Problems with fiance

[carhill]

Are you still taking MC?

 

We went for a little over a year. Stopped this past October. I learned a lot. My wife didn't see the point in going anymore and it was getting expensive, at 100USD per session. Maybe I'm "fixed"

 

Seriously, it was almost six months before I saw real quantifiable changes in myself.

 

Your description of being emotionally drained rings true. One can bend only so much. The MC made that dynamic the main topics of work during a whole month period (4 sessions). Learning how to bend in a positive manner.

[norajane]

Well, there are quite a few things. I don't interact with male friends much and have cut off contact with an ex who was a good friend. I don't interact much with my business partner either unless it's about work.

I started showing my fiance my emails and all to make him less insecure.

I enjoy socialising with friends a lot, but he doesn't unless it is networking for work, so I don't go out that much.

I dress the way he likes, i.e. more feminine than before.

I have also tried to work on my temperament, because we are both short tempered and that is not very good when you are in a long term relationship.

He likes to get physical more often than I do, so we both have compromised a bit there.

And when we are together, we do things that he wants more often.

And generally other small things.

Now he didn't get after me or force me to make those changes, but it won't hurt to be more appreciative, would it?

I wasn't bothered much about him not doing that earlier, so maybe I'm just overreacting now because I'm emotionally drained.

 

Are you willing to sign up for a lifetime of that?

[dnm]

We went for a little over a year. Stopped this past October. I learned a lot. My wife didn't see the point in going anymore and it was getting expensive, at 100USD per session. Maybe I'm "fixed"

 

Seriously, it was almost six months before I saw real quantifiable changes in myself.

 

What about your wife? Were there any changes in her after taking counselling?

There won't be any point in taking my fiance if it doesn't help him considering how he only tends to listen to himself not others(if he ever agrees to go).

 

Are you willing to sign up for a lifetime of that?

 

Some of them do annoy me.

But I did many things on my own, so it's okay. I am used to most now.

[sugar_and_spice]

 

 

Well a little bit yeah. He apologised for the other night as well. And he called up a few minutes ago like nothing happened last night. I do wonder if that's a good thing or bad one?

 

Sweet of him to do that, cz he sounds egoistical(sorry but he does!).

I guess it's a good thing. Maybe he really wants to work things out? Not sure.

[carhill]

What about your wife? Were there any changes in her after taking counselling?

Most of the quantifiable changes have occurred after I helped her buy a house closer to her business and made it clear we are done if I feel my needs (mainly emotional intimacy) aren't being met. The closer to the writing on the wall becoming reality, the more it becomes visible. The main difference between you and me is that my love for my wife is essentially dead. MC was, for me, to clarify why and to work on myself to become a better partner for her or anyone else. Your situation is completely different. Still, IMO, the psychological work is worth the effort.

[sally4sara]

Well, there are quite a few things. I don't interact with male friends much and have cut off contact with an ex who was a good friend. I don't interact much with my business partner either unless it's about work.

I started showing my fiance my emails and all to make him less insecure.

I enjoy socialising with friends a lot, but he doesn't unless it is networking for work, so I don't go out that much.

I dress the way he likes, i.e. more feminine than before.

I have also tried to work on my temperament, because we are both short tempered and that is not very good when you are in a long term relationship.

He likes to get physical more often than I do, so we both have compromised a bit there.

And when we are together, we do things that he wants more often.

And generally other small things.

Now he didn't get after me or force me to make those changes, but it won't hurt to be more appreciative, would it?

I wasn't bothered much about him not doing that earlier, so maybe I'm just overreacting now because I'm emotionally drained.

 

These aspects are the same as when I dated a controlling, territorial guy. If he wants to see your emails, you can be sure any chance he gets, he is snooping your phone too. Maybe he watched you type in your password so he can check solo just in case you only share after cleaning your inbox up.

Has he ever suggested something you're wearing is "too sexy" or inappropriate and not just feminine? What would happen if you tried to adjust his wardrobe? And I don't just mean a new color of tie.

When you do get to go out with your friends, does he call you a few times thru the nite especially later towards closing time? Does he ask about who was there and what went on or do you just offer that info? If you just offer, is it a new thing you do only in this relationship? I started noticing I would do things like that because I started expecting to get questioned and to prevent a fight. In this way, I was getting programmed to have absolutely no privacy or choices of my own. I didn't get to pick my friends or entertainment either.

Usually doing things he liked became only things he liked over time.

 

And while you should try to control your temper because it is an improvement to anyone's personality.....why isn't he doing the same instead of you just eliminating his triggers? example: no guy friends, share emails, not socialize and do what he wants to do, etc. He can't work on his temper this way. It is just as important for you to approve of his potential as a partner as he does of you. And if the two of you can't come to terms with that, what chance do you have of a good marriage?

[dnm]

Most of the quantifiable changes have occurred after I helped her buy a house closer to her business and made it clear we are done if I feel my needs (mainly emotional intimacy) aren't being met. The closer to the writing on the wall becoming reality, the more it becomes visible. The main difference between you and me is that my love for my wife is essentially dead. MC was, for me, to clarify why and to work on myself to become a better partner for her or anyone else. Your situation is completely different. Still, IMO, the psychological work is worth the effort.

Oh, I'm sorry. Have you stayed on because of you have children? How can you have emotional intimacy if you are no longer in love with your wife?

 

These aspects are the same as when I dated a controlling, territorial guy. If he wants to see your emails, you can be sure any chance he gets, he is snooping your phone too. Maybe he watched you type in your password so he can check solo just in case you only share after cleaning your inbox up.

Has he ever suggested something you're wearing is "too sexy" or inappropriate and not just feminine? What would happen if you tried to adjust his wardrobe? And I don't just mean a new color of tie.

When you do get to go out with your friends, does he call you a few times thru the nite especially later towards closing time? Does he ask about who was there and what went on or do you just offer that info? If you just offer, is it a new thing you do only in this relationship? I started noticing I would do things like that because I started expecting to get questioned and to prevent a fight. In this way, I was getting programmed to have absolutely no privacy or choices of my own. I didn't get to pick my friends or entertainment either.

Usually doing things he liked became only things he liked over time.

 

And while you should try to control your temper because it is an improvement to anyone's personality.....why isn't he doing the same instead of you just eliminating his triggers? example: no guy friends, share emails, not socialize and do what he wants to do, etc. He can't work on his temper this way. It is just as important for you to approve of his potential as a partner as he does of you. And if the two of you can't come to terms with that, what chance do you have of a good marriage?

No, he doesn't complain when he thinks I'm looking "too sexy", just prefers me in skirts and dresses.

 

He used to call me up quite a few times even when I was out partying with female friends, though he doesn't do that anymore. What happened was that he used to keep asking me who was there with me, for how long I was going to be away, if any male friends would be there, even if he could join me later , etc, so I asked him if he would like if I did the same when he is out with his friends. All that didn't work, so I just told him I was leaving and that I didn't want to be with him(this was about 9 months ago). I didn't actually mean it, but at that time he took it seriously, and called me a zillion times a day to apologise and said he would work on his behaviour. So I got back with him, and he stopped calling up and asking all those questions all the time. But being an idiot, I told him that I never intended to leave him.

 

Which is why I think he doesn't believe me when I say I will leave if he sticks to the ultimatum. I may be wrong, but I think this is at least partly true.

 

I used to make efforts to adjust to previous boyfriends, too, but not to this extent, I guess.

[sally4sara]

 

He used to call me up quite a few times even when I was out partying with female friends, though he doesn't do that anymore. What happened was that he used to keep asking me who was there with me, for how long I was going to be away, if any male friends would be there, even if he could join me later , etc, so I asked him if he would like if I did the same when he is out with his friends. All that didn't work, so I just told him I was leaving and that I didn't want to be with him(this was about 9 months ago). I didn't actually mean it, but at that time he took it seriously, and called me a zillion times a day to apologise and said he would work on his behaviour. So I got back with him, and he stopped calling up and asking all those questions all the time. But being an idiot, I told him that I never intended to leave him.

 

Which is why I think he doesn't believe me when I say I will leave if he sticks to the ultimatum. I may be wrong, but I think this is at least partly true.

 

I used to make efforts to adjust to previous boyfriends, too, but not to this extent, I guess.

 

And what is the likelihood of him taking you seriously about leaving if you get married to him and something he does is really unacceptable to you or he goes back to doing these things again? You already know he won't like going to counseling over it.

 

I don't think it bodes well that both of you already operate by ultimatums and threats. That stuff can't get pulled so easily once you're married because of how difficult it is to back it up. If you give up your business and get married, your threats will carry even less weight because you might not have the money to back them up let alone the stomach for divorce to follow through.

[dnm]

And what is the likelihood of him taking you seriously about leaving if you get married to him and something he does is really unacceptable to you or he goes back to doing these things again? You already know he won't like going to counseling over it.

 

I don't think it bodes well that both of you already operate by ultimatums and threats. That stuff can't get pulled so easily once you're married because of how difficult it is to back it up. If you give up your business and get married, your threats will carry even less weight because you might not have the money to back them up let alone the stomach for divorce to follow through.

hmm the threat was just that once to get his behaviour sorted, I figured it was the only thing that would work on him. It was not what I actually wanted to do, but there were no other options.

You're right though that if I give up my business and get married, then he won't believe me at all.

 

I am still trying to get him to agree to counselling.

 

The weird bit is that he is again at my home tonight and our relationship continues to be awkward because of his ultimatum. I know I should act, do something to move ahead, but I kind of feel stuck.

[sally4sara]

I am still trying to get him to agree to counselling.

 

The weird bit is that he is again at my home tonight and our relationship continues to be awkward because of his ultimatum. I know I should act, do something to move ahead, but I kind of feel stuck.

 

You're going to have to let him know sooner or later what you intend to do. Do you know yet what you're going to do?

 

I'd just tell him I had no intention of giving it up and if he still wishes to remain in the relationship and be engaged, I'd go to counseling with him to help him accept that. If not - there's the door.

 

But that's just me and my unwillingness to deal with controlling people.

 

You do you and be glad to do it too otherwise it isn't you.

[aaron12]

I'm not. He has never hit on me, and no, I'm not just saying this to emphasise on my innocence.

it could happen, the chances are very high, be careful.

[sally4sara]

it could happen, the chances are very high, be careful.

 

You could poke your eardrum out with a q-tip, but do you still clean your ears?

 

So what if her BP might one day decide to make a pass at her? I'm sure someone has made a pass at her since she started dating the guy shes currently with, it didn't mean she had to oblige them or that they couldn't take no for an answer.

 

Geez!

[carhill]

Oh, I'm sorry. Have you stayed on because of you have children? How can you have emotional intimacy if you are no longer in love with your wife?

 

Thanks. No children; wanted some, not in the cards. My mom had a stroke and developed psychotic dementia before we could adopt any. My wife pulled away during the period I was caring for my mother. I outlined my circumstance in a recent thread on nursing homes. At a very low point, I contacted an old female friend and had what LS'ers call an EA. She was a platonic friend from 20 years ago. She encouraged me to try MC, as therapy had helped her. I thought it reasonable to attempt to recapture the intimacy and love with my through a couple years of work and MC. As my friend told me, if it (the love) was there in the beginning, it can be found again if both partners are willing. A tragic life-altering event intervened, so it's only fair to give the dynamic the benefit of the doubt.

 

If I were in your fiance's shoes, even if I thought your BP arrangement to be inappropriate (I don't), I'd still think it reasonable to try PMC to find a middle ground or at least learn some tools to better relate. I wish that for your fiance. I hope he sees the light.

[Cherry Blossom 35]

You could poke your eardrum out with a q-tip, but do you still clean your ears?

 

:

 

LOL! :lmao:

[christian6]

You could poke your eardrum out with a q-tip, but do you still clean your ears?

 

#

 

lol

 

 

God, OP, all that happens is that he comes to your house, you talk, fight and go to sleep!

Time to do something to make changes!

[james123]

Yes, she must be lying, because no guy could ever just be a friend and a business partner. Are you for real?

 

Come on. It's called an opinion. BTW, he's right in a way: It is not a coincidence that it is usually men who say platonic relationships don't exist and the women who say they do.

 

And yeah, you guys seem to have a boring schedule these days lol

[ella23]

Look, I think you need to make it clear to your partner that you won't stay with him if he doesn't back off and take back the demand he's making. You are being unfair to yourself and to him by not doing that.

I find it funny that some of the people here who were previously stating that they don't agree with platonic relationships are saying this business arrangement is fine, considering she probably spends more time with him this way than she would as a friend.

[dnm]

Look, I think you need to make it clear to your partner that you won't stay with him if he doesn't back off and take back the demand he's making. You are being unfair to yourself and to him by not doing that.

That is exactly what I'm trying to do.

 

 

 

 

Time to do something to make changes!

I'm trying.

 

Thanks. No children; wanted some, not in the cards. My mom had a stroke and developed psychotic dementia before we could adopt any. My wife pulled away during the period I was caring for my mother. I outlined my circumstance in a recent thread on nursing homes. At a very low point, I contacted an old female friend and had what LS'ers call an EA. She was a platonic friend from 20 years ago. She encouraged me to try MC, as therapy had helped her. I thought it reasonable to attempt to recapture the intimacy and love with my through a couple years of work and MC. As my friend told me, if it (the love) was there in the beginning, it can be found again if both partners are willing. A tragic life-altering event intervened, so it's only fair to give the dynamic the benefit of the doubt.

That's terrible, how is your mother now?

What is an EA?

I still don't quite understand why you are still in the marriage, but yeah, it's great that you are trying to work things out.

 

If I were in your fiance's shoes, even if I thought your BP arrangement to be inappropriate (I don't), I'd still think it reasonable to try PMC to find a middle ground or at least learn some tools to better relate. I wish that for your fiance. I hope he sees the light.

Yes, hopefully. I don't see it happening though...

 

So what if her BP might one day decide to make a pass at her? I'm sure someone has made a pass at her since she started dating the guy shes currently with, it didn't mean she had to oblige them or that they couldn't take no for an answer.

 

Geez!

Thank you.

 

You're going to have to let him know sooner or later what you intend to do. Do you know yet what you're going to do?

 

I know I have to do something sooner or later, I wish I could make up mind. But it would be my loss both ways.

[Cherry Blossom 35]

EA= Emotional affair.

[carhill]

That's terrible, how is your mother now?

What is an EA?

I still don't quite understand why you are still in the marriage, but yeah, it's great that you are trying to work things out.

 

She's in a locked dementia facility with skilled nursing for psychosis. Health good. Mentally, she's toast. Body hasn't caught up with mind yet.

 

EA= Emotional Affair or, as our MC put it, inappropriate emotional attachment

 

Main reasons for remaining are/were, and lessening with time, damage to me emotionally and financially from caring for a mentally ill person. Unless you've done it, it's hard to understand. Nearly bankrupted me, not to mention the sleep deprivation and emotional stress. If I had divorced during that period of "not being myself", I would have piled the stress of divorce on top of all the other stress and likely would've checked out . MC saved my sanity, literally. Now, if we D, it will be from a much healthier POV, for both of us. My wife went through a lot, even though she disconnected from my situation emotionally. Like I said prior, not relevant to your situation, other than perhaps the value of professional counseling in helping you both make a reasoned decision.

 

You sound like a thoughtful woman. You gather information and make a reasoned decision. This takes time. I am much that way. When the time is right and the proper information is gathered, we act. I wish you well

[ella23]

=

 

Yes, hopefully. I don't see it happening though...

 

 

Thank you.

 

 

I know I have to do something sooner or later, I wish I could make up mind. But it would be my loss both ways.

 

How does your fiance expect to solve your problems then?

Does he(and you) plan to follow the fight and make up and fight again routine everyday?

[dnm]

She's in a locked dementia facility with skilled nursing for psychosis. Health good. Mentally, she's toast. Body hasn't caught up with mind yet.

 

EA= Emotional Affair or, as our MC put it, inappropriate emotional attachment

 

Main reasons for remaining are/were, and lessening with time, damage to me emotionally and financially from caring for a mentally ill person. Unless you've done it, it's hard to understand. Nearly bankrupted me, not to mention the sleep deprivation and emotional stress. If I had divorced during that period of "not being myself", I would have piled the stress of divorce on top of all the other stress and likely would've checked out . MC saved my sanity, literally. Now, if we D, it will be from a much healthier POV, for both of us. My wife went through a lot, even though she disconnected from my situation emotionally. Like I said prior, not relevant to your situation, other than perhaps the value of professional counseling in helping you both make a reasoned decision.

 

You sound like a thoughtful woman. You gather information and make a reasoned decision. This takes time. I am much that way. When the time is right and the proper information is gathered, we act. I wish you well

I hope things get better for you, too.

 

I had never heard of the term emotional affairs as such before coming to this site.

Were you away from your wife or seperated when you had the emotional affair?

I know there are not many similarities in my situations, but I can sort of relate.

 

 

EA= Emotional affair.

Thanks.

How does your fiance expect to solve your problems then?

Does he(and you) plan to follow the fight and make up and fight again routine everyday?

I wish I knew. But no, I don't plan to fight all the time.

Today has been a little better considering he hasn't brought up my business partner at all. No idea why or even whether it is a good sign but I feel relieved. He's being the best he has been with me in the past three weeks since our engagement, or rather since he asked me to leave my job.

[carhill]

I hope things get better for you, too.

 

I had never heard of the term emotional affairs as such before coming to this site.

Were you away from your wife or seperated when you had the emotional affair?

I know there are not many similarities in my situations, but I can sort of relate.

Perhaps a better way of explaining is if you read my Evolution series of journals, starting with this one.

 

No, I wasn't away or separated. My wife had buried herself in her business and with her friends while I dealt with caring for my mother. I tried to reach her in every way possible for me at the time, then, after about a year, gave up and contacted my old friend.

 

You know how you seem to be talking to a wall sometimes, with your fiance? That's how it felt to me at the time. MC helped me define that wall and to accept my own bricks in that wall.

 

Hopefully, you'll fare better

[sally4sara]

I know I have to do something sooner or later, I wish I could make up mind. But it would be my loss both ways.

 

I know it feels like that right now, but if it comes down to it and he walks - his love wasn't good enough. You were willing to marry him as is so you shouldn't feel bad about loosing someone who couldn't say the same.

 

Keep you're head up girl. You set your own value. Don't get haggled down by a bargain hunter.

[ella23]

I know it feels like that right now, but if it comes down to it and he walks - his love wasn't good enough. You were willing to marry him as is so you shouldn't feel bad about loosing someone who couldn't say the same.

 

Keep you're head up girl. You set your own value. Don't get haggled down by a bargain hunter.

 

I can't say I agree with the business arrangement, but I do agree that she shouldn't make too many compromises.