Author dnm Posted January 2, 2009 Author Share Posted January 2, 2009 OP, is it possible that long working hours are causing problems? Investment bankers have long working hours right, and so do you? It was a problem eariler on, not anymore; we are now used to it. Link to post Share on other sites
christian6 Posted January 2, 2009 Share Posted January 2, 2009 Well, in all honesty, I would get really uncomfortable in your fiance's shoes as well, but I would have ended the relationship earlier instead of proposing and demanding you quit your business. Link to post Share on other sites
james123 Posted January 2, 2009 Share Posted January 2, 2009 Well, in all honesty, I would get really uncomfortable in your fiance's shoes as well, but I would have ended the relationship earlier instead of proposing and demanding you quit your business. exactly. This guy is a fool to have stayed with her in this scenario, he should have walked away earlier. Link to post Share on other sites
SoulSearch_CO Posted January 2, 2009 Share Posted January 2, 2009 Just search online you'll find them. As for the cheating article, it's in the Infidelity section on this site itself. Uh...when you're debating with somebody, you get to provide your own proof. LOL I'm not doing your work. Based on my own limited experience of asking guys around me - I think your stance is BS. Prove me wrong. Link to post Share on other sites
Author dnm Posted January 2, 2009 Author Share Posted January 2, 2009 It's been a while now and I can think more clearly about this. I don't think my fiance is that insecure, I think the territorial bit is about right. I've thought of what would happen if I were to give up business, I just cannot see myself doing it. I don't know, I'm wondering that perhaps I should tell my fiance this. I hope I don't end up regretting this though. Link to post Share on other sites
Cherry Blossom 35 Posted January 2, 2009 Share Posted January 2, 2009 Be honest, and tell him how much you love him but also how you would feel if you gave it up. The fact is, if you give it up he may be happy and satisfied, but you will be sad. You will lose your baby. Add stressed to that mix, since now you have to go look for a job in a rotten economy. Tell him this, and see how he reacts. He will probably tell you no, honey, you won't feel that way, besides if I am happy you should be happy! Not true. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted January 2, 2009 Share Posted January 2, 2009 OP, I'll bet this issue has had plenty of talk already, right? Time to take action....advise him of your actions. You will be seeing a PMC to clarify whether or not and why or why not you should continue your relationship with him and/or marry him. The issue with your business is going to be at the top of the list. Invite him to join you. Set firm boundaries. If he refuses, go by yourself. In time, many things will become clear to you. Marriage and your relationship are both two-way streets. I'm seeing a lot of one-way signs right now. FWIW, a "territorial" male who attempts to limit women's options has every right to be that way. He will appeal to a certain segment of the female population. Women also have the right and priviledge of not associating with such males if they find that perspective to be unhealthy for them. Choices Link to post Share on other sites
Author dnm Posted January 2, 2009 Author Share Posted January 2, 2009 OP, I'll bet this issue has had plenty of talk already, right? Time to take action....advise him of your actions. You will be seeing a PMC to clarify whether or not and why or why not you should continue your relationship with him and/or marry him. The issue with your business is going to be at the top of the list. Invite him to join you. Set firm boundaries. If he refuses, go by yourself. In time, many things will become clear to you. Marriage and your relationship are both two-way streets. I'm seeing a lot of one-way signs right now. FWIW, a "territorial" male who attempts to limit women's options has every right to be that way. He will appeal to a certain segment of the female population. Women also have the right and priviledge of not associating with such males if they find that perspective to be unhealthy for them. Choices I'll see about the PMC. And I never said a territorial male should not be that way, or that my fiance shouldn't be that way, but just that we are perhaps nowhere as compatible as I once thought. I don't know any woman who'd like her options to be 'limited' by a man though. Link to post Share on other sites
Author dnm Posted January 2, 2009 Author Share Posted January 2, 2009 Be honest, and tell him how much you love him but also how you would feel if you gave it up. The fact is, if you give it up he may be happy and satisfied, but you will be sad. You will lose your baby. Add stressed to that mix, since now you have to go look for a job in a rotten economy. Tell him this, and see how he reacts. He will probably tell you no, honey, you won't feel that way, besides if I am happy you should be happy! Not true. Yes, I have a bad feeling about doing this, but have no other option really. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted January 2, 2009 Share Posted January 2, 2009 OP, I was making a general statement validating the male's perspective and in no way meant it to be reflective of your perspective regarding your fiance. My apologies for any inference. MC taught me a lot about boundaries and taking a stand for personal emotional and psychological health. It also taught me about making healthy compromise; how to "bend" in a healthy way. These are my wishes for you; not so much to discover new ways of relating, rather to solidify and qualify thoughts and emotions you already possess. The single biggest emotional change is I'm now comfortable with my W being angry at me when I set my boundaries. In the past, I'd have walked a mile on hot coals barefoot to avoid that, because it overwhelmed me. MC taught me tools to manage that dynamic. Trust me, what you're about to do isn't going to blow sunshine up your fiance's ass. Link to post Share on other sites
Author dnm Posted January 3, 2009 Author Share Posted January 3, 2009 OP, I was making a general statement validating the male's perspective and in no way meant it to be reflective of your perspective regarding your fiance. My apologies for any inference. MC taught me a lot about boundaries and taking a stand for personal emotional and psychological health. It also taught me about making healthy compromise; how to "bend" in a healthy way. These are my wishes for you; not so much to discover new ways of relating, rather to solidify and qualify thoughts and emotions you already possess. The single biggest emotional change is I'm now comfortable with my W being angry at me when I set my boundaries. In the past, I'd have walked a mile on hot coals barefoot to avoid that, because it overwhelmed me. MC taught me tools to manage that dynamic. Trust me, what you're about to do isn't going to blow sunshine up your fiance's ass. I know counselling would be helpful, but I need to see if my fiance also agrees to it(refused earlier); I'm more interested if we can go together. Let'see. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted January 3, 2009 Share Posted January 3, 2009 Together is ideal, but I'll clue you in on something I learned as a result of MC. It's actions, and sticking to the actions you say you'll pursue, which speaks volumes to a spouse (in your case fiance) who has become used to your engagement style. When you put teeth in it, and follow through, they take notice and respect for you grows. Your dynamic is different from ours so my examples would be largely worthless, but I made many changes in how I interacted with my wife, many of them painful, and they have gained me respect. I also feel healthy enough now to go it alone and divorce, if that action is necessary. Before? No way. Doormat. Tell him you want him there (in PMC) but you're going, regardless. Then, do it. He'll get the message Link to post Share on other sites
Author dnm Posted January 3, 2009 Author Share Posted January 3, 2009 Together is ideal, but I'll clue you in on something I learned as a result of MC. It's actions, and sticking to the actions you say you'll pursue, which speaks volumes to a spouse (in your case fiance) who has become used to your engagement style. When you put teeth in it, and follow through, they take notice and respect for you grows. Your dynamic is different from ours so my examples would be largely worthless, but I made many changes in how I interacted with my wife, many of them painful, and they have gained me respect. I also feel healthy enough now to go it alone and divorce, if that action is necessary. Before? No way. Doormat. Tell him you want him there (in PMC) but you're going, regardless. Then, do it. He'll get the message Yes, hopefully. But I need to tell him I'm certainly not giving up my business first. I need to make it clear and I need to see how he responds. For all you know, he might not even want to marry me then. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted January 3, 2009 Share Posted January 3, 2009 That's the cool thing about healthy choices. Everyone has them He can choose to approach this any way he wants to. Link to post Share on other sites
Author dnm Posted January 3, 2009 Author Share Posted January 3, 2009 That's the cool thing about healthy choices. Everyone has them He can choose to approach this any way he wants to. Yes...I'll have a chat with him in the morning...I'm kind of feeling worried actually. Link to post Share on other sites
sugar_and_spice Posted January 3, 2009 Share Posted January 3, 2009 He's selfish and not good for you if he refuses to marry you over this, obviously. Link to post Share on other sites
james123 Posted January 3, 2009 Share Posted January 3, 2009 Uh...when you're debating with somebody, you get to provide your own proof. LOL I'm not doing your work. Based on my own limited experience of asking guys around me - I think your stance is BS. Prove me wrong. It doesn't matter if you don't want to believe me. I'm not going to go around searching for stuff. Generally I find stuff like this often on quite a few websites, so I know it's true. Like I said, if you think it is BS, it is not my problem. Link to post Share on other sites
sally4sara Posted January 3, 2009 Share Posted January 3, 2009 You will find that most men would have problems if their SO's were so close to someone of the opposite sex. Most guys wouldn't live with this. I just got to ask James.... If you had started a business 6 years ago with a female business partner/friend you'd never had a "hot moment" with, and your girlfriend asked you to give up that business and marry her, would you do it? Would you be able to think back about all the work that had gone into it and then just drop it because your girlfriend wanted you to marry her? P.S., She makes a tad less than you and is in an occupation that is getting shook up some by the economy problems we are having. However, she is sure it will be okay and it will make her happy forever - promise. Would you do it? Link to post Share on other sites
sally4sara Posted January 3, 2009 Share Posted January 3, 2009 I think the fact that he has asked something so huge of her but isn't immediately willing to let someone sit on on any discussions about it is the biggest red flag in the deal. If he is so justified in asking this of her and his request is "normal", why avoid PMC? If it were "normal" then the counselor would surely back him up, right? Wrong. And he knows it. Either that or he feels whatever work went into her business was just to keep the OP busy till the OP's prince came along!! Link to post Share on other sites
james123 Posted January 3, 2009 Share Posted January 3, 2009 I just got to ask James.... If you had started a business 6 years ago with a female business partner/friend you'd never had a "hot moment" with, and your girlfriend asked you to give up that business and marry her, would you do it? Would you be able to think back about all the work that had gone into it and then just drop it because your girlfriend wanted you to marry her? P.S., She makes a tad less than you and is in an occupation that is getting shook up some by the economy problems we are having. However, she is sure it will be okay and it will make her happy forever - promise. Would you do it? I wouldn't start a business with a woman in the first place, not because I have anything against them but because I am not naive enough to believe that a platonic friendship will remain that way when I'm that close to someone all the time. Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted January 3, 2009 Share Posted January 3, 2009 I wouldn't start a business with a woman in the first place, not because I have anything against them but because I am not naive enough to believe that a platonic friendship will remain that way when I'm that close to someone all the time. THAT's why you wouldn't start a business with a woman? That's what you'd be thinking about when considering starting a business - sex and romance? Link to post Share on other sites
james123 Posted January 3, 2009 Share Posted January 3, 2009 THAT's why you wouldn't start a business with a woman? That's what you'd be thinking about when considering starting a business - sex and romance? The likelihood of something happening is too big to ignore and it is not wise to mix business with personal life, so I would consider that and would rather start a business with a male partner. Link to post Share on other sites
CommitmentPhobe Posted January 3, 2009 Share Posted January 3, 2009 The likelihood of something happening is too big to ignore and it is not wise to mix business with personal life, so I would consider that and would rather start a business with a male partner. So I guess you insist on a male only work environment? I guess if you have a female client to work with you turn them down? Will you send your children to a same sex school? Female on the PTA prevents you from joining? Is it just that you have no ability to keep your thingy in your pants when it comes to women so don't trust anyone else or is it something else that makes you so paranoid about male and female relationships - like the sort that happen every day in every walk of life, assuming you're not a hermit or something? Link to post Share on other sites
james123 Posted January 3, 2009 Share Posted January 3, 2009 So I guess you insist on a male only work environment? I guess if you have a female client to work with you turn them down? Will you send your children to a same sex school? Female on the PTA prevents you from joining? Is it just that you have no ability to keep your thingy in your pants when it comes to women so don't trust anyone else or is it something else that makes you so paranoid about male and female relationships - like the sort that happen every day in every walk of life, assuming you're not a hermit or something? I'm not paranoid about anything and the answer to all those questions is no. I just think that very close platonic relationships are a big no-no. Link to post Share on other sites
CommitmentPhobe Posted January 3, 2009 Share Posted January 3, 2009 I'm not paranoid about anything and the answer to all those questions is no. I just think that very close platonic relationships are a big no-no. It's a business relationship. The word platonic doesn't even come into it, so why you are calling it that I don't know. Link to post Share on other sites
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