Problems with fiance

[james123]

one thing, how is the physical side, as in the sexual stuff, going?

dont get me wrong, i mean that if he is not even trying to sleep with you these days then you ll have to work on the relationship a lot more as that would be a terrible sign from a man.

[carhill]

if he is not even trying to sleep with you these days then you ll have to work on the relationship a lot more as that would be a terrible sign from a man.

OP, I hate to say it, but James is right. I live it. It's a clear sign of one of two things, IMO: Loss of love (emotional disconnection) or an affair. The work is so, so much harder. Hope you're getting chased around the flat in your maid outfit, seriously

[sugar_and_spice]

one thing, how is the physical side, as in the sexual stuff, going?

dont get me wrong, i mean that if he is not even trying to sleep with you these days then you ll have to work on the relationship a lot more as that would be a terrible sign from a man.

it would be quite rich of him to be nasty to her, keep fighting yet still expect her to have sex.

[carhill]

I've known plenty of guys who do it and their women stay with them. The OP's early postings in this thread reminded me eerily of a similar dynamic from my own life experience. It was not the content, but the cadence and tone, almost like she had become numb to the circumstance.

[sugar_and_spice]

I've known plenty of guys who do it and their women stay with them. The OP's early postings in this thread reminded me eerily of a similar dynamic from my own life experience. It was not the content, but the cadence and tone, almost like she had become numb to the circumstance.

 

er what? i didn't get what you meant or what you are referring to.

[james123]

I've known plenty of guys who do it and their women stay with them. The OP's early postings in this thread reminded me eerily of a similar dynamic from my own life experience. It was not the content, but the cadence and tone, almost like she had become numb to the circumstance.

interesting you mean he's emotionally abusive?

[carhill]

The thread is voluminous but, if you read the OP's postings from the beginning, you'll see a change. Perhaps she can comment on it. Hard to explain. Then the evening he came over with the roses and chocolates. His demeanor and how she felt about it.

 

IMO, abuse is too strong a word, since for most people that's yelling or hitting. But there's something else going on. There's more than issues with a business partner. The OP has provided little hints here and there but I'd have to go back and isolate the words/phrases.

 

Hopefully when she's up in the morning, she'll have an update...

[james123]

The thread is voluminous but, if you read the OP's postings from the beginning, you'll see a change. Perhaps she can comment on it. Hard to explain. Then the evening he came over with the roses and chocolates. His demeanor and how she felt about it.

 

IMO, abuse is too strong a word, since for most people that's yelling or hitting. But there's something else going on. There's more than issues with a business partner. The OP has provided little hints here and there but I'd have to go back and isolate the words/phrases.

 

Hopefully when she's up in the morning, she'll have an update...

 

more issues than this business partner? I recall her saying that they loved each other a lot but it was just this problem.

What do you mean about the roses and chocolates? You think her posts changed after that or the guy's behaviour changed?

She provided hints about what?

the flow seems fine to me, but I'm not the most observant person so...

[ella23]

The thread is voluminous but, if you read the OP's postings from the beginning, you'll see a change. Perhaps she can comment on it. Hard to explain. Then the evening he came over with the roses and chocolates. His demeanor and how she felt about it.

 

IMO, abuse is too strong a word, since for most people that's yelling or hitting. But there's something else going on. There's more than issues with a business partner. The OP has provided little hints here and there but I'd have to go back and isolate the words/phrases.

 

Hopefully when she's up in the morning, she'll have an update...

 

If you mean she sounded scared of him earlier, then I agree.

[carhill]

Combination of fear (not of violence but of feeling controlled or out of her own control) and a disconnection from the immediacy of the dynamic, almost like she was a spectator rather than a participant. Powerlessness.

 

You can feel all these things with someone you love. I have. It's not healthy, or at least wasn't for me. We're about two weeks into this thread, a mere hand tick on the timeline of a LTR.

 

OP, do you have a firm date for the wedding yet? I don't recall you mentioning that. Sorry for any repetition. If so, is it soon, like within the next six months?

[ella23]

Combination of fear (not of violence but of feeling controlled or out of her own control) and a disconnection from the immediacy of the dynamic, almost like she was a spectator rather than a participant. Powerlessness.

 

You can feel all these things with someone you love. I have. It's not healthy, or at least wasn't for me. We're about two weeks into this thread, a mere hand tick on the timeline of a LTR.

 

OP, do you have a firm date for the wedding yet? I don't recall you mentioning that. Sorry for any repetition. If so, is it soon, like within the next six months?

 

yeah, since the chocolates and roses evening, she has been a lot more relaxed and more confident about this man?

[carhill]

one thing, how is the physical side, as in the sexual stuff, going?

dont get me wrong, i mean that if he is not even trying to sleep with you these days then you ll have to work on the relationship a lot more as that would be a terrible sign from a man.

Hey, I found this quote by the OP

He likes to get physical more often than I do, so we both have compromised a bit there.

 

So, that would indicate that the maid outfit is indeed working and their sex life continues to be healthy. Glad to read that and sorry I missed on first go-around.

 

yeah, since the chocolates and roses evening, she has been a lot more relaxed and more confident about this man?

 

IDK, my take is she seems more confident about herself and she's become more open and animated here, both in her postings to this thread and others.

 

What I'm "worried" about is the rubber band effect, where she gains strength and then, with pushing the right buttons, he saps it back out of her. She loses her resolve. I've seen this dynamic in myself. It's only been with MC that I can sort the mind f*cks out from the sincere actions and words.

[ella23]

 

 

So, that would indicate that the maid outfit is indeed working and their sex life continues to be healthy. Glad to read that and sorry I missed on first go-around.

 

 

 

I thought that comment was about how she has compromised in the past already:confused:

She also said that they fight and sleep off everyday, hardly sounds like any sort of sex

[carhill]

Maybe so. Hopefully she'll clarify it. I gleaned it from a list of a number of things she and her fiance had compromised on and didn't get the sense that it was a historical document, as in not reflective of their current dynamic. I do recall her posting late at night UK-time, but don't remember if he was there those nights or not. 388 posts and my mind gets a little muddy

[sugar_and_spice]

don't worry you can ask her when she comes online

she won't be posting if they were having sex though

 

BTW I told OP to start a "Problems with Fiance part 2 " thread, but nobody listens to me!

[james123]

if she needs another 400 posts worth of advice, then she'll start one.

[aaron12]

OP, I hate to say it, but James is right. I live it. It's a clear sign of one of two things, IMO: Loss of love (emotional disconnection) or an affair. The work is so, so much harder. Hope you're getting chased around the flat in your maid outfit, seriously

lol @ maid outfit.

 

Seriously though, this is true. But I also have to say that from what she wrote on the previous 3 pages(admittedly I have only read a few), it doesn't look like they are interested in sleeping with each other and keep having fights!

 

To Sally,

why are you out to bite me? It's just my opinion.

[dnm]

I know it feels like that right now, but if it comes down to it and he walks - his love wasn't good enough. You were willing to marry him as is so you shouldn't feel bad about loosing someone who couldn't say the same.

 

Keep you're head up girl. You set your own value. Don't get haggled down by a bargain hunter.

Yeah, like I said previously, I do sometimes think I love him more than he loves me, so I'm prepared for that, should it happen.

 

Perhaps a better way of explaining is if you read my Evolution series of journals, starting with this one.

 

No, I wasn't away or separated. My wife had buried herself in her business and with her friends while I dealt with caring for my mother. I tried to reach her in every way possible for me at the time, then, after about a year, gave up and contacted my old friend.

 

You know how you seem to be talking to a wall sometimes, with your fiance? That's how it felt to me at the time. MC helped me define that wall and to accept my own bricks in that wall.

 

Hopefully, you'll fare better

I read quite a bit of your journal, you write really well. I was a bit surprised at how open you were about everything in it, right from virginity to emotional affairs!

 

 

OP, I hate to say it, but James is right. I live it. It's a clear sign of one of two things, IMO: Loss of love (emotional disconnection) or an affair. The work is so, so much harder. Hope you're getting chased around the flat in your maid outfit, seriously

 

one thing, how is the physical side, as in the sexual stuff, going?

dont get me wrong, i mean that if he is not even trying to sleep with you these days then you ll have to work on the relationship a lot more as that would be a terrible sign from a man.

 

It was not the content, but the cadence and tone, almost like she had become numb to the circumstance.

hmm.

See, the physical/sexual side was non-existent for a while, and yes, he didn't 'try' to sleep with me for a while (To be frank, I was grateful because I don't feel up to it when I'm emotionally messed up. Can't separate the two, unlike my fiance, so I don't know if the emotional disconnection bit holds true for him).

That's changed in the past 3-4 days though.

 

 

The thread is voluminous but, if you read the OP's postings from the beginning, you'll see a change. Perhaps she can comment on it. Hard to explain. Then the evening he came over with the roses and chocolates. His demeanor and how she felt about it.

 

IMO, abuse is too strong a word, since for most people that's yelling or hitting. But there's something else going on. There's more than issues with a business partner. The OP has provided little hints here and there but I'd have to go back and isolate the words/phrases.

 

Yes, my behaviour probably did change since that evening, because his demeanour has changed so much. Yesterday he didn't mention my business or my business partner even once. And we didn't argue. Apart from yesterday, I can't recall a single day in the past few weeks when we didn't fight. I think he's trying to mend our relationship, not sure though. I mean, I am happy about it, but I don't want to be too optimistic.

 

I'm not sure what you are referring to as the other issues...?

 

If you mean she sounded scared of him earlier, then I agree.

I wasn't/am not scared of him. I felt, well, I didn't feel anything-so yeah, numb is perhaps the right word.

And he is not abusive!

 

 

OP, do you have a firm date for the wedding yet? I don't recall you mentioning that. Sorry for any repetition. If so, is it soon, like within the next six months?

Nope, no wedding date. Not before the end of this year. When we got engaged he was talking about us moving in together. I'm not going to do that for now though. Not for a while.

 

Hey, I found this quote by the OP

 

What I'm "worried" about is the rubber band effect, where she gains strength and then, with pushing the right buttons, he saps it back out of her. She loses her resolve. I've seen this dynamic in myself. It's only been with MC that I can sort the mind f*cks out from the sincere actions and words.

That post was about what changes I had made in my life for my fiance's sake. Someone had asked me to.

You're more or less right about the 'rubber band effect'.

[james123]

Hmm, is it just me or are you becoming indifferent towards him?

[sugar_and_spice]

That's changed in the past 3-4 days though.

so you refused or did sleep with him?

[ella23]

 

 

 

 

hmm.

See, the physical/sexual side was non-existent for a while, and yes, he didn't 'try' to sleep with me for a while (To be frank, I was grateful because I don't feel up to it when I'm emotionally messed up. Can't separate the two, unlike my fiance, so I don't know if the emotional disconnection bit holds true for him).

That's changed in the past 3-4 days though.

 

 

thought so.

[christian6]

But why are you just ignoring the problem? Nothing will be fine in the long term if you don't talk about it.

[carhill]

Unless both parties are willing to communicate (and listen) in an open and accepting manner, "talking" amounts to little more than oration. Trust me I know

 

OP, sorry to hear I was wrong about the intimacy part. That sucks I think it's possible to retain intimacy if both parties feel emotionally close and heard, even when working through serious issues like these. It's part of the "team theory" I subscribe to. Hope that changes (or is changing now) and recent days are signs of healthier times in that regard.

[dnm]

Hmm, is it just me or are you becoming indifferent towards him?

Possibly.

so you refused or did sleep with him?

I did.

thought so.

um ok.

But why are you just ignoring the problem? Nothing will be fine in the long term if you don't talk about it.

I'm not ignoring anything, but I've just come to a point where I'm too tired to bother that much.

Unless both parties are willing to communicate (and listen) in an open and accepting manner, "talking" amounts to little more than oration. Trust me I know

 

OP, sorry to hear I was wrong about the intimacy part. That sucks I think it's possible to retain intimacy if both parties feel emotionally close and heard, even when working through serious issues like these. It's part of the "team theory" I subscribe to. Hope that changes (or is changing now) and recent days are signs of healthier times in that regard.

I tried that, he's been making a lot of effort, but we aren't getting anywhere about the serious issues.

I haven't been able to work properly for so long and like I said, don't feel like bothering anymore.

[dnm]

Unless both parties are willing to communicate (and listen) in an open and accepting manner, "talking" amounts to little more than oration. Trust me I know

 

Besides, just one person can't want to communicate. Eariler he was always arguing over it,now he doesn't want to discuss it all.