atwitsend Posted December 31, 2008 Posted December 31, 2008 Thank you for the clarification amerikajin.
amerikajin Posted December 31, 2008 Posted December 31, 2008 Those exuses is part of what blameshifting is all about, she's still gaslighting you! That's what I'm seeing. I think we need to draw a distinction between an explanation and an excuse. All of the above lines used by philanderers are explanations of what may have led them to rationalize their affairs, but none of those are excuses. An excuse is something that would legitimize or permit an affair -- we have already established that nothing can legitimize that kind of behavior, regardless of how neglected the wife may have felt. Even if we say for the sake of argument that she had a legitimate complaint, that her husband never told her "I love you" or never did this or left the toilet seat up or whatever....none of that would permit cheating. Based on what the OP has said, I think he understands this, and I get the impression that in the wake of their confrontation, she finally accepts this as well. I think the important thing is that the OP not become a doormat, and I think he's taking a lot of important steps to protect himself. He's laid out the ground rules. He's marked his territory and drawn his lines about what he's not going to tolerate. He's made it clear that her sex friend and her chat buddies are out -- forever. This is the first time he's actually taken these steps, so we don't know if this renewed commitment will work or not. We need to give it time to see if she can play by these new rules. He just has to make sure that from now on, she doesn't ever cross that line even once. If she does, then he has to take decisive action and end what is obviously an abusive marriage at that point. Having established that we don't accept cheating, I think it is also important that both people in a relationship take a look at how they can improve the quality of their marriage. I think it is a very common assumption among betrayed spouses to assume that because their partner actually did the cheating that all of the relationship problems are their fault, that they don't actually have to accept any responsibility for relationship problems. I find that to be a very naive way of looking at relationships. I know it's not very popular to say this on LS, but I maintain that if someone just ends a relationship without looking at their own behavior to analyze whether or not they could have improved the quality of their relationship, then they actually share a lot of responsibility in the ultimate dissolution of that relationship.
Author vnqsh2001 Posted January 1, 2009 Author Posted January 1, 2009 it sounds like you are saying: Yes I am married to Stalin but at least it is not Hitler. LoL. A better analogy would be: Yes, I am married to Halle Berry. Why would I want to marry Oprah?
Author vnqsh2001 Posted January 1, 2009 Author Posted January 1, 2009 I know it's not very popular to say this on LS, but I maintain that if someone just ends a relationship without looking at their own behavior to analyze whether or not they could have improved the quality of their relationship, then they actually share a lot of responsibility in the ultimate dissolution of that relationship. And maybe end up making the same mistakes in the next relationship? Is that what you're saying? It's hard to see your own faults in a relationship once someone does something so very wrong. You're right, it does make it feel like all the problems were actually caused by the wrongdoer simply because they proved their lack of character and strength. All the things I did wrong in the relationship now seem pretty trivial compared to what she did.
Mio Posted January 2, 2009 Posted January 2, 2009 I know it's not very popular to say this on LS, but I maintain that if someone just ends a relationship without looking at their own behavior to analyze whether or not they could have improved the quality of their relationship, then they actually share a lot of responsibility in the ultimate dissolution of that relationship. How true this is! Avoiding this truth leads people to repeat the same mistakes over and over. Many seek redemption in new relationships, but the problems always re-manifest. I've watched this tragedy play out in the romantic lives of so many of my friends. The bottom line is: you can't run away from yourself
Dexter Morgan Posted January 2, 2009 Posted January 2, 2009 The mistake she made was allowing herself to make excuses to begin with. One thing led to another after that. She wanted it, Dexter. I can live with that because I realize that it's human nature to enjoy sex. We all want it, we just control ourselves. Her desire isn't something new under the sun. I enjoy money too. But I'm not going to go out and steal it from someone else to get it.
soserious1 Posted January 2, 2009 Posted January 2, 2009 I was in a sexless marriage for years (my ex's choice) my biggest regret? that I remained faithful, celibate, sleeping on the sofa for the last year of the marriage. I wish I had cheated,I wished I'd taken the opportunties open to me.. and I wouldn't have made excuses,I'd have stood proudly in my ex's face and told him that I cheated.. because I wanted to, because I desired 6 inches of another man more than I respected him and that I didn't care who knew,who he told and that I wasn't anymore interested in hearing about his so called "pain" than he had been in hearing mine. No excuses and no remorse.. straight honest truth. Being a cheating whore would have been 1,0000 times better than sleeping on the sofa like an annoying dog banished from the bedroom in the house I paid for.
Dexter Morgan Posted January 2, 2009 Posted January 2, 2009 No excuses and no remorse.. straight honest truth. Being a cheating whore would have been 1,0000 times better than sleeping on the sofa like an annoying dog banished from the bedroom in the house I paid for. Most men that would be potential suitors would see it that way. Just as if I had cheated on my wife, being in the small town I live in, the decent women around here wouldn't care what my reasons for cheating would be if I had. All they would see is someone that cheated on his wife. Thats the same way I view the women in town and have been approached by a couple of them. Sorry, i didn't have any interest. don't ever drop your integrity and tarnish your reputation. If things are bad enough to cheat, they are bad enough to leave.
Author vnqsh2001 Posted January 2, 2009 Author Posted January 2, 2009 I enjoy money too. But I'm not going to go out and steal it from someone else to get it. Yeah, most people say that. You're not going to rob a bank, but what if you were given just the right circumstances? Say, for instance, that someone treated you very terribly and then accidentally dropped his wallet as he walked away. If you thought you weren't going to be caught and you thought the other person had somehow wronged you, wouldn't you be tempted to just take it? I think a lot of people would.
Author vnqsh2001 Posted January 2, 2009 Author Posted January 2, 2009 I was in a sexless marriage for years (my ex's choice) my biggest regret? that I remained faithful, celibate, sleeping on the sofa for the last year of the marriage. I wish I had cheated,I wished I'd taken the opportunties open to me.. and I wouldn't have made excuses,I'd have stood proudly in my ex's face and told him that I cheated.. because I wanted to, because I desired 6 inches of another man more than I respected him and that I didn't care who knew,who he told and that I wasn't anymore interested in hearing about his so called "pain" than he had been in hearing mine. No excuses and no remorse.. straight honest truth. Being a cheating whore would have been 1,0000 times better than sleeping on the sofa like an annoying dog banished from the bedroom in the house I paid for. I know exactly what you're saying. When my first wife cheated on me and left me, I felt like such a loser for staying faithful to her. For years after that I treated subsequent women with much less respect. I figured that it wasn't worth being so nice if people are just going to stab you in the back anyway. It took a long time for me to change that viewpoint and love again. I finally realized that I was allowing my anger to ruin my life. It wasn't fair to take that anger out on every other person I met and it wasn't what I really wanted. I was lonely even though I was with people.
soserious1 Posted January 2, 2009 Posted January 2, 2009 Most men that would be potential suitors would see it that way. Just as if I had cheated on my wife, being in the small town I live in, the decent women around here wouldn't care what my reasons for cheating would be if I had. All they would see is someone that cheated on his wife. Thats the same way I view the women in town and have been approached by a couple of them. Sorry, i didn't have any interest. don't ever drop your integrity and tarnish your reputation. If things are bad enough to cheat, they are bad enough to leave. I did leave the marriage but I've also left behind any illusions concerning marriage. I'm not interested in any more "potential suitors" I cannot afford to pay alimony to another ex-husband. I'm feeling really angry today.. after receiving yet another demand from the leech's lawyer... and coming to realise just how toxic the marriage was and what a number got done to my self-esteem.
Author vnqsh2001 Posted January 2, 2009 Author Posted January 2, 2009 Most men that would be potential suitors would see it that way. Just as if I had cheated on my wife, being in the small town I live in, the decent women around here wouldn't care what my reasons for cheating would be if I had. All they would see is someone that cheated on his wife. Thats the same way I view the women in town and have been approached by a couple of them. Sorry, i didn't have any interest. don't ever drop your integrity and tarnish your reputation. If things are bad enough to cheat, they are bad enough to leave. It's been said a thousand times before, two wrongs don't make a right. If you cheat because someone else cheated on you, you're still just a cheater. You're not going to maintain any moral high ground. In fact, you're going to make yourself into something worse than an adulterer. You're going to make yourself into a hypocritical adulterer.
Author vnqsh2001 Posted January 2, 2009 Author Posted January 2, 2009 I did leave the marriage but I've also left behind any illusions concerning marriage. I'm not interested in any more "potential suitors" I cannot afford to pay alimony to another ex-husband. I'm feeling really angry today.. after receiving yet another demand from the leech's lawyer... and coming to realise just how toxic the marriage was and what a number got done to my self-esteem. I'm sorry to hear about your disillusionment. I hope you at least find another fulfilling relationship that makes you happier. As for your anger, take a look around. You're not the only one. Men and women alike are filled with rage at every turn. At least one partner in every breakup has the cr@p beaten out of his/her self-esteem too.
soserious1 Posted January 2, 2009 Posted January 2, 2009 I'm sorry to hear about your disillusionment. I hope you at least find another fulfilling relationship that makes you happier. As for your anger, take a look around. You're not the only one. Men and women alike are filled with rage at every turn. At least one partner in every breakup has the cr@p beaten out of his/her self-esteem too. The only thing I walk away from this marriage with aside from an alimony obligation is the sure,certain knowledge that marriage isn't worth the cost.My ex walks away with alimony for life and he's already hooked up with a gal 22 yrs his junior. I get all the bills, 2 cats and my so called "honor" ,pretty sad consolation prize.
Dexter Morgan Posted January 2, 2009 Posted January 2, 2009 I'm sorry to hear about your disillusionment. I hope you at least find another fulfilling relationship that makes you happier. As for your anger, take a look around. You're not the only one. Men and women alike are filled with rage at every turn. At least one partner in every breakup has the cr@p beaten out of his/her self-esteem too. Yes, to soserious, don't let what that jackass did to you sour you on a good relationship if you truly would like to have another some day. I was treated like a jerk by my xW, but still believe in a good relationship. I'm just alot more guarded now and keep feelings in check.
Author vnqsh2001 Posted January 2, 2009 Author Posted January 2, 2009 The only thing I walk away from this marriage with aside from an alimony obligation is the sure,certain knowledge that marriage isn't worth the cost.My ex walks away with alimony for life and he's already hooked up with a gal 22 yrs his junior. I get all the bills, 2 cats and my so called "honor" ,pretty sad consolation prize. I take it you didn't have kids. Well, at least you are spared some agony. It's even worse as a man in this respect because you usually don't stand much of a chance to keep your own offspring.
Author vnqsh2001 Posted January 3, 2009 Author Posted January 3, 2009 I am his wife. Thanks everyone insulting me. I made a huge mistake to make things worse,i admit it. before we married.i said its ok sometimes that he flirting with girls. (cause i thought man could not fully faithful),now i know i was wrong ,the reason was cause probably in my deep heart i wanted flirting with some other man.(Now,i really think i did wrong begin with). So, when i pregnant, he had two mistress i got to crazy cause i didnt want he slept with other women when i pregnant. and he continue flirting with other girls (flriting means sex here )and forget go home oftently in the night.it pretty drove me crazy. finally i found he was flirting with my sister on the another bed room. it total loose my mind. i think i find the reason to get hurt finally and went out and sex with another man. Now,i recognize that all things just the excuses for me to be a slut. I made my husband could not sleep for months and drove him crazy, he could not sleep and eat well. I am in sin.Now, my husband asks me to check DNA with our son. So,i need find a hospital and get the DNA test. i am 100% sure its my husband's son. But i dont know whether we can continue the relationship after proved its his son.I want things get better bettwen us. its very hard though. I felt a bit hurt that he asked me check DNA with our son,so i acted alittle emotional, he got angry at it. he has to make clear again,i have no rights angry at him.if i get angry etc. it means i hiding sth or sth not tell yet. but i really told everything. So, when he insist i hiding sth based i have some emotion expression. i dont know how to response sometimes.Anyone has suggestion?
atwitsend Posted January 3, 2009 Posted January 3, 2009 Mrs. vnqsh. If you could read and answer these questions truthfully. You obviously set things in motion. Because you wanted to keep your ex boyfriend. You can't blame him for wanting a DNA test. You could have been bumping your boyfriend for your entire marriage. How was he to know. You actually knew he was texting you and calling you. As you were having lunch with your boyfriend. And you just shut off your phone and went to this guys apartment and ****ed him? He gets mad and thinks you're hiding things because you not only blatantly screwed this guy when your husband was trying to stop you. But then you lied to him for months. Right? Exactly why should he believe a thing you say? What makes him think you won't screw your ex boyfriend again? You literally rubbed his face in it. I am surprised that you didn't film it and send him the video. I know he loves you because of how crushed he is. Where is your boyfriend now? Do you think he is suffering like your husband? I doubt it. I say this to hopefully make you think of who actually loves you. And that maybe you will recommit yourselves to each other. But he will always look at you differently. That doesn't mean he won't love you. But when he looks at you from now on there will be a sadness in him. and a fear. A fear that if you ever get bored or mad that you will go looking for your boy friend again. What you have to do is be completely honest with him. COMPLETE HONESTY. That means if you have a problem or a concern in your marriage that you go to him and talk with him. It also means that if you ever feel like you're going to cheat on him again. That you will just ask him for a divorce before you put a stake in his heart again. He must love you very very much. If you were mine and had done what you did, I would have driven you down to the red light district and thrown you out at the nearest whore house. Man he must love you. NOW GO AND BE GOOD TO EACH OTHER. Your love will be the only thing that can save your marriage.
Author vnqsh2001 Posted January 3, 2009 Author Posted January 3, 2009 Jesus Christ! I can't believe I have to keep defending myself; even when I just type some stuff on a forum. She has absolutely no respect for my privacy or personal space, but she goes nuts when I intrude upon her in any way. Yes, she said it was harmless to flirt and even suggested that she would be ok if I happened to fool around one day. It quickly became obvious that she wasn't being true to her heart though, because she went ballistic at the first sight of other women getting friendly with me. She accused me of cheating all the time (takes one to suspect one sometimes), but I wasn't. I didn't forget to go home. I just got sick of arguing with her and I would go out to get some personal space. I would come home late, but I always came back (unlike her). One thing I didn't mention was how she treated me worse and worse during her affair; so I would spend less and less time with her. Things were starting to get bad just before she began sleeping with her ex again and went downhill from there.
lkjh Posted January 3, 2009 Posted January 3, 2009 Can I ask you if there is anything about her that makes all of this crap she has done worth it?
shippy Posted January 3, 2009 Posted January 3, 2009 Based on command of the written word, I give Mr. Vnqshed +1 and Mrs. Vnqshed 0. Did you have other lovers when the relationship was young or not Mr. V? If you did, it should make a little easier to heal from this event, I'd think. Its all so difficult to deal with. It took me two years to get over a similar experience, and I still look at my SO differently, and always will. The fear and mistrust lurks daily. But we are still together, and the good days are far more numerous than the bad. We don't have any children though, and because of this we are not married, and may never be, although that was the plan prior to the infidelity. Now that I've lost any and all illusions of a fairytale love, or the unwavering faithfulness my parents have shared, I'm playing it by ear, and recently the music has been pretty sweet. Being that you seem to have your head screwed on well, you'll be happy again sooner than later, with or without her.
Author vnqsh2001 Posted January 3, 2009 Author Posted January 3, 2009 Can I ask you if there is anything about her that makes all of this crap she has done worth it? Sure, there is. I could make quite a list of all the things I love about her, but I'm really not in the mood for that right now. I think you can probably understand why. Would it be ok if I simply said she is hot?
Author vnqsh2001 Posted January 3, 2009 Author Posted January 3, 2009 Based on command of the written word, I give Mr. Vnqshed +1 and Mrs. Vnqshed 0. In her defense, English is not her native language. Did you have other lovers when the relationship was young or not Mr. V? If you did, it should make a little easier to heal from this event, I'd think. There have been several who tried to get close to me but that's it. It was an ego boost for me and nothing more. I would have discouraged it more if not for the fact that she had told me that it would be ok. They are already ancient history though.
Author vnqsh2001 Posted January 3, 2009 Author Posted January 3, 2009 This is his wife again. You are all right. I did terrible thing. What I was done is just like killing a person. No excuse. I know that.
Author vnqsh2001 Posted January 3, 2009 Author Posted January 3, 2009 He gets mad and thinks you're hiding things because you not only blatantly screwed this guy when your husband was trying to stop you. But then you lied to him for months. Right? Exactly why should he believe a thing you say? Right. Should believe nothing. What makes him think you won't screw your ex boyfriend again? You literally rubbed his face in it. I am surprised that you didn't film it and send him the video. Nothing to makes him. Whore nothing to believe good. Only can think bad. I am a monster. I know he loves you because of how crushed he is. Where is your boyfriend now? Do you think he is suffering like your husband? I doubt it. I say this to hopefully make you think of who actually loves you. And that maybe you will recommit yourselves to each other. I don't think and care bf love me or not, he was just tool to comfort me. This question no sense to me. If you were mine and had done what you did, I would have driven you down to the red light district and thrown you out at the nearest whore house. Man he must love you. K. He should do it then maybe.
Recommended Posts