Problems with fiance

[norajane]

what a useful post. not.

 

why do you people try to speak for everyone?

 

Seriously! How exasperating.

 

And, please note, the woman in that scenario, apparently, has no mind or will of her own. As if she has no say in the matter. As if she HAS to cheat just because some guy might have a glimmer of interest in her. As if she can't say NO.

[norajane]

It's a good idea but now he's coming over. Should I just not talk again like yesterday ?

 

Dnm, I think you should be kind and loving to your fiancee. Don't be cold and silent.

 

BUT, stand firm on what you believe is right for you. If you do not want to give up your business, stand firm on that.

 

But still be kind to him. SHOW him what it means to love someone even when you don't agree with him.

[Cherry Blossom 35]

what a useful post. not.

 

why do you people try to speak for everyone?

 

 

That poster is probably about 16 years old, haha.

[carhill]

It's a good idea but now he's coming over. Should I just not talk again like yesterday ?

Guess you already made the decision and he's there, but I would've "forgotten I had to go out shopping" or something like that.

 

I don't want to invoke the silence sandwich here, but I gotta tell you sometimes that's the best thing to do when reasonable means aren't promoting any recognizable engagement and/or understanding.

[carhill]

Dnm, I think you should be kind and loving to your fiancee. Don't be cold and silent.

 

BUT, stand firm on what you believe is right for you. If you do not want to give up your business, stand firm on that.

 

But still be kind to him. SHOW him what it means to love someone even when you don't agree with him.

NJ, I've been trying your suggestion for about two months now with my wife, as part of the work from MC, and I gotta tell you that it's made no recognizable changes in her behavior. All it does is suck the love and life energy outta me. I end up feeling, other than a bit of satisfaction from taking the high road, used. I wish the OP better success and thanks for suggesting an alternative I could not bring myself to do.

[aaron12]

Seriously! How exasperating.

 

And, please note, the woman in that scenario, apparently, has no mind or will of her own. As if she has no say in the matter. As if she HAS to cheat just because some guy might have a glimmer of interest in her. As if she can't say NO.

I'm sorry, I didn't mean she will cheat on her man, but that she should be careful because guys aren't sincere about platonic relationships, as they have no intentions to keep them that way.

[norajane]

NJ, I've been trying your suggestion for about two months now with my wife, as part of the work from MC, and I gotta tell you that it's made no recognizable changes in her behavior. All it does is suck the love and life energy outta me. I end up feeling, other than a bit of satisfaction from taking the high road, used. I wish the OP better success and thanks for suggesting an alternative I could not bring myself to do.

 

She's got a lot at stake. She does want to marry this guy and she does love him. So, standing firm on her needs is very important, but she doesn't need to be cold to him. One of them needs to act like an adult here, and if it doesn't work, at least she'll know she gave it her best.

 

And if she sees that he remains cold to her even as she stays warm to him, well, then she has a much better idea of what lies ahead of her if they were to marry.

 

I'm sorry things are rough with you and your wife, but you two have a lot of water under the bridge, so it's much harder to change ingrained patters of behavior and deal with long-standing issues. These two are just starting out...

[norajane]

I'm sorry, I didn't mean she will cheat on her man, but that she should be careful because guys aren't sincere about platonic relationships, as they have no intentions to keep them that way.

 

And yet, they've kept it purely platonic as they've run their business for the past 6 years.

 

I think that's a pretty good track record.

[aaron12]

And yet, they've kept it purely platonic as they've run their business for the past 6 years.

 

I think that's a pretty good track record.

that must be entirely down to her resisting him. men have different ideas about "platonic" friends.

[Cherry Blossom 35]

What planet do you live on, Aaron? Planet 1950? Women and men have platonic relationships all the time.

[norajane]

that must be entirely down to her resisting him. men have different ideas about "platonic" friends.

 

She says nothing along those lines ever came up.

[aaron12]

She says nothing along those lines ever came up.

she must be saying that to emphasize on her innocence.

[aaron12]

What planet do you live on, Aaron? Planet 1950? Women and men have platonic relationships all the time.

most men will admit that they are looking for more than friendship.

[dashing daisy]

she must be saying that to emphasize on her innocence.

 

Yes, she must be lying, because no guy could ever just be a friend and a business partner. Are you for real?

[norajane]

she must be saying that to emphasize on her innocence.

 

So now you are saying she's a liar?

[aaron12]

Yes, she must be lying, because no guy could ever just be a friend and a business partner. Are you for real?

speaking from what I've seen and heard a lot.

[dnm]

Dnm, I think you should be kind and loving to your fiancee. Don't be cold and silent.

 

BUT, stand firm on what you believe is right for you. If you do not want to give up your business, stand firm on that.

 

But still be kind to him. SHOW him what it means to love someone even when you don't agree with him.

 

Guess you already made the decision and he's there, but I would've "forgotten I had to go out shopping" or something like that.

 

I don't want to invoke the silence sandwich here, but I gotta tell you sometimes that's the best thing to do when reasonable means aren't promoting any recognizable engagement and/or understanding.

 

 

I had called and told him I won't come to his place because I wasn't well, and thought he would probably think I was making excuses and that would be it for the day. But he called up later and said he would come down instead. He was being unusually nice unlike the night before, so I let him.

 

And he turned up with roses and chocolates. He also sounded apologetic about last night. Things were mostly okay although not amazing but at least we were talking, although I refused to talk about the business or leaving it when he brought it up.

 

But unfortunately, my bp called up at an inopportune moment for some work, and my fiance said, "Why won't he leave you alone?".

I told him he had lost it and should stop behaving like a kid, and then he started acting distant and reserved again. He did stay anyway although I felt like throwing him out.

[carhill]

Normally I wouldn't suggest this, but I've learned, as part of the work of prioritizing the relationship, when you are having your relationship time and/or discussing relationship issues with your primary partner, that circumstance should be your priority. It should supersede everything but imminent death. When my wife and I have our relationship sessions, phones are off and doors are not answered. Everything else is secondary.

 

Your fiance said the same thing in less than eloquent terms, tinged with disdain for your BP. IMO, it (this instance) is as much about the intrusion upon your life with him as it is about the BP being a man. This is where MC helped me. I used to make sarcastic remarks just like he did and they had the same effect on my wife that his remark about your BP did on you. She would disengage, and rightfully so, because I wasn't respecting her dignity. Now I would say "Hon, we're having an important conversation here. I'd like for you to call this person back when we're done". The result has been a positive one, for both of us. Small steps, but another example of why I think PMC would help both of you. Early on in our work, my female friend called me during one of our relationship sessions (before I started shutting off the phones) and I told her, right in front of my wife, that we were in the middle of a "conversation" and that I'd call her back later. She understood completely. There were some business things we were discussing but they easily waited until my wife and I were finished.

 

Roses and chocolates are nice; I hope definitive actions accompany them. If not, nothing beats chocolate for assuaging the pain and frustration

 

If you felt like throwing him out, and didn't, think about why. This is something else our MC worked on. Examining the "why's" is a huge part of the introspective process.

[dnm]

Your fiance said the same thing in less than eloquent terms, tinged with disdain for your BP. IMO, it (this instance) is as much about the intrusion upon your life with him as it is about the BP being a man. This is where MC helped me. I used to make sarcastic remarks just like he did and they had the same effect on my wife that his remark about your BP did on you. She would disengage, and rightfully so, because I wasn't respecting her dignity. Now I would say "Hon, we're having an important conversation here. I'd like for you to call this person back when we're done".

 

 

If you felt like throwing him out, and didn't, think about why. This is something else our MC worked on. Examining the "why's" is a huge part of the introspective process.

It was a 2 minute conversation, had it been longer I would have told him that I will get back to him later. But anyway, my fiance and I weren't really discussing much, I wasn't feeling well and we were just watching tv and talking about random things. Had we actually been trying to sort things out I would have simply called back later, even if it was going to be for 2 mins.

I know PMC would help us, he is the one who doesn't.

I didn't kick him out because it's not always best to act when you're angry.

And I always do put him first but he never appreciates it. I know I shouldn't expect him to, but I've made so many changes to my life for him already and he behaves like I don't do anything to make the situation better for him.

[dnm]

she must be saying that to emphasize on her innocence.

I'm not. He has never hit on me, and no, I'm not just saying this to emphasise on my innocence.

[Cherry Blossom 35]

I know I shouldn't expect him to, but I've made so many changes to my life for him already and he behaves like I don't do anything to make the situation better for him.

 

hmmm....this is interesting. Care to share? What other changes have you made and how has he behaved in response?

[sugar_and_spice]

 

And he turned up with roses and chocolates. He also sounded apologetic about last night. Things were mostly okay although not amazing but at least we were talking, although I refused to talk about the business or leaving it when he brought it up.

 

 

Roses and chocolates. That's sweet. But did he actually make any real effort to make you feel better?

[carhill]

And I always do put him first but he never appreciates it. I know I shouldn't expect him to, but I've made so many changes to my life for him already and he behaves like I don't do anything to make the situation better for him.

 

This is the gist of what NJ and I were talking about above; ingrained behaviors. What I learned (and you can learn) in MC is how to change our own behaviors in a positive way without feeling resentment that our partner isn't right there with us or even appreciates the change. I can express my disappointment here on LS, as I did with NJ, but, in the moment, interacting with my W, I'm not seeing or processing those negative feelings as a factor. I'm aware of them but they don't rule me. Our dynamics are different, since I'm married, but the principles of the process remain the same.

 

The way you answered my suggestions tells me the depth of your effort and also the simmering resentment you harbor with your fiance. I know those feelings well. Tell me, would you say, and I mean this in a positive way, that, of the two of you, you are the more proactive person in the relationship? Why?

[dnm]

hmmm....this is interesting. Care to share? What other changes have you made and how has he behaved in response?

 

 

Well, there are quite a few things. I don't interact with male friends much and have cut off contact with an ex who was a good friend. I don't interact much with my business partner either unless it's about work.

I started showing my fiance my emails and all to make him less insecure.

I enjoy socialising with friends a lot, but he doesn't unless it is networking for work, so I don't go out that much.

I dress the way he likes, i.e. more feminine than before.

I have also tried to work on my temperament, because we are both short tempered and that is not very good when you are in a long term relationship.

He likes to get physical more often than I do, so we both have compromised a bit there.

And when we are together, we do things that he wants more often.

And generally other small things.

Now he didn't get after me or force me to make those changes, but it won't hurt to be more appreciative, would it?

I wasn't bothered much about him not doing that earlier, so maybe I'm just overreacting now because I'm emotionally drained.

[dnm]

This is the gist of what NJ and I were talking about above; ingrained behaviors. What I learned (and you can learn) in MC is how to change our own behaviors in a positive way without feeling resentment that our partner isn't right there with us or even appreciates the change. I can express my disappointment here on LS, as I did with NJ, but, in the moment, interacting with my W, I'm not seeing or processing those negative feelings as a factor. I'm aware of them but they don't rule me. Our dynamics are different, since I'm married, but the principles of the process remain the same.

 

The way you answered my suggestions tells me the depth of your effort and also the simmering resentment you harbor with your fiance. I know those feelings well. Tell me, would you say, and I mean this in a positive way, that, of the two of you, you are the more proactive person in the relationship? Why?

Are you still taking MC?

The anger that I feel towards all this is fairly recent, I wasn't so bothered before. But yeah, since he told me that he won't marry me till I quit, I've begun to resent him a little.

I don't know, maybe it's made me feel like I love him way more than he loves me. And that he doesn't trust me. Although he says he does, but the "I trust you but not other men" stuff sounds like rubbish to me.

And yes, I am probably the more proactive person in the relationship.

 

 

 

 

Roses and chocolates. That's sweet. But did he actually make any real effort to make you feel better?

Well a little bit yeah. He apologised for the other night as well. And he called up a few minutes ago like nothing happened last night. I do wonder if that's a good thing or bad one?