His jealousy doesn't make sense

[onlyicansee]

What with everyone slandering and attacking me?

 

AA, I think your lying to yourself. In fact, I think you agree with me, but are trying to make "reasons" as to why you are right, and I am wrong. Its not about that. What I am preaching you have already been through, however your gf told you the things I am trying to tell people not to divulge.

 

The truth about AA: If your gf had never told you about her incident you would have never delt with this. And you know what, nothing good or bad would have come from it. Nothing would have come from it, because it would have never been an issue. AA, can you honestly say that you are better off knowing that your gf got slammed by multiple guys at once? What benefit does that have to you? None. All that does it put a disturbing mental picture in your head and a lot of ??? If your gf would have never brought that up, and let it die after that night, do you think that 5 years from now when you heard the word threesome you would jump out of your skin and go crazy?

 

Im not just understanding the benefits of discussing your histories. Some people want to know, a lot of people want to know. To the women who are saying that the only people who ask are just a bunch of insecure men, your right. But you know what, everyone is insecure in their own way, even the most beautiful sexual people. You have got to be living in a dream world if you would possibly think that sexual pasts have little to no effect on the majority of people.

 

Truth is, Nora admitted that she would have a difficult time overcoming a partner who had sex with hookers. There is no difference in that than a one night stand, except instead of exchanging money for drinks your just cutting the middle man out and getting right to business. If the guy was over that part of his life, and realized that using women as objects... blah blah blah... was wrong then what difference is that than the chic who had a gang bang with 3 guys? There is none.

 

What all this boils down to is sexual incompatibilities. If you want to find someone who shares the same sexual history as you, good or bad, then you shouldnt omit, lie, or keep anything from your partner. But, if you think sexual history has no baring on future relationships, then when questions regarding your sexual history arise, why not just difuse them?

 

Also, I would be willing to bet "1 years salary" that at the very least 50% of men are curious to their partners past. Some will ask, some will drop hints, some will count the number of times you bring up different bf's, some will just create a number in their head based on their judgements. But, simply because a person never flat out said how many does not mean that they never sat there and thought about it.

 

And, just to note, AA, having a threesome is a lot different than sleeping with two people at two different times. I dont really know how you can compare the two to being the same. Thats like saying eating two full sized turkeys at the same time is the same as eating one thanksgiving and the other next. Experiencing two people at the same time is a lot different, the connection is completely different, the sex is different, the movements are different, the intinsity is different, etc etc. They are not even close to the same thing.

[Walk]

Nope not at all. I'm just spitting in Walk's face for assuming every male who voices their opinion on this is an insecure person who's in the same boat as the OP's BF.

 

To the OP... search for "retroactive jealousy" in this forum and you'll see a great deal of threads pop up written by men. It seems that this area (cheating forum) tends to draw a certain type of male that has the same issues as your bf. That's why I say that the subset of men on here is not a true representation of the population. Just like a gardening forum's population of men would draw a certain type of man, or a dog lovers forum, etc.

[LoveDrug]

Thanks for all the replies. I read them all.

 

Before I could have a talkover with him, he confessed that he cheated on me... Not once but about 5 times.

 

I had no clue. Looking back, he did get too "huggy" for a few weeks(guilt?). Besides that, I don't think there were any more signs... We're through. I haven't talked to him ever since.

[norajane]

Truth is, Nora admitted that she would have a difficult time overcoming a partner who had sex with hookers. There is no difference in that than a one night stand, except instead of exchanging money for drinks your just cutting the middle man out and getting right to business. If the guy was over that part of his life, and realized that using women as objects... blah blah blah... was wrong then what difference is that than the chic who had a gang bang with 3 guys? There is none.

 

Wow, if you really see no difference, that explains a lot.

 

Thanks for all the replies. I read them all.

 

Before I could have a talkover with him, he confessed that he cheated on me... Not once but about 5 times.

 

I had no clue. Looking back, he did get too "huggy" for a few weeks(guilt?). Besides that, I don't think there were any more signs... We're through. I haven't talked to him ever since.

 

I'm so sorry, LoveDrug!!! What an ass.

 

At least this makes it easier to dump him to the gutter where he belongs.

 

Please go to a doctor and get yourself tested for STD's. Take care of yourself, since this guy clearly never had your best interests at heart, nor your health.

[LoveDrug]

 

I'm so sorry, LoveDrug!!! What an ass.

 

At least this makes it easier to dump him to the gutter where he belongs.

 

Please go to a doctor and get yourself tested for STD's. Take care of yourself, since this guy clearly never had your best interests at heart, nor your health.

 

I suppose this was his way of getting his "experience" in? I'm now almost thinking he was using this "jealousy" thing to find a way to break up with me.

 

As for the STD thing, he told me that he's "clean". I don't believe anything he says anymore. I will go get myself tested.

[brokenboy]

I see there are quite a few men posting in this thread who have experienced retroactive jealousy firsthand.

 

Have any of you EVER gotten past it, and are still with your gf's and are happy and don't hold her past over her head and never worry anymore about whether her past bf's are bigger or better than you?

 

LoveDrug, there are many, many men who never experience retroactive jealousy and won't put you through the third-degree like this guy, and who won't think less of you or try to make you feel bad about your past. Find one of those men, and don't let this guy damage your self-image.

 

I think you're fighting a losing battle, as guys who are susceptible to retroactive jealousy do not simply get over it, not without time to mature first. Even the retroactive jealousy guys posting on your thread are trying to make you feel bad, and they're not even dating you!

 

first, I think calling it "retroactive jealousy" is a ridiculous misnomer. It's not jealousy: it's insecurity among other things. And it's very much the man's (in this case) insecurity. however, again, there can be many factors that create the situation and all can be overcome... if that's what he wants.

 

sometimes perhaps it's simple maturation, understanding, compassion. Other times perhaps it takes more time or counseling or whatever. frankly, I've been the dude in this situation and have gotten over it. part of my problem was that my perception of the situation was almost entirely formed by how *I* imagined events and motivations. As a victim of sexual abuse when I was very young, I couldn't imagine how any woman could *chose* to allow herself to be "used" !!! I didn't have that choice !!! and sadly, part of the issue was that women often confirmed their regret for these situations... I never asked for the knowledge, they volunteered it. Of course, the "being used" part was my creation, and the women (who I assumed put themselves in exploitive situations) were certainly getting something out of it whether their partners were "using" them or not. perhaps simple physical pleasure, or companionship, or closeness. the truth was probably somewhere in between... and ultimately didn't really matter.

 

point is, I came to learn and see a different side of things. It was a bit of a re-education process in some ways, and it took some counseling to deal with my own issues of my past. but these situations are not necessarily lost causes.

 

All that said... the issue doesn't take care of itself. to the original poster, you may find it all more trouble than he's worth. and that's fine too. nobody is right or wrong here. if he feels how he feels, you both can act... either to change (him), or to leave the situation (either of you).

[AAlike]

first, I think calling it "retroactive jealousy" is a ridiculous misnomer. It's not jealousy: it's insecurity among other things. And it's very much the man's (in this case) insecurity. however, again, there can be many factors that create the situation and all can be overcome... if that's what he wants.

 

Retroactive jealousy does exist, but this isn't it.

 

retroactive jealousy is things like "my so has had 30 sex partners - I am much less experienced so am I good enough for him/her" or "my SO has been with a bunch of people, how do I know that I'm the best/most attractive" etc. etc...basically wondering if you "measure up" per se.

 

But guys freaking out about their GF's doing things that THEY THEMSELVES have done or would do if given the chance, or considering their girlfriend to be of less "value" because of her sexual experience is not retroactive jealousy...however, it's somehow fallen under the guise of RJ when really it's a succinct sort of sexism. it's not overt or intentional though...it's very deeply ingrained, and I think that's why guys have such trouble handling it - they didn't even know that it was there.

 

sometimes perhaps it's simple maturation, understanding, compassion. Other times perhaps it takes more time or counseling or whatever. frankly, I've been the dude in this situation and have gotten over it. part of my problem was that my perception of the situation was almost entirely formed by how *I* imagined events and motivations. As a victim of sexual abuse when I was very young, I couldn't imagine how any woman could *chose* to allow herself to be "used" !!! I didn't have that choice !!!

 

yes, this is the crux of the problem. as men, we apply our own alpha-male sexuality to the situation and look at it through porn-colored glasses, as it were. we are aghast at the fact that our beautiful, sweet girlfriend could have "allowed" herself to be objectified.

 

and sadly, part of the issue was that women often confirmed their regret for these situations... I never asked for the knowledge, they volunteered it.

 

yep, as I've said before, taking solace in the fact that the girl "admitted her mistake" is NOT fixing the problem - in fact, it's compounding it.

 

also, "regret" is a very contextual thing - you can probably make anyone regret ANYTHING that you put under a microscope and hyperanalyze, especially while it's hurting you all the while.

 

Of course, the "being used" part was my creation, and the women (who I assumed put themselves in exploitive situations) were certainly getting something out of it whether their partners were "using" them or not. perhaps simple physical pleasure, or companionship, or closeness. the truth was probably somewhere in between... and ultimately didn't really matter.

 

exactly. newsflash - sex, especially casual sex, itself is objectification by nature! the girl is objectifying as much as the guy.

 

point is, I came to learn and see a different side of things. It was a bit of a re-education process in some ways, and it took some counseling to deal with my own issues of my past. but these situations are not necessarily lost causes.

 

yep. I think that sexual experience, maturity, and getting past the initial stages of a relationship all help speed this process.

 

All that said... the issue doesn't take care of itself.

 

exactly.

 

and to onlyicansee - bro I wasn't trying to attack you, and you are right about 99% of the things that you said - I agree wholeheartedly that everyone would be better off if these things were left undiscussed. but I think that you're being naive to think that the girl just warding off a couple of questions would stop this from happening. it wouldn't. if a guy is predisposed towards this, it's going to come out one way or another - if not from him grilling her about her history, then maybe in the bedroom when he wonders where she learned some "technique", or where she got so into dirty talk, or something else stupid like that. I used to cite the conversation in which she disclosed to me as the root of our problems, but now that I think back to how I was when we first got together versus how I am now, I guarantee that it was going to happen regardless.

 

maybe if we as americans (forgive me if that was an assumption on my part) ended this ridiculous obsession/repression culture that we have with sex, in which we use sex to sell the most inane, non-sexual things but WHOA GOD FORBID we show a BREAST on TV we wouldn't be so goshdarn confused about everything and we could just move on. who knows.