 

I have Norajane. But with me it wasn't focused on dicks lmao... I got over it because I was honest with my girlfriend. I told her what my problem was and where it stemmed from. In turn, she was very understanding. She was honest with me and it turns out I was just being insecure. There really was nothing to worry about. That's why I keep stressing the OP to be honest with your boyfriend. If you're not honest now he'll always wonder about it. Let him know that you're being completely honest about what you tell him.

[norajane]

I have Norajane. But with me it wasn't focused on dicks lmao... I got over it because I was honest with my girlfriend. I told her what my problem was and where it stemmed from. In turn, she was very understanding. She was honest with me and it turns out I was just being insecure. There really was nothing to worry about. That's why I keep stressing the OP to be honest with your boyfriend. If you're not honest now he'll always wonder about it. Let him know that you're being completely honest about what you tell him.

 

It doesn't sound like her bf has done that. I don't see how she can be understanding if he won't be open about his vulnerability and work through it with her instead of trying to make her feel like she should see something wrong with what she did just because he thinks it's wrong.

[Ayemtee]

It doesn't sound like her bf has done that. I don't see how she can be understanding if he won't be open about his vulnerability and work through it with her instead of trying to make her feel like she should see something wrong with what she did just because he thinks it's wrong.

 

Ah you beat me to the punch, I was just about to say that but the post editing tool time limit expired.

[onlyicansee]

"LoveDrug, there are many, many men who never experience retroactive jealousy and won't put you through the third-degree like this guy, and who won't think less of you or try to make you feel bad about your past. Find one of those men, and don't let this guy damage your self-image."

 

Nora, while I understand what your saying and do agree with you in some regards, your response to her is a bit wider of a spectrum than I think you realize.

 

Your right, she could find a man who does not care about her past, I could handle it, im sure there are many many men who could too. However, add on another 30 partners, and then I would be in the same boat as her current bf. What your saying is too conditional about this issue. Maybe she leaves her bf for another man, and in a couple years has dated, slept with more men, and then she finds herself in this situation again, but now even more so.

 

You have to realize, its not about finding that man who can with stand the gruesom details of a womans sexual past, its about alleviating the sexual insecurities that a man has in regards to your sexual past. No man wants to know that the woman he loves was another mans **** buddy. No man. There are so many good, single men out there that if you used this as a basis of judgement you will be passing up many many possibly good relationships.

 

At best, you should not discuss sexual pasts in a relationship. This is the optimum route. Most men just accept that their woman has been around, not because they want to, but because they have too. Its easier for them to think, ok she probably ****ed 5 guys, than to hear the truth that she slept with 50 guys. Some will ask, and if they do the next best thing is to lie and water it down if it needs to be. Some men may be ok what they here... Oh it was just 5, no big deal... Or that same guy could be like wtf 50???

 

Its too conditional

[Ayemtee]

Sit your BF down and talk about where his insecurities are stemming from. After that you two should be able to work out a solution.

[onlyicansee]

I have Norajane. But with me it wasn't focused on dicks lmao... I got over it because I was honest with my girlfriend. I told her what my problem was and where it stemmed from. In turn, she was very understanding. She was honest with me and it turns out I was just being insecure. There really was nothing to worry about. That's why I keep stressing the OP to be honest with your boyfriend. If you're not honest now he'll always wonder about it. Let him know that you're being completely honest about what you tell him.

 

Again, this is not going to help. You cant be honest with these things. If the truth is that your bf has a 5 inch dick and the 30 year old had a 8 inch dick, these details will not help. The only answer that will help are the ones I have already mentioned.

 

Ayemtee, imagine if your girlfriend had turned it around and threw in some information that didn't set well with you? Did you ever think that maybe you just got lucky and there was nothing that wasnt over your own wall? As in, what if she had a threesome with two dudes? Or, took it up the ass from a guy with a 10 inch dick and then sucked him off?

 

Ill stress it again. If your bf asks you about ANY DETAILS regarding your past, water them down until they are less than his, and they do not surpass him in any way.

[Ayemtee]

Again, this is not going to help. You cant be honest with these things. If the truth is that your bf has a 5 inch dick and the 30 year old had a 8 inch dick, these details will not help. The only answer that will help are the ones I have already mentioned.

 

Ayemtee, imagine if your girlfriend had turned it around and threw in some information that didn't set well with you? Did you ever think that maybe you just got lucky and there was nothing that wasnt over your own wall? As in, what if she had a threesome with two dudes? Or, took it up the ass from a guy with a 10 inch dick and then sucked him off?

 

Ill stress it again. If your bf asks you about ANY DETAILS regarding your past, water them down until they are less than his, and they do not surpass him in any way.

 

Yeah sometimes I think about it. The worst thing for me was a guy with a supermodel body. I'm a good looking guy, muscular and toned but not supermodel defined so that bit wasn't hard to swallow. My girlfriend's past is nothing to be worried over anyways and my dick is fairly large. But who's to say the OP's BF has a small penis? Or that maybe she got nailed by a guy with 12 inches? These are all conditions that we really don't know until she shares with us. Although what you're saying I agree with to a certain extent, I think those measures should be taken with someone EXTREMELY insecure. If that's the case, part ways with them. They have other issues of their own to fix.

[onlyicansee]

Yeah sometimes I think about it. My girlfriend's past is nothing to be worried over and my dick is fairly large. But who's to say the OP's BF has a small penis? Or that maybe she got nailed by a guy with 12 inches? These are all conditions that we really don't know until she shares with us.

 

I think your missing the point.

 

She does not need to share them with us, and does not need to share them with anyone, including her bf.

 

Im not saying her bf has a small penis or that she got nailed by a large penis. If the truth is that her bf is bigger and better than there is no lying needed. BUT if the truth is that the other guy had ANYTHING on the current bf and then the bf asks in regards to said thing, she should lie and say that the current bf has it better. Ignoring his questions is saying "Yes he had a bigger dick, but I wont tell you because I dont want to fight about it" where as all this can be alleviated if she just says, no, your dick was bigger.

[Ayemtee]

I think your missing the point.

 

She does not need to share them with us, and does not need to share them with anyone, including her bf.

 

Im not saying her bf has a small penis or that she got nailed by a large penis. If the truth is that her bf is bigger and better than there is no lying needed. BUT if the truth is that the other guy had ANYTHING on the current bf and then the bf asks in regards to said thing, she should lie and say that the current bf has it better. Ignoring his questions is saying "Yes he had a bigger dick, but I wont tell you because I dont want to fight about it" where as all this can be alleviated if she just says, no, your dick was bigger.

 

But if she's here seeking help on such a conditional topic, wouldn't it be in her interest to reveal some detail in order to get the most appropriate course of action from these boards?

 

All in all it really doesn't matter and it shouldn't matter. But she has an insecure BF on her hands that she doesn't know how to handle. While I agree information such as the 31 year old man having an upper hand on him in bed will crush his spirits, lying really isn't the best way to go about this. What she needs to do is sit him down and talk to him about HIS insecurities. That's what the problem is. Lies will eventually lead to more lies. Out of respect and affection for your BF don't lie to him. If he's asking details he wants to know the truth.

[AAlike]

Why would you want anything more than friendship with a girl who considers ****ing two guys at once a "spur of the moment"? What is she going to be like when she's your girlfriend? Is she gonna suck her co-worker off when they close together one night and call it an acquaintance? No thanks.

 

well, you're certainly entitled to your own opinion. but I seriously think that you are getting hung up on the details...trust me I did the same thing.

 

would it bother you nearly as much if a girl casually hooked up with these same two guys separately?

[onlyicansee]

To some extent, I agree with that.

 

But, to be honest, I doubt there are somethings that would ever want to be known. Take for example, would you ever want to know if your gf was in a threesome, or would you rather be content with what you know now? Your answer is probably YES TELL ME and mine would be too. However, ignorance is bliss and the less you know the better off you are. If you have to lie to avoid heart aching truths, then what is the big deal?

 

If he asked if you had and STD and you lied about that, thats one thing. Or if you lied and said you were a virgin, that is too extreme. What I am talking about here is recognizing your man has an ego, and unless you know where that ego ends, you shouldnt inform him that anything was ever better with the other guy(s). Trust me on this, I am 100% full hearted with my statement here.

 

The only thing your bf needs to know about your sexual past is that your clean, and that your not a virgin, any other questions should be "no", or "not as good as you" or "nothing to compare to you" and always more muted than his past, or at most close to his.

[norajane]

Your right, she could find a man who does not care about her past, I could handle it, im sure there are many many men who could too. However, add on another 30 partners, and then I would be in the same boat as her current bf. What your saying is too conditional about this issue. Maybe she leaves her bf for another man, and in a couple years has dated, slept with more men, and then she finds herself in this situation again, but now even more so.

 

Maybe because you are sensitive to this issue, you believe a lot more men are than is true. In all my years of dating, only one ever asked how many past partners I'd had, and he certainly did not ask for details like comparing dick size or performance...that boyfriend was 21 at the time. No other boyfriend has EVER asked or brought up the subject.

 

It's not about finding someone who accepts the gruesome details, as you put it, but about finding someone who views a woman as a whole person and accepts her for who she is and cares about what kind of relationship the two of them have and doesn't obsess about her past.

[onlyicansee]

Maybe because you are sensitive to this issue, you believe a lot more men are than is true. In all my years of dating, only one ever asked how many past partners I'd had, and he certainly did not ask for details like comparing dick size or performance...that boyfriend was 21 at the time. No other boyfriend has EVER asked or brought up the subject.

 

It's not about finding someone who accepts the gruesome details, as you put it, but about finding someone who views a woman as a whole person and accepts her for who she is and cares about what kind of relationship the two of them have and doesn't obsess about her past.

 

Nora, just because you were not our right asked the question does not mean that it was not discussed, thought of, or internally processed.

 

Maybe you missed part of my comments, where many men will just "accept" that their gfs have been around already, placing an imaginary number in their head because they are happy with that than what could be the real truth.

 

Lets say you slept with 50 people. Lets say you told your current bf about that. What do you think would happen? In fact, what if you told all your bfs about that? Or if you told them about the time you got gang banged, or about the time you you had sex in the bathroom of a night club, or better yet lets say that you flat out told a guy his dick was smaller than your last bf's. Where do you think the relationship would go from there?

 

Im saying this because your saying that women need to find a man who views them as whole, but you contradict yourself by saying that you NEVER discuss sexual pasts with partners. So, your pretty much cutting yourself out of understanding this situation all together. I guarentee that if you opened up your sexual past to your partners, there would be a heap of drama. Even with the ones whom you are so sure accept you for everything that you are.

 

The ultimate truth: Men are obsessive over their women.

[Ayemtee]

It's not about finding someone who accepts the gruesome details, as you put it, but about finding someone who views a woman as a whole person and accepts her for who she is and cares about what kind of relationship the two of them have and doesn't obsess about her past.

 

Yup. As long as she/he treats you like you want to be treated its all that should matter.

[norajane]

But if she's here seeking help on such a conditional topic, wouldn't it be in her interest to reveal some detail in order to get the most appropriate course of action from these boards?

 

I don't think so. Because for the scant details she has provided, she was jumped on for having sex with an older man and told that she couldn't possibly have been mature enough to make her own decisions at the age of 18 and questioned whether whether she held a double standard about women having sex with older men vs. men having sex with older women...

 

She already has one guy making her feel bad - does she need people on the internet to do so as well?

[norajane]

Lets say you slept with 50 people. Lets say you told your current bf about that. What do you think would happen? In fact, what if you told all your bfs about that? Or if you told them about the time you got gang banged, or about the time you you had sex in the bathroom of a night club, or better yet lets say that you flat out told a guy his dick was smaller than your last bf's. Where do you think the relationship would go from there?

 

Why would I do that? I would neither provide nor ask for any such details. They are immaterial to OUR relationship.

[AAlike]

 

The only thing though, is make sure you remember your lies, and dont slip up and tell him the ultimate thruth, as that would be even worse.

 

the more that I think about this - it really doesn't matter if you lie, tell the truth, or just deflect the question or say that you don't even remember or care. Out of the three, I tend to gravitate towards the latter, but even that is simply a quick fix. and lying is even more of a quick fix. none of it will ever address the problem.

 

and that problem is that the only way that any relationship will work is both participants need to realize that none of this stuff is even a little relevant, and that there's no need to "equate" or quantify your previous experiences.