His jealousy doesn't make sense

[LoveDrug]

Someone help me out here! I'm getting fed up.

 

One day, my boyfriend & were watching tv togethere & he asks me about my sexual past. Like,right out of the blue. "How many guys have you slept with?" "What was the oldest you went out with?"

 

My boyfriend & I are only 20. He's slept with 3 women(or so he says). I slept with 5. He got a little angry at this. He said he wanted "more experience" & that he didn't get the opportunity to sleep with who he wanted because he used to be fat.

 

Then, I told him that I slept with a 31 year old man when I was 18( no judgement,guys). He flipped out. I don't see what the problem was. I was just as grown then as I was now. I moved out & started paying my own taxes by then as well.

 

He then proceded to ask me if I knew the last names of the men I slept with. Here's where the problem lies though. He has picked women up from places & they have given him blowjobs. He also hooked up with a stranger.

 

So, as the weeks are passing by, all he does is ask me about this 31 year old man. I think he's obsessed. "What did he look like?" "What style of clothes did he wear?" "Did he have tattoos?" "Was he better than me in bed?" "Was he bigger?"

 

I mean,the questions are starting to get to me. It feels like he's trying to make feel like I did something bad here. He brings this guy up every chance.I have told him that the past is the past & that I'm with him now.He then tells me,"I didn't know you were that way." C'mon, I know to other people I'm quiet.I'm waaaay too nice as well but I am sexual.

 

My bf has a big mouth. I don't say a thing when talks about how hot other females are. Yet, I told him that I think "M"(he has a teensy bit of grey in his hair) is handsome. He got pissed yet again. I asked what was the problem & he said,"I think it's disturbing how you like older guys."

 

What is this guy's problem. I'm ready to dump him.

[Charles1978]

Yep, sounds like this guy has a problem. The girl I'm currently seeing, although we're nothing official, told me that she had a threesome... with two guys. Whatever... it is in the past. And hell, I would have certainly not passed on the opportunity to sleep with two girls... so if I were to have a problem with it, it would make me a hypocrite. People make choices and have experiences... it's life. You'd be better off with someone who understands that.

[quankanne]

dump him. There are men out there that aren't going to use your past against you because they understand that it's not important enough to get jealous over.

[LoveDrug]

Thanks,you guys. I think the hypocrasy is killing me.

 

Why try using the past against me? I can't change it. BTW, he got blowjobs from a woman who was 30 & another that was 38.

[Ayemtee]

I think the problem here is that you're answering with "the past is the past" when he asks you about it. To him it probably seems like maybe you're justifying what you've done in the past by saying its...well...the past. He may think that maybe you're hiding something or maybe there's information that you'd rather not reveal to him because you know it will grind his gears. In my opinion just tell him what he wants to know, his questions will die down after you're blunt with him. What's killing your BF on the inside is NOT KNOWING what you and this 31 year old man had. Even if its in the past and it doesn't matter, it matters to him, so why not at least respect that and help ease his mind with the information he's so bent on knowing?

[AAlike]

Thanks,you guys. I think the hypocrasy is killing me.

 

Why try using the past against me? I can't change it. BTW, he got blowjobs from a woman who was 30 & another that was 38.

 

Hi LoveDrug -

 

Although I agree with the others that you are being unfairly judged, I wouldn't dump this guy just yet. I realize that it may seem as if he's using the past against you, but realize that there are a lot of things coming into play here...

 

First of all, there is some obvious insecurity leftover from the fact that he "used to be fat." Second, at that age, people still make a far bigger deal about sexual experience than they should...particularly young guys that had difficulty with girls during their teenage years. They tend to develop a complex, and they need to get some "merit" or sense of accomplishment out of the fact that they "scored" their girlfriend. The knowledge that their girlfriend dabbled in any sort of sexual experimentation that was presumably far more "available" to her than it was to them, deflates this sense of merit. Finally, realize that as guys we are subtly taught that "ladylike" and lustful exist on opposite ends of the spectrum. Therefore, when we hear that our girlfriend did something that was fueled more by lust and/or curiosity than love we freak out - even if we've done the same. It's complete horsesh*t, and as we get older and have legitimate life experience and appreciation for women, this goes away...but realize that this is probably, at that age, the first time he's had real feelings for a woman, and guys generally don't handle these feelings well the first time around!

[onlyicansee]

Yep, sounds like this guy has a problem. The girl I'm currently seeing, although we're nothing official, told me that she had a threesome... with two guys. Whatever... it is in the past. And hell, I would have certainly not passed on the opportunity to sleep with two girls... so if I were to have a problem with it, it would make me a hypocrite. People make choices and have experiences... it's life. You'd be better off with someone who understands that.

 

Thas great and all, but lets see you say that a year from now when you two are living together, your in love with her, and you are contemplating spending the rest of your life with her. Well see how well her sexual past flies with you then, when your making love to her, but your picturing two other guys slamming her and using her. Youll ask yourself, why? And then it will all be down from there... I could be wrong, but seeing as you didnt experience it like she did, there is a huge sexual gap between you two.

 

To the OP, your bf is obsessing with this as you already know. He will continue to obsess over it, and it will probably be the end of your relationship. If you were my gf I dont think I would have a single problem regarding your past... However, I am at my wits end and pretty much insane over my gf's past which while my past over shadows yours, does not even come close to hers.

 

I think women forget that most men, many men, want to feel dominant, in control, both in and out of the bedroom. When you sleep with someone, that person stay as part of your life forever, or for as long as you continue to inform current bf's about them. Meaning, your bf feels inferrior to this guy and to you. Its not his fault, he probably feel deeply depressed by it all, and because this depression is over powering he continues to obsess over it, hoping that either A) something you say will alleviate his pain and let him feel like the man, the bad ass, the king of your castle, or B) something you say will make his mind up that you two cant be together, and you two split. But its probably A.

 

Your situation does not seem to bad, as in your dont seem to attached yet. If this is the case, just end the relationship now, it will save you both a lot of heart ache. If you love him, and you really want things to move forward, then you should try to work on making him feel like he is better than any man you have ever been with, in every way. He needs to feel like he is on a different level with you, than you were with the men in your past. If it continues, and it progressively gets worse or does not get better, perhaps counseling and or drugs for the obsessive thoughts. But, he has to be aware of his own problems to fix this issue.

 

Best of luck.

[carhill]

What is this guy's problem. I'm ready to dump him.

 

Real simple....he's immature emotionally.

 

Perhaps he's never had a truly intimate emotional relationship with a woman (of any sort) and is lost. Fair enough. That's not your problem

 

Tell him what you want. Make us a list and we'll discuss it. It's important to learn such communication skills (and the language he needs to hear it in) as early as possible. Take it from someone who learned it way too late

 

Don't dump him yet. I'm sure there are other reasons you're with him, so work this a bit and see where it goes.

 

I'll start... how does it feel when he talks (perhaps in sexual terms) about other women in your presence? Remember, focus on how you feel.

 

Good luck!

[Ayemtee]

Thas great and all, but lets see you say that a year from now when you two are living together, your in love with her, and you are contemplating spending the rest of your life with her. Well see how well her sexual past flies with you then, when your making love to her, but your picturing two other guys slamming her and using her. Youll ask yourself, why? And then it will all be down from there... I could be wrong, but seeing as you didnt experience it like she did, there is a huge sexual gap between you two.

 

To the OP, your bf is obsessing with this as you already know. He will continue to obsess over it, and it will probably be the end of your relationship. If you were my gf I dont think I would have a single problem regarding your past... However, I am at my wits end and pretty much insane over my gf's past which while my past over shadows yours, does not even come close to hers.

 

I think women forget that most men, many men, want to feel dominant, in control, both in and out of the bedroom. When you sleep with someone, that person stay as part of your life forever, or for as long as you continue to inform current bf's about them. Meaning, your bf feels inferrior to this guy and to you. Its not his fault, he probably feel deeply depressed by it all, and because this depression is over powering he continues to obsess over it, hoping that either A) something you say will alleviate his pain and let him feel like the man, the bad ass, the king of your castle, or B) something you say will make his mind up that you two cant be together, and you two split. But its probably A.

 

Your situation does not seem to bad, as in your dont seem to attached yet. If this is the case, just end the relationship now, it will save you both a lot of heart ache. If you love him, and you really want things to move forward, then you should try to work on making him feel like he is better than any man you have ever been with, in every way. He needs to feel like he is on a different level with you, than you were with the men in your past. If it continues, and it progressively gets worse or does not get better, perhaps counseling and or drugs for the obsessive thoughts. But, he has to be aware of his own problems to fix this issue.

 

Best of luck.

 

Lol that's what I'm sayin. Yeah its koo if its some girl you're not even that attached to tellin you she got slammed by two dudes at once. But when you wanna wife her up? Its a different story. That's no man's land.

[AAlike]

I think the problem here is that you're answering with "the past is the past" when he asks you about it. To him it probably seems like maybe you're justifying what you've done in the past by saying its...well...the past. He may think that maybe you're hiding something or maybe there's information that you'd rather not reveal to him because you know it will grind his gears. In my opinion just tell him what he wants to know, his questions will die down after you're blunt with him. What's killing your BF on the inside is NOT KNOWING what you and this 31 year old man had. Even if its in the past and it doesn't matter, it matters to him, so why not at least respect that and help ease his mind with the information he's so bent on knowing?

 

although I see your point that seemingly dodging the question might be compounding things, I would highly suggest that you do NOT give him details, especially about questions like "is he bigger than me"!! That is going to fuel his obsession and allow him to form a visual in his head that will most likely be completely different than what actually happened. I made the mistake of asking details about my girlfriend's one sexual indiscretion (and really, we all probably have one these days and would all be better off if we just kept it to ourselves) and it messed with me for months.

 

I think that your best bet is to try and be both vague and forward - something like "yeah, I barely remember it, it sucked." even if it was awesome.

[norajane]

It feels like he's trying to make feel like I did something bad here. He brings this guy up every chance.

If a guy you're dating tries to make you feel bad about yourself, and your relationship has turned into nothing but discussions about your past sex life and how bad you are for having one, he's not a good person to have in your life.

 

His issues are his to deal with - don't let him create psychological issues for you by lowering your self-esteem and making you think you're a bad person, because that will follow you into every relationship you get into.

 

The reason to have a bf is because he enhances your life. If, instead of enhancing your life, he makes it unbearable and makes you feel bad about yourself, he shouldn't be your bf.

[AAlike]

Lol that's what I'm sayin. Yeah its koo if its some girl you're not even that attached to tellin you she got slammed by two dudes at once. But when you wanna wife her up? Its a different story. That's no man's land.

 

well, here it is pretty much laid out.

 

let's not focus on the details - as guys our porn-fueled minds make us sensationalize sexual details and torture ourselves with them. whether it's a threesome, or blowing some dude at a party that she just met, or spontaneously hooking up with a friend when between relationships, having a lesbian experience, playing strip poker, whatever...chances are that your girlfriend has at least one, if not more, instances in which she acted in a spur of the moment, lustful way and she probably looks back on as less than stellar. just like we as guys all probably have one or more of those moments.

 

so what is it that makes it a "different story"?

[You'reasian]

Someone help me out here! I'm getting fed up.

 

One day, my boyfriend & were watching tv togethere & he asks me about my sexual past. Like,right out of the blue. "How many guys have you slept with?" "What was the oldest you went out with?"

 

My boyfriend & I are only 20. He's slept with 3 women(or so he says). I slept with 5. He got a little angry at this. He said he wanted "more experience" & that he didn't get the opportunity to sleep with who he wanted because he used to be fat.

 

Then, I told him that I slept with a 31 year old man when I was 18( no judgement,guys). He flipped out. I don't see what the problem was. I was just as grown then as I was now. I moved out & started paying my own taxes by then as well.

 

He then proceded to ask me if I knew the last names of the men I slept with. Here's where the problem lies though. He has picked women up from places & they have given him blowjobs. He also hooked up with a stranger.

 

So, as the weeks are passing by, all he does is ask me about this 31 year old man. I think he's obsessed. "What did he look like?" "What style of clothes did he wear?" "Did he have tattoos?" "Was he better than me in bed?" "Was he bigger?"

 

I mean,the questions are starting to get to me. It feels like he's trying to make feel like I did something bad here. He brings this guy up every chance.I have told him that the past is the past & that I'm with him now.He then tells me,"I didn't know you were that way." C'mon, I know to other people I'm quiet.I'm waaaay too nice as well but I am sexual.

 

My bf has a big mouth. I don't say a thing when talks about how hot other females are. Yet, I told him that I think "M"(he has a teensy bit of grey in his hair) is handsome. He got pissed yet again. I asked what was the problem & he said,"I think it's disturbing how you like older guys."

 

What is this guy's problem. I'm ready to dump him.

 

Everyone has a past.

 

The only legitimate concern I could see is if this 31 year old guy was still calling you for hook-ups or some kind of arrangement while you are claiming to persue the monogamous relationship with your current guy or you went out on some kind of date, special event with him while dating your guy.

 

I think he is uncomfortable with you liking older guys because he has never liked an older gal and can't understand this - and he's a prime target for Cougars! lol

[Ayemtee]

well, here it is pretty much laid out.

 

let's not focus on the details - as guys our porn-fueled minds make us sensationalize sexual details and torture ourselves with them. whether it's a threesome, or blowing some dude at a party that she just met, or spontaneously hooking up with a friend when between relationships, having a lesbian experience, playing strip poker, whatever...chances are that your girlfriend has at least one, if not more, instances in which she acted in a spur of the moment, lustful way and she probably looks back on as less than stellar. just like we as guys all probably have one or more of those moments.

 

so what is it that makes it a "different story"?

 

Why would you want anything more than friendship with a girl who considers ****ing two guys at once a "spur of the moment"? What is she going to be like when she's your girlfriend? Is she gonna suck her co-worker off when they close together one night and call it an acquaintance? No thanks.

[onlyicansee]

well, here it is pretty much laid out.

 

let's not focus on the details - as guys our porn-fueled minds make us sensationalize sexual details and torture ourselves with them. whether it's a threesome, or blowing some dude at a party that she just met, or spontaneously hooking up with a friend when between relationships, having a lesbian experience, playing strip poker, whatever...chances are that your girlfriend has at least one, if not more, instances in which she acted in a spur of the moment, lustful way and she probably looks back on as less than stellar. just like we as guys all probably have one or more of those moments.

 

so what is it that makes it a "different story"?

 

I think your right AA, but I think the biggest problem is when the guy has "1" of those moments, and the girl has "5". I think if it was 1 on 1, things would be ok. I think, if they were both on an even sexual playing field, certain things could be left alone and not dwell on them.

 

Flip side is, its all irrelevant. Nothing in her past matters, its all about the here, the now. What she did or didnt do with other guys does not have anything to do with her current relationship. The past is just a figment of your imagination mixed with some word of the mouth facts. The only place her sexual past has bearing is in your own mind.

 

Which, is where you can draw the line between it being his problem or her problem.

 

However, its not that easy. Couples typically share problems, so if he has a problem, its actually both of their problems. He is upset with her past, and she is upset with him for being upset over her past. She cant change her past, he does not know how to accept it. Its horrible, because he wants to love her, and she wants to love him, but they are both stuck.

 

In my opinion here, the best thing to do is lie. Lie lie lie. Water that **** down, dont give ANY kind of details regarding anything better, bigger, longer, harder, stronger, etc. If he asked what the oldest guy you slept with was, your answer should have been 1 year younger than him. If he asked was he bigger, your answer should have been a laugh, followed by a no. If he asks how many people you slept with, your answer should be one less than his.

 

Its all a lie, and you know what? At the end of the night he can go to sleep and not obsess over your past, and you can rest assured that your man loves you and sees you as a woman of class, a woman who he can make a family and a future with. All the lies don't matter, because for one its not his business so truth or not he does not need to know, and two its in the past and the only person whom it should be remembered by is you and possibly the other person involved.

 

The only thing though, is make sure you remember your lies, and dont slip up and tell him the ultimate thruth, as that would be even worse.

[You'reasian]

Why would you want anything more than friendship with a girl who considers ****ing two guys at once a "spur of the moment"? What is she going to be like when she's your girlfriend? Is she gonna suck her co-worker off when they close together one night and call it an acquaintance? No thanks.

 

Exactly!!

 

Time and distance are the critical factors when dealing with women whove done the above. Sure, she was 18 and young when she did it and was on spring break or 23 and struggling through a bad divorce but she's 25 now and has put that way behind her (we all have our pasts etc).

 

or

 

she was doing this kind of thing 2 weeks before you met her, but says she's changed lol

[norajane]

He is upset with her past, and she is upset with him for being upset over her past.

 

Actually, it goes far beyond that. He is trying to make her feel like she did something bad and wrong.

 

In my opinion here, the best thing to do is lie. Lie lie lie.

 

The only thing though, is make sure you remember your lies, and dont slip up and tell him the ultimate thruth, as that would be even worse.

 

 

You are actually advocating people LIE as a foundation for their relationship? She should lie to her bf just so he doesn't get all bent out of shape about her, as though she did something wrong that needs to be covered up and hidden because he's going to think she's pond scum according to his rules? And how will that make her feel about herself?

 

Wouldn't it be far better for her to find a man who can accept her as she is without her having to LIE to him throughout their entire lives?

[You'reasian]

The only thing though, is make sure you remember your lies, and dont slip up and tell him the ultimate thruth, as that would be even worse.

 

That's the problem with lies about these things. They require other lies to cover them and more lies to cover those etc.

 

If the truth gets found out during a point when the foundation of a relationship is established, it could all come crashing down.

[Ayemtee]

Actually, it goes far beyond that. He is trying to make her feel like she did something bad and wrong.

 

 

 

 

You are actually advocating people LIE as a foundation for their relationship? She should lie to her bf just so he doesn't get all bent out of shape about her, as though she did something wrong that needs to be covered up and hidden because he's going to think she's pond scum according to his rules? And how will that make her feel about herself?

 

Wouldn't it be far better for her to find a man who can accept her as she is without her having to LIE to him throughout their entire lives?

 

She really should just tell him what he wants to know. I don't think he's actually trying to make her feel bad about it so to speak but thats how SHE feels. Honestly I've been this kind of boyfriend before and I can tell you it sucks. You want to know the details to quell the curiosity but the more you learn the more you think about.

 

I know what the OP is going through because my GF went through it at one point in time. I didn't make her feel bad for what she did its just she saw that it bothered me a little and she automatically felt bad about herself. Over time I stopped that non-sense cause after all she's with me and she's happy. But the only way I really made it over that hump was her just being truthful about the past whenever I'd inquire about it. She told me things straight up, sometimes it hurt a little sometimes it didn't. But I can definitely say it really helped. I don't think about her past anymore because she laid everything out on the table and then as if to make it sweeter than it already was she suggested us both going in for a lie detector test just to prove that she wasn't hiding shameful acts of her past.

 

To the OP try and fill him in on things he wants to know. Don't lie to him because I can guarantee you he already thinks you are about your past, that's why he keeps asking about it.

[LoveDrug]

Indicating factors that he tries to make me feel bad:

• He says things like,"You mean to tell me you don't find anything wrong with that?"
  
• I told him I was 18 ,adult,& independent. He then totally shot down what I said. He said I was not grown then.
  

His references to other women:

• He refers to a woman we both know (that's in her 30's & has 2 children)."Man,I would **** her."
  
• He always talks about who he would've "done".
  
• He suggests 3-somes or he wants to have sex with other women("more experience")
  
• He brings up stuff I never inquire about: His encounters with 3 strange women(he got blowjobs & had sex with 1 of them).
  

He has 3(maybe more) to my 1. He still gets in my ass about this older guy even though he's been with older women(one even claimed that she had a son 1 year younger than him!).

[onlyicansee]

Your right, it might be a bit too late to start the lies now, but initially it is what you should have done!

 

Anyone in here can up and say that I am wrong for what I think, which is fine, but to be honest most people would be better off if they thought that there special someone was actually special, and not dozens of other peoples special person too.

 

And, how can you possibly say that lying about this is building a relationship based on lies? The truth is, this is not his business, and the ONLY reason he is asking is to evaluate where he stands with you in terms of a sexual partner, meaning he wants to know if you have experienced anything better than him. The fact that you have had more partners than him, and that you have slept with an older, more experienced man, probably makes him feel as though he is not special to you or cant live up to your past.

 

Truth: Guys are competitive by nature. False: Guys are ok with losing. To him, its not just "Oh well the last guy was better in bed with a bigger dick, ill move on", its more like "I have failed as a man because I am unable to please my woman, who I love, as much as her previous man". Then its all about him trying to make a way for that feeling of inadequacy or inferriority complex go away.

 

But, if you had to lie in regards to your past, so what? It shouldn't be thought of as shameful, or that you have something to hide, what is really about is protecting your mans ego.

 

Dont forget, we have egos, they are important, and they should be catered to in this regard.

[onlyicansee]

Indicating factors that he tries to make me feel bad:

• He says things like,"You mean to tell me you don't find anything wrong with that?"
  
• I told him I was 18 ,adult,& independent. He then totally shot down what I said. He said I was not grown then.
  

His references to other women:

• He refers to a woman we both know (that's in her 30's & has 2 children)."Man,I would **** her."
  
• He always talks about who he would've "done".
  
• He suggests 3-somes or he wants to have sex with other women("more experience")
  
• He brings up stuff I never inquire about: His encounters with 3 strange women(he got blowjobs & had sex with 1 of them).
  

He has 3(maybe more) to my 1. He still gets in my ass about this older guy even though he's been with older women(one even claimed that she had a son 1 year younger than him!).

 

A lot of what your writing could be one sided, since its coming from one side (your side), but just to comment on what you write: he sounds immature. As in, not fully understanding of what to and not to say regarding women and relationships.

 

However, he could be at a battle with you, trying to make himself feel as though he has gotten around more than you, thus being the dominant sexual male. Which if you remember from my first post, is important to a lot of males. His boasting about the other women who has has fooled around with, while immature to bring up, could be his way of measuring up to your sexual past.

 

And, just to note, at 18 you are still not grown up. In fact, at 18, you have just reached the age of legal consent in most countries, and the fact that you slept with a 31 year old at your ripe young age says both something about you, and the man who slept with you. Its not too common, at least not that I see with family, friends, etc, who sleep with 18 year old girls in their 30's. 18 is not adult, as much as you would like to think it, you were still very naive.

[LoveDrug]

What does sleeping with an older person say both about a male or female?

[Ayemtee]

How come you asked not to be judged when you mentioned sleeping with a 31 year old man when you were 18?

[LoveDrug]

How come you asked not to be judged when you mentioned sleeping with a 31 year old man when you were 18?

 

I would like the solution to my problem.I'd rather not hear how "wrong" what I did was. However,the above person mentioned that what I did says "something about you". What would it say if a male did it?

 

Does what I do excuse my bf's questionings? Does it excuse his encounters with oldedr women as well? Does he have the right to punish me?